Don't I work with you?

[PretzelGirl]

This one is a little different.

Last Friday I went to a group that is run by a couple who are therapists and it is an all encompassing group. It isn't a therapy group, but something they wanted to do to contribute to the community.

Anyway, there was a new person there and he was in drab (I will use he throughout since that is the mode I met him in and I don't know his preference). He was introduced, but chose not to talk yet, so I don't know how he identifies. But there was something familiar about him. It bugged me all evening, but I couldn't quite place him.

So this morning when I got to work I plugged his first name into the company directory and BAM, there he was, picture and all. I couldn't tell you why I recognized him as I don't recall working on anything with him, but I have a habit of trying to remember names and faces at work, so it is probably because of that.

Now the thought. I get around at my company and am far from low key. His job is one where he might go out and do a task in one area and when they is complete he moves on to a task in another area. It depends on his assignments. So although at this time we work in different buildings, there is certainly a chance of running into each other and if there is recognition, it could be an awkward moment. The company size is 2000+ at our location, so it could be soon or quite a ways off.

I know what I am leaning to on what to do, but I would be interested in hearing opinions in case there is something I haven't thought of. On one hand, someone could be happy to find someone else with common ground. On the other hand, someone could be nervous that they are getting outed at work.

So what would you do?

[DanaM64]

Firstly how often does the group meet? It might be beneficial to wait until the next get together and approach the situation there rather than the work environment.
Another point to consider is why the person was there, for themselve or in support of a friend...
If you're anxious though, the best way would be to approach after work, do a little detective work to find out what exit is used.
Stay away from using the work email address, firstly it is kept on the server as well as backups and most importantly the company has the right to monitor!

Good luck, chances are 'he' might even be on this site? :)

[lingerieLiz]

Don't do anything. He may feel as uncomfortable about your knowing him as you are. Time may be on your side. Or he may never mention it. I encountered one of my emplyees away from work. As I bent down I'm sure he spotted my bra as the front of my shirt opened up. He never mentioned it.

[Kathi Lake]

That's a bit of a toughie. I would wait until he 'shows his colors' so to speak. It's kind of hard to judge which way he'll behave if you don't know how he'll behave, right?

Kathi

[Jenniferathome]

I would not approach someone if I were in your pumps. However, if you cross paths in girl mode, at some meeting, then it is likely better to get that out in the open and behind you. Odd situation. You can't go wrong by saying nothing.

[Ozark]

in the early 1990s I was in group therapy (Enough of this about talk about me, let's talk about you: Do you like my shirt?). One week the shrink told us a new member would be joining the group the next week.

The next week arrives and the new member was my accountant.

Ah jeez.

I dq'ed him and shortly thereafter I left the group.

I'm doing much better now, thank you. ;)

[Annette Anderson]

He was introduced, but chose not to talk yet

This makes me think he is still maybe not ready?.It would be nice later on if you could hook up though

[Bree Wagner]

Sue,

At the group I go to they "Read the Riot Act" (otherwise known as the rules) whenever there is someone new there. Included in that is a bit about not approaching someone you recognize from the group outside of the group without their explicit permission because you never know what their circumstances are.

I tend to think that's a pretty good guideline. I'm of the opinion that the place to approach this person is at the group if they are there again but otherwise just walk on by at work. A "Did I see you at a certain place?" could go just about anywhere but I'd bet on an awkward to negative reaction.

Good luck,
Bree

[AmyGaleRT]

Sue, I'd steer clear of mentioning anything about this at work at all. That includes corporate E-mail, IM, or just encountering him randomly in the hallway. (From your profile pic, you have a good femme presentation. You might have recognized him, but it's possible he wouldn't recognize you.)

If you interact with him on this, it should be strictly through the group. Don't mention your possible work connection, though, just talk to him as if he were another new group member you're breaking the ice with. (Substitute pronouns as needed if she shows up en femme next time.)

And even if you do establish each other's bona fides, keep CD-related communication off the company network. That's just elementary caution.

- Amy

[Kimberly Renee]

Sue,
3 questions -
Would he recognize you outside of the group?
At work, are you a supervisor-type who has "authority" over his position?
Are you "out" at work or "closeted"?

This might be a "nip it in the bud" situation. Let him know you have no intention of "outing" him at work or anywhere else. It might be that he did recognize you at the group and is now scared. This is probably best handled at the group meeting with a third person as a mediator (one-on-one might be too awkward), but if he doesn't come back you might reach out to him.

[Alice B]

Sue, While I know nothing about your company, the fact that he was in attendance at your meeting seems a perfect time to approach him, introduce yourself and let him know that you thought it was great that he attended the meeting and that you understand his situation and can keep a secret and can be his friend.

[nvlady]

I found out about somebody through the girl that did my makeup once. She told me to please not say anything and my reply was that I couldn't say anything.
Me"That guy crossdresses."
Friend "How do you know?"
Me "The girl that did my makeup told me."
BTW, I am deep in the closet.

[Beverley Sims]

If he approaches you, too easy.
Otherwise, only at a group meeting if the situation is right.
You may see him dressed sometime and then you will at least know.
Better let sleeping dogs lie.

[Rogina B]

If you aren't working as a woman,then how would someone like that ever recognize you from being at a meeting like that? If you are,then say nothing.What goes on at those groups usually stays there.

[Wendy_Marie]

Sue, your a smart chickie...and I would bet you already know deep down what you want to do. If it were me, I would probably wait until the next meeting and if "he" showed then consider bringing it up.....sort of a "You show me yours, i'll show you mine scenario.

[michelleddg]

I agree with those who think it's moot. Long odds he didn't recognize you dolled up. I personally would not care to jeopardize my career situation by coming out to an unknown quantity at work. Many ways to skin a cat, of course, but I choose to keep my Michelle World and my Fred World separate...Hugs, Michelle

[Sara Jessica]

If you aren't working as a woman,then how would someone like that ever recognize you from being at a meeting like that? If you are,then say nothing.What goes on at those groups usually stays there.


I agree with those who think it's moot. Long odds he didn't recognize you dolled up. I personally would not care to jeopardize my career situation by coming out to an unknown quantity at work. Many ways to skin a cat, of course, but I choose to keep my Michelle World and my Fred World separate...Hugs, Michelle

I disagree that Sue was unlikely to be recognized. Sue presents with her real hair which eliminates the anonymity that a wig helps to provide. However, the difference is that her organization is 2000+ and there is a legitimate probability that this other person hasn't encountered Sue enough to put two & two together.

That said, Sue, it's certainly a tough call. I'd lean towards seeing if he returns to the meeting before any further disclosure.

[Annaliese]

Who knows the person may be reading this post now, but I think many are right keep it at the meeting, let him get comfortable at the meeting, don't want to run him off before he can get the help he need or wants.

[Sarasometimes]

I know this bit of advice is after the horse ran away but this is why I don't do group CDing.

[Veronnie2]

Sue, I would do nothing at this time. As usual, at work, I always under-dress due to the nature of my job. I was partially outed by a male co-worker who had placed his hand on my back and felt my bra. His hand lingered as apparently he was feeling the bra clasp. He never said anything to me or to anyone else that I work with. Silence was my best strategy, and I would still do my sessions with the therapists. You may end up with a better insight to why he was there at the session. Veronnie2

[Barbra P]

Last Friday I went to a group that is run by a couple who are therapists and it is an all encompassing group. It isn't a therapy group, but something they wanted to do to contribute to the community.

Anyway, there was a new person there and he was in drab (I will use he throughout since that is the mode I met him in and I don't know his preference). He was introduced, but chose not to talk yet, so I don't know how he identifies. . . .
Some clarification would be in order. Just exactly what is an “all encompassing group”, does that mean people could attend this group for reasons other than gender related issues? Might someone attend who is having marital issues, or stress related issues, or difficulty dealing with their teenage son or daughter, or any number of other issues? Since you mentioned he was in drab I’m going to assume you were dressed en femme.

This man works in a different area, in a company with 2000+ employees, he and Sue haven’t worked together, and he was probably a bit nervous apprehensive about attending his first meeting. I think it would be a long shot if this man recognized Sue as someone who worked at the same company he works. Even if he looked around to see if any of the other members looked familiar I doubt that he would make the connection.

If this group is not strictly transgender orientated then Sue won’t know until this man opens up why he came to the meeting. He may have no fear of being outed. There is no way to assess this man’s thoughts about outing Sue if and when he puts two and two together, something that becomes more likely if both he and Sue remain with the group.

[Genifer Teal]

I worked with someone for 10 years and just before they retired, I met them at a TG gathering and commented how they reminded me of someone I work with. I never actually thought it could be them, but it was. We are great friends now. I can't believe we worked together on many instances and (he) knew for 8 years of me but never mentioned. (he) was extra nice and helpful but (he) is that way anyway. Glad we are friends now. FWIW our company is local to one area and we have over 6000 employees. I would have loved to know on all those occasions we worked side by side. This just goes to show how everyone is different. While I would have loved it, (he) preferred to keep it to (himself).

[Andy66]

My opinion, if you recognized him and you are well known at the company, there is at least as much chance that he recognized you, as you recognized him. Some people are better with faces than others though. Sounds like he was very nervous, you might want to take it slow. And lastly, mixing work and off work life almost always comes back to bite you in the butt. He could be a great friend and ally, IF he understands the value of discretion.

[Rhonda Darling]

I agree with those who think it's moot. Long odds he didn't recognize you dolled up. I personally would not care to jeopardize my career situation by coming out to an unknown quantity at work. Many ways to skin a cat, of course, but I choose to keep my Michelle World and my Fred World separate...Hugs, Michelle

FRED? Fred? Is that really you? If that happened to me in Rhonda mode I'd die. I would say nothing until you've seen the person at a few meetings and talked to him/her at those meetings. Only then would I give a hint of where I worked and see if he/she catches on and advances the conversation. (Sorry to use split pronouns, but you were indefinite about how the person presented and what type of meeting it was. Also, as someone pointed out, a cardinal rule of most meetings is what goes on or is said stays private. Don't break the code!)

Rhonda

[Tara D. Rose]

I can't add too much more other than to reaffirm what has already been said. So I will just let my post here just be more like a vote. I wouldn't approach (him) at work at all. It would be breaking the unspoken code of ethics, even if your group hasn't specifies that. I would wait until you ever saw (him) back at the meeting. If the one you saw him at was his first and if or when he shows up again, you will know that he is now more comfortable. If a conversation does ensue at the meeting, wait for a while after other conversations, and then, say, hey, do I know you, and then take it from there. But reassure him, that what is said there, stays there. Talk about the ethics.
Tara

[PretzelGirl]

I will avoid quoting as it would make for a very long email. So let's see what I can clarify and comment on. I really appreciate the comments and I am in no rush and just hope for no recognition at work on his part. If this happens, then time is my friend and that is the best way to work it.

First the group itself. I was probably too vague but what I meant by all encompassing was a TG/CD/TS group. It is more TS slanted, but has a little of everything including all of the FTM men that I personally know in my area. So a fair mix. His attending puts him in there somewhere, even though he was presenting en homme. It is common for the therapists to have a new person see them and ask them to come by the group. The group is given the pledge of secrecy. While that should always be assumed to me, it is emphasized here. The group meets once a month, so if he is engaged enough, I will see him next month.

As far as work goes, I always keep everything away from work. The only way this issue and work end up in the same sentence is if he recognizes me and I have to diffuse things before getting outed. I am not his supervisor and am in a completely different business group. But our groups interact and part of my job is coordinating those kinds of interactions for my product, so that is where I get some of my visibility. I am not out at work, but like others, I probably "bleed" some clues. I am not worried about getting outed causing me to lose my job as we have a great company and a good sign is that two people transitioned on the job. But I also don't have to test every theory I have, do I? :D

While I agree with Sara that having long hair puts you in a position of not creating as much of a difference between homme and femme modes, I believe in this case I have a couple of things in my favor. My hair is always up in guy mode and down in girl mode. I was wearing glasses that night and I don't wear them at work except at my computer. I didn't pay him complete attention, but he looked pretty nervous so he probably wasn't paying attention to anyone in the room. Then again, there aren't many ponytailed, earring wearing men running around work that are well known. So you never know.

After more thought, I do believe I recognize him from him work from a project in my work area last summer. So he could have seen me then, but everyone is different and some people remember names and faces like I tend to do and some don't.

Interesting comments that compare not saying anything so he doesn't get nervous that someone at work knows and then a comment that says if he recognized me, he could be real nervous. Shows that you can see issues from either perspective.

Now that many comments are out, here is where I was leaning. First I agree with many that the group is the only place to approach this. But I was thinking of an extra step of pulling aside the therapist he was seeing and asking their opinion. I don't think it would violate anything but I would acknowledge that no answer is possible to avoid a conflict. The therapist would have a good feeling if he needs to reach out or needs extreme privacy.

An aside for SaraSometimes, I go to the meetings for the social aspect. I am not at all concerned if he does recognize me. The only worry is the recognition happening at work, otherwise it is an opportunity to make another friend to me.

Okay, one exception on quotes.


From your profile pic, you have a good femme presentation.

I always have to acknowledge these. Thank you!

[Diversity]

If 'he' is approachable and friendly, perhaps the best thing to do is to choose an appropriate time when no one else is around and just ask him if he was at the group meeting the other night, as you thought you recognized him. Do this only if you are not concerned about him or anyone else knowing you attended the group. This could lead to a nice conversation and move the anxiety out of the way, or he could say he wasn't the one you thought you saw, and now he knows you were there (if he did not already know).
These are obvious answers, but were it me, I'd ask him.
Good luck!
Di