"The Facts, M'am, Only The Facts" (Dragnet)

[Julie Gaum]

A bone to pick: Probably 99% of this Forum's members are sincere, honest and go out of their way to share joys, seek solace from incidents of misfortune/misadventures and provide the best advice they know how to Forum newbies and long term members still not at the place in life they would like to be.
Along comes usually new or aspiring members seeking fresh viewpoints and suggestions. Other than the comradeship that this Forum furnishes, the members are only too happy to extend a helping hand but that should include on the part of those looking for help complete honesty; to be forthright on any facts or incidents
that have a bearing on the problem at hand. It is essential to let the Forum know
how many children are involved, whether the CD has been unemployed now or recently. if the spouse works or is the only one putting bread on the table, if you have given up or unable physically to hold a job, if as a couple you have enjoyed sex with another couple, the wife or both of you are Bi, that you are now only interested in men, that the spouse is unsupportive, that after X years you are only now revealing your inclinations or still in hiding. All of the above and much more may have a bearing on the members' direction in replying. In other words don't waste the time of CDs who can find much better use of their time than getting tidbits and pieces over days or even hours and still vital information is being withheld. It's
not fair! There, I got my disgust out in the open. Thank you for reading my rant.
Julie

[Michelle (Oz)]

Obviously something must have upset you Julie. Newbies often don't know the questions to ask let alone the information wise and experienced members need to answer. There is also an initial reluctance to provide personal details.

[darla_g]

I think i know where Julie is coming from. You don't really get the whole story , key details are left out etc.

I think people come post something and are expecting someone a particular response to what they they have written and when someone doesn't validate their opinion they get quite indignant at the opinion that is provided. I say that if you come here and tell your story you are opening a door, you may not like the responses that you get back when you do that but everyone is entitled to their opinion.

[Ressie]

Should I send it in an email? No, just the fax ma'am!

Kind of like the media, we never get the complete story. It's usually so incomplete, wrong and twisted that people on forums will argue when nobody really knows the truth.

Or is it more like calling a radio psychologist, looking for someone to agree with one's relationship problem, only to find that the caller isn't looking at herself in the mirror. There's two sides to every story right?

[Rogina B]

Or is it more like calling a radio psychologist, looking for someone to agree with one's relationship problem, only to find that the caller isn't looking at herself in the mirror. There's two sides to every story right?

I continue to not understand how so many across the entire forums,continue to tell others how important their T minded issues are yet are not out,nor have they even tried,to be accepted by their immediate family.Like drama queens,they run to the chorus for support.And,they continue to get it,WITHOUT stating the facts,just twisting them.."Ilove my wife...so.." When the truth is "I am scared of taking a stand with my wife..but I want to transition.." However,the support chorus chimes right in with the "poor you" BS. There needs to be a whole lot more objective thinking done before pigpiling the support as that isn't helping the poster as it feeds to their false sense of reality.

[Ariamythe]

Obviously something must have upset you Julie. Newbies often don't know the questions to ask let alone the information wise and experienced members need to answer. There is also an initial reluctance to provide personal details.
Speaking as a recent newbie here, I'd say Michelle is right. Especially for those of us who are new to this ourselves -- just exploring, still confused -- there can be a reluctance to share details that might break anonymity, or just details we can't psychologically face ourselves.

I get the frustration of giving someone honest advice, and then having that person say "That doesn't fit me, because I didn't mention before but X," and then your time and support feel wasted. But don't always assume there was malice in the omission. Sometimes we're still figuring all this out ourselves!

[NicoleScott]

I continue to not understand how so many across the entire forums,continue to tell others how important their T minded issues are yet are not out,nor have they even tried,to be accepted by their immediate family.

OK then. New Rule: no more support for closeted crossdressers.

[Denise1951]

From another newbie perspective. I have been doing this for over 50 years. And in those 50 years, I have been TOTALLY ALONE in my dressing. NO ONE to talk to , No one to get advice from. Then I found this forum. It may be easy for the veterans to post and tell their stories in great detail. But for me, I don't know where to start, or what to include. I have never talked about it except to my wife. I sat down last month and wrote out "my story" and it was 35 pages long. When I posted the first time, I sat there with my finger on the send button for 10 minutes. "did I say the right thing? Will they make fun of me? Remember, it is hard for the new comers. Most of us are just beginning to explore.

[genevie]

From another newbie perspective. I have been doing this for over 50 years. And in those 50 years, I have been TOTALLY ALONE in my dressing. NO ONE to talk to , No one to get advice from. Then I found this forum. It may be easy for the veterans to post and tell their stories in great detail. But for me, I don't know where to start, or what to include. I have never talked about it except to my wife. I sat down last month and wrote out "my story" and it was 35 pages long. When I posted the first time, I sat there with my finger on the send button for 10 minutes. "did I say the right thing? Will they make fun of me? Remember, it is hard for the new comers. Most of us are just beginning to explore.

Ditto for me too. Thanks.

[Ann Louise]

Has anyone here ever tried to sign up with Facebook with a pseudonym to remain anonymous, friended a couple of folks, and then found you were getting scary emails and suggestions from Facebook that were proposing you friend-up with actual folks you DID know and were among those from whom you were trying to remain anonymous? How about Google? Ever wonder how uncanny that search engine was in picking out what you were trying to search for before you even complete what you're typing, particularly after your second or third try as it "learned" more about you? Of course you do, it's computer algorithms. Don't you just love that about the year 2013?

This forum is based in the internet environment. Nothing here is truly private, secure, or anonymous. Yet the OP is proposing that I give out my family size, employment status, marital status, sexual orientation and whether I swing or not, and if my marriage is happy or not, just for starters! Right!


I may be "anonymous" here, but lets say you're a CD involved in a bitter, hateful divorce, and you're worried about whether someone working for a hostile divorce lawyer takes the sum total of your original posts and your responses, adds in clues that you freely gave here about your age and physical location, and deduces that you (pseudonym) were quite possibly you (in real life). Stranger things have happened ladies.

I may or may not be in the closet in real life, but I will always remain somewhat guarded about the facts about my "real life" that I lay out here or anywhere else on the internet.

Perhaps some others are less concerned about or even totally disregard leaving "a trail of bread crumbs." Good for you! But I choose to be concerned about it, and I will never divulge to the public all the nit-picky details of my personal life, not here, not ever.

I'm growing to love this forum, but I find it very unpleasant when others attempt to apply unsolicited mean-spirited judgments on others here, and particularly on emotionally fragile newcomers. I'm still just a newcomer here really, but I'm also a very fast learner, so:

"The Facts, M'am, Only YOUR Facts," if you please. Elfin Skytower

[CassandraSmith]

I agree with some of the posters here that anonymity is very important for most of us and it would be unwise to paint too detailed a picture. I thought that was the point of the PM. If you need additional details about me, just ask me privately so I can control the amount of information I let out.

As it is, it would be pretty easy to sink my life by outing me at this point and it would be very very painful. I have a lot to lose.

Of course, that raises the question, are these your real friends then? I contend that they are real friends and I respect that they aren't at the point where they could handle some of the details of my life. In addition, it's not relevant or important that they know additional details either such as one's sexual/medical/political/military experiences.

I'm thinking that first and foremost, our members safety should be on the forefront of our thoughts at all times.

[Rachel Newark]

Of course, that begs the question, .

Hi Cassandra :-) I agree with almost everything you say. We all have things to conceal. If anyone disagrees - please post your bank account details ! However ( Grammar Nazi!!! ) Begging the question doesn't mean that. It means that we assume that the initial assumption is correct without any logic to show that the statement is correct in the first place e.g. "I think he is unattractive because he is ugly" begs the question. http://begthequestion.info/

Rachel

[Beverley Sims]

As someone who posts advice now and then I find it difficult to give recommendations in some traumatic situations, depression, divorce and complicated stressful relationships.
I tend to give generic advice first, and then fill in the blanks as the conversation unfolds. I am conscious about giving bad advice.
Some new members have not got the feel for the forum and ride roughshod over every reply they read.
With these I try to advise on the etiquette of reply, if they do not respond so be it.
They usually are gone in a short time anyway.

[CassandraSmith]

Hi Cassandra :-) I agree with almost everything you say. We all have things to conceal. If anyone disagrees - please post your bank account details ! However ( Grammar Nazi!!! ) Begging the question doesn't mean that. It means that we assume that the initial assumption is correct without any logic to show that the statement is correct in the first place e.g. "I think he is unattractive because he is ugly" begs the question. http://begthequestion.info/

Rachel

I like good grammar so I fixed it! :-)

[Julie Gaum]

First I wish to apologize to Denise, Ariamy, Michelle and Elfin for coming across too harshly in that my initial post was interpreted that I don't understand the need for privacy or the fear that identity might be exposed ... I do understand those concerns. The fact is that too often
a post is made asking for advice but deliberately avoid providing a key bit of information sorely needed. For example (not quoting from any particular post) the OP asks how to better get along with their wife. After receiving numerous answers the OP replies "Oh, I can't do what you suggest because I'm no longer attracted to women and I also want to transition." Can you honestly tell me that the poster is so stupid
that they don't understand that that last piece of information was vital before an opinion can be formed? Was it not a deliberate omission?
The Forum members are not asking to reveal one's bank account or their mother's maiden name but only what is pertinent. Members do not usually wish to judge but only to inform or provide their best opinions. Understandably details are not forthcoming because of fear or not realizing what details are needed "to fill in the blanks" without a member having to guess. My ire was raised by the few who try to mislead our
members. For the rest please excuse an old sister's ramblings. And a note to Elfin: My "facts" are contained in a 534 page published memoir.
Julie

[Joanne f]

I am English therefore I have a tendency to have this closed book type of mentality we are not so open as the Americans can be so it doe's not bother me in what people want to leave out especially about their privet lives , I am sure that most people can equate the answers that they get to there own particular situation without giving all their details out on the internet.

[AllieSF]

I have been here for some time now and as you can see also post a lot too. I think that everything works fine here. If a newbie doesn't give all the details, or a long term member as well, so what? If someone has a doubt, or needs more info. Just ask. If your time is so precious, then ask that quick question and move on. I surely do not want to read life stories in everyone's post, when it is not needed. I agree that sometimes a bit more info can be very useful. However, if I post something and find out later some newer info is added that makes my first post useless, I can easily live with that because it happens so infrequently. Sometimes, members here just need to write about whatever is on their mind at that moment based on what time is available to them. So, I say it is not a big deal and just try to live with that little imperfection.

[Ann Louise]

.. a note to Elfin: My "facts" are contained in a 534 page published memoir.
Julie

Thank you for your reply Julie, you indeed talk the talk and walk the walk. I'll read your memoir - I found it here:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/never-climbed-his-mountain-julian-gladstone-aka-julie-gaum/1114041769?ean=2940044190207

[Kate Simmons]

You never have to read or reply to something that you don't want to my friend.:)

[Barbara Ella]

I try to give advice where it seems appropriate. When all the info isn't given, my advice is probably not appropriate (OK, most of the time anyway!!). My worry is the questioner may look at my response and think I am more of a ditz than I really am, when i would have had a different answer knowing a few more pertinent facts. It is important to realize that the newbies may not realize how significant little things can be, and it is only by talking to the girls here that they pick up on that. I will say that most here are extremely well mannered, and I personally have not been called out all that often (thank you gracious ladies).

I read Julie's book a year ago, "He Never Climbed His Mountain" is an excellent read that is not just about crossdressing, but a life well lived. My review is on Amazon under the name I had when I first started, Babes.

Barbara

[LaraPeterson]

Hey Julie, 8 years and only 169 posts. What's up with that? Maybe you spent most of that time writing your memoir. If you don't like brevity in someone's post, their inability or unwillingness to write with complete thoughts or what you think is necessary information, move on to something else. No one who addresses this forum owes you a thing. At least you got one thing right, it is a rant.

[Ame Anderson]

You never have to read or reply to something that you don't want to my friend.:)

Enough said. And remember brevity is the soul of wit.