Asked my wife the question

[Megan L]

as I've posted before my wife used to enjoy me dressing and even dressing me before and after sex she would have me put on a nightie for the rest of the night. One day she told me she didn't want anymore to do with it,she didn't care if i still did(she would prefer I stopped all together we know that wont happen) so 4yrs later shes been reading books like the Anne Rice trilogy sleeping beauty and 50 shades of grey, So i started thinking and its taken me a couple weeks to get up the nerve(every time i ask her about my dressing before shed get all pissed off and walk away) last night I caught her in our room she had gone through and cleaned hung some of my dresses and such I asked her " you know your into those books they turn you "on" and get you all kinky why don't you support me in my dressing and be involved anymore? she got a look on her face that was totally blank and couldn't answer. So i went to bed now i'm just waiting for the either chew out or the um um um i don't know or she'll purposely forget till i get the nerve to bring it up again. i really wish she would support again i would love to go shopping with someone again and dress with i had a great time back then its been all together around 4-5 yrs. Am i dreaming or wishing ???

[JohnnieCD]

something happened to change her mind, getting to what that was is will require further discussion...

[RADER]

Just take it real slow.... Maybe she should read; "My husband Betty"
It worked great for me.
Rader

[Jessica Who]

I second "My husband Betty" it was a great read for both me and my wife. Whenever you talk about your dressing make sure to be patient and sure of yourself :)

[SarahMarie42]

Unfortunately, a couple of the books you've mentioned involve romanticized and eroticized male characters who are thus romanticized and eroticized through their ultra-dominant jerk behavior. Maybe she wants ultra-dominant jerk behavior, who knows? But, in my experience, you can still fulfill the role of a "decisive male" whether you dress or don't -- because dominance need not be exclusive to males. I've never had a problem with any of my girlfriends, but I've never lived with any of them or stayed with them for more than a couple of years either, so I wouldn't know what to do. Who knows what her problem is? The only way to figure it out is to initiate communication, and it seems like you're doing that.

[Jenniferathome]

Books are fantasy. Your wife does not live with those characters. Rather than ask, "why don't you support me in my dressing and be involved anymore?" The better question is, "Honey, what changed from then to now?" Maybe she was NOT into it then but was just humoring you. Wives do that for husbands. Maybe you took it further than she liked, whatever the answer, THAT is what you need to get to. Your question just comes off as "I want it this way!" That'll never fly.

[Megan L]

Books are fantasy. Your wife does not live with those characters. Rather than ask, "why don't you support me in my dressing and be involved anymore?" The better question is, "Honey, what changed from then to now?" Maybe she was NOT into it then but was just humoring you. Wives do that for husbands. Maybe you took it further than she liked, whatever the answer, THAT is what you need to get to. Your question just comes off as "I want it this way!" That'll never fly.

I asked her that "what changed your mind " question about a year ago she mumbled something and walked out of the room so that one didn't work but i'll give it another go and see, first I want to see if she'll answer the one i asked her last night

[Jenniferathome]

I asked her that "what changed your mind " question about a year ago she mumbled something and walked out of the room ....

Megan, that's a long time to wait for an answer. It would seem she's not keen to talk about it but that is just what has to happen. You really need to try and talk during some stress free moments. She needs to understand that 1) cross dressing is just a part of you, not the definition of you and 2) you are ok with her NOT being involved but you'd like to know what the boundaries are so that you don't upset her. This way she has to address the issue openly and it is fair to her.

[CassandraSmith]

You know, if we turn it around, it could provide some insights...

So your wife has been dressing in dungarees and work boots for sex. She even put on a fake beard one time. At first, I thought it was deliciously kinky then it all just seemed strange and I wanted regular sex again. I told my wife that I'm OK with her wearing construction boots, strapping her boobs down and tucking a pack of cigarettes under her t-shirt sleeve and spitting chew but I'm just not wanting to participate in it right now.

I know that for me, if I married a female who decided to go F2M it would be a challenge. I'm not saying that she's wrong or anything. I'm just saying it would be a challenge. Ideally, if I could have her when I wanted her as a GG, what she did with her spare time would be her business. I can speak also as one of my GF's was somewhat on this continuum and would take women lovers occasionally. That was agreed upon and it did not include my wandering around or sharing in her partners either. BTW, the reason we're not together had nothing to do with this and we're still pretty good friends.

[Leah Lynn]

My late wife and I would sit down and "clear the air" every year or so. We would do this over coffee, never alcohol, and just unload on each other. We would talk, yell, clam up, cry, laugh, get totally pissed off, make up, get mad again, and finally go to bed, with everything, that's EVERYTHING, cleared up. Sometimes you've really got to get it off your chest, and let her get it off hers. No holds barred; no time outs. I'm sure it won't work for everyone, but it did for us.

Leah

[DanaR]

If you were to try to engage her in a conversation about her feelings and touch on your feelings too, that might be a start. If you focus on just you, then she'll probably not want to say much.

[Megan L]

well I brought it up last night, she told me the books aka the Anne Rice sleeping beauty books were nothing like cross dressing and she couldn't answer the question. Then i took the advice of one of you I cant remember who that said to ask her what had changed? what if anything did i do to change it? she couldn't answer but on a good note she didn't get pissed off and walk out like she use to do. I'm starting to think maybe I should get back on adult friend finder and get another couple to swing with.. she really got into the time with the female we were with (now best of friends) long story on how that stopped and back then she was into me dressing related? who knows she wont tell me. And no she wont leave me for a woman she just likes it once in a while. I guess one day she'll open up and tell me till then its just keep doing what I'm doing in the closet im used to it 30+ yrs now

[Megan L]

If you were to try to engage her in a conversation about her feelings and touch on your feelings too, that might be a start. If you focus on just you, then she'll probably not want to say much.

it was about both of us im trying to include her in everything i say or do in this subject

[Gloria Vanessa]

that's a long time to wait for an answer Megan

[Stephanie47]

Many times it's difficult to figure out what's going on in a marriage. Sometimes the issue one spouse thinks is the problem, it isn't. In your introduction you indicated you've been married twenty-one years, and, until four years ago there was a high level of acceptance. If she participated for fifteen years (?) and she changed her mind, there could be another issue bothering her. I think fifteen years is a long time to participate, and, then end up flip flopping on cross dressing.

Most of the posts on this forum where cross dressing issues have blown up in a relationship seem to be short term 'attempting' to accept the cross dressing, and, it does not work out. Even the long term DADT seem to blow up with some regularity. Each situation is probably unique.

To flip flop after fifteen years suggests to me there is something else happening.

And, reading books like Shades of Grey does not confer acceptance of cross dressing.

Talk to her about other issues that may be the cause for her withdrawing from your cross dressing.

[Lorileah]

I don't know. If it happened like you said it did, I would expect that you are going to get a real cold shoulder for awhile. You confronted her instead of engaged her. That look wasn't a "I don't know what you mean" look it was a deer in the headlights look. I hope she does start talking to you. But as someone mentioned the books she is reading are BDSM light and she is looking for Prince Charming , not the wicked witch

[NicoleScott]

Megan, sometimes it helps to re-read a post. This was pretty clear to me:


One day she told me she didn't want anymore to do with it, she didn't care if i still did (she would prefer I stopped all together we know that wont happen)

But you kept bringing it up to her. No wonder she got pissed off. You didn't get the message. And then you ASSUMED that her interest in the books she read should translate to support for your interests.

Dreaming or wishing. What's the difference? Doesn't matter. Accept the REALITY that you're a crossdresser and she doesn't want to participate.

[Beverley Sims]

I think you have been pushing a little too hard, try backing off and see why her attitude has changed.

[Marie-Elise]

Accept the REALITY that you're a crossdresser and she doesn't want to participate.

That's exactly what I was going to post here. I know because I am in the same situation. I think I've accepted it but it was hard getting to that point. Good luck.

[Jari]

If that is the case, is it time to seperate? Its difficult, no? To me the cross dressing is pretty fundamental, is it no the case that if your sf cannot accept you as a cross dresser its time to say goodbye?

[Jenniferathome]

If that is the case, is it time to seperate? Its difficult, no? To me the cross dressing is pretty fundamental, is it no the case that if your sf cannot accept you as a cross dresser its time to say goodbye?

Jari, it is clear that Megan's wife DOES accept his cross dressing. She hangs up his dresses. Its in the open. What she doesnt do is "participate." Frankly, Megan is in a pretty good place. It's not DADT, no hiding. On the whole, pretty fortunate. Even if she didn't accept his cross dressing, I'd sure hope that a relationship wouldn't be tossed just for that. Cross dressing is a piece of who we are, not the definition of who we are.

[Jari]

Jennifer, I hear what you are saying. Relationships and especially marriages are complex. My own thinking is if ones wife is not interested to participate, she is maybe not the right person to be married to. Life is maybe too short, and its abig world full of beautiful people. I think what Im saying is that if you never told your other half from early on in the relationship then you cannot be surprised if she doesnt want to be part of it. If you did, she knew what she was getting into. I dont know what my point is exactly, maybe just dont settle for unhappiness.

[Megan L]

Well with all the good advice (besides splitting up, trust me I've thought about it at times I just love her to much) I will back off and go back to the way it was maybe one day she'll come back maybe not I am who I am and i'll deal, and yes I reread all the posts, I might slip a book like her wares my clothes or something like that into her to read pile lol. Also I know the 50 shades and sleeping Beauty are not about cross dressing but there in a kinky nature and if you think about it cross dressing before sex is kinda kinky well to me anyways the rest of the time i just enjoy wareing but nuf said thank you all for your great advice. Oh one of you posted a book for someone else's post about cross dressing and why we do it (i'll looked at the books in this thread that were mentioned and it wasn't quite what I was looking for

[NicoleScott]

Megan, first you say you'll back off. Then you say you may try to slip a book into her read pile (in an effort to change her mind about your dressing). That may be backing off to you, but it sounds like she wants no participation, not just a little less. As others have suggested: don't push it.

[Megan L]

I was kinda joking about the books I was trying to get a smile out of myself in a vindictive way :-) but I am going to back off

[JeanneF]

My late wife and I would sit down and "clear the air" every year or so. We would do this over coffee, never alcohol, and just unload on each other. We would talk, yell, clam up, cry, laugh, get totally pissed off, make up, get mad again, and finally go to bed, with everything, that's EVERYTHING, cleared up. Sometimes you've really got to get it off your chest, and let her get it off hers. No holds barred; no time outs. I'm sure it won't work for everyone, but it did for us.

My wife and I do the same thing. It's amazing how well it works for getting us past whatever the other partner is doing to piss us off.

We also have a policy..."don't go to bed angry...stay up and fight".

[Julie Gaum]

Although what Jennifer posted is very good advise there is a factor that Megan L brushed over that just might be what has his wife react
like "a deer in headlights" when asked what has changed. Megan made it very clear that his spouse is BI. While her orientation conflicts with her stating that she prefers he doesn't CD there are loads of experience by GGs who early on reacted to their husbands with their usually
not-spoken concern that "I don't want to be or feel like a lesbian" and the marriage is quickly abhorted. I'm confused but still believe that Megan's wife is wrestling with issues in that realm. Until she volunteers to discuss her turmoil more years will pass in uncertainty.
Julie

[bomba]

my advice and most of you will disagree....she had fun with the fantasy for a while.but now she will never look at you as a man again. and she craves a man.most women do.she must love you much or she would have left you when she found out you like to crossdress, to be a woman. it happen to me. you can save your marrage. tell her to cuckold you. let her be with a macho man to satisfiy her female cravings. at home be submissive to her.do the lundry the dishes the dusting and cleaning.make her your queen.then she will love your crossdressing feminine side.its no big deal if she bones other guys as long is its you she loves.give her some freedom and things will really improve between you. i finally submited to my wife and life is so much better than i thought it could ever be.we were on the brinkl of devorse.so what if shes with other guys as long as she comes home to you.try it you might like it.im very happy now

[Jenniferathome]

my advice and most of you will disagree........

Yes, put me in the "most of you will disagree" category. You are using your, very unique, relationship as a guide for others. While it may have worked for you, it is not a direction that is likely to work for anyone else.

[Megan L]

my advice and most of you will disagree....she had fun with the fantasy for a while.but now she will never look at you as a man again. and she craves a man.most women do.she must love you much or she would have left you when she found out you like to crossdress, to be a woman. it happen to me. you can save your marrage. tell her to cuckold you. let her be with a macho man to satisfiy her female cravings. at home be submissive to her.do the lundry the dishes the dusting and cleaning.make her your queen.then she will love your crossdressing feminine side.its no big deal if she bones other guys as long is its you she loves.give her some freedom and things will really improve between you. i finally submited to my wife and life is so much better than i thought it could ever be.we were on the brinkl of devorse.so what if shes with other guys as long as she comes home to you.try it you might like it.im very happy now

you know since I'm disabled i'm home 24-7(drives me crazy sometimes) I do all the house work dishes,dinner,cleaning and so on I would like to do it dressed in one of my outfits but like i've posted earlyer I always have someone showing up at my house hince why i dress in my room with the door locked. yes the house is clean laundry is done and a hot dinner is waiting for her when she gets home from work. I do everything i can to make her feel like a queen

[Gwen01]

I'm going to say this only because I've said it A LOT in the past...save the marriage and communicate with each other at all costs.
I'm on my second marriage and am going through similar issues with my wife. Trust me, divorce is never pretty, let alone cheap.
We have an agreement that as long as my dressing does not interfere with my work, our kids, etc., then it is fine.
Like I said, I'm lucky in that regard. I still believe that marriage and children is way more important than what we do. Just think,
one day it may all work out...keep talking!
-Gwen

[suchacutie]

Hmmm, I hope you all don't get upset at me, but here's my take:

Megan, you are acting like a guy!

Ok...here is what I mean....you confront your wife trying to "solve" the problem. That's ok with your guy friends but it really won't work with a spouse who is already emotionally taught about this issue.

My advice is to let Megan be Megan (no matter how you are dressed). That means...just talk. Do NOT try to solve anything. Just talk. and talk. and talk. When she is comfortable she will tell you all and more. Do not be judgemental, do not press for a conclusion...just talk, and keep talking forever.

Seriously...

[Megan L]

Hmmm, I hope you all don't get upset at me, but here's my take:

Megan, you are acting like a guy!

Ok...here is what I mean....you confront your wife trying to "solve" the problem. That's ok with your guy friends but it really won't work with a spouse who is already emotionally taught about this issue.

My advice is to let Megan be Megan (no matter how you are dressed). That means...just talk. Do NOT try to solve anything. Just talk. and talk. and talk. When she is comfortable she will tell you all and more. Do not be judgemental, do not press for a conclusion...just talk, and keep talking forever.

Seriously...

I really wish it was that easy its not ive got other things going on to act like Megan all the time I really wish I could maybe if my kids didnt live with us and other things but thank you for that when were alone I can at least try that, I wish I had the time to explain all goings on around this house.

[giuseppina]

... tell her to cuckold you. ...

I don't agree with this, and I would not tolerate it if she did it on her own. Trust is a big issue for me.

This is too much like Fictionmania to be taken seriously.