Finding that unicorn of life

[Pythos]

I am sure this has been covered several times before, but a re-tread at times is handy.

Anyone have any luck find a signifigant other that can accept this aspect. I know there are many that have found such, but what I more mean is just how did you go about.

I really thought I had been found by such a unicorn, but she turned out to be not so great due to her own issues.

I am thinking I need to find a female that is a pansexual (though to be honest I am totally NOT against the idea of another person that is interexed, I realized I had NO issues with my ex being such.)

I am finding I really really dislike being single. I want someone in my life to love...I just like to give love, it feels wonderful (sounding like a girl here? Well that might be my androgynous mind. LOL.)

I loved to get my love gifts everynow and then. To send loving texts, and chat with her in fun and at times steamy ways.

I really feel utterly cheated...really by life seeing how I have had nothing but failures in the romance area.

There are times I find myself wishing I did transition 10 or so years ago. That in itself is a really hopeless feeling.

[DonniDarkness]

Hey Pythos,

Ive been trying to tell you for a long time that you just need to be yourself and stop looking. Love finds you when you least expect it and always at the pinnacle of you being oblivious to "Who likes me"....

Its saturday night. You go out frequently....so shed the monkey off your back and GO. Have fun being you...Dont try to hook up....just be you, out having fun.

You need to build yourself back up before you give another person the chance to break your heart.

Your Drag Sis,
-Donni-

[Megan Thomas]

...be yourself and stop looking. Love finds you when you least expect it

You need to build yourself back up before you give another person the chance to break your heart.


Have to agree with the above. My current and previous SO both had complete acceptance of my gender issues and embraced ME as a person. You will find someone when you least expect it. Stop looking!

[sandra-leigh]

I never had any luck when I was looking for a relationship. The first two of my relationships really just fell on me. The third (present one) less so, but still came about somewhat oddly, and we didn't acknowledge any attraction until I was 34.

I only ever had one "date" in my life and it did not go well: one of the few people I have met where within a minute I was intuitively sure that we would not get along even as friendly acquaintances.

I would assess that, even without the trans issues, I would likely not have had any success in "looking" for a relationship until I was at least 47.

One of the big differences (for me) is that in the last few years I have established a wider network of acquaintances who have some idea of who I am and what I am like, and thus that I have a larger "referral network" to work with. I now know people who know a lot of people, and would (I think) be willing to tell others that I am a fundamentally good person who is worth consideration.

At your age, I was getting more than somewhat down about my prospects. I was getting politely turned down by everyone I asked, and when I had established friendships that I really thought were leading somewhere and (after months) finally asked about dating, the women would cry and say they didn't deserve me... and then would more or less disappear from my life. I had that happen, complete with tears, four times in a row.

I can't tell you, "It Gets Better". It gets different. And it bloody hurts until it does. :sad:

I asked myself many a time, "What is wrong with me that I can't find anyone other than my family who cares about me??" I never got an answer. I talked to some GG friends, intelligent women with PhDs, who basically scratched their heads and said they couldn't figure it out either, that there should be a lot of interested women.

The one clue I have is that as I have somewhat transitioned, I have become more and more accepted socially. Yes, that does sound quite backwards from what one would expect, but it happened. Possibly some of that was me being happier and more at ease with myself -- but only some. The small events of my life, the subtle interactions, are consistent with the hypothesis that I just don't fit as male, that being overtly female is what is "right" for me. The "vibe", the "body language", whatever it is that humans use when they glance at someone and determine whether the other person is "odd" or a "threat": I triggered that as a "male" and I do not trigger that much as a female, even though my face does not come across as female.

You are still a lot younger than I am, and if you were to start transitioning (if that is what is right for you) then you would be through by the time you got to my present age. There is a famous "Dear Abby" about a woman who is thinking of to grad school for 8 years and wondering if she should do it "because in 8 years I will be 61!", and Abby's response is a simple, "How old will you be in 8 years if you do not go back to school?"

[kimdl93]

Hey Pythos,

Ive been trying to tell you for a long time that you just need to be yourself and stop looking. Love finds you when you least expect it and always at the pinnacle of you being oblivious to "Who likes me"....

Its saturday night. You go out frequently....so shed the monkey off your back and GO. Have fun being you...Dont try to hook up....just be you, out having fun.

You need to build yourself back up before you give another person the chance to break your heart.

Your Drag Sis,
-Donni-

I agree with donni...just let life low and see what happens.

[Beverley Sims]

Go out and try to meet others like yourself is agood start

[Erica Marie]

Phythos I know how you feel. Being alone does have its advantages that you have no one to report to and no one to tie you down. But at time its just nice to have some one to fall back on and lean on. Right now Im kinda in a mindset that I cant be accepted. After about 2 years of dating my ex gf ( who actual was my old high school sweetheart that I got back together with, so we have history) One night we were talking about sassy things and stuff and I told her about my dressing, a first she was a little set back by it but after a few months of talking things out she became accepting of it. She wasnt interested in seeing me dressed but she did accept and even bought me a few outfits. BUT then she decided that is was "Too much" for her to handle" and next thing I knew she was off with some one else. After a while I knew that was just an excuse to leave because she was messing around with this guy for some time. But now it has me in the mindset if I tell others they will up and do the same thing. Honest I sometimes feel that its better to be single than to bother someone with this in a relationship. Anyone else feel this way?

[Pythos]

I do not so much seek info on how to find...but more like be found. My ex found me. It was the most astonishing and awesome feeling to have. Somebody actually approached AND she was single. LOL

It is just the fact I just want, or need someone to love. I loved having her. Yea I groused about some things ( She never cheated on me, never hit me, never was violent, so no this is not a case of beaten "wife" symptom,), but I would much rather deal with those than be single. It is just in my makeup.

As pathetic as that may sound.

[DonniDarkness]

ZOMG If i lived in SF bay i would come over and shake you...


My ex found me. It was the most astonishing and awesome feeling to have. Somebody actually approached AND she was single.

This is why ive been trying to recommend just being yourself...and enjoying life.

She saw you and said to herself... "Well look at that confident, outgoing, beautiful man having such a great time. I suddenly feel overwhelmingly compelled to be a part of his life....."

Your a great guy Pythos, Concentrate on yourself.

Did you ever go out Saturday night?

-Donni-

[April_Ligeia]

I met my girlfriend on a dating web site. Why not, you don't have anything to lose by trying. It is a good way to meet people that you wouldn't if you had to do it out in the world.

[docrobbysherry]

U have no idea how lucky u r! Many of us met and married the "girl of our dreams". Then, after many happy years, watch the relationship deteriate into a nitemare! After which going thru years of separation, legal battles, splitting assets and children, and finally divorce.

All of which makes your worst breakup seem like a picnic at Disneyland!

You're free to enjoy your dating life with none of the over riding baggage that most of us carry with us always. That will be appealing to MANY women.

Then, you'll just have to be able to stomach theirs! And, u may be good with that!

[ReineD]

Hi Pythos, I'm sorry you've had such bad experiences. :sad:

I'm about to say something that may be construed as ultra judgmental, but please be assured that it's not. I'm basing this on my observations of people in certain age groups. I personally like funky people who live outside of boxes.

Anyway, you are 40 and your description on your profile is femme androgynous goth girl. I'm wondering if it is not the femme & androgynous that is a problem, as much as the goth? You have pronounced makeup, wild jewelry, and I've seen your outfits ... they're fantastic goth outfits, but they would not appeal to a large segment of women in your age group. I know this is club wear and you probably don't always present like this. But, if you go to the goth clubs looking for potential dates, I'm guessing the average girls there are in their 20s, and to a 20 year old girl, a 40 year old is ancient!

Do you ever go to more mainstream bars where people your age congregate? Or have you considered putting up a profile on a dating site? But again, if you just put pics of you in your wild outfits, this would limit the number of women in your age group who might be interested.

I so hope I said this the right way and did not put my foot in my mouth.

A lot of members here (including my SO) have found accepting partners, by presenting a more mainstream appearance at first. And then as soon as there are sparks you can tell her how you like to dress. The likelihood that she will go for it at the beginning of a new relationship if she's falling for you is very high.

If you think this would be lying, it's not really if you do spend a considerable amount of time in mainstream clothes (for your job, at family functions, etc). So this is a part of you too? You could still be somewhat androgynous, just not with all the wild hair, spiky necklaces, and black lipstick? ... at first. And then you could introduce your new love to the goth scene.

[Pythos]

Reine, you present very good points. Yes too many in the scene are in their 20s or so. Several are in their 30s as well. My ex is in her late 30s.

It very likely the Goth part that is the deterrent. I do have a more "mainstream" fem androg look. I will maybe post more pics of that.

Thank you for your very well thought out response to my question.

[ReineD]

Oh phew!! I was so afraid that I would sound insulting. :hugs:

[Tracii G]

Reine does make a good point give it a try it just might work for you.
I found if I wasn't looking and acted as if I didn't care if I had a a girl or not I had more come up to me in clubs and hit me up.
Heck on my 50th birthday(10 years ago) I was gigging at a club where most of the women were 35 and under, the girls in their 20's seemed more interested in me and not the guys their own age.

[Nikki A.]

Personally I stopped looking and just decided to have fun. I'm joining some LGBT groups and other meetups, if things are right I may meet a soul mate. If not I'm still going to have a good time.
It is hard being alone, but it's better than being in a miserable relationship.