Dealing with unaccepting parents

[abby21]

So I finally told my parents that I enjoy wearing girls clothes. Both my parents believe that there is an underlying issue that makes me want to crossdress and that is something that my counselor will have to find. I tried to tell them that its not an underlying issue but something that your born with. I don't think that either one of them will accept it. How do I deal with this, especially when I have to live with one of them?

[suzy1]

Ask them to do the research.

Suggest they read the relevant posts here?

Or Google the subject and ask them to read the web pages of qualified people that can put them right.

Good luck Abby.:)

[Beverley Sims]

Probably reading this site will freak them out.
Counseling is unlikely to have a significant effect unless it is a specialist gender counselor who will explain your problem to them.
Not knowing your age it is difficult to advise as well. If you know anyone in a similar situation you could talk to them and ask advice as well.
Other respondents here may have some better suggestions.

[suzy1]

I think Beverley could be right about this site freaking them out.

[abby21]

Probably reading this site will freak them out.
Counseling is unlikely to have a significant effect unless it is a specialist gender counselor who will explain your problem to them.
Not knowing your age it is difficult to advise as well. If you know anyone in a similar situation you could talk to them and ask advice as well.
Other respondents here may have some better suggestions.


I think Beverley could be right about this site freaking them out.

I also would agree knowing my parents they would freak out about this site but it might make them realize that there are many other men out there that are just like me but that could be a bit of a long shot

[Ariamythe]

Agreed that this site is not a good first choice. Its purpose is not to gently ease unaccepting parents into acceptance.

[Joanne f]

You could try and ask then that if you agree to go to counselling and the counsellor says it is just part of you and part of who you are then would they accept some of it and try to see things from your point of view and maybe point out that at 22 you are old enough to know what is right for you but I suggest that you do not try to push things overboard as far as dressing go's around them at the moment as they need time to get use to it .
Parents have most of the issues that a wife/so has but with the added bonus of worrying a lot more about their children and what will happen to them and it does not matter how old you are they will always worry so you also have to look at it from their point of view.

[pink.switch.love]

#1 - Did they really need to be told? / Did they really need to know? So if you were just doing it all the time then they would know - if you don't do it in front of them they wouldn't know and probably wouldn't need to.

I assume you are underage - Move out as soon as you can. There is a chance that they will not accept what you do and they may never understand. That doesn't mean that they don't love you. Don't hate them because they don't get you.

[Stephanie Miller]

Is there a councelor already picked out? If not maybe you could do the research for ones in your area that are transgender knowledgable. Then suggest that one to your parents as a choice to go to. With a positive spin it could turn out to help all of you. Don't leave the reseaarch up to them on any of it! There is too much garbage and untruth out there for them to gravitate to - of which they will just to bolster thier case agains trangenderism. Dig out the facts yourself and present it to them in a positive manner.

[DonnaT]

http://www.amazon.com/Trans-Kin-Family-Friends-Transgender-People/dp/0615630677

[DanaR]

Like everyone else has mentioned, this is probably not a good place the bring them, unless they are really open; which it doesn't sound like they are. If you are considering counseling, look around and find someone that has experience with TG issues not just anyone. If you just go to anyone, you might be seeing someone with the same values that your parents share; which is probably not in your best interests.

[NicoleScott]

I hope your counselor has experience with gender issues and has your well-being in mind and not being used by your parents to "cure" you. Since it's your parents that's having a hard time with your crossdressing, maybe they should see a counselor - one of their choosing, hopefully one experienced with gender issues - to help THEM deal with this.

[I Am Paula]

Are you trans, and considering becoming a woman, or just a CD. Each will open a very different can of worms.-Good luck

[Foxglove]

Hi, Abby! I'm not sure I can state this categorically, but I believe that when it comes to accepting someone's TGism, parents and children will have a more difficult time doing it than anyone else. They're the ones who have the most emotional investment in us.

I'm out of the closet and I've found a lot of acceptance everywhere. This would include my brother and sister. But the three of us have agreed that it may not be good to put my dad in the picture. He's very old and in fragile health and has never been the most open-minded about things like this. It could potentially seriously affect his health.

As for my son, he's quite accepting of TGism in itself. But when he actually saw me dressed, he found that extremely difficult.

I think parents and children simply need time, and I'm not sure how much of it. I have some contacts who are young and are having big problems with their parents. I don't know what the solution is. It may require a lot of patience on your part. I myself am convinced that if I'd come out to my parents when I was young, either that would have finished our relationship for good or at least for a very long time.

Your parents need to inform themselves on this issue. They need to learn that TGism is something that simply occurs in a small number of cases. They also need to accept that it doesn't necessarily make someone a bad person. If generally you've had good relations with them, it could allow you to hope that eventually they'll come round.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Tibby]

If you say that your parents believe there is an underlying issue and hope a counsellor can find the cause, that really suggest they are hoping this is a phase you are going through to either gain attention, cry for help or rebel against something and talking to a counsellor will "cure you" of crossdressing. One of the biggest problems with telling parents something you know they will never agree with or understand is that they always view it as being their fault, something they did wrong or they must have missed something that you really needed.

The most important part about this is educating people into what crossdressing actually is, not shouting at each other, not clamming up and not wanting to talk about it, but sitting down calmly and giving each person the opportunity to speak, ask questions and try to give answers in a calm way. Bear in mind though that they do not have to accept this, acceptance isn't somethng which can be forced, either by you or by them, so if they can't accept this then you will have deal with that.

You can help by talking with each other, educating your parents (as in wearing women's clothes does not mean you are homosexual, it does not mean you will decide to have a sex change, nothing they did made you be this way), asking your parents for support but also being prepared to offer them even more support while they have time to come to terms with this.

[reb.femme]

Hi Abby,

I checked your profile for your age. What a sleuth eh? I have to agree with the general sentiment of pink.switch.love, predominantly with the points about 'did your parents need to know' and 'moving out'. Annabelle points out as regards children and parents, "They're the ones who have the most emotional investment in us". Add SOs to that list too!

I'm not an advocate of counsellors, but again the good advice here seems to be that it's your parents that could gain the most from such a programme. With the genie well and truly out of the bottle at home, worst case scenario is moving out. Perhaps a little bit drastic at this point in time, but this course of action will need serious consideration if all attempts at compromise fail. My parents were medieval in their opinions of anyone outside of the 'norm' so I feel your pain, as these are the people we expect to support us when needed.

Rebecca

[abby21]

I am not underage I am 22. I would definitaely love to move out but thats alot of work and its alot of money that I do not have right now otherwise I would do it in a hearbeat. I agree they do need to educate themselves about crossdressing but because its out of the norm all they are gonna think about it is that it is weird.

[DanaR]

I am not underage I am 22. I would definitaely love to move out but thats alot of work and its alot of money that I do not have right now otherwise I would do it in a hearbeat. I agree they do need to educate themselves about crossdressing but because its out of the norm all they are gonna think about it is that it is weird.
You might check out http://community.pflag.org/

[abby21]

I talked a little more today to both of my parents. My dad asked me if I can do one thing for him and that was if I could refrain from wearing a bra. I agreed but I don't think I will be able to do that because that's the best part I think in my own opinion. My Mom said that she will support it but I need to realize that people will tease me and laugh at me and as long as I can handle that then I can do whatever I want. It still doesn't seem to fill the void tho it still seems like she doesn't like the idea and is only saying that.

[Stephanie Miller]

As I said above... information, information, information. Do NOT let their putting up with your dressing at any level stop you from following through and getting the informatin out to them.
That truely is all they are doing at this time - is putting up with. This is different from accepting.

[pink.switch.love]

I talked a little more today to both of my parents. My dad asked me if I can do one thing for him and that was if I could refrain from wearing a bra. I agreed but I don't think I will be able to do that because that's the best part I think in my own opinion. My Mom said that she will support it but I need to realize that people will tease me and laugh at me and as long as I can handle that then I can do whatever I want. It still doesn't seem to fill the void tho it still seems like she doesn't like the idea and is only saying that.

So I never really understood to what level you plan on doing this - are you planning to dress full time, recreational, or more of behind closed doors thing?

Is your dad asking to not wear a bra in front of him OR not in your bedroom?

What do you want to do with your life? what's holding you back from being motivated to work towards getting your own place? You just said "it's a lot of work" - is there something that prevents you from doing a lot of work?

Trust me.... it will be worth it for you if you can move out - unless there is something that in all this that you need to work out with them. Personally, I don't feel the need to tell my parents or children directly. They all can see various bits of it though - one night my mom noticed my nail polish and asked about it. I just told her I like it and we moved on.

Hang in there,
Pink

[rocketscientist]

Have you ever heard of the Menendez brothers? LOL. Seriously, just give them time to adjust to this revelation. Also, avoid any "christian" based counseling from biased neanderthals pushing THEIR religious agenda as THEY see it. If need be, seek out a qualified professional that can educate your parents. Always,ALWAYS remember this " If any one has a problem with how you're dressed, then THEY have a problem! Don't make it yours. Hugs,Tonya

[Jenniferathome]

Abby, they are of a generation that actually believes this is "curable." Maybe even homosexuality too! I think you should invite one or both to a therapy session and have the doctor tell them that you are "normal"

[Jacqueline Winona]

I talked a little more today to both of my parents. My dad asked me if I can do one thing for him and that was if I could refrain from wearing a bra. I agreed but I don't think I will be able to do that because that's the best part I think in my own opinion. My Mom said that she will support it but I need to realize that people will tease me and laugh at me and as long as I can handle that then I can do whatever I want. It still doesn't seem to fill the void tho it still seems like she doesn't like the idea and is only saying that.

This is actually very encouraging, Abby- it may not feel like it to you now, but acceptance doesn't always come overnight. Give them time, i don't know anything about your or your family, but you're off to a good start with them.

[abby21]

So I never really understood to what level you plan on doing this - are you planning to dress full time, recreational, or more of behind closed doors thing?

Is your dad asking to not wear a bra in front of him OR not in your bedroom?

What do you want to do with your life? what's holding you back from being motivated to work towards getting your own place? You just said "it's a lot of work" - is there something that prevents you from doing a lot of work?

Trust me.... it will be worth it for you if you can move out - unless there is something that in all this that you need to work out with them. Personally, I don't feel the need to tell my parents or children directly. They all can see various bits of it though - one night my mom noticed my nail polish and asked about it. I just told her I like it and we moved on.

Hang in there,
Pink


This is actually very encouraging, Abby- it may not feel like it to you now, but acceptance doesn't always come overnight. Give them time, i don't know anything about your or your family, but you're off to a good start with them.

Sorry Pink.switch.love I try to respond to every post on my threads but I can't to answer your question I am more of a recreational dresser it helps calm me down when I am in a bad mood or cheer me up when I am depressed. I think he means not wear a bra at all whether in front of him or behind closed doors. No I don't mind doing alot of work right now but the problem is I cant afford to move out right now at the moment I just started a new job at a machine shop so what money I had went to pay my bills.

Jennifer I meant to quote your post but I clicked the wrong one. I said to my dad that this something you are born with just like being gay its not a life choice, he responded with "I disagree". you are definitely right when you say they are a generation that thinks this can be cured. I might just take your advice and tell my counselor about this my next session and based on what she says to me if she says that its normal I will bring my dad along with me for the next session so he can hear it first hand from a professional thanks for advice!!!!

[andrea lace]

As far as counseling goes there are many people on this forum that will give you good advice. Its conditioning that tells society what you are doing is wrong. Information is key but it will take a long time before cross dressing issues are acceptable in this world. The advice I got was to slow down as I too am new to this site take care abby and remember (good things come to those that wait)

[Foxglove]

I said to my dad that this something you are born with just like being gay its not a life choice, he responded with "I disagree".

I don't know if there's anything that cispeople say that makes me angrier than this. I had an argument one time with a trans-hater who believed that his views on transgenderism were just as valid as mine. He's a Christian who believes that all the answers are to be found in the Bible. So he had the idea that his beliefs were just as valid as mine. He'd say, "You have your beliefs and I have mine."

I told him, "No. I'm not talking about my beliefs. I'm talking about my knowledge gained from my own personal experience and the experience of hundreds or thousands of transpeople that I've spoken to. You're talking about your beliefs, beliefs that are mistaken. I know what I'm talking about and you don't. Our opinions aren't equal."

A lot of cispeople like to tell themselves that being trans is a choice. That way we can stop whenever they tell us to. This fellow I was talking to thought the same thing. I offered to prove to him he was wrong. He could sign up as a member of this forum and ask, "Is being trans a choice or not?" He declined to do that. Trans-haters don't want proof that they're wrong.

Your dad doesn't have the right to disagree. This isn't a matter of opinion, whereby people are entitled to give their opinions as if all opinions are equally respectable. Either you have some knowledge on the subject or you don't. If somebody is sick, do they consider Joe Blow's opinion equally valid as their doctor's? There's such a thing as expert knowledge. When it comes to TGism, we transpeople have it. Cispeople don't. Their opinions don't mean a thing.

Sorry for the rant, but this sort of thing obviously gets to me. One mark of a smart person: he's smart enough to know when he's in a position to know something and when he's not.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Tibby]

I said to my dad that this something you are born with just like being gay its not a life choice, he responded with "I disagree".

This always does make me laugh and is typical of people so set in their ways who refuse to listen to any debate on subjects like this. If crossdressing or homosexuality are a life choice, at what age did your dad choose to be a heterosexual who only wore male clothes? When did he make the conscious decision to do this? To suggest that it's a life choice means there has to be a conscious decision made between being gay or being straight, to CD or not to CD.

Don't force your parents or rush them in coming to terms with this, yes you want them to understand and be supportive but you can't force it. Having yor mum say she will be supportive is a huge step and of course she's going to seem like she doesn't like the idea, you've just dropped a neutron bomb on them and forced them into a new world, one which they obviously are not comfortable with.

[pink.switch.love]

Why share it with your parents at all past this point then? They are not interested in what you do and if you are not going full-time they don't need to see it or know about it. It upsets them.
You're an adult and even though you live under their roof - what you do in private or in other places without them is not their business.

If you don't have clear goals yet for your life - work on setting them. Having a place where you can be who you are and not be afraid of upsetting somebody you love is *wonderful*.

[abby21]

This always does make me laugh and is typical of people so set in their ways who refuse to listen to any debate on subjects like this. If crossdressing or homosexuality are a life choice, at what age did your dad choose to be a heterosexual who only wore male clothes? When did he make the conscious decision to do this? To suggest that it's a life choice means there has to be a conscious decision made between being gay or being straight, to CD or not to CD.

Don't force your parents or rush them in coming to terms with this, yes you want them to understand and be supportive but you can't force it. Having yor mum say she will be supportive is a huge step and of course she's going to seem like she doesn't like the idea, you've just dropped a neutron bomb on them and forced them into a new world, one which they obviously are not comfortable with.

OMG thank you for that. That question is just the question I can't form by myself and its just the kinda thing that will shut him up and put him in his place becasue he wont be able to answer. Not trying to sound disrespectfull at all of course they are still my parents

[Jenniferathome]

This always does make me laugh and is typical of people so set in their ways who refuse to listen to any debate on subjects like this. If crossdressing or homosexuality are a life choice, at what age did your dad choose to be a heterosexual who only wore male clothes? When did he make the conscious decision to do this? To suggest that it's a life choice means there has to be a conscious decision made between being gay or being straight, to CD or not to CD.

Don't force your parents or rush them in coming to terms with this, yes you want them to understand and be supportive but you can't force it. Having yor mum say she will be supportive is a huge step and of course she's going to seem like she doesn't like the idea, you've just dropped a neutron bomb on them and forced them into a new world, one which they obviously are not comfortable with.

Abby, this is a great perspective and entirely accurate. Please remember that trying to shove it in your parent's face is not the answer. Take the high road. Try to help them understand. The very fact that your mother said she would support you is a huge step. You can not expect her or your father to embrace your cross dressing. That is just to fair.

[Stephanie47]

Abby, your first post was at 3:00 AM 1/24. It's been less than forty eight hours since you've had at least two rather confrontational conversations with your parents. For some reason you've decided they needed to know of your cross dressing without consideration of the possible responses or consequences. Less than forty eight hours is not enough time for them to digest what you have laid at their feet. You need to let the situation cool down.

[abby21]

Abby, your first post was at 3:00 AM 1/24. It's been less than forty eight hours since you've had at least two rather confrontational conversations with your parents. For some reason you've decided they needed to know of your cross dressing without consideration of the possible responses or consequences. Less than forty eight hours is not enough time for them to digest what you have laid at their feet. You need to let the situation cool down.

well thats prolly because my parents are divorced, or because my dad usually brings it up and asks me a ton of question whereas I try to avoid talking about it all together that 2 prolly explain that

[DebbieL]

So I finally told my parents that I enjoy wearing girls clothes. Both my parents believe that there is an underlying issue that makes me want to crossdress and that is something that my counselor will have to find. I tried to tell them that its not an underlying issue but something that your born with. I don't think that either one of them will accept it. How do I deal with this, especially when I have to live with one of them?

They might have a point. You might be a transsexual trying to maintain some element of stealth mode.

The thing to remember is that your parents love you, and want what's best for you. If you had a fatal form of cancer, which if untreated, would have an 80% chance of killing you before you were 30, but you could do a year of medications and a surgery or two that would increase your chances of survival to 98% - would they tell you hurry up and die? No they wouldn't.

IF you are transsexual, your chances of survival are very low, estimates are that roughly 75-80% of all transsexuals, especially those living in deep stealth pretending to be the wrong gender - will try to kill themselves 2 or more times before they are 30. Many will try multiple times, many will succeed in killing themselves. Those who don't often end up addicted to drugs, injuring themselves, or get misdiagnosed as mentally ill.

Until about 1969, most transsexuals were given electro-shock regularly. If that didn't work they would get the minor lobotomy. If that didn't work, they would get the full frontal lobotomy.

It's only been in the last few years that the American Psychology Association and American Psychiatry Association (both called the APA) - have conducted and published any significant emperical studies of transgendered people. The most recent samples included responses from over 30,000 transgenders, including transsexuals, cross-dressers, and other gender conflicted individuals - some still living in "stealth mode" - trying to keep these desires a secret.

In India, the Hjira have been around for nearly 8,000 years and are said to have magical powers and keen insight. In the western hemisphere transgendered natives were called "Two Spirit People" - they were believed to have two spirits sharing the same body. They were medicine men, healers, strategists, and peace-makers - negotiators. Pocahontas and Sacajawea may have been "two spirit" - which was why they were sent to investigate, and to interface with the newcomers.

I'm guessing that your parents aren't entirely ignorant, and may have even done some research on the subject themselves.

I would recommend the book "True Selves" to them. I have been reading it for a while now. It's a hard read, because it's so close to home for me, but I would recommend it to anyone in these groups, including you Abby.

[Tibby]

OMG thank you for that. That question is just the question I can't form by myself and its just the kinda thing that will shut him up and put him in his place becasue he wont be able to answer. Not trying to sound disrespectfull at all of course they are still my parents

Wanting to shut someone up and put them in their place is very much the wrong way to go about helping someone come to terms with what you have told them. You come across as having a very beligerent attitude in your approach to discussions with your parents, as if they have to accept this or else that means they are bad parents and don't love you. They don't have to accept anything, so if you want them to accept this then it is up to you to help educate them, not to expect them to do everything for you.

When you were at school did your teachers try to educate you by trying to score points off you, shut you up and put you in your place, see who can shout the loudest to get a point heard? If they did you wouldn't learn much from them and you certainly wouldn't want to listen to anything they had to say.

You will not help your parents or this situation with having that attitude, you have to be calm, respectful and learn to talk with each other and above all to listen to what each of you has to say and understand the concerns and emotions each of you have with this.

[Aaron Zwidling]

Wearing a bra is my favorite part as well, so if your dad ever brings up your promise to not wear a bra you should just tell him it's something you can't and shouldn't have promised. Regarding the rest of it, you may want to focus on the fact that crossdressers almost never stop crossdressing. Certainly any of the research or commentary I've ever seen says the vast majority (it seems like 99%+) never stop doing it. It sounds like your dad is treating this like quitting smoking, where only a certain amount of willpower is involved and once you are over the initial hump it becomes easier. He needs to understand crossdressing isn't like that at all, and even if you stop crossdressing for a time you will likely have the exact same urge to crossdress for the rest of your life. In other words you won't be getting rid of the urge to do it as you can with things like smoking where the urge diminishes over time, but just would just be making yourself miserable trying to enforce that no crossdressing restriction on yourself. I don't think most parents would want their kid to be miserable for parts of the rest of their life when all it takes to stop that misery is wearing a bra sometimes. As others have said give your parents some time to absorb what you have told them. If they do some research on the topic I think they will eventually realize that crossdressing never goes away, and it really is pretty mild compared to some of the serious addictions out there like drugs or alcohol.

[Foxglove]

Wearing a bra is my favorite part as well, so if your dad ever brings up your promise to not wear a bra you should just tell him it's something you can't and shouldn't have promised. Regarding the rest of it, you may want to focus on the fact that crossdressers almost never stop crossdressing. Certainly any of the research or commentary I've ever seen says the vast majority (it seems like 99%+) never stop doing it. It sounds like your dad is treating this like quitting smoking, where only a certain amount of willpower is involved and once you are over the initial hump it becomes easier. He needs to understand crossdressing isn't like that at all, and even if you stop crossdressing for a time you will likely have the exact same urge to crossdress for the rest of your life. In other words you won't be getting rid of the urge to do it as you can with things like smoking where the urge diminishes over time, but just would just be making yourself miserable trying to enforce that no crossdressing restriction on yourself. I don't think most parents would want their kid to be miserable for parts of the rest of their life when all it takes to stop that misery is wearing a bra sometimes. As others have said give your parents some time to absorb what you have told them. If they do some research on the topic I think they will eventually realize that crossdressing never goes away, and it really is pretty mild compared to some of the serious addictions out there like drugs or alcohol.


This is an excellent post and in my opinion could serve as the preface in a book entitled (oh, let's call it) "Transgenderism for Dummies".

The only quibble I'd have is the use of the word "addiction" in the last sentence. Whereas CDing might be compared to an addiction, I think the comparison is misleading. If you never start smoking, you won't get addicted to it. But CDing is something that you're hooked on before you even start. Rather than comparing it to an addiction, I'd compare it to a basic need--like eating, drinking and sleeping.

Another reason to avoid the comparison is that it's one that self-satisfied trans-haters latch onto. "You see, it's just an addiction. With enough will-power, you can give it up. (There's a good boy.) And you know, Jesus can help you with that."

Best wishes, Annabelle

[DonniDarkness]

abby,

You say you have a counselor, a therapist perhaps?

Speak with your therapist about talking to your parents. Chances are your therapist will have some valuable insight to help you in your next steps. Have your therapist talk with your parents as well. It will help them to understand what your dealing with and it will also bring them some validity to what you have already been telling them.

Im a parent. If your dad asked you not to wear the bra in front of him, respect his wishes for now until the two of you move more into common ground with understanding each other. Give him time he will come around.

Your mom may be your best bet for going to therapy sessions with you, take her the next time you go and ask your therapist to speak with both of you.

Remember to tell them you love them and that you need their support. Answer questions honestly. Dont get frustrated.

Best wishes,
-Donni-

[DebbieL]

Abby,
Your parents love you, they want what's best for you, and they may even be concerned that you might be transsexual, something that you need to explore with a trained professional. A therapist who has been trained and has experience in dealing with gender identity issues. A gender therapist will probably give you some assignments, like writing out your history, telling your "Story", and looking for certain indicators and patterns. He or she might even give you some assignments you'll enjoy, like going out dressed into various safe environments and ask for your feelings about the experience.

There was a time, 40 years ago, when a therapist would have tried to convince you that you were schizophrenic or had multiple personality disorder, and even today, a gender therapist will want to rule these out, to make sure there aren't deeper issues that also need to be dealt with. There are many forms of abuse, and some can be so subtle and unintentional that it may even be hard to get down to root causes. On the other hand, even if there are emotional or mental health issues in addition to gender identity, sorting these out can help you decide who you really are and who you really want to be. Maybe you really ARE Abbey, and you have been trying to keep her under "control" by cross-dressing occasionally. Or maybe you are just a transvestite who wants to try going out in public, just to see what it's like.

Here is a link to one of the best books I have read yet on the transgender experience
http://www.amazon.com/True-Selves-Understanding-Transsexualism-Professionals/dp/0787967025

I could also recommend "Alice in Genderland (http://www.amazon.com/Alice-Genderland-Crossdresser-Comes-ebook/dp/B003XRE800/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1)" which is more focused on cross-dressers and non-transitioning transgenders.

Both are available for Kindle (you can get a free reader as a Chrome applet), or in paperback.

[CassandraSmith]

Just accept that they aren't as enlightened as we would have hoped and treat them with respect is my best advice. If you're living there, don't flaunt your lifestyle choices. When you can move out, find an area where you can be you.

I happen to believe that there is a root but my take on it is very different from the APA or medical community. I think it's passed through the generations just like any other trait whether it's positive or negative. Some families produce athletes, some produce thinkers, sometimes it's a negative like alcoholism. My family has a strong thread of healing energy and half of us were in the human services professions and a couple are incredible healers too. The same thing that makes us fascinated with feminine clothing enables us to care for other people and that includes the icky stuff that most guys can't handle. I for one am squeamish around blood but I can listen to the most heavy emotional stuff imaginable. I thought about becoming a counselor but I'm not quite the right fit for that though I have a bit of the touch.

[Deedee Skyblue]

Agreed that this site is not a good first choice. Its purpose is not to gently ease unaccepting parents into acceptance.

On the other hand, if these parents go looking for CD sites on their own, they might find some of the sites that are primarily for the purposes of sex, where there aren't any rules about what kind of pictures can be posted, or topics that can be discussed.

Dee

[Deedee Skyblue]

Don't hate them because they don't get you.

Kind of jumping the gun, here? I didn't see anything in the original post that suggested there was any hate involved.

Dee

[DebbieL]

Kind of jumping the gun, here? I didn't see anything in the original post that suggested there was any hate involved.
Dee

The original post seemed to show just the opposite. I got the impression that at least one of the parents was very supportive, but wanted to make sure their child was able to address all the issues that might be driving the cross-dressing.

Abby - have you discussed this with either of your grandmothers? They often pick up on this more astutely than parents, and are more supportive from the very beginning. Some of this may be because they remember a time when women were so oppressed and were given more power when working as "Rosie the Riveter" - or just the fact that there can be 40-50 years of evolution in gender roles and gender rights - which makes it easier for a grandmother to understand.

I know that my grandmother caught me going through her drawer full of old lady corsets, and she invited me to come down to the cellar with her. She showed me a huge closet of old clothes, mostly bridesmaid dresses (she had 4 daughters), prom dresses, and other favorites from the girls that she kept down there, all very well preserved. She told me I could wear any of those that I wanted to. Eventually, 2 of my other boy cousins were introduced to the cellar as well, and probably more than that. There were suits there as well, and one of my cousins who was a tom-boy liked to wear them.

[CassandraSmith]

Wanting to shut someone up and put them in their place is very much the wrong way to go about helping someone come to terms with what you have told them. You come across as having a very belligerent attitude in your approach[...]

It's OK. She's just letting off steam. Her dad would be equally frustrated if the whole family were telling him to go gay. This video will help you see what I mean:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LGEiIL1__s

[Tibby]

It's OK. She's just letting off steam. Her dad would be equally frustrated if the whole family were telling him to go gay. This video will help you see what I mean:



That video was hilarious and yes it does highlight your point with humour, quite often it's the best way. Thanks Cassandra :hugs:

[abby21]

Abby,
Your parents love you, they want what's best for you, and they may even be concerned that you might be transsexual, something that you need to explore with a trained professional. A therapist who has been trained and has experience in dealing with gender identity issues. A gender therapist will probably give you some assignments, like writing out your history, telling your "Story", and looking for certain indicators and patterns. He or she might even give you some assignments you'll enjoy, like going out dressed into various safe environments and ask for your feelings about the experience.

There was a time, 40 years ago, when a therapist would have tried to convince you that you were schizophrenic or had multiple personality disorder, and even today, a gender therapist will want to rule these out, to make sure there aren't deeper issues that also need to be dealt with. There are many forms of abuse, and some can be so subtle and unintentional that it may even be hard to get down to root causes. On the other hand, even if there are emotional or mental health issues in addition to gender identity, sorting these out can help you decide who you really are and who you really want to be. Maybe you really ARE Abbey, and you have been trying to keep her under "control" by cross-dressing occasionally. Or maybe you are just a transvestite who wants to try going out in public, just to see what it's like.

Here is a link to one of the best books I have read yet on the transgender experience
http://www.amazon.com/True-Selves-Understanding-Transsexualism-Professionals/dp/0787967025

I could also recommend "Alice in Genderland (http://www.amazon.com/Alice-Genderland-Crossdresser-Comes-ebook/dp/B003XRE800/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1)" which is more focused on cross-dressers and non-transitioning transgenders.

Both are available for Kindle (you can get a free reader as a Chrome applet), or in paperback.

Sometimes I really believe that I am abby inside but i dont know how to tell anybody this on account that too many people judge


The original post seemed to show just the opposite. I got the impression that at least one of the parents was very supportive, but wanted to make sure their child was able to address all the issues that might be driving the cross-dressing.

Abby - have you discussed this with either of your grandmothers? They often pick up on this more astutely than parents, and are more supportive from the very beginning. Some of this may be because they remember a time when women were so oppressed and were given more power when working as "Rosie the Riveter" - or just the fact that there can be 40-50 years of evolution in gender roles and gender rights - which makes it easier for a grandmother to understand.

I know that my grandmother caught me going through her drawer full of old lady corsets, and she invited me to come down to the cellar with her. She showed me a huge closet of old clothes, mostly bridesmaid dresses (she had 4 daughters), prom dresses, and other favorites from the girls that she kept down there, all very well preserved. She told me I could wear any of those that I wanted to. Eventually, 2 of my other boy cousins were introduced to the cellar as well, and probably more than that. There were suits there as well, and one of my cousins who was a tom-boy liked to wear them.

I would have but my moms mom is dead and I never knew her anyway and my dads mom just isnt the kinda person the grandchildren talk to and also she live about 100 miles away so that kinda rules out the grandparents