I need help. Would transistion take me where I need to go?

[Diamond Dog]

I wrote in the Male to Female Crossdressing section yesterday where I got a lot of helpful advice, warmth and emphathy. It really helped a lot and warmed my heart.

Right now I am feeling completly miserable and with thoughts of suicide. I feel like I should have transistioned earlier and feel regret and pain. I don't know what I should do.

I remember when I was 12 years old I prayed to God to wake up as a woman. After that I have been daydreaming about beeing a woman almost daily. It happens the most frequently when I am depressed. I am currently seeing a new gender therapist.

I write here because I want to know if transistion (hrt or ffs) would give me the results needed for me to feel happy. I want to be honest and tell you that I am vain, and it would be crucial for me to be able to always pass as a woman.

[kellycan27]

"Always passing" is a pretty tall order and one that alludes most. FFS would do some good... The results of HRT are going to be a crap shoot. If transitioning depends on how you will look afterwards is at the top of your list for doing so you may want to continue seeing your therapist for a while before you undertake these physical changes. I am sure that most here would agree that looks would be great, but pretty far down the list of what motivated them to transition. Good luck in whatever path you decide to walk.


Kel

[Diamond Dog]

I can only tell you how I feel. It would be very important to be to be always passing... It is just how I feel. If I can't... I dunno. I have so many thoughts of suicide... I really hate this. **** ****!

[Jorja]

Right now you are still on the young side so while HRT is a crap shoot, you stand a better chance now than a few years from now. It really depends upon your genetic makeup as to how much HRT will help. FFS will help dramatically but it isn't a magical ticket to passing 100% of the time. As already mentioned, if transitioning depends on how you will look afterwards then you may want to reconsider your reasoning for transition.

I wish you all the best on your path to discovery.

[Diamond Dog]

My reasons for transitioning are many. I have trouble relating to many masculine traits... I feel at peace when I express femininity. But the woman inside me wants to look like a woman... I don't think that is irational.

Maybe my only choice is to be the man I was born as and focus on the things I enjoy... But right now... I don't want to be alive. I feel so much regret that I did not do it sooner...

[JohnH]

I don't have many thoughts at all of transitioning to being a woman. Having said that, I am now on M2F HRT, and I really feel much better about myself. I now wear B cup bras and expect to grow to wearing C cup bras in six months. In public I wear men's clothes the great majority of times, but I wear lipstick and have fairly long hair.

I was suicidal before going on HRT - the estrogen was like a breath of fresh air that has lifted me out of decades of depression. The improvement was so pronounced my wife wants me to continue on HRT.

I am a basso profundo - I definitely do NOT have any interest in speaking like a generic woman. It is amusing when I can sit next to a man with a full beard who is singing tenor when I am singing bass!

I say you most likely should go on M2F HRT - up to six months it is reversible if it does not feel right. So you could back out if it is not right for you. However, in my case, I have been on M2F HRT for 16 months and it has really been a blessing for me!


John

[Inna]

Your questions resonates with my own interpretation of being accepted, without a single question, as a woman. I too did absolutely everything possible to achieve this illusive realm, mind you I have started eons older considering your youthful age.
You are very handsome, and I know, it does not give you any encouragement but be assured, beautiful male often turns into a beautiful woman. Proportions of beauty are universal and with the proper direction, surgeon and attitude, passability is, in the end, achievable. However road towards this wholeness is paved with thorns, which pierce your resolve and test the best of will. Make sure, through therapy, that this is the final option, where all else have failed, to step into the path of transition. And be aware that promise of conclusion is faint at best and that this quest is about your soul first far before the flesh an bone.

[Diamond Dog]

Thank you for your post Inna! Very heartfelt. It made me feel less alone with my pain.
The paradox is that I need to be ready in order to transistion, but the longer I wait the bigger the struggle... What I do know is that I can be happy as a male, but gender disphoria has gotten worse and worse as I have grown older...

I have two options. Get the most out of being male, find feminity and become androgenous. Or take the risk and transistion... I have talked with a gender therapist... It did not lead me to a conclusion... Just more confusion.

[Inna]

Therapy is to uncover the deep layers of self, well hidden from view by circumstance and denial. Definition of a good therapist is one, but often, the human factor obscures the direction and connection.
Don't give up on therapy, because of one failed attempt. Then you also must ask your self, if such attempt at understanding failed to produce results, but inconclusive realm, seems the burden of inadequacy lays with the therapist.
For one, you are here posting in this forum, asking for clarity and expectations regarding transition, these are not questions asked by a casual non transgender individual, so one thing is clear, you are transgener. But how deep the rabbit hole goes is solely up to you!
Transition will erase the burden, but also with it, the consciousness of his legacy, his joys and his trials and tribulations. You must first be absolutely sure of her rightful place amongst living, only then can full assimilation be expected.

[Diamond Dog]

Thank you for your insight Inna. I am not giving up on therapy. I am sure talking about this with loving people will lead me to peace... I hope... I hope.

I am not sure how deep the rabbit hole goes... The fact that I always want to be passable might be a indication of not being a "true transgender" or the fact that I am straight... I just don't feel at home with male clothes, body language, values... I crossdressed at a party (the picture where I have black hair and no glasses) and was treated like a woman... I felt so happy for days after... Then I came down with a depression... My feeling og gender is very much based on how people act towards me... Just how it is.

[Badtranny]

My feeling on gender is very much based on how people act towards me...

This rings true.

It was and is important for me to 'pass' as a woman 100% of the time as well. It will happen. It hasn't happened yet. You have a lot going for you so your chances are good for looking good, but there WILL be a period of time that is awkward and uncomfortable. How long I don't know but transition is a long painful process and if you're not doing it for the right reasons you'll never make it.

[ChelseaErtel]

I'm on the old side of realizing I'm a TS. I realized that when I was 51. I have not begun transitioning because of my wife and family. If it was only me I'd begin in a minute. I know that I wouldn't pass 100% of the time and to me that doesn't matter. I go out now and I don't worry about passing. Do I want to pass, most certainly. We'd all want to pass 100% of the time. When I see a woman who is attractive I don't want to "do" her, I want to be her.

I was fairly depressed this morning until I got dressed as Chelsea and saw my true self in the mirror looking back. If you are young, which it sounds like you are, you have a much better chance of passing than someone my age. The only good thing about being my age is at this time period in life men and women begin to start looking similar. A little pudgy around the middle etc., and it seems that makes it easier to blend in.

Good luck in your journey, it's a very difficult road but had potential to turn your life around. I would suggest you do begin seeing a therapist for help in making your decision and make sure they have TG experience.

[Rianna Humble]

I am concerned by your insistence that only 100% passing is acceptable, if you set yourself such an exacting goal, how are you going to cope with the interim sages when your body is only in the process of adapting?

I definitely think that you should persevere with your gender therapist as it is almost bound to take several sessions before you start to see your goals clearly enough.

At your age, there is still a good prospect of HRT eventually resulting in a favourable outcome from your point of view, but there will be times (if you transition) when you will have self-doubt and also when you may get unfavourable comments from people who do not know you.

As others have said, from what you write it is more than likely that you are transgender, the question is whether you are transsexual - and I don't want to prejudge that. I don't think you should confuse yourself by trying to compare your sexuality to your gender or even to what you want to look like.

I recognise a lot of my own story in the things that you have written here:

Telling myself I could be happy as a man (wrong in my case)
Telling myself that transition would be a failure if I was not absolutely beautiful (no chance in my case)
Not feeling right in male clothing, body language etc.
As a child, praying that I could wake up as a girl
Becoming suicidally depressed
Feeling that I had wasted so much of my time

I don't think that your gender dysphoria will go away on its own, but I do think that you need to invest yourself in seeking out what is the right path for you.

If you are transsexual, then HRT will certainly help you to cope with the dysphoria. I wish it were possible for anyone to give you a conclusive answer to whether transition will ultimately make you happy, but unfortunately, we cannot tell you what is right for your particular circumstances.

[Nigella]

I write here because I want to know if transistion (hrt or ffs) would give me the results needed for me to feel happy. I want to be honest and tell you that I am vain, and it would be crucial for me to be able to always pass as a woman.

How can we answer that question? You could go the whole hog, and pass 100% as a GG, but how can we know if it would make you feel happy? The first thing you need to do is to see a therapist who specialises in TG issues, that sound advice comes from many and is worth taking on board, even if you don't bother with any other advice.

[Inna]

one question for you Diamond Dog:

what if you pass 100% after process of FFS and HRT, but you will rather look like an average and perhaps less attractive female, would you still go full steam ahead or reconsider the transition?
An honest answer is necessary, and you don't need to post it here, but you your self need to answer it in truth to, well just you!
When setting out on this journey I believe we all have the same goal in mind, and that is to finally be whole, passing is a very big part of it, but passing is only the transgender term, and resides within reality of being transgender. Beyond that point, passing is no longer part of ones life after they have crossed into the womanhood and no longer are trans but simply transsurvivors.
There in the realm of life as it is, we just want to live out the rest of our life feeling accepted as who we really are, A WOMAN!

[arbon]

your young so HRT could have a more impact, and your not talking about how it could impact a wife or children and letting that hold you back, that's a good thing! - if your not married you have a lot going for you if you decide to transition.


My feeling og gender is very much based on how people act towards me

I can relate to that very much - when people identify me and address me as male it depresses and agitates me. When I am being seen and accepted as a woman I feel much better about myself.

I was really afraid of not passing to - I could not imagine trying to transition if I could not pass. I remember my therapist asking me why I did not transition and I will not pass was top of the list. But for me I was so unhappy as male what else was there but to try?
I don't pass that well today but I find it much better then having to try to be something I hated being. I am free to be me.

[celeste26]

Diamond Dog, one thing that can be done is electrolysis. Getting the beard gone will not throw you out of the "male club" but it will enable you to be seen better as female. There is nothing that gives one away more than a face full of stubble. It is not something that can be done in a single day either, it takes awhile even with all the funds necessary. It is also far less expensive than SRS and FFS and it is a significant step forward in this journey we share. It is also something that will be needed eventually anyway if you choose to go onward. The time spent in an electrolysis chair will help you focus on just which choice you do want.

[TeresaL]

Maybe, after sorting things out with your therapist and endo, you could try a partial transistion. It may hold for awhile, allowing you to get better grounded. Realizing of course, (and it may not be an issue) that you may lose fertility going into partial transition. Androgen blockers are sometimes administered first, and they alone can reduce your GID level down to a lesser, more peaceable pace -- thereby allowing you some wiggle room without heading straight to the SRS route.

Most of all, you need peace amongst turmoil, and being transgender is also an AMA, recently registered and documented medical cause and is thusly treated and cared for.