i finally told her

[Xrys]

At long last, I worked up the courage and told my mother that i want to be a woman. we talked for some time. it went better than i expected, but she is still a long way from being supportive and accepting. She is a verry traditional christian, and we have had many one sided conversations about my own religious beliefs. She continues to tell me how the things in my life are not of God, and how i am being decieved by the Devil into a life of sin. I love her dearly, and she is one of the most important people in my life. I fell guilty about the pain I am causing her, but i want her to continue to be part of my life. I wish i could get her to understand, but she flat out refuses to accept anything thad dosent fit her own view of the world. I just cant take causeing her this pain, or the pain her words cause me. I cant bear the thought of cutting out our relatuonship completely. Neither can i continue on with my life as I am now. how do i get her to understand? how do i get her to realize the truth of what is really going on?

[Ann Louise]

Xrys, you are not the one causing her pain. Only she has the power to do that to herself. I would suggest that you always speak the compassionate truth with her. Don't take her disappointment personally, for I'd bet she feels like she's done something wrong. Let her know that's not the case! You are a healthy, strong young woman inside, so let her experience that side of you. Always do your best, and be your own best friend. Smile inside (I know that's probably hard to imagine right now), for you are being true to yourself. A gender counselor could prove of great value to you to help you clarify your thoughts (as opposed to those of others), and help you choose among the paths before you.

[KellyJameson]

Try to avoid conversations where religion enters into your talks about transitioning because it is almost impossible to argue against this unless you are very skilled in your biblical knowledge and still what you say will be twisted.

Think about all those who have done evil who say they are "good" and belong to religion.

You will do more "good" in this world by being fulfilled as a human being than spending your life on your knees praying and being miserable.

Never justify your existence to others. You give away your power to them when you do this.

Your mother may feel guilt because she thinks she "caused this"

If you are having conflict with her you may want to ask her straight out if she blames herself. Watch her reaction and if she gets angry than it is very possible that is what is happening.

Many times people fight us to serve their own interests but say they are only thinking of "us"

Sometimes they do care about us but other times they are running from what they do not want to face themselves.

Your mother may be worried about social embarrassment to herself, particularly if she is religious.

[FurPus63]

Hi Xrys,
Lots of thoughts on this topic. I wish I could talk to you in person or at least on the phone. It's so much easier. I can't write everything I want to say. the main thing is to live your life as a woman. To be your true self. Don't let others convince you otherwise. Since beginning my transition, I've taken a lot of heat from family members who don't like and/or can't accept what I'm doing. That's an expected part of this whole process. Believing we're going to do this and keep all of our friends and family is a deceptive trick of the mind. The reality is we will lose some. But we also will gain many others. Many who can be a substititue mother, brother, sister, etc...

I know that doesn't sound like what you want to hear right now, but it is the truth. Of course if you live your life as a woman and this makes you happy and joyful your behaviors and new attitude towards life will convince others. That's what happened to me, and I think it's true for everyone. Just be the kind, loving, compassionate person who you are and present your true feminine self and others will eventually get on board. Acceptance of others, especially a parent, is important; but life can go on without them. What can't happen is for you to remain miserable living a lie as a man!

Think and pray about it. You may write me privately if you wish. God will be with you. I'm sure of it!

Paulette

[Jennifer Marie P.]

You should be glad you told your mother.Give her space it will come .

[Sandra1746]

Probably not the best word but I can't think of a better one right now. Your mother could be a "ringer" for mine and as hard as it will be you will have to make space between you and her and 'agree' not to discuss TG/TS issues. Maybe over time she will see how important it is to you but it will be slow. BTW, my mother is long gone so I can't discuss how the "change in attitude" might develop.

Best wishes,
Sandra1746

[LeaP]

... how do i get her to understand? how do i get her to realize the truth of what is really going on?

She can't understand, really.

The truth of it will only become apparent as you move down the path. She may or may not accept it (and you), but it will bring home the reality.

And it will take time.

[Beverley Sims]

Kelly Jameson gave you one important bit of advice and that concerned religion.
Stay off the subject, and probably say little more to your mother until she asks you further questions.
If they are religious based which they may well be, do not argue but reply in a way that does not encompass religion.
Other than that reply factually and without embellishment.
In time your mother's views may soften and you can then have meaningful conversations.
Yes, you do have to get guidance from someone and I would recommend, not from a religious base.

[Maryanne_sa]

Most of us, I am sure are very sensitive to the pain that being what are causes to our loved ones. Many of us, for this reason hold off telling them for far too long, to the detriment of our own mental health and happiness. I personally only dealt with it very late in life, but even at this late stage, I am much happier now living as a woman than I ever was as a man.

I think it is wonderful that you have told your mother and are dealing with your transexuality at a young age. Your will be far happier in the long run.

Try to get your mother to understand the pain that you feel, being a woman, stuck in a man’s body. She is not the only one feeling pain. Try to make her understand how much happier you are dressing and living as a women.

[Inna]

Ask the universe to show your mother wisdom of truth, but do not preach to her same doctrinal ways she seems to preach to you. We can not change people unless they want the change first. Tell her you love her unconditionally, just as she is, despite her fundamentalism, and that you are committed to living the rest of your life in truth and that truth is unique to each one of us and it resides in our hearts. Tell her to search such truth within her own heart and listen to the wisdom it whispers.

All my love hon, Inna

[Verysassy]

Thats great that you told her, Tell her you are a EUNUCH, there are 3 definitions for a EUNUCH, 1. born that way, 2. made that way by Men and 3. others have Renounced marrage, TGs are EUNUCH by Birth. EUNUCHs means OTHERS- 3rd Sex Person

[Aimee20]

I don't know if the eunuch route is the best direction to go.... I'm assuming that Xrys' goals and internal feelings are to be female. To me being given that label is insulting.

Xrys, congratulations on taking on heart wrenching and difficult step in your journey.

[Xrys]

thank you all for your kind and heart felt words. mom and i have talked again about it and in a much more calm and understanding manor. it took her a while to get over the initial shock of the announcment, as i was much better at keeping this from her than i had thought. she is tryingg to help. i know heart is right, even though her head may not be. she got me a book for " young men with unwanted homosexual feelings". While completely unrelated, it has been none the less an interesting read of an autobiography by a man "cured" of homosexual feelings. i hope she will turn this energy to doing research on what is going on. reguardless, i am not going to let this bump in the road stop me. like any other obstacle, i shal adapt and overcome. i am looking for a therapist now that my finances have straitened out, and so is she. i am done being a slave to her expectations for me. in the words of Lincoln Park, "all i want to do is be more like me, and be less like you."

thank you all again,

Xrys

[CharleneT]

.... time .....

[Rogina B]

There is a posting I made in the Media Section with the directions on how to get to a discussion that may help you with your mother.Or better yet,bring her to watch it with you!

[LeaP]

There is a posting I made in the Media Section with the directions on how to get to a discussion that may help you with your mother.Or better yet,bring her to watch it with you!

With all due respect to the artist and the video, which is excellent, this has nothing to do with gender. In addition, it poses a few problems for a transsexual using it as you suggest. The first question that is invariably asked when someone raises transsexualism is "are you gay?" And you suggest watching a video called the fifty shades of gay? Second, It takes the viewer down the spectrum route. That's appropriate for sexuality. It's appropriate for gender queer people. Transsexuals? Not so appropriate. One of the messages of the video is that everyone is okay. One of the things transsexuals has to get across to others is that, in at least one major respect (body), things are seriously not okay.

The video conveys messages of tolerance, respect, commonality, et cetera. All good in their own right. But this is not the best of videos to use to promote a discussion with a loved one regarding transsexualism.