Almost had the talk today.

[Jenara]

I know I'm getting closer in my resolve to tell her, I'm just not quite there yet.

It was our son's birthday last week and it's her birthday Thursday. I guess I just didn't want to take anything away from their moments.

At one point today she actually asked what was on my mind. I'm kicking myself for not breaking the ice then and there.

I guess I'm still scared of what this could do. I'm convinced she is one of the most loving compassionate persons I've ever met and she's madly in love with me. I'm afraid of losing her.

[RenneB]

I wish there was a way to ask the question and depending on how she reacts, you can retract the question... From what I hear, it's pretty much an all or nothing event. I'm pretty sure that my SO would lauch the D word and them I'm in some cheap apt with nothing to my name....

You'll hear from a lot of others that honesty is the best policy, but I'm in the DADT camp.... but knowing full well that it's not a matter of if she finds out but when she finds out.... kindof like a procrastinistic realist if there is such a term...

Renne....

[Jenniferathome]

I'm convinced she is one of the most loving compassionate persons I've ever met and she's madly in love with me. I'm afraid of losing her.

You are on solid ground then. Don't take this lightly but a strong foundation will get you past this point. Things will be different afterwards. Good luck.

[Jenara]

If it was just bra wearing I wanted to do that'd be one thing, but I also want to get some breast forms. That's kind of another level.

[Jenniferathome]

.... but knowing full well that it's not a matter of if she finds out but when she finds out....

Renne....

Renne, this is always on my mind when I recommend "tell her." It is inevitable, in my mind. Women notice the smallest things. After I told my wife, she said she always had some weird feeling as her stuff was always "different" when she would return from a trip. Better to tell on your terms than defend on hers.

[Jenniferathome]

Jen, it will all be so weird to her that I don't think she'll be carving up the activities. It's ALL outside her experience. Those discussions come over time. I wouldn't get in to the details like that when you tell her. Answer her question if asked, but "presenting as a woman" kind of covers it.

[Barbara Ella]

Jenara, only you can know when or even if you should tell your wife. Do not do it during a celebratory time. Read the threads here for assistance and some helpful giudance. Do it when it can be just you two. Have educational material ready. It is the scariest and most uncertain moment in your life, but the outcome, if bad would be the same if she found out later, but if the reaction is good now, it could be bad if she felt lied to later.

I wish you well. I came out, and while not great, better than hiding.

Barbara

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Jenara, I was scared to death too. You'll know when the urge to be honest and be yourself outweighs the risks to your marriage. I was one of the lucky ones; she accepted it but set limits shortly thereafter. You can read my earliest posts if you'd like to see how it played out. Good luck!

[Beverley Sims]

Sonds silly but talk to her when the time feels right, and that is not at a celebration or out to dinner somewhere.
Usually some quiet time at home, and break it gently, no I do not know how, I have never had to do it.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Renne, this is always on my mind when I recommend "tell her." It is inevitable, in my mind. Women notice the smallest things. After I told my wife, she said she always had some weird feeling as her stuff was always "different" when she would return from a trip. Better to tell on your terms than defend on hers.

I usually agree with your advice Jennifer but I need to give a different perspective on this one to provide a degree of balance.

My wife is also one of the "most loving compassionate persons I've ever met and she's madly in love with me". After much soul searching and discussions with my psychologist, I had a talk about 6 months ago which was short and ended very badly. CDing was abhorrent to her. She couldn't live with me but couldn't live without me. So she contemplated suicide. She wouldn't consider a DADT. My wife is nearly 60 and your wife may have quite a different midset.

Again after a good deal of thought I continued dressing in private. Yes a risk but a necessity to protect and preserve our strong loving relationship, and to fulfil my need. I have an inkling that she might suspect that I dress if she wanted to stop and think but she protects herself and our relationship by denial.

I applaud the sentiment of open and honest communication, and a supportive wife is such a terrific outcome for a CD. Just be aware that many have had the talk and life isn't the same again. I'm fortunate that we are still happily married.

My thoughts are with you.

[Jenniferathome]

I usually agree with your advice Jennifer but ....

Michelle, you are right, everyone does not always ride a unicorn over the rainbow after such a discussion. This is a BIG deal. One must be prepared. Ultimatley, as I have written time and again, the pain of not telling outweighs the pain of telling.

[kimdl93]

If you're afraid of losing her, then this is a matter of risk management. There's a risk in being honest, even if you honestly don't know exactly 'what' you are or 'where' this all may lead. There's an arguably greater risk in hiding and lying. There's an arguably greater risk to your marriage if you feel repressed and guilty about the deceit. And there's a risk to your marriage if one day, despite all your best duplicity, she stumbles upon the evidence. So weigh your risks and trust in your wife.

[Jodi Anne]

I wish you well, It is weighing heavy on your heart and you need peace of mind.

[Jenara]

I wish you well, It is weighing heavy on your heart and you need peace of mind.

It really is. Luckily her birthday is tomorrow so perhaps Friday night if I am bold enough.

[renaej7]

I know how you feel...all too well. Definitely take it slow and try to talk. Sometimes sprining things on someone puts them on defense and make them not want to actively listen. I am cheering for you because it is not easy...but sometimes suprises backfire. Take it slow and open dialogue. :)

[Ceri Anne]

Best wishes for you Jenara. I'm in the same boat you are, and understand the feelings and risks envolved. I have brought up side stories trying to gauge her feelings on the issue, and unfortunatly have missed a couple good opertunities to discuss and possibly come clean in the past. Definently do not do it near a special occasion, after lovemaking etc. You want it to stand on its own, and not tarnish something else. Your in my thoughts.