abigailf
01-28-2013, 06:56 PM
Is being transsexual really all that different? Well, of course I think about this. Hell why wouldn't I, after all it’s my life. I am a transsexual and there is nothing in the world that could ever change that. The simple answer to the question is “not really.” Okay, so the first thing you may ask is “different than what?” Well, different than the living hell any non-trans person has to deal with in their lives. Everyone has their own personal hell, why should mine be any different?
196960
Let me start to explain by simplifying “Hell”. I will focus on a very specific example, so bare with me and suffer through the following narrative:
You are having lunch and get a sharp pain in your stomach. You take something for it and remember that you had a pain like it earlier in the week. You think about what you have been eating and decide to avoid the fatty greasy foods for awhile. It seems to help because you don’t have an issue for the next two weeks.
After the two weeks however you feel the pain again. You don’t really give it much thought, you medicate it, it goes away and you forget about it. The next day the pain comes back and you medicate it again and it goes away. The day after that it comes back and you think, “Wow is there something going on? This is three days in a row. What have I been eating?” You think about avoiding the fatty greasy foods and you remember you did the same thing a few weeks ago because you had some minor pains in your stomach.
You think about this for a bit and you wonder if you should go see a doctor. You ask a friend, spouse or what have you and they ask “how long you've had the pain?” You say “for a few days now.” You think about that response for a bit and then add “a couple of weeks ago too, but it went away.”
As you are discussing it, you start thinking how over a month ago you were feeling similar pains. You remember waking up one morning and having a pain in your stomach. It was not bad; actually it was more like a discomfort. You ignored it and went about your day. You didn't think about it until a few days later when you felt it again. You begin to recall that you felt the pain off and on for several weeks and that on several occasions it had you trapped in the bathroom for extended periods of time.
Recalling these other occurrences makes you realize that you may have a problem so you go see the doctor. The doctor tells you to go to the hospital because your gall bladder needs to be removed. You are stunned.
The narrative attempts to describe as briefly as possible the onset of a failing gall bladder. Okay so it is not much of a hell right? Well ask someone who went through it. It was a hell for them as they went through it. And had you gone through it then you may have considered it a possibility as you were reading the narrative. However, that is what is called hind sight vision, which is always 20/20. You were able to see it because you already knew what to look for. At the time you were experiencing it you had no clue and when you found out you didn't want to believe it. Once you accepted that fact, you did what you had to correct it. It was not a disease, but a condition, a medical condition.
So, do you see where I am going with this yet? Being transsexual is also a medical condition; at least that is what I am told and have read from experts. Many large health insurance companies recognize gender identity as valid medical condition and provide coverage for those things that help a transgender person bring their bodies in line with their mind and soul. To me however, whether it is a medical condition or not doesn't really matter. I found it to be a living hell and one that I had to learn to deal with.
The human body is an incredible biological super computer that is self repairing. When there is something wrong, it will try its best to fix itself. However some things are beyond its ability to repair and instead will send a signal to the outside that there is a problem; hoping somehow it will be heard. That was the case with the gall bladder in the form of various stomach pains. The same can be said in the case of a transsexual except instead of stomach pains you have feelings of a different sort. I considered how gender identity differed from the gall bladder problem but instead I discovered similarities, but with some very drastically different outcomes.
The narrative described the signals and how we as humans deal with the signal. As a transsexual, my stomach discomfort was the feeling that I was different. It was a feeling of not fitting in with the typical crowd as a boy. In the beginning I ignored it and it went away. I made myself fit in. However, it came back, just like the stomach pains did so I just continued to ignore it. However, ignoring it wasn't enough. The brain giving me the feeling that I was different was not being responded to so it stepped up the pressure; just like the gall bladder did when it wasn't being properly treated.
The person with the bad gall bladder, not knowing what it was, decided to treat it by relieving gas or changing a diet or even exercise. I solved the intense feelings of difference by fantasizing about, watching or just being with other girls. This worked, for awhile anyway. Soon the feelings come back even stronger, just as the stomach pains got worse.
So next you try medicating. My medication was experimenting with cross dressing. Oh how as a teen putting my first article of woman’s clothing made me feel; it was absolutely wonderful. It would feel good, so right and I knew I was cured. No such luck. It came back just like the pains. I changed some habits and characteristics about my life thinking that was causing the intense feelings. I dated girls, I met a girl, I stopped seeing old friends and started making new ones, I got married, I had kids, I built a career. All of these things I did convincing myself that there was no problem and every time it would be years before I felt the need to cross dress again.
But it came back worse; it always comes back, just like the pains.
I look back on my life today, the signs were all there; the feelings, the fantasies, the cross dressing, wearing a silky chemise to bed, manicures, pedicures shaving under the arms, growing out the hair. Yet, I did not know, nobody knew, not even my wife whom I slept next to wearing her silky chemise. We just thought I was being kinky. I am kinky, but wearing her chemise to bed; turns out that definitely was not me being kinky.
Just as the person with the gall bladder problem needed a doctor to tell them what the problem was, it took a professional to educate me as to what I was. I didn't want to believe it even then. I am sure anyone who finds out they have a condition that they don’t want to believe it. Can you think of a single instance in your life where you didn't want to believe there was a problem even though you are being told there is? I am sure you have. Just like you, I finally had to accept what was reality. It was the only way I was going to get through it in one piece.
I hope I was able to effectively explain how being transsexual is so similar to any other medical condition. However, like any other medical condition there are many differences. An appendix for example may have similar symptoms, but it is a completely different organ. Removing ones gall bladder will change how one’s body digests certain foods. Not necessarily so with the appendix. Losing your sight is another condition that results in drastically different results. It won’t affect what the body could eat, just what the food may look like. Well, being transsexual also has much different results.
The most basic of human need outside of food, clothing and shelter is relationships. The result of a life threatening condition could be death. That would be the worst thing right, or would it? In death you no longer need food, water and relationships and death does not destroy the relationships of those around you. In fact, it is more likely that bad relationships could be repaired as people tend to seek forgiveness from those who have died sooner than expected.
In contrast, being transsexual changes existing relationships. It changes them all, every one, not a single relationship is spared from this. I know some of you; my friends and family are reading this now thinking “well, not me. We still have a good relationship.” I love you all dearly and you are awesome, but as good as it is there are changes, subtle though they may be and not necessarily bad changes either. A relationship can be changed for the better and the worse but it remains that all relationships are affected by this medical condition.
Many transsexuals find that some of their relationships with people they care about do get destroyed. That is probably the single most devastating thing any person could ever have to deal with. In death, there is no more pain (except maybe by survivors), but in life, the loss of a relationship is just another level of suffering and it lasts for the rest of our lives until death releases us of the pain.
In my case I have been blessed to have wonderful group of friends and family. It is true that my relationships have pretty much all changed, but as of the writing of this, almost none have been completely destroyed. I have some transgender friends who have lost everybody in their life; they lost their jobs, their family and their friends – all of them. Their resolve amazes me that they have the will to keep on going. They are strong people to endure that and my heart and love go out to them. For those of you going through that know that you always have a friend in me.
The changes in my relationships were mostly minute. My family loves me still and we do much of the same stuff together we always have. I can say the same thing for many of my friends as well. However, with just about all of them, friends and family, I had noticed some subtle differences in attitudes and behaviors towards me. They are not necessarily bad behaviors either. For example, I have noticed that almost everyone is starting to treat me more like one of the girls. It is subtle for the most part, but it is there and I noticed. I see it in those from work, family and friends. To me it is a good change, but a change none the less.
I have experienced some significant changes in relationships as well. There are some relationships where several folks will now avoid me if they can and if they cannot they will only have a marginal conversation with me. This is okay with me. If you are not comfortable with me, then so be it. I’ll be here if you want to try again. My path is true. I have never felt better in all my life and I like the way I feel.
Have you ever been in a moment where everything just felt so perfect that you wanted that moment to last forever? Imagine being on a white sandy beach with a temperate sun shining through clear skies and reflecting off a sparkling blue ocean while drinking a pina colada and listening to waves breaking and seagulls cawing. Perhaps you like standing atop a mountain range overseeing a landscape of magnificent beauty that goes on forever with a cool breeze blowing through your hair and bringing the fragrant scents of distant trees along with it. Maybe it is walking down a cathedral aisle as beautiful as can be in a beautifully beaded white corset gown that sits off the shoulder and a train that drags several feet behind you as you approach the most handsome guy and the love of your life; or maybe you are that guy waiting on your future wife. Whatever your bliss, that is the feeling I feel almost every day since I accepted who I am and started to live my life.
Still, this wonderful feeling of bliss is not without cost and pain which I experience as well at times. This cost is one of the most devastating losses any person should ever have to endure. It is such a horrible loss that if it wasn't for being so balanced with myself and who I am I do not think I would be able to survive it. This loss I speak of is none other than the relationship with the one person that I poured my soul out to, the one person that had become part of me, that same person I spent 23 wonderful years with. Okay, the last few were maybe not so wonderful, but even still being with her was.
The relationship I had with my wife is gone; gone for good. It was completely destroyed in the wake of the tsunami that is my transitioning. Not a single pillar stands but rather just the crumbling foundation of what once was a marvelous and flourishing partnership. It is sad, but something I need to accept in order to move on with my life and continue to keep that blissful feeling.
The good news is it was a strong foundation; Italians are notoriously good for that. So it is possible to rebuild something back on top of it and we are trying. However, I realize now that what we build will never reach the glory that it once was. It may take a very long time, but perhaps it is even possible to close the structure in and we can be great friends.
Is being transsexual different? We are people with a problem that cannot be cured by simply altering our frame of mind. It has the same base characteristics as any other medical condition (not to be confused with a disease). It is a living hell for those that have to go through it. Finally, even after taking a corrective course, the repercussions of the condition and the solution are felt far and wide and last a lifetime. So, my vote, no, we are really not all that much different.
--
Thought of the day:
I recently read a post on Facebook “If something bad happens you have three choices; let it define you, let it destroy you or let it strengthen you.” In my case it did all three. It definitely defined who I am; it destroyed Tom and strengthened Tammy.
196960
Let me start to explain by simplifying “Hell”. I will focus on a very specific example, so bare with me and suffer through the following narrative:
You are having lunch and get a sharp pain in your stomach. You take something for it and remember that you had a pain like it earlier in the week. You think about what you have been eating and decide to avoid the fatty greasy foods for awhile. It seems to help because you don’t have an issue for the next two weeks.
After the two weeks however you feel the pain again. You don’t really give it much thought, you medicate it, it goes away and you forget about it. The next day the pain comes back and you medicate it again and it goes away. The day after that it comes back and you think, “Wow is there something going on? This is three days in a row. What have I been eating?” You think about avoiding the fatty greasy foods and you remember you did the same thing a few weeks ago because you had some minor pains in your stomach.
You think about this for a bit and you wonder if you should go see a doctor. You ask a friend, spouse or what have you and they ask “how long you've had the pain?” You say “for a few days now.” You think about that response for a bit and then add “a couple of weeks ago too, but it went away.”
As you are discussing it, you start thinking how over a month ago you were feeling similar pains. You remember waking up one morning and having a pain in your stomach. It was not bad; actually it was more like a discomfort. You ignored it and went about your day. You didn't think about it until a few days later when you felt it again. You begin to recall that you felt the pain off and on for several weeks and that on several occasions it had you trapped in the bathroom for extended periods of time.
Recalling these other occurrences makes you realize that you may have a problem so you go see the doctor. The doctor tells you to go to the hospital because your gall bladder needs to be removed. You are stunned.
The narrative attempts to describe as briefly as possible the onset of a failing gall bladder. Okay so it is not much of a hell right? Well ask someone who went through it. It was a hell for them as they went through it. And had you gone through it then you may have considered it a possibility as you were reading the narrative. However, that is what is called hind sight vision, which is always 20/20. You were able to see it because you already knew what to look for. At the time you were experiencing it you had no clue and when you found out you didn't want to believe it. Once you accepted that fact, you did what you had to correct it. It was not a disease, but a condition, a medical condition.
So, do you see where I am going with this yet? Being transsexual is also a medical condition; at least that is what I am told and have read from experts. Many large health insurance companies recognize gender identity as valid medical condition and provide coverage for those things that help a transgender person bring their bodies in line with their mind and soul. To me however, whether it is a medical condition or not doesn't really matter. I found it to be a living hell and one that I had to learn to deal with.
The human body is an incredible biological super computer that is self repairing. When there is something wrong, it will try its best to fix itself. However some things are beyond its ability to repair and instead will send a signal to the outside that there is a problem; hoping somehow it will be heard. That was the case with the gall bladder in the form of various stomach pains. The same can be said in the case of a transsexual except instead of stomach pains you have feelings of a different sort. I considered how gender identity differed from the gall bladder problem but instead I discovered similarities, but with some very drastically different outcomes.
The narrative described the signals and how we as humans deal with the signal. As a transsexual, my stomach discomfort was the feeling that I was different. It was a feeling of not fitting in with the typical crowd as a boy. In the beginning I ignored it and it went away. I made myself fit in. However, it came back, just like the stomach pains did so I just continued to ignore it. However, ignoring it wasn't enough. The brain giving me the feeling that I was different was not being responded to so it stepped up the pressure; just like the gall bladder did when it wasn't being properly treated.
The person with the bad gall bladder, not knowing what it was, decided to treat it by relieving gas or changing a diet or even exercise. I solved the intense feelings of difference by fantasizing about, watching or just being with other girls. This worked, for awhile anyway. Soon the feelings come back even stronger, just as the stomach pains got worse.
So next you try medicating. My medication was experimenting with cross dressing. Oh how as a teen putting my first article of woman’s clothing made me feel; it was absolutely wonderful. It would feel good, so right and I knew I was cured. No such luck. It came back just like the pains. I changed some habits and characteristics about my life thinking that was causing the intense feelings. I dated girls, I met a girl, I stopped seeing old friends and started making new ones, I got married, I had kids, I built a career. All of these things I did convincing myself that there was no problem and every time it would be years before I felt the need to cross dress again.
But it came back worse; it always comes back, just like the pains.
I look back on my life today, the signs were all there; the feelings, the fantasies, the cross dressing, wearing a silky chemise to bed, manicures, pedicures shaving under the arms, growing out the hair. Yet, I did not know, nobody knew, not even my wife whom I slept next to wearing her silky chemise. We just thought I was being kinky. I am kinky, but wearing her chemise to bed; turns out that definitely was not me being kinky.
Just as the person with the gall bladder problem needed a doctor to tell them what the problem was, it took a professional to educate me as to what I was. I didn't want to believe it even then. I am sure anyone who finds out they have a condition that they don’t want to believe it. Can you think of a single instance in your life where you didn't want to believe there was a problem even though you are being told there is? I am sure you have. Just like you, I finally had to accept what was reality. It was the only way I was going to get through it in one piece.
I hope I was able to effectively explain how being transsexual is so similar to any other medical condition. However, like any other medical condition there are many differences. An appendix for example may have similar symptoms, but it is a completely different organ. Removing ones gall bladder will change how one’s body digests certain foods. Not necessarily so with the appendix. Losing your sight is another condition that results in drastically different results. It won’t affect what the body could eat, just what the food may look like. Well, being transsexual also has much different results.
The most basic of human need outside of food, clothing and shelter is relationships. The result of a life threatening condition could be death. That would be the worst thing right, or would it? In death you no longer need food, water and relationships and death does not destroy the relationships of those around you. In fact, it is more likely that bad relationships could be repaired as people tend to seek forgiveness from those who have died sooner than expected.
In contrast, being transsexual changes existing relationships. It changes them all, every one, not a single relationship is spared from this. I know some of you; my friends and family are reading this now thinking “well, not me. We still have a good relationship.” I love you all dearly and you are awesome, but as good as it is there are changes, subtle though they may be and not necessarily bad changes either. A relationship can be changed for the better and the worse but it remains that all relationships are affected by this medical condition.
Many transsexuals find that some of their relationships with people they care about do get destroyed. That is probably the single most devastating thing any person could ever have to deal with. In death, there is no more pain (except maybe by survivors), but in life, the loss of a relationship is just another level of suffering and it lasts for the rest of our lives until death releases us of the pain.
In my case I have been blessed to have wonderful group of friends and family. It is true that my relationships have pretty much all changed, but as of the writing of this, almost none have been completely destroyed. I have some transgender friends who have lost everybody in their life; they lost their jobs, their family and their friends – all of them. Their resolve amazes me that they have the will to keep on going. They are strong people to endure that and my heart and love go out to them. For those of you going through that know that you always have a friend in me.
The changes in my relationships were mostly minute. My family loves me still and we do much of the same stuff together we always have. I can say the same thing for many of my friends as well. However, with just about all of them, friends and family, I had noticed some subtle differences in attitudes and behaviors towards me. They are not necessarily bad behaviors either. For example, I have noticed that almost everyone is starting to treat me more like one of the girls. It is subtle for the most part, but it is there and I noticed. I see it in those from work, family and friends. To me it is a good change, but a change none the less.
I have experienced some significant changes in relationships as well. There are some relationships where several folks will now avoid me if they can and if they cannot they will only have a marginal conversation with me. This is okay with me. If you are not comfortable with me, then so be it. I’ll be here if you want to try again. My path is true. I have never felt better in all my life and I like the way I feel.
Have you ever been in a moment where everything just felt so perfect that you wanted that moment to last forever? Imagine being on a white sandy beach with a temperate sun shining through clear skies and reflecting off a sparkling blue ocean while drinking a pina colada and listening to waves breaking and seagulls cawing. Perhaps you like standing atop a mountain range overseeing a landscape of magnificent beauty that goes on forever with a cool breeze blowing through your hair and bringing the fragrant scents of distant trees along with it. Maybe it is walking down a cathedral aisle as beautiful as can be in a beautifully beaded white corset gown that sits off the shoulder and a train that drags several feet behind you as you approach the most handsome guy and the love of your life; or maybe you are that guy waiting on your future wife. Whatever your bliss, that is the feeling I feel almost every day since I accepted who I am and started to live my life.
Still, this wonderful feeling of bliss is not without cost and pain which I experience as well at times. This cost is one of the most devastating losses any person should ever have to endure. It is such a horrible loss that if it wasn't for being so balanced with myself and who I am I do not think I would be able to survive it. This loss I speak of is none other than the relationship with the one person that I poured my soul out to, the one person that had become part of me, that same person I spent 23 wonderful years with. Okay, the last few were maybe not so wonderful, but even still being with her was.
The relationship I had with my wife is gone; gone for good. It was completely destroyed in the wake of the tsunami that is my transitioning. Not a single pillar stands but rather just the crumbling foundation of what once was a marvelous and flourishing partnership. It is sad, but something I need to accept in order to move on with my life and continue to keep that blissful feeling.
The good news is it was a strong foundation; Italians are notoriously good for that. So it is possible to rebuild something back on top of it and we are trying. However, I realize now that what we build will never reach the glory that it once was. It may take a very long time, but perhaps it is even possible to close the structure in and we can be great friends.
Is being transsexual different? We are people with a problem that cannot be cured by simply altering our frame of mind. It has the same base characteristics as any other medical condition (not to be confused with a disease). It is a living hell for those that have to go through it. Finally, even after taking a corrective course, the repercussions of the condition and the solution are felt far and wide and last a lifetime. So, my vote, no, we are really not all that much different.
--
Thought of the day:
I recently read a post on Facebook “If something bad happens you have three choices; let it define you, let it destroy you or let it strengthen you.” In my case it did all three. It definitely defined who I am; it destroyed Tom and strengthened Tammy.