My Soap Opera, Part 2 1/2

[TGMarla]

Well, I know very little, but I know a few things. I know that she has read that 5-page letter I wrote her. And I know what she did with it. She shredded it. On a whim, I looked in the paper shredder, and I found the remants of that letter. I have to assume she took this action because of the very sensitive nature of it's contents. If it were to fall into other hands by accident, it would be potentially very embarrassing.

But then, she's not exactly referring back to it in an effort to sort out her thoughts, either. And although she has been very pleasant with me, she has not said a word to me.....not one word.....about that letter.

So now what?

[Sarahgurl371]

Marla,
I know how you must feel, and if you are anything like me, your mind may begin to read into her shredding the letter. Don't let it wander. Don't assume anything from her actions. Could be as simple as you stated about just getting rid of it just in case.

My mind usually beats me before anybody else has the opportunity to. Just be patient. This comming from someone who has none. Just wait a little bit. and formulate your response. Good luck.

[melissacd]

Marla,

So now that she has read and shredded the letter, for reasons you do not yet know, it is my humble opinion that you need to initiate a dialog with her to get her feedback on the letter, to answer any questions she has, to gauge her feelings, to see where she wants to take things from here.

Personally I have been waiting to have my own such dialog for 8 years and she has not initiated it yet. In fact I suspect that it has been so long that she has forgotten that that conversation still has to happen. It has reached the point where starting that dialog in my case will start the hurt all over again and I feel that it is better to get it over with now than wait a possible long long time, especially now that you no longer want to sweep things under the carpet.

My 2 cents worth,

Melissa

[Wendy me]

hang in there girlfreind , give her time to think and sort things out... could be she is thinking of what she wants to say....

[paulaN]

Is she still beeing nice to you? I hope so that would be a good sign. pins and needles. needles and pins.

[sherri]

Why does this feel like a ticking bomb to me? Makes you wish you could send a delegate to feel her out, doesn't it? Like a food taster or something. But I'm just naturally paranoid.

It's an interesting tactic though, the silence. It's like passing your move in a game of chess.

Actually, I for one am immensely relieved the letter is shredded. I've been biting my tongue not telling you to get that letter back! My policy is, never put anything in writing.

But again, I'm paranoid.

[DonnaT]

Well, I took some time today to write a long letter to my wife, explaining everything to her in some detail.

.
.
.
I told her that when she wants to talk, I will talk with her.


She may be getting her thoughts together, and hopes you honor this part of your letter. Although I can understand that if she puts it off too long you'll need to bring it up in conversation.

[Charlene Marie]

Well, I know very little, but I know a few things. I know that she has read that 5-page letter I wrote her. And I know what she did with it. She shredded it. On a whim, I looked in the paper shredder, and I found the remants of that letter. I have to assume she took this action because of the very sensitive nature of it's contents. If it were to fall into other hands by accident, it would be potentially very embarrassing.

But then, she's not exactly referring back to it in an effort to sort out her thoughts, either. And although she has been very pleasant with me, she has not said a word to me.....not one word.....about that letter.

So now what?

Marla, To soon to panic. If shes being pleasant, wonderful. She thinking, let her think awhile. She didn't blow up and thats a good sign, just give her some time and be very pleasant with her also. Dont push for a responce from her.
You'll get it when she is ready. Good Luck Honey

[Helana]

Hmmm.....

Sorry but I have to be a bit pessimistic here. I don't think she shredded the letter to get rid of evidence. A five page letter has a lot of things to think about. Unless she has a photographic memory, this tells me that she does not want to even consider what you wrote, that she is rejecting your point of view. I hope I am wrong but in my experience women hold onto letters, even sad ones, they dont shred them. Women generally do not summarize the contents of personal letters, they tend to think every word has meaning so they need to keep them safe.

It is not difficult to securely hide a letter in your own house for a while. I can buy into the argument that it should be eventually destroyed if it was done later on. But to do it immediately before its contents were even discussed is unusual. Also she should have told you that she had destroyed it for security reasons in case you found out and was hurt by her actions. Only you can know if this is typical behaviour of your wife but then again she is under a lot of stress.

[Holly]

Marla, you must use YOUR best judgement. Be confident and keep a positive outlook.

[Shannon]

Marla -- you certainly know your wife better than any of us, and what her motivations behind shredding the letter may be. It would seem that the most apparent reasons would be, as you said, being sensitive to the contents and not wanting to risk it being read by someone else; or, its an act of denial -- literally shredding your words and feelings in hopes they go away.

I'm hopeful that she is taking time to collect and understand her feelings -- perhaps even composing a letter in reply.

I learned in my professional life from an expert in strategic management that sometimes its best to wait things out until the other person responds -- don't try to fill the gap and the silence (as difficult as it may be). Also, if I were in your situation, I set myself a deadline -- if I haven't heard a reply within one week, I'd raise the issue -- ask her if she has had time to think about what you wrote. (I would not mention that you know she shredded it -- I'd be curious to see if she would tell me what she did with the letter.) As I've mentioned to you before, I think to let this disappear again, back under the rug, is a loss. As difficult as it may be, now that its on the table, keep it there.

My best wishes and thoughts are with you.

[Dana]

For my two cents worth, I side with Shannon. She needs time to digest this, mentally, emotionally, psychologicaly, even perhaps spiritually.

I say the folliwng as constructive criticism. Personally, I think what you need to be doing now that you've got this out in the opinion, and on the table, and that you're essentially re-negotiating the terms of the relationship, is to take the realationship back to its beginnings, and to start from square one, as if you had just meet. What you've got to do, is you've got to regain her trust, confidence, and love of you ~ not that this side of you has emerged. You've got to show her that the "man" the person that she fell in love with is still there. Hasn't changed and hasn't gone anywhere.

Crossdressing at its best is narcisstic. (sic), and to be honest selfish? I mean it just is! Its "Me! Me! Me!" by definition and by its nature, is it not!

That's not what a relationship with a woman is about. Almost any and all women want to be put up on an emotional pedestal, and to know that they come before any and all others. Before sports, before hunting, before gambling, before drinking, before drugs, before any and all other women.

I would really recommend a book called "Light Her Fire" and "1001 Ways To Be Rommantic" and "1001 More Ways to Be Romantic" and "An Idiots Guide to Seducation"

In essence my suggested strategy is focus on HER wants and HER needs, as a woman, and in turn she may over the course of time become more receptive to your wants and needs, if nothing else other than allowing you the time and space, and understanding that you need.

[Kierci]

Hey marla, Your probably getting tired of hearing my .02cents if you are just tell me :) I would have to say this: How many women Dont think about things over and over and over again? Knowing only a little about your residence I am going to make an assumption that she is probably trying to figure out everything you said and how it is going to affect the relationship between you,her and others (you know what I mean). I am also thinking that she amongst what I already said maybe be trying to decide or figure out how to approch you with this matter. She could be feeling anxiety over this and taking it one step at a time. Now she may also be testing you a little to see if your attitude towards her changes or if the relathionship changes now that she knows, hopefully once she see's it is going to be the same relationship she entered into then she will be more comfortable with this. Keep in mind how long you knew you were a CD"r and the fact that you just laid this on her, she is going to need time to come to herself before she can come to you about this.
Now as far as her shredding the Letter "THANK GAWD" I would like to think she did this out of courtesey for you and protecting the relationship between you and your wife, as you told me before how catastrophic it would be..... Think of it like this you can rest easier knowing that no one will happen on that letter by mistake. Now if she is still being nice (normal) towards you this has got to be a good thing, that she didnt throw the letter back at you in a raging fit. OK Ok I'll quit for now IM me or PM me and tell me to turn my IM on if you dont see me if you want to chat or Vent obsentities to someone K? Take care Girl LuvYA.

[Tamara Croft]

Sorry but I have to be a bit pessimistic here. I don't think she shredded the letter to get rid of evidence. A five page letter has a lot of things to think about. Unless she has a photographic memory, this tells me that she does not want to even consider what you wrote, that she is rejecting your point of view. I hope I am wrong but in my experience women hold onto letters, even sad ones, they dont shred them. Women generally do not summarize the contents of personal letters, they tend to think every word has meaning so they need to keep them safe.From a womans point of view, what Helena said above is quite true. Woman save everything, even if it's hurtful, they save it to discuss it at a later date. Things go in my shredder when I don't want to have to think about it again, but then again that's just me. I don't know your wife, I don't know what she is like, maybe she isn't one for holding onto letters or hoarding things. Only you know yourself what she is like and the way you actually said 'she shredded it' came across as so 'matter of fact' to me... just a feeling, but I think you know yourself what her shredding that letter means.

So now what? Now you have to decide whether it's time to have this talk once and for all, or carry on wondering what to do next. Sweetie, you can't live day by day wondering what to do, you need to make a decision. You are obviously unhappy and I know this is terribly hard for you. But like I said, you need to sort this out and then you can start living your life happy :hugs:

[Lotte L]

Hi Marla,

I realy hoped that the two of you could solve this issue. Despite our uncontrolleble desire for cd we must bringup understanding for our wives. They feel deserted, al allone, and nobody to talk to. Normally they could discus whatever with their husbands, but is he still trustworthy? We know our situation, our feelings and even we were upset about it, some of us used a lifetime to get used to this feelings. Don't think I have to spell it out. Help your wife to understand, do'nt force her into your CDing. Make it playable and dare to make fun about it. Last week my wife was doing her fingernails at the kitchentable and I let her do my little finger and I'm not allowed to take it of. The result is that she could bring it up to her girllfriend by saying do you see his little finger, that's his feminine part and then the talk got started while I walked the dog. Bottomline is allow your wife to talk this over with her best friend.

Love,
Lott L

[JennyCD]

It IS a lot for her to digest. And, this may be a bit off the wall, but perhaps she's in the process of writing her own letter so she can compose and present her thoughts about it?

[danielle65]

Hmmm.....

Sorry but I have to be a bit pessimistic here. I don't think she shredded the letter to get rid of evidence. A five page letter has a lot of things to think about. Unless she has a photographic memory, this tells me that she does not want to even consider what you wrote, that she is rejecting your point of view. I hope I am wrong but in my experience women hold onto letters, even sad ones, they dont shred them. Women generally do not summarize the contents of personal letters, they tend to think every word has meaning so they need to keep them safe.

It is not difficult to securely hide a letter in your own house for a while. I can buy into the argument that it should be eventually destroyed if it was done later on. But to do it immediately before its contents were even discussed is unusual. Also she should have told you that she had destroyed it for security reasons in case you found out and was hurt by her actions. Only you can know if this is typical behaviour of your wife but then again she is under a lot of stress.

As a GG I have to agree with Helana. I hold on to all letters and analyze and reanalyze them. Some do get tossed eventually but I reread them and going over EVERY word.

[Dayna]

Sorry Marla, but this does not sound encouraging to me.

So, now that you have tried to be subtle (if we can call five pages of your deepest thoughts 'subtle'), maybe you could try direct...afterall, she IS your wife.

Give it a week, and then hold her hands, look her in the eyes and say, "I gave you a letter... it's been a week... you haven't even acknowledged it... can I assume that my crossdressing is something that you never, ever want to discuss?"

You give her that "out". If she takes it, you have your answer and you can stop agonizing, and start deciding how Marla will fit into your life going forward. If you are lucky, she will either open up, or you ask for more time.

I really think, though, that you need to stop guessing... key to any marriage is communication, and I think your wife owes you an answer, even if it's not the one you want.

Good luck, and know we are feeling for you.

[TGMarla]

First off, let me just say thank you to everyone who has lent me their advice. I appreciate it. Having so many varied points of view allows me to sift throught the chaff and better make sense of the situation.

Yes, I know my wife pretty well, but only as well as any man can know the heart of a woman. Even though we in this community emulate women and may feel that we think a bit more like women do, we are still men, and ultimately think like men. I don't pretend otherwise. The overriding fact here is that she is acting very nice towards me, and it's not as though nothing has happened. It's almost as though she is responding positively to the fact that I was finally openly and really brutally honest with her. Her silence about it all may well be for the same reasons I have difficulty with it. I have a very hard time discussing this with her. My thoughts do not come out clearly, and I may say things I will regret later. That's why I wrote them all down. She may have the same problem discussing it.

Now, why the shredding? I have written her letters before. She knows that this is how I communicate in difficult situations. She has kept some of these letters, but really, not forever. The things she keeps forever are of a much more personal nature: the boutonniere I wore when we married, a shirt her son used to wear, his jewelry, a song I wrote for her when we were engaged....but she has not kept every personal communication I ever gave to her. It would be a large and painful stack. And this letter was rather large and particularly sensitive.

She read it. She knows what was in it. If she needs to ever read it again, I'll print it out again. (I kept a copy) She may not be thinking of some of the things I mentioned in it. For instance, I'd like to attend the local support group. I told her I corresponded with others like me (and women) on this forum. But she remembers, no doubt, some of the other things I said, like that although we all feel bad about ourselves sometimes, I still have never seen her as anything other than my beautiful wife. That I have never cheated on her. Not even close. That my crossdressing is an outward manifestation of the part of me that she likes the best, the kind and very giving person she fell in love with.

And my gut feeling is that she shredded it because she didn't want anyone to see it, and also because she didn't want to read it anymore.

But she is acting like there's a bit of a weight that's been lifted off of her. I'll attempt to speak to her about it after some time has passed. Right now, I have something very positive to attend to. I have been unemployed since that posting I made on the feminine hotel room in Omaha. That's right....it's been a while. I have been holding up my end by doing a lot of independent computer work. It's brought in some good money. She's been working her butt off, though, and she's very tired. Yesterday I was offered a position that will pay better than any job I have ever had. I will be accepting that position later this morning. That's got to help the situation, too. And I'll cross the big bridge in a week or two. It'll make us both happier, I think.

[DonnaT]

Congratulations on the new job Marla!

[sherri]

But she is acting like there's a bit of a weight that's been lifted off of her.
For some reason that observation really reverberates with me. It sounds like a gut take only a mate can make. *crossed fingers for y'all*



Right now, I have something very positive to attend to. I have been unemployed since that posting I made on the feminine hotel room in Omaha. That's right....it's been a while. I have been holding up my end by doing a lot of independent computer work. It's brought in some good money. She's been working her butt off, though, and she's very tired. Yesterday I was offered a position that will pay better than any job I have ever had. I will be accepting that position later this morning. That's got to help the situation, too. And I'll cross the big bridge in a week or two. It'll make us both happier, I think.
That is huge news Marla. I know you're elated, and I can't help but think it comes at a really good time, lending some stability to your situation that's bound to make your wife feel better about everything in general.

[Mary Jane]

Marla,

I am feeling some good vibrations about how things are going. Time will tell, but she is acting in a way that at least makes you think she is becoming more understanding even if not more accepting. I also want to congratulate you on the new job. I am sure this will ease some tensions in the household also.

Mary Jane

[Christina Nicole]

Helana said it first and best. Shredding something is a destructive act. The destruction of something a person does not like is an emotional release. So, in a grossly oversimplified way of speaking, shredding the letter is the killing of 'the other woman.' Now that the other woman is dead, she can be sweet, happy, and very nice since nothing actually exists to upset that happy state.

Of course, shredding the letter isn't the end of Marla. The letter still exists, the situation still exists, and the hurt feelings (on both sides) still exist. This is a dangerous situation, emotionally. Denial only works for a little bit. She is probably holding back her feelings, like a dam holding back a river, thinking that she 'solved' the problem. Sooner or later something causes the dam to break. The more she holds back, the worse when it finally all comes out.

Your wife has a lot of stress right now. She’s reacting to the loss of her son, your loss of your job (congrats on the new one!) and the loss of her manly husband. She needs professional help to work though these things. However you get her that help, you need to do it. Soon. Very soon, IMHO.

On the other hand, my degrees are in mathematics, computer science, and finance. What the heck do I know about women and psychology? But it I were in your position, I'd be very concerned.

Warmest regards,
Christina Nicole

[_Janelle_]

Hope it all works out Marla - I wouldn't have the patience you have - I'd be like "Well - what did you think about the letter?" and just get it out in the open and go from there.

Regardless, good luck!

Janelle

[Sarahgurl371]

Marla,
Congrats on the new Job!!!! I know that can take a load off both of you. And that can be a good thing right now. Plus it may give you some time to back off of the whole TG CD issue a little bit. You and I have conversed some and are in similar situations. I was very close to a divorce a week ago. And some of the posts here helped me to consider things that maybe I wouldn't have otherwise. Some things I have thought of may help you. I don't know...

1. Never quit communicating with her. Its probably what contributed most to our situation. That just increases the feeling of pain and hostility towards each other. It also increases the confusion surrounding the marraige. Simple things that are still OK get all fouled up. I know its tough to bring it all up, but, after an appropriate amount of time has passed, do yourself a favor and bring it up. If you don't, and she hasn't acknowledged this yet, you will begin to resent her, at least I have. That leads to so much other negative stuff which just compounds the original issue. Anger and high emotions never help to resolve such critical issues. And when we feel hurt by our spouse lack of acceptance, even enough to just talk, communication can easily dissapear.

2. Maybe back off the whole CD/TG thing as much as you can for a while. Ask yourself, if it were not for CDing, would everything be OK? Or is CDing the straw that broke the camel's back? Please try and step back and take yourself out of the situation, and objectively look at it again.

3. Remember to still take a little time for her. Take her out to eat or something. Go do something the two of you like to do together. Or spend some time on her hobbies. Someone posted here that CDing is so narcsasistic(?). Selfish. On its face it is certainlly plausible to view it as such, and your wife may very well see it that way. So even though some of us have completely put our wants and needs behind that of our wives, she may not view it as such. Try and see it from her point of view. We are all very good at saying "I wish she could just understand my point of view", so we should be equally ready to try and understand thiers.

(we can discuss selfish or not another time)

I don't mean to lecture you, I hope it is not comming off that way. I just thought I had considered everything a week ago, and some of you here, to quote a member, "put a shot across my bow". I certainlly helped me to step back and look at it all again from a different perspective. And that, coupled with the fact that I do Love my wife, afforded us another shot, and a little hope.

Good luck babe.

[Helana]

Marla

Congrats on the new job. For sure that will help with your relationship and your mind will be on your new tasks for a while, so let the CDing take a back seat to ease the tension.

I do hope your wife's behavior is a good sign. It does appear she has resolved something in her head, the problem is you dont know what her resolution is until you talk about it. I think you need to set aside time this weekend to hear her thoughts and then take things easy afterwards and see you things settle.

Good luck

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Congratulations on the new job Marla!

We can speculate all we want here (personally I can see both sides), but ultimately you'll only know how she's feeling by talking to her. I agree it's good to give her whatever amount of time you think is appropriate to let her think things over, and then raise it with her if she hasn't said anything.

[TGMarla]

Well, I've given it a week. My wife has shown ablolutely no inclination to discuss my letter to her with me, so I have little inclination to interpret her silence as this: She doesn't want to, or doesn't know how to bring this subject up with me. I think it's the former, not the latter.

However, she has been almost abnormally nice to me. Very understanding in all things. For instance, I have started a new job. It is paying me a lot more money than I have ever made before. I mean, EVER! Lots of money. I'm thrilled, but scared at the same time. I have a lot of anticipation that my new employer will find that I'm not worth the money. For two days I have had this nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. And it shows. My wife has noticed it. She's been great. I work in computers. There are a lot of techs out there better than me. But you'll not find one more willing to go the extra yard, or try harder than me. That's my ace in the hole. I really try hard. I'm willing to learn. I'm willing to ask questions or research the answer if I need to. But the fact remains, I'm not God's gift to computer techs. I hope he feels that I'm worth it.

Yesterday, my wife said to me to stop being my own worst enemy. Just be myself. Work hard, try hard, and if it doesn't work out, then I could find something else. That's all. Nothing negative, no nasty comments. I have nothing to be ashamed of if I give it my best. Wow! Coming from a spouse, that means a lot! She supports me and is firmly in my corner. And this, only one week after getting a five page letter from me describing my crossdessing tendencies in vivid detail.

Today, I talked to my new boss, who is really paying me a lot of money, and he told me that he is pleased so far. He said he knew that this is a step to "the next level" for me. So that made me feel better, too.

So this weekend, should I still feel brave enough, I hope to bring this subject up with my wife again. After all, it's been a week now. I only want her acknowledgement, her tentative acceptance. I want to be able to attend the local support group, for instance. Nothing radical. Baby steps. I don't think it's asking too much, considering she now knows pretty much everything there is to tell about my crossdressing. I hope I can muster the courage, and I hope she has the time. Both elements are important. She works a lot. I don't want to take her away from what she needs to do. But I really want to talk. I hope she does, too.

[JennyCD]

It all sounds pretty positive to me, both the great job and your wife. I know you are really wanting communication from your wife at this point, but maybe it would be best to wait and see what happens?

Maybe try dropping a comment or two here and there and judge how she reacts. You know her best. Maybe she is trying to show her support or understanding in her own way?

[Kierci]

Hey Marla I am really happy to hear that somethings are working out for ya, mine didnt turn out so well (we'll chat about that later) I agree with most of what JennyCD said women have their way to communcating with out coming out and saying directly. I think that is what pisses women off about men is that we dont pick up on their language. I like the idea of dropping a line here and there to see her reaction. Keep up the courage girl you can do it be strong, and hang in there. :hugs: If you need to find a secluded place and let out a big :cry: it can only make you feel better :D

Love ya hun Have a good weekend!!

[sherri]

My instincts say chill, settle into the job a bit, let the good vibes from her develop into an estabished kharma, nice and easy does it, then next month maybe bring up the support group thing.

I know a week on pins and needles feels like forever to you, but really, you have some good stuff going on, what could a little more time hurt?

[susiej]

Marla,

One small thought to add to the excellent advice (both optimistic and pessimistic) you've gotten here in the past couple weeks:

It's not over until it's over!

Those of us in sales will tell you, it's never too late to win a deal, and it's never too late to lose one. Keep being there for her in other things; take her to a dinner, or a movie or something (but maybe not "Transamerica" :)). Show her you're really still the same guy she's come to know and love.

You've got two pieces of conflicting evidence. A) she shredded your letter. B) she's being pleasant to you, in spite of getting what must have been the shock of her life. Is she pleasant because she's already hired a divorce lawyer? Did she shred the letter because she didn't want it laying around to cause trouble?

Who knows? But, either way, your course of action is clear -- don't give up. Give her 100 reasons to stick with you, and none to bail. Until you see the whites of the eyes of the divorce lawyer, your only sensible choice is, well, to love her.

Oh, and personally, my read of the tea leaves is optimistic. If she shreds some portion of your anatomy, well, then, I'd worry. But a letter? Nah!

All the more reason, IMHO, to hang in there!

Hugs,
Susie

[Dayna]

Good luck, my friend!!

[Jodi]

Marla, Wish you the best on both your new job and acceptance from your wife.

Jodi

[Abby Lauren]

Marla
Your wife's supportive comments to you indicate that she still feels quite positively toward you despite the problem you dropped in her lap. That's a very good sign. Nevertheless, she may not have the emotional tools to deal with something as jarring as this. My wife, who is a very savvy and sophisticated lady, went into complete and utter emotional denial after I completely spilled my guts to her years ago. She was utterly incapable of dealing with the news then. Ultimately (after many years), I needed to "shake her tree" to get her to openly consider how important my TG'ism was to me. I've needed to be incredibly patient with her but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. She has given me lots of clothes, makeup, jewelry, etc. and has helped me in clothes selection.
Please don't despair but also be prepared to gently move her along to deal with your reality.
Good luck, hon.

[Raychel]

Marla, The saying goes "Good things come to those who wait" The good things are starting, It sounds like you have a great job and a pretty good boss. That is a start. It also sounds like you have a great wife. She read your letter and did not get all mad and angry with you. That is another good thing. So your life is going great at this time, and before you know it your wife will come around and your life will be better than you could have ever imagined.

Congratulations on your great wife and great job. I need a job like that. :D

[Christina Nicole]

Marla,

Great news about the job. You are right about computer techs. There are a lot of them out there and there are a lot of really great technicians. However, there are not a lot of great techs who are people-oriented. You probably have a huge advantage here that your employer sees. Don't know what the dynamics are in your new company, but they may be trying you out because they really need a manager, a customer facing liason, or someone like that who will be dealing with the technical issues that other people are facing.

If I were you, I'd still be worried about what is going on in your wif'e head. Continue to be good to her, but be cautious. Maybe there is still a chance of an impending storm.

Warm regards,
Christina Nicole

[Jasmine Ellis]

Hi Marla all the best and good luck love......Think about you this week end and hoping it gose well for you