Feels like I am at a crossroad in life now.

[jennifer24]

Hi, I don’t post on here as much as I should but would like to share this.
I have been dressing since I can remember and have known for years that I wanted to transition and over the last few years I have taken steps to go in that direction, I have a therapist who I have been seeing for a couple years and she supports my feelings to transition fully.
I have really started to think about HRT alot lately and just this past week I meant with someone who specializes in HRT and SRS and she has gave me the ok to start.

My issue is this though, I have a g/f of 14 years and over the past few years for the most part I have been totally honest with her, she has become to except who I am and even go out with me a few times, I have never told her though that I wanted to fully transition at some point and she as said that if I ever did she could not except it and is very strong about her feelings on that.
I know for sure that I do want to transition 1 day but I also know I need to be honest with her and not lead her into this false security, I do know that if I wasn’t with her I would have progressed more then I already have, so I guess now I just feel like I am at a crossroads now, should I just move forward or keep treading water and keeping the peace? I do feel that if I stay where I am I will not be totally happy.
Really I am not looking for a direction to go from you girls because I know whatever way I go it will have to be my decision and everybodys situation is different, guess I am just venting and trying to figure out if and when I should take the next step.
I do feel that I am not happy with my inner self though and want the outside to match whats on the inside.
I also know that starting HRT is a big step, bigger then I have ever taken before and it should be taken very serious and with lots of thought.

[Nikki A.]

After 14 yrs you owe it to her to tell her what you're feeling and where you're headed. If she is as adamant as she says she is then let her get on with her life.
I have a feeling this is not gonna be pretty considering how long you've led her on.

[Badtranny]

Stop thinking. Start doing.

[TeresaL]

At least you haven't married, have several kids, and own a lot of expensive possessions. Like me though, you have brought in baggage which complicates this matter of instant transition. I wish you'd have started thinking transition before latching on to another party of interest.

You will never be able to ignore the very fact that you are transgender. No harmless blue pill exists to take it away. No therapist worthy of displaying their shingle and remaining in business will cure you. It is what it is, and you are struck and stuck with this for the rest of your life. But you are not doomed, and this is treatable.

You alone have an unfavorable task to either jettison your baggage, let go, or create a favorable hold for your baggage. It may only work out if you initiate the task, and do it soon. Your path only gets road blocked for as long as it takes to form a detour. Then you will find yourself right back on the path.

So find yourself, and mostly, find the peace you so direly need. It's up to you, my friend.

[melissaK]

Jennifer,

Welcome to the rock and a hard place relationship club. Whole lotta members here. This is a relationship issue and its thorny and diifcult. Loving a TS is kinda like the old song "Lemon flower very pretty, and the lemon flower is sweet, but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat." Few women have enouugh sugar in them to turn our fruit into lemonade.

I'm trying to help the 20 year love of my life across the chasm of transition (whatever my transition turns out to be). She started out 20 years ago like yours, sorta ok with cding, but was certain she'd be gone if I became a woman full time, surgery or not. But few of us really know if such declarations are hard and fast, or just cultural conditioning that we can overcome if we want to. Your GF will never know if her declarations are a core unchangeable belief, or the result of social conditioning that she can change if she wants to, unless you challenge them by actually starting some degree of transitioning.

This will sound sappy, but I and my wife began this journey more deeply in love with each other than Cupid himself can imagine, and we have patience and tenderness to spare for each other. But this journey has ripped my heart apart and I have to keep mending it. My wife is in the exact same place. We are still together, but really transition has only just begun. More soul searching tests of that love await us. But that is us. It is not you and your GF.

Over on Huffington POst, under the Trans news pages (might be under Gay Voices heading) you will find some recent op.ed.s that discuss a couple girls marriages through transition - one made it, one didn't.

Here on these boards are girls with the same gamet of stories. Some made it (Tracy) some didn't (Laurie Ann) some found new relationships after wards (Kaitlyn; Kathryn) Some put transition on time-out to stop the pain they were inflicting on a wife they dearly love (Chelsea).

And I think your post raises some questions abouut your relationship. No marriage? Who has the cold feet? And no kids? So the bonds between you are simpler. Marriages with kids create families that neither parent wasnts to destroy so theres a real motivation to get past all that you can get past for the sake of your off-spring.

A relationship counselor is aimed at reconcilliation, and that can sometimes run afowl of what a gender counselor goal is for you. Outside the gender counselor world few understand that TS issues are NOT FREE CHOICE. You can't erase them. You can't will them away. Only some degree of expressing your cross gender self and aceptance by others of your cross gendered self is going to put out that desire that you see escalating within you.

Its really all quite heart wrenchingly fun. The journey dragged me into examining my relationship with God (or the whatever) because I wondered how a creature can be created that can love another creature so completely and also be possessed of a trait that makes that love nearly impossible to be sustained. Its epically tragic, epically ironic. (We shoulda been a stanza in Allison Morrisette's "Ironic" song)

And BTW, I've been on HRT for 8 years, going off it is not negotiable for me. If you start, be prepared for that kind of feeling. And it wil lhave epic consequences in your life. Male sex will be nearly impossible as penis don't spring to life like you are used to, and when they do they are 1/2 what they used to be. Does she want kids? Do you? You can't have 'em when on HRT. Freeze sperm in a sprem bank?

And breasts. Your GF has to like seeing them on you during sex - they become impossible to hide.

And then, THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT - really, will you keep your sexual prefernce after some transition? Many many of us want men after transition. Think the old movie "Crying Game." And from accounts arount these baords and elsewhere, its not easy to know in advance where you will end up with sexual preferences going in. Some find them changing in ways they didn't admit to themselves would be possible before transition.

I've had a strong preference for women my whole life, and in fact a strong prefernce for Lesbian women. My second wife was a repressed lesbian. So my sexual preference seems pretty likely to stay the same. And just starting to be "out" to others I find my interests have no indication of changinng. But I'd never guarantee this.

Which brings up my last point - you will be tempted to make promises to your GF about the scope or nature of any palnned transition. DO NOT MAKE PROMISES. This board if filled with humbled girls who had to admit they made one or more promises they just couldn't keep in the end. And that means, your GF has to live with unknowns. And that sweetie is epically hard in itself. You end up having to "live in the now."

A very zen thing. If you are depressed you are living in the past, if you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. With no guarnatees about where you will end up, thoughts of the future is as anxiety producing as anything can be. Thus you and your GF will really have to focus on staying in the now. Some meditation classes would be helpful BEFORE you start this journey.

Well sweetie, this girl is done spent out of comments. About time I guess.
Lots of hugs though.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Don't make the mistake of living your life for others. Do what is right for YOU! Don't wake up years down the road regretting you did not act sooner like so many of us have.

[jennifer24]

Nikki, I do know that I do owe it to her to be honest with her, like I said for the most part I have been honest,she knows all about jenn, its just in the past year or two I have really been thinking more strongly about where I wanna be and not sharing that with her, been thinking alot about this the past few days and I think I am going to tell her and let the chips fall where they may, but 1st I set up an appointment with my therapist.


Jennifer,

Welcome to the rock and a hard place relationship club. Whole lotta members here. This is a relationship issue and its thorny and difficult. Loving a TS is kinda like the old song "Lemon flower very pretty, and the lemon flower is sweet, but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat." Few women have enough sugar in them to turn our fruit into lemonade.

Lots of good points Melissa, I think I understand the positives and negatives though about what will happen if I start.
To answer your question about kids no I don't want kids and she cant have any more anyway so that is a non issue.
Promises? aint gonna make them, just as always been my rule.

[pose007]

Hi, there is also a chance that your girlfriend loves you because you are 'different'. You never know, she might just be supportive. Tanya