Transgender issues and Kids

[Ashley_ept]

:nailbiting::nailbiting::nailbiting:I have a tough question, when is it the right time to tell your kids you are nt happy being the sex you where born? I have been struggling with this issue for a few years now, and now that baby girl is old enough to know that dad has women's cloths in his closet, I have been searching for the best time to try and tackle this issue.
I have been thinking to myself that I am going to wait till she is in her pre-pre-pubescent stages, when she is starting to understand sexuality. I want to go slow, since I am kind of scared from the face that this side of me ended my marriage with baby girls mom.
I know that their is really now right answer, but I would appreciate the feedback....
:nailbiting:

[Jorja]

Well, I think this depends a lot on you. Are you a crossdresser or are you a transsexual? If you are just crossdressing then I feel you should keep it from the kids. God knows they will have enough problems and pressures without Dad dressing up like a woman. There will be ample time for you to dress while the kids are in school and attending all of the other activities they enjoy.
If you are a TS and are planning transition, then you should get on with transition and start being who you really are. As crazy as it sounds, the majority of kids will accept it and not really have any problem with it, if it is a 24/7 thing in their life.

[Ashley_ept]

You do not think that my daughter being 6 wont react adversely effected? I never had a father figure in my life, and I want her to have it for a while in the male form of the word. I know that she will always love me , just do not want her to be feeling like she is missing something.

I feel as though my daughter is the biggest reason that I have not proceeded with HRT and the eventual transformation. At first it was because of my fear that I would have my visitation taken, but after further research, I know that I would be able to keep them. now the nly thing that I have holding me back is how she would take it. She is incredible smart, and I know that she will understand but when is the right time has been the next barrier.

[Rogina B]

Everyone's home situation is different.Kids take their cue from their mother[if she is there].If Mom is cool with whatever,they usually are.You said you don't have that situation. Best you keep being her Dad for a while longer. I will say that my daughter[only child,now 11] has known since she was 5 that Dad is Dad,no matter how dressed.I am happy to be able to live that way,and we have interesting talks about all of it now that she is older. Every family operates differently.

[Rachel Mari]

I faced this same situation except my children are older (35, 17 & 12). I started feeling that they should know what's going on with me and I didn't want to lie/hide to/from them. From what I've read elsewhere, the younger they are when you tell them, the easier it is for them to accept it (like it's not that big of a deal).

When I first told my wife (May 2011) that I wanted to talk to them about this, she was very angry and upset about it because she felt it would cause hardships for them. So... I didn't tell them yet. I too was worried about telling them because once said, you can't unsay it. I wanted to go about in the right way.

I waited until my wife and I went to a counselor who had experience with just this sort of thing (I got her name from my therapist) as much to ease my fears as much as my wife's. What she told us was, as long as the home is stable (for them), that they feel safe, your love for them won't change and you'll continue to love them, they should be ok. They would rather know the truth instead of being lied to.

35 yo son took it very well. He told me he'd love me either way. He did ask if I liked guys now, lol. His wife was very supportive too.
17 yo son said he suspected as much for about the last year. He seems to be ok with it and doesn't treat me any differently, except he does seem smile more often now.
12 yo daughter had lots of questions, which I tried to answer and explain as much as possible to put her at ease and be the most truthfull at the same time.

Eventually, some time this year, my wife and I will be getting a divorce and all the kids know about that too. She and I still get along just fine and the kids welfare are upmost in my minds, so we're trying to keep the household as stable as possible.

I understand your daughter is much younger than mine so the comparison is a bit off, but I thought it might help you.

I wish you the best.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It's a highly personal thing. If your child knows that she is loved and that she can trust you totally, then you both should be fine whatever you decide. Children need to be confident in their parents. I don't think the gender of the parent matters so much. There are just so many different kinds of families today

[Kate T]

You do not think that my daughter being 6 wont react adversely effected? I never had a father figure in my life, and I want her to have it for a while in the male form of the word. I know that she will always love me , just do not want her to be feeling like she is missing something.

I'm CD so maybe mine is not the response you are after BUT I am an only child of a single parent (mother). Did I miss having a father? Nup, not really. I had plenty of father figures (uncles, grandfather, older male cousins). As others have said the most critical element is you let them know you love them no matter what.

[Aprilrain]

My kids are 2, 6, and 14 all boys. They were the last to "know" in my family. My 14 year old accidentally found my facebook page and asked his mother about it she explained the situation. The other two I just started being around them in increasingly feminine attire, they didn't say much. For a while my 6 year old still called me dad and he but now he calls me April and she. The 2 year old has been calling me April since he started talking, he's never really known me any other way. I think the younger they are the better.

[KellyJameson]

You are not abandoning your children and they are already having a relationship with you so "you" are not changing just what they see on the outside is.

The one concern would be the stress of transitioning combined with parenting, that to me is unimaginable and I wonder how people are able to do it. They are definitely stronger than I am.

They will need to be educated on the subject but young children are usually accepting of change as long as they feel loved, accepted and safe.

If "not transitioning" is placing a heavy psychological burden on you it will than negatively impact your parenting so by transitioning you will actually be in a position to be a better parent because than you will be fully available to them.

[kellycan27]

We adopted after I transitioned... All they will ever need to know is that they have a mommy and daddy that love and will care for them.

[silverfurret]

Children can be very good with gender. Here is some anecdotal evidence (the best kind of evidence obviously).

I was over at my aunts for last christmas (I'm not out with anyone in my family at this point and hadn't started hormones which I'm starting really soon) and my cousin is having a girls only tea party and I was helping her set up. My cousin is about 3 years old and absolutely adorable. So I sit down with her and the tea party starts with just her and I. as it progresses my other aunt and her boyfriend come in the room, my cousin tells my other aunt (not her mom) that she can stay but her boyfriend will have to leave. After they both leave I get really curious and I ask my cousin why I'm allowed to stay. She never answered anytime I asked her, she would just look at me and smile.

Now I may be looking into it too much but it was really vindicating to me

[missmars]

Thats why M2F lesbian gives up transitioning.

[silverfurret]

Thats why M2F lesbian gives up transitioning.

That's not true, for those who are mtf and lesbian, they want to be women and make love to women as women. Many stay in in transition as the physical surgery is extremely expensive and must be done all at once.

[Ashley_ept]

Thank you for all the support you all have offered. I have beent hinking about all of it over the weekend. My daughter and I have a very close relationship, I am very scared to lose that. I think me being open with her, will be the best! maybe not a first, but for sure in the long run.
Espically if I plan on maintaining my "openness" policy that I have always maintained with her....

Side note, Baby girl was calling me mom all weekend. I know that is because she is with her more, but I did not have a problem with it, I actually really liked it.... made me feel as though I have hope for the future.:daydreaming:

[Kerstin]

My take on it is that unless you are a transsexual who is intending to transition then they don't need to know.

Sometimes our desire to tell loved ones comes from a place of wanting to maintain openness and honesty; we don't like to hide things from people we love. But I also think it can come from a place of wanting to offload our secret onto others to reduce the psychological burden on ourselves, which is a selfish motive.

But, I agree with others when they say that the younger they are, the easier they will accept it. You get enough angst on your plate as a teenager without having to deal with being told your dad is really a woman :heehee: