I need help. I don't know what to do.

[Diamond Dog]

First of all. Thank you for reading my story. I will try to keep it short.

Happy on the outside... Miserable on the inside. Currently I am in a great deal of pain because I am having a very hard time dealing with my gender. There are a lot of masculine traits I don't feel are compatible with who I am. And the older I get the more obscure and alien masculinity seems to me.

I remember when I was 12 years old I prayed to God to wake up as a woman. After that I have been daydreaming about beeing a woman almost daily. It happens the most frequently when I am depressed and least when I am happy. I think I had it worst when I was living with a girlfriend in an unhealthy relationship and stressed out at work at the same time. I don't feel gender dysphoric when I feel in love, desired, valued, empathic or having an awesome time.

After my unhealthy relationship I decided to investigate the gender dysphoria closer. I started dating a girl who enjoyed dressing me up and we went to costume parties together. After having been to costume parties in drag I felt euphoric for a few days, followed by feeling depressed and empty. So I decided to see a gender therapist. It helped in the begining, but the effect stopped. Lately I have become more androgynous, yet it has not provided me with happiness.

So where does all of this lead me? I feel like I have a lot of feminine energy that is left unexpresed, when I hear people talking about how men are supposed to be I feel like I don't want to be a guy. I know I can be obsessive about the things I don't like in life. Maybe I am a lesbian woman in a man's body or maybe I am just a person who is currently pessimistic. If I was a beautiful woman I would find something else to complain about. I don't know.

I can get feminization facial surgery and start taking hormones.

I can keep on developing androgony and focus on the things I am grateful for in my life. Like my friends, hobbies, music, parties, coffee... Get myself back in a good and upbeat mood. Find queer clubs and a girlfriend who likes my feminine traits.

I can embrace masculinity and try and fake it till I make it.

What do you think I should do?

196548
This is me as male

196549
And androgynous

196564
And crossdressing

Thank you.

[GroovyChristy]

You certainly shouldn't fake being masculine if that's not who you are. You do not owe it to society to be something you're not. Now, I am no psychologist or any kind of professional, but to me you seem to be expressing the feelings of a transgender person. I only say that because they are feelings that I have also had, and I believe myself to be transgender. You say that androgyny isn't making you happy. If you are able to do so, I think it might be worthwhile to consider pursuing the transformation. My heart goes out to you and I wish you luck in whatever path you choose. And for what it's worth, you look fantastic in all three pictures.

[Fran Moore]

Hi Diamond, and thanks for sharing your feelings with us. I've never recommended this to anyone, but based on your story I would think that you might benefit a great deal by sitting down with a qualified gender therapist and discuss your feelings openly with someone who is professionally educated to help you out.

Based on your photo's, you seem most happy when you are dressed.

I would definitey not make any permanent changes like ffs, etc. until you are positive about the direction you need to go. You are actually quite pretty as you are and I love your smile!

Hope that helps some.......

[Diana Bain]

I looked at the last pic you posted and you looked happy. I just turned 60 and I've had all your feelings too. With the help of a very understanding wife...i'll be starting HRT soon. But the path you choose must be you own. This forum can provide you with many thoughts and direction, but ultimately the choice is yours. Good luck!

[Lorileah]

first welcome. second, sharing here is a good thing.

You are not totally unusual. Your story will ring with many here. And that is where we may be able to help. Do what makes you happy. You know what that is. At least what it is for now. As you noted when things get stressful, that is when you feel the strongest urge. Mostly because it has something positive for you. There are many here who suppress the female side and feel dis-joined or miserable when they do, but they do it for a myriad set of reasons. Hang with us for awhile. Read the posts from others. Do not discount your feelings. Depression is a bad thing. If dressing helps, then dress. But know there is often a "drop" afterward. then it becomes a roller coaster.

Your appearing "androgynous" looks like (to me) a good compromise for now. You can pull off the modern male look but still feel feminine. Trust me there are a lot here who do that. Love yourself. That is the most important thing here. You will be surprised how that projects to others. If that takes a little makeup or an article of clothing, start there. You only have to please one person; you. Then when you find the right woman, and it is more likely if you do love yourself, then you can please two. But first take care of number 1. You can be any of the spectrum (just by looking at your pictures, you will fit anywhere).

So make yourself happy right now. Don't question it too much. Come here and you will soon discover who you are. It won't be quick, but it will be an epiphany. For now, relax and enjoy the ride. Trust me, you will find so many sypatico souls here that you will start to see things a little clearer. But don't push it too hard, that can be scary.

[Pearl]

i'm with suzanne, and i hope you can find someone who is helpful to you is you decide therapy is a way to check out.

[Jenniferathome]

No one on this forum can tell you what to do and none are close enough to you to offer the advice you need. Only via deep discussions with a professional who focuses on transgender issues will you be able to come to a decision.

[Ann Louise]

Sweetheart, it looks like you joined in March 2012, and only have two posts. I suggest you get your 10 posts in so you can receive and send private messages, then start some private correspondence with some of the other members here. There is such a wealth of experience available to you that I can't help but believe that many here can render some very valuable assistance to you.

Love yourself dear,

Elfin

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Diamond, you are at the point in your life where you could make an effortless transition if you wanted to, based on the pics you posted. With just a little effort you could probably go all the way and live as a woman without any of the issues we older members face.

As you read though the threads you'll see many of us wait until their late 30's-60's before they embrace their feelings, and by then have real, important, and precious responsibilities like marriages, children, jobs, and besides that considerable financial obligations. Some will say those are just excuses, but life happens along the way and all of a sudden your decisions don't just affect you. By then our hard male lives along with decades of testosterone and genes have made us bony, big, and masculine, and it is impossible to do more than wear women's clothes--without ever really looking like or living as women.

You look very young and appear blessed with attributes that could allow you to fully experience being a woman without facing many of the transitioning struggles I read about here. I for one will never go all the way, because it won't do any good. It's just not attainable, and even if it were, I love my wife, kids, mom, and family too much to even contemplate it. I am content to compromise, wear some hose and heels once in a while, and think about woulda, coulda, shoulda.

Nowadays, with all the legal protections and greater acceptance driven by positive media portrayals, a younger person can achieve spectacular results and that seems--at least superficially / visually--within your grasp. My only advice would be, if you are going to go all the way, do it now and wind up a knockout beautiful woman, which you will be, otherwise accept the other path. The other path can be very rewarding but you will always wonder and can never go back.

[Ann Louise]

Here Diamond, check this out:

http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/transgender-visibility-guide

Elfin

[Barbara Ella]

Diamond, you have some great advice here, and the best one for you after reading your post is to see a qualified gender therapist. You have strong feelings, but there seem to be quite a few ifs. Jlust because you can get something does not mean it will fit you at the moment. These ifs need to be figured out one way or another before you do anything. For now, do not worry about the future. You need to sort out how you right now, and are you comfortable. If you enjoy the androgynous then you should be doing it, embracing it, and seeing if you can make it fit into your current life. And as you do this, do not be a stranger here, there is a wealth of experience here just waiting for you. Jump in and chat with everyone.

Barbara

[Diamond Dog]

Thank you all for taking the time to read my thoughts and giving me helpful advice, warmth and emphathy. It deeply warms my heart.

Before I address each of you individually I would like to make some general comments.

I don't become happy by crossdressing alone. Only when it is shared in a loving way I feel happy.

Androgyny may or may not be the answer. I have only rescently started investigating it. I think I need some positive expiriences with it to know if it is the answer.

I have talked with a gender therapist. It helped in the begining, but stopped. She told me she did not think I should get the surgery to become a woman. We had to stop our sessions because I had to move to a different city. After I moved I I saw a regular therapist which did not help. I have contacted another gender therapist today.

I take rejection hard and therefore it can be hard for me not to care what the world thinks.

GroovyChristy
Thank you for your kind words and time. I agree. Only by being yourself can you feel whole and happy. I should not fake masculine traits that I feel uncomfortable with.

Good luck on your journey.

Suzanne Taylor
Your comment helps me a lot. I should talk more with a professional... Sadly I have already done it and it did not lead me to feel happy with my gender. Being dressed for a party in drag is one of the happiest moments of my life.

Diana
Thank you. I am sure having a loving girlfriend or wife to share these thoughts with is super beneficial.

Lorileah
Your comment is really helpful and insightful. One definitely needs to stand by onces feelings and thoughts in order to be happy.
Currenly dressing does not make me happy because it needs to a shared activity. I feel with crossdressing like kissing. It does not work alone.
I think focusing on androgony and self kindness is very good advice. Maybe that is what I should do for now.

Lovingkindness
I am glad there is such a supportive and loving group of people here. I am sure there is a wealth of expirience here that will help me.
And thank you for the link. Very valueable!

Shibumi
You are right. The timing is that I should make a decision soon. If I do make a transisition my fear is that it will not be effortless. Plastic surgery can go wrong or the hormones may not have a strong effect. I am scared.

[sonna]

be yourself and do what YOU want. do what makes YOU happy. got to tell you, your a pretty girl and a handsome man.

[DanaR]

Trying to figure out who you are can take a while. If you are in a committed relationship, compromise will dictate some of the things that you can do. It isn't easy, but you will find your way. Just remember, not to run if you are on the wrong road.

[AmyGaleRT]

This is a toughie, Diamond. First of all, the fact that you've found another gender therapist is a good thing. Keep your appointments and stick with it this time. One professional is likely to give you better advice than a hundred T-girls on a message board. Yes, even this message board.

That said...here's some opining from one of those T-girls. :)

You've said that it's not just dressing femme that makes you happy, but actually doing stuff while dressed femme. Perhaps you need to focus yourself, not just on dressing for dressing's sake, but on dressing with the goal of living full-time as a woman, insofar as that's possible. Don't just wear the clothes, embrace the role and the "woman within" fully. Find your femme name, if you don't already have one, and figure out what kind of woman this person inside you is. As a side bonus, if you start feeling that hormones or surgery are the right thing to do, most therapists will require you to live full-time in that gender for a period of time prior to starting those treatments. You'll be getting a head start. :) Then again, maybe you'll try it for awhile, and decide it isn't really what you want. Which is a really, really good thing to know before embarking on permanent physiological changes to your body. :)

That's my viewpoint. But don't take it as gospel. To paraphrase Leia Organa (the newest Disney Princess :) ), you've got to follow your own path, no one can choose it for you.

May you find and fulfill your destiny. :hugs:

- Amy

[CassandraSmith]

I hope I'm not just reading into the pictures but you look right in your femme expression of self. Without a doubt, you're a handsome guy too but I'm really against faking it if that's not really you. I've been doing this my whole life and one thing that I'm finally concluding is that if I were young, I would have asked these same questions. We didn't have the opportunity to explore this when I grew up. I used to wish I was a woman and I've known that they got the better end of the deal in every way since I was 3 years-old (OK, well maybe not the period thing but I would deal with that just fine ;-).

My feeling is that if you're gutsy enough to ask these questions, you're going to really do well in life and find the answers you need.


Cassy

[Beverley Sims]

You may find it useful to talk to a therapist. I was still discovering myself and decided I liked CDing and that is the route I took.
You look good in all your photos and with the replies here you should be able to decide.
You can rest assured you are not the odd person out.
You say that you did have a good relationship with one girl, well there are others that would share your interests and dressing more androgynously is not like dressing up.
The only way to get rid of the blues is usually to dress up and look feminine. It is a great release.

[DonnaT]

I can embrace masculinity and try and fake it till I make it.

Until you make what?

Make as a masculine man?

Make it until the feelings finally go away?

The feelings will never go away. They may change, but that's about it.

Do you like anything about being a guy? Is that enough to keep you from transitioning, and instead, live as a crossdresser?

Don't try faking anything, be honest with yourself. A gender therapist won't/shouldn't tell you what to do, but guide you into self discovery so you make your own decision.

Note that if you choose to transition, you'll need to live as a woman 24/7 for a year or more before transitioning. That will give you a good introspective as to how you want to proceed.

[NicoleScott]

Eighteen replies so far, and nobody has suggested that DD check out the transsexual forum.

[sometimes_miss]

Diamond, I could have written your post almost word for word, with the exception being that I never found a woman who even remotely could accept the idea of me being feminine at all, ever. For even if you can pass, and look good as a female, it seems that you are only sexually attracted, and interested, in women. And there simply aren't a lot of women on the planet that have any interest in us as mates should we ever go down the TS path. The number may not be so low as to be counted on one hand, but it's close. If by chance, you find such a woman, marry her and give her whatever she wishes, because you certainly won't find another one any time soon. I've been living with the feelings you have now for almost what, 50 years now. It doesn't go away. So, you CAN learn to live with it, and make the best of what your life is. Or you can throw caution to the wind, and go for it, hoping to win the lottery and find a woman who simply lives to love a TS MTF. I don't know of any.....anywhere. Seems there are a few women out there that have learned to tolerate it, but I've never heard of even one that was actually LOOKING for a MTF transsexual. Again, there may be some out there, but how to find them, I have no idea. Personal ads don't seem to do the trick. If you don't want a relationship, you may find a woman out for a thrill that might date you and even have sex with you. But LTR's are pretty rare. And remember, this place is a 'feel good' forum, and you will find encouragement for any way you choose, but be very careful, because feel good forums aren't reality. Keep your feet firmly on the ground when making a decision. I would have PM'd you, but you aren't accepting any messages as of this writing.
Best of luck. This isn't an easy life. But at least, we're not having people shooting at us and dropping bombs on us, so it could always be worse. For some possible insight, read my bio on the writers forum here, the link is at the bottom of my post. It may help you understand some things, or not. But I like to think knowledge is always a good thing.

[Annaliese]

Diamond when I look the the bottom picture I see a woman happy, you have gotten some good advice here, the main thing is do what makes you happy. Don't get to 60 and be unhappy for all those years. Seek professional help how.

[busker]

First of all. Thank you for reading my story. I will try to keep it short.

Happy on the outside... Miserable on the inside. Currently I am in a great deal of pain because I am having a very hard time dealing with my gender. There are a lot of masculine traits I don't feel are compatible with who I am. And the older I get the more obscure and alien masculinity seems to me.

I remember when I was 12 years old I prayed to God to wake up as a woman. After that I have been daydreaming about beeing a woman almost daily. It happens the most frequently when I am depressed and least when I am happy. I think I had it worst when I was living with a girlfriend in an unhealthy relationship and stressed out at work at the same time. I don't feel gender dysphoric when I feel in love, desired, valued, empathic or having an awesome time.

After my unhealthy relationship I decided to investigate the gender dysphoria closer. I started dating a girl who enjoyed dressing me up and we went to costume parties together. After having been to costume parties in drag I felt euphoric for a few days, followed by feeling depressed and empty. So I decided to see a gender therapist. It helped in the begining, but the effect stopped. Lately I have become more androgynous, yet it has not provided me with happiness.

So where does all of this lead me? I feel like I have a lot of feminine energy that is left unexpresed, when I hear people talking about how men are supposed to be I feel like I don't want to be a guy. I know I can be obsessive about the things I don't like in life. Maybe I am a lesbian woman in a man's body or maybe I am just a person who is currently pessimistic. If I was a beautiful woman I would find something else to complain about. I don't know.

I can get feminization facial surgery and start taking hormones.

I can keep on developing androgony and focus on the things I am grateful for in my life. Like my friends, hobbies, music, parties, coffee... Get myself back in a good and upbeat mood. Find queer clubs and a girlfriend who likes my feminine traits.

I can embrace masculinity and try and fake it till I make it.

What do you think I should do?

196548
This is me as male

196549
And androgynous

196564
And crossdressing

Thank you.


A visit to Dr Kutcherkakov isn't necessarily going to solve your problems. From your description, I would venture to say that fixing one thing may fix something else but first start with the easiest. You don't feel dysphoric when loved, desired and valued. That could fit an awful lot of just everyday people, not just crossdressers, or TS or TG or whathaveyou. A feeling of self worth, whether you are male or female is natural, normal and something that makes us move ahead in our chosen direction in life--whatever it is. It is probably fair to say that there are just as many UNHAPPY women as men in this world and switching teams won't necessarily change that. It is difficult enough to transition (from what I understand) and doing so without being on a sound footing would be foolhardy, IMHO.
I would say try the TS section of the forum, when you get you 10 posts , look up Melissa AKA Bad Tranny who has an enormous amount of good advice and a real head on her shoulders--I suspect she would be invaluable as a sounding board.
Another thing I would recommend is watching a documentary called Trinidad which follows a group of pre-op TS through post -op. It stars a post-op TS gynecologist trained by Dr Stanley Biber who was the first to do TS surgery in the US. It's on Netflix streaming if you are member and certainly worth the 8 bucks to join to see it . These are real people , 2 of whom are doctors, the others proessionals of some sort, and all were committed to their change. This doesn't claim to represent everyone but it is a good view of reality.

ps here's a concept that you might want to consider and read about:

The anima and animus, in Carl Jung's school of analytical psychology, are the two primary anthropomorphic archetypes of the unconscious mind, as opposed to both the "theriomorphic and inferior-function of the shadow archetypes, as well as the abstract symbol sets that formulate the archetype of the Self. The anima and animus are described by Jung as elements of his theory of the collective unconscious, a domain of the unconscious that transcends the personal psyche. In the unconscious of the male, this archetype finds expression as a feminine inner personality: anima; equivalently, in the unconscious of the female it is expressed as a masculine inner personality: animus.

The anima and animus can be identified as the totality of the unconscious feminine psychological qualities that a male possesses or the masculine ones possessed by the female, respectively. It is an archetype of the collective unconscious and not an aggregate of father or mother, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles or teachers, though these aspects of the personal unconscious can influence the person for good or ill.

Because a man's sensitivity must often be repressed, the anima is one of the most significant autonomous complexes of all. It is said to manifest itself by appearing in dreams. It also influences a man's interactions with women and his attitudes toward them and vice versa for females and the animus. Jung said that "the encounter with the shadow is the 'apprentice-piece' in the individual's development...that with the anima is the 'masterpiece'".[1] Jung viewed the anima process as being one of the sources of creative ability.

In the book The Invisible Partners it is said that the key to controlling one's anima/animus is to recognize it when it manifests and exercise our ability to discern the anima/animus from reality.[2]
This is from a WIKI article Anima and Animus

[pink.switch.love]

No one on this forum can tell you what to do and none are close enough to you to offer the advice you need. Only via deep discussions with a professional who focuses on transgender issues will you be able to come to a decision.

Then what's the point?

[docrobbysherry]

Personally, Diamond, I don't think any of us will offer advice that will make much of a difference. However, we CAN offer our experiences and promise to be here for u when u need attentive listeners!

It is your life. U must and should make all the important decisions on your own!

If I were u, I would NOT fake who u r or come out as trans, without first carefully considering the positive/negative side effects to yourself, friends, and family!

[NathalieX66]

My advice is to meet others like yourself. Some of these TG conferences like Southern Comfort Conference (Atlanta), Keystone Conference (Pennsylania), First Night (Provincetown Cape Cod, Massachusetts), Diva Las Vegas are great places to start.

...or just find a TG support group or meetup group, or TG events in your area. I have more than enough friends, resources, and places to go in the Philadelphia area and beyond, where I'm at. I'm so glad and grateful to have a range of friends from crossdresser to transsexual.

After a while you will begin to know you you really are, and what directions to go. Just remember: Life is a Journey, Not a Destination. If you traveled down one path, and aren't satisfied, then modify or change your course.

[Annette Anderson]

I would have to agree with the other replies about seeking out a qualified gender therapist.Just being a run of the mill crossdresser is hard enough for me.

[Leah Lynn]

Hi DD, You are not alone by any means. I lived a lifetime trying to be the male everyone wanted me to be. I tried sports in school, didn't care for them. Went into the service and volunteered for a covert unit. Married because I was "supposed to". I always felt wrong. Now, I'm male for work, femme the rest of the time. I would transition if it were possible. The only thing I can say is live your own life. Be the person you feel you are supposed to be. Life is too short to live it for someone else. Take care.

Leah

[Briana90802]

Heya,
I know how you feel about some of the things you talk about. I have found that this board helps a lot, but more than that having friends that can share common feelings is also a big help. I suggest that you find friends, either through this site or from a local support group. All of us have been there at one time or another and I think all of us are here for you. So don't fret too much. :)