Looking for how to tell my girlfiend im a crossdresser

[nikkimngirl]

Hi girls im in need of help on how to tell my girlfriend about my crossdressing

Thank you

Nicole

[quietprofessional]

Try being playful and putting on a pair of her panties as a gag, if she reacts positive you in!

[DanaR]

If you search a little on the site, there are some good suggestions on how to tell others. Try searching on the word "telling" there are quite a few threads there.

[Jenniferathome]

Hi Nikki, in my signature is how I told my wife. Prepare yourself. It is a hard conversation to start but the stress relief you will feel is incredible. Before you open this up, however, really objectively evaluate your relationship. Are you two on a solid foundation. If yes, you can get past this. Best of luck,

[Kate Simmons]

It's difficult to advise someone without knowing the situation my friend. One "size" does not fit all in this situation.:)

[Jenniferathome]

Try being playful and putting on a pair of her panties as a gag, if she reacts positive you in!

Nikki, do NOT do this. Cross dressing is not a joke or game. When you talk to her it must be you, the man, and her. There will be plenty of time to show her anything she may want to see. Shock and awe does not work here.

[Sandra]

Try being playful and putting on a pair of her panties as a gag, if she reacts positive you in!

That is such a stupid reply and not helpful at all. :angry:

Nicole,

There is no easy way, just please don't go along with some of the silly suggestions that may be posted. Try sitting down with your GF and tell her the truth, ask her to hear you out and then tell her you will answer as honestly as you can any questions that she has. What ever you don't lie to her, don't tell her something that you think she might want to hear, as it will come back and bite you.

Also have a look at this
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

[RADER]

There is no way that fits everybody. I started the conservation with
my wife on the second date. We happened to see a news real about the
dresses the stars where wearing on an award show. I made the comment
that I liked a dress and wish I had one. Two weeks later, she asked me if
I had any dresses. No I only have skirts and tops.
It worked and we have been married for over 10 years.
Rader

[~Joanne~]

I agree 100% with Jennifer, Kate and especially Sandra. DO NOT make lite of this. Playing panty games in the bedroom is the worse advice I have seen on the forum to date. First thing you should know, while really evaluating your relationship, is she an open person to different life styles other than the garbage that society has shoved down our throats our whole lives? If she is, I suggest you both sit down, clean and sober, and have a real heart to heart.

Explain that you have been living within conflict with yourself, that you are straight, that you love her very much but don't want to have secrets and then tell her. Explain how far you plan to go with this. If it's only around the privacy of your home, if you'd like to go out here and there.....leave nothing out. If you do and change your mind later down the line, you have changed the situation from what it originally was and that will cause conflict. Communication will always be key.

If she's not an open person, you have to ask yourself is this really the woman you plan on spending your life with? Do you want to arm her with a weapon to be used against you at a later date? Do you want her telling everyone under the sun?

I would give it long and hard thought before I decided to tell anyone especially if you don't want everyone to find out.

[Gloria Vanessa]

that is nice i loved

[nikkimngirl]

thank you ladies and friends i need all the info and help i can get

[Beverley Sims]

As others you do need to read the various threads and follow the good advice given to you by members that have gone through the long talk.
It is not as easy as joking about it but to gauge reactions a little playing around does help.
Take this one slowly take in the advice and probably ask a similar question again before committing yourself.

[nikkimngirl]

thank you beverley

thank you Miss Joanne

that is what i thought too thank you Sandra

I will not I did not think that was going to work out thank you for your info Nicole

i have found that to be very true hun

I will try that Dana


ps your very pretty

[~Joanne~]

thank you Miss Joanne

Your welcome :) good luck and let us know how it goes with either way you decide.

[mikiSJ]

Coming out to your wife is not a casual undertaking. Be prepared: for the worst, for a lot of questions, for anger, for tolerance, for hurt, for acceptance, for any number of things you had no idea about. But be prepared! There is a lot of good advice here to take advantage of to your benefit. Read all of it, distill what applies to you and suck your gut in as tight as it will go and have the talk.

I came out to my first wife, and while it was not the sole reason for our divorce, it certainly hastened it. I came out to my now wife of 37 years before we married. She is tolerant and lately accepting.

Be prepared!

[miranda404]

My wife found the shooes and something else she thought I was screwing another woman you should of been there it was absolute ball I just come back from work and it was about 4am in the morning I was ******** tired just wanted to go to bed and she was asking me these arkward questions our marriage was never fairy tale how I wished for a fairy tale marriage to be wisked to some strange never never land live in paradise. Yes well back to the argument and she was looking at me in a derranged sort of way whose are these referring to the shoes well er well er er er mine!
Yours yours... was her reply then the argument just melted away like snow on a warm day. Next day was the same just bit hazy with the female mist.

[andrea lace]

I only told my wife recently and she accepted that part of me. I had been hiding it for so long. I don't think secrets do anyone any good especially if your hiding them from someone you love. It is society that has conditioned many people to believe that cross dressing is somehow wrong and those of us that do it are somehow perverted. But that is not the case. you will find lots of good advice from people on this site but for me telling my wife was one of the hardest things that I have done but it was a huge relief for me that I had told her

[Genifer Teal]

Funny, but not a good idea if you want here to take this as seriously as you do.
Try being playful and putting on a pair of her panties as a gag, if she reacts positive you in!

Be open and honest and give her a brief explanation. Tell it from a positive perspective. Don't be ashamed of it or make excuses. Tell her you are still figuring this out as you go along. Don't mis lead her by saying I'll never want this or that. Things can change. Above all, tell her you love her (hope I'm not assuming too much) and that you hope she understands. Tell her you will answer all of her questions. Then step back and give her lots of time and space to process. Don't flood her with too much information. She will likely do some research on her own. When you see her or talk again you can push her to some helpful and informative sites. This is a great place for many reasons but would not be my first choice where to send her. Later when she needs to talk to other women, the ladies forum may then be a good idea. Best of luck. FWIW, I try not to meet women in drab. Just makes it easier to explain when they know before saying hello.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Nikki--I had tested the waters over the years, occasionally engaging in some bedroom play with stockings or pantyhose--usually after nights out with some alcohol involved--with her involvement and approval. But that was very rare, maybe every other year, so she had no idea of my true desires. So I was unfulfilled, and she had no idea who I really was. Just last month I finally decided I had to tell her; you can read that on my first post in the forum. It turned out better than I expected.

[PretzelGirl]

I love Genifer's advice along with other's. But I want to highlight this:


Don't be ashamed of it or make excuses.

When you talk to someone, they tend to follow your lead. Put something in a positive light, and you probably lean them in your direction. Say something in a negative way and you probably have a greater chance of them being negative about it. So don't say what you aren't. I disagree with those that say to come out right away and say your aren't gay and aren't transitioning. Let her ask the questions.

If you start making excuses you may ramble and her mind may start running wild. "Honey, I wanted to let you know that I love dressing as a women as I enjoy the clothes and find it very relaxing" is much better than "Honey, I wanted to let you know I have been hiding something because I have been embarassed. I wear women's clothes and I know it isn't manly but I can't control myself. I am definitely not gay and you don't have to worry about me having sex change surgery".

To me it becomes obvious the approach that should be used. I would consider working up an opening line so you don't open with something that scares the beejesus out of her. Any more past that line probably won't help as you may stammer to remember or something, but a good, positive opening is a great setup and then love and caring take you the rest of the way.

[27th Jennifer]

Well, Nikki, you came to the right place. There is no shortage of advice to be found on this forum regarding that subject. Good luck!

Ana

[Missy]

let her come across some old pics of you dressed and that you did it on a dare see what her reactions are that will tell you if you come clean or not

[NeKoi]

I'm also at a stage where I'm telling my SO, although personally I think I'm only half done. I did tell to her directly that I'm interested in CD, and she immediately responded saying what if i become a girl. It was quite a interesting conversation that later led to her saying she'll become the man and things like if I wanted to, I'd have to wear bras and it all (she have no idea i was smiling inside). But I think one key point was the assurance that was required, to tell her that you'll still be you.

I think the situation differs person to person, and thus, take all the advice you've gotten and figure out which one is more suitable for you. There is NO one size fit all when it comes to relationships with people.

Be prepared to compromise. Be prepared to give her tons of assurance.

Remember, CD is supposed to be fun.

[phelicia]

Hi Nicole, I posted a thread similar to yours on 1-14-13 titled, when to tell a new girlfriend your a CDer. I got many good responses to this thread. Check it out, there are a lot of great suggestions on that thread. I still haven't told my gf and don't think I ever will, I just don't think she'll accept me, good luck in whatever you decide to do

[docrobbysherry]

Nikki, u haven't mentioned WHY u want/need to tell her? Do u wish to dress in front of her? Maybe go out with her dressed? R u feeling guilty? R u planning to "come out" to everyone?

If you're a closet dresser, don't plan to go out dressed, don't plan on coming out, why do u need to tell her NOW? This is actually may be important info if u want really helpful advice!

Unless there's some over riding reason for u to tell her now, my advice is, "NOT YET"!

[Jacqueline Winona]

Nikki, u haven't mentioned WHY u want/need to tell her? Do u wish to dress in front of her? Maybe go out with her dressed? R u feeling guilty? R u planning to "come out" to everyone?

If you're a closet dresser, don't plan to go out dressed, don't plan on coming out, why do u need to tell her NOW? This is actually may be important info if u want really helpful advice!


Unless there's some over riding reason for u to tell her now, my advice is, "NOT YET"!
I agree with this- you, and only you know, when and how to tell her. There isn't a one size fits all way to talk about this, and if you're not comfortable talking about this, it can be extremely hard on both of you if you just open up one day. And it can be done by showing, it takes patience, but my wife figured me out before we were married just based on how I reacted when I dressed up in front of her. You can't treat it like its a big joke, but you don't have to go into this like you're about to deliver the Emancipation Proclamation if that just isn't you. Take your time, be fair to yourself as well, and do it in your way, especially if this isn't something you do every day or think about all the time. Trust your instincts on this, and know that no matter how hard you try, you can't make your SO like this. But you can make this work, just don't push too hard, too soon.

[Jenniferathome]

...but my wife figured me out before we were married just based on how I reacted when I dressed up in front of her. ....

Your wife figured you were a cross dresser when she saw you cross dressed in front of her? Um, yup, that'd be one way to make the deduction.

Telling your SO, to me, always comes down to this: the pressure of NOT telling (continued hiding) is greater than the pressure of telling. Hiding anything from the person you love is stress. fear, embarrassment, shame, all help to keep us hiding until it simply reaches a level of "too much." Honesty is never a bad thing, even if you plan or want to stay closeted.

[Jenni Yumiko]

I agree with the others, if the relationship is serious, your both in Love and you both see each other with each other in 20 years, then you should tell her now, before you are truly committed to one another. If I could do it all over, I would have and I am pretty sure it wouldn't be as big an issue as it it is now. (And I haven't told her everything yet, working on that) to be a serious relationship and lie by omission is just as bad as lying. Yes, i'm damming myself as well. People are also a lot more understanding in the early part of a relationship, rather than after wedding cake and the honeymoon, when routines and "real life" take over.

[Jorja]

First, if it is just a girlfriend and you have no intention of marrying the girl, is it necessary to tell her at all? If she is more than that to you, have you thought of just telling her? There is no magical sentence. No magical phrase. Just be truthful and sincere.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Nikki, If she happens to see in your closet she may figure it out herself.

[Jennifer Marie P.]

Dont be ashamed of yourself.Tell her straight up.If she stays or goes least you know you tried.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Your wife figured you were a cross dresser when she saw you cross dressed in front of her? Um, yup, that'd be one way to make the deduction.

Telling your SO, to me, always comes down to this: the pressure of NOT telling (continued hiding) is greater than the pressure of telling. Hiding anything from the person you love is stress. fear, embarrassment, shame, all help to keep us hiding until it simply reaches a level of "too much." Honesty is never a bad thing, even if you plan or want to stay closeted.

If you must know, at my suggestion, we were going dressed for Halloween( her as a man). We agreed to practice beforehand to see what worked, what fit, etc. and of course, like any of us, I didn't fight that idea too hard. When she was applying makeup, she said "you like dressing up." It wasn't, as you might think, a case of her walking in on me, seeing me dressed on my own. I hadn't ever had makeup on before, and she, like I ssupect most of our SO's, are perceptive enough to figure some things out.
So, like I said, there are more ways to let her know than having the proverbial come to Jesus discussion. At that point in my life, there is no way I could have had such a conversation, and I suspect most of us who are under 25 have similar problems. Had I tried to tell her before (we had been dating for over a year), this would have ended disastrously because I couldn't have done that, and reading off a pre-written statement just doesn't work for me as it comes across to stiffly when I try to convey my feelings.

Your experience has been 180 degrees different, and it obviously has worked. But the fact that both have worked (17 years married for me, 20 years after the Halloween described above) proves that there isn't one way to tell her. There have been many, many hiccups along the way, even though she saw a TV program about crossdressing and learned just about everything that is in the books we all reference as proof that we are not gay, that we can't just stop doing this, that this is self-expression of an important, misunderstood need for all of us to express a feminine side inconsistent with our birth-gender. (Please remember this was before the internet even existed for civilians). Despite her knowing all this, it still bothers her, and it causes a lot of problems for her, no matter how much I try to prove it should not, but we have a strong marriage in every other respect (prevailing wisdom on this issue notwithstanding). She, and I know she is not alone on this, sincerely wishes this were not part of me, and prefers not to know about this but learning at her pace what CD is all about, in small bites as opposed to all it once, has made it a lot easier for her.

[giuseppina]

This is a thread by a respected genuine lady that no longer posts:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner&highlight=

[Amanda M]

Two things - read what Miss Joanne and Sandra have said. Work on that basis. No games, no nonsense. Most important, if you are to have a loving relationship with this woman which is going to work, she needs to know before she gets in too deep and gets hurt.

Best to you both, Amanda.

[nikkimngirl]

Thank you all sisters the dilema is over I appreciate all your advice, but as it happened before i decided to tell her i had washed some of my clothes and unfortunately left a thong in the washer and when she did the normal wash well there it was. At first she thought it belonged to another woman but i told her no and had to come clean on my other side. I WOULD NOT SUGGEST THIS TECHNIQUE TO ANYONE. Please any one who reads this use the excelent advice of the other girls who posted. So far things are going well she has accepted me and my dressing which is good because did not want to lose her. We do need to talk more about it. So i will keep updating this thread for others like me and whoever is interested.

[Tammy Nowakowski]

well thats how my wife found out, i was doing the wash one day, and i never did the wash
but tammy does the wash

[Nikki50/50]

This isn't like sticking a toe into a swimming pool, and easing the rest into the water. Just dive.
Say look, I have a feminine side, and I'm human enough to not only acknowledge it, but embrace it as part of me. It manifests in my tastes in genderized clothing, which I don't want to keep as a secret, especially from you.
...
Keep it short, direct, just let her have it. Don't try to justify, or validate anything. She will have questions, of that you can be sure. Just answer them as they come, and let the rest unfold as it will.

PS> good name, by the way.
;)