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View Full Version : How close to TS threshold am I?



CarolynO
02-05-2013, 05:31 PM
Hello
I've been a cd since age 5 and came to terms with it at an early age.Never thought what it meant back then,by my 20's I started to feel gender dysphoric.It was sort of a low buzz into my 30's.by the time I reached 40 it started becoming stronger and in the last 6 mos the intensity upped a few notches more,now it is almost ripping me apart.To give an example;I watched ts girls on youtube and news stories on the web,after viewing this my head sank in my hands and cried for hours thinking why couldn't my life have turned out that way after a lot of reflection?

I feel at age 56 most of my life was wasted( wish this happened 35-40yrs ago).That reaction took even me by surprise.I am for the most part so dissatified with my male life.My cd life completely overpowered me in the teen years and earlier.I read in a book that cd/tv/tg's can endure great misery and isolation and that was very true esp. in my case.It was out of this despair that I reached out and joined cd.com as a member and it is a blessing for me to finally relate to like minded people and make friends.All members here are wonderful to me.

In my younger days i would think-I'd love to wear what that girl is wearing,now it is more than -I want breasts and a vagina,I want every physical attribute that women have.I keep hoping that this feeling/longing will ebb but it is not.The cding does expatiate that to a great degree but only temporarily.
On the flip side of this,I am not completely uncomfortable being male doing other things(activities,interests) as diversions but that ends where gender/sexuality begins.So where does this leave me?
To those that advise seeing a gender therapist-yes I completely agree but cannot due to job loss(laid off) and have to be careful of living expenses.Job market does not look too good at the moment.

Sorry for the long winded question

I'd appreciate any member's opinion on my situation
Thanks for reading
xxCarolyn

Marleena
02-05-2013, 05:39 PM
Carolyn I would suggest finding a good TS support group near you. Mine is very proactive with government contacts and has been a big help to me. It might help for now if a gender therapist is not an option. BTW the TS bug I suppressed in my twenties came back to bite me hard again in my late fifties, so it's not uncommon. Good luck.:)

arbon
02-05-2013, 06:01 PM
On the flip side of this,I am not completely uncomfortable being male doing other things(activities,interests) as diversions but that ends where gender/sexuality begins.So where does this leave me?

Why couldn't you do those activities as a woman?

melissaK
02-05-2013, 06:12 PM
Sweetie, I'm not sure its a "threshold" so much as an "event horizon." (the point at which the gravity of a celestial body overcomes the momentum of a nearby smaller celestial body causing the smaller body to spiral into the larger one)

Anyway, the event horizon is different for us all. Find a gender therapist (not just any old therapist) to help you talk this out and find your own event horizon if you have one. It maybe tht you pass by the TS celestial body without gettinng sucked into it.

Also, try doing your own homework to supplement your knowledge about your "gender" issues before you decide you are TS. Maybe Kate Bornstein's "My Gender Workbook" can assist you in sorting some of it out.

Keep in mind, CDing is an easy undo. Just put the clothes away. A TS road is permanently life changing and life altering and will change your world as you know it. Good and bad, sweetie....

CarolynO
02-05-2013, 08:30 PM
Very good analogy Melissa.Will i be sucked into the blackhole of transition or escape it's gravitational pull?I am not sure at this point.I did read up on gender/ts issues and what the final push in that direction may be.Yes I definitely want to see a g/therapist.I'll look for that book you mentioned.Thank you v/much Melissa

RenneB
02-05-2013, 08:53 PM
Hey Carolyn, I'm right there with you at that 50-somethin age... Yep, started 'bout the same time and went through most of my life knowing that I was the only one in the world born like this. Then I joined this forum and what a relief. I have traveled and met some of the greatest people you would ever want to know from this site.

I would definately get in with a local group and just chat about where you are and where YOU want to be. There are so many shades of this journey, each one of us is on one that is never the same as the others. I too was laid off so I know what a drag that can be. Spent almost 3 years living off of the savings until I landed out here in the corn fields.... During that time, I had a lot of 'alone' time and did a lot of soul searching.

I'm now at a point in my life where I can dress in the comfy clothes and hang out with some friends.. even getting out and about now and then.

Not sure this helps, but I'd look up a yahoo group in your area and try to engage in some meaningful conversation with others.... online is one thing, but in person is sooo much better...

Renne......

CarolynO
02-05-2013, 09:09 PM
Marleena and Renne,
I found a trans group near me before the holidays and attended one meeting.From what i saw in this tiny group,i felt it wasn't worth it to come back.All the members seemed to hold back- forcing their words out as if they(their words) had to hurdle a high wall to get out.When I talked I let it flow out then somebody cut me off and wanted to talk about their upcoming thanksgiving holiday.Got no feedback from group(7 or 8 people).I'm going to try and find a better,larger support group in the tristate area.Thank you both for sound advice.

Marleena
02-05-2013, 09:20 PM
Carolyn you found out all groups are not created equal. Time to try a new one for sure. My group leader goes out of her way to help the "newbies" and make them feel comfortable, they are the ones that need the most help. If they're not talking and helping they are just the wrong group for you but you know that already.

Kaitlyn Michele
02-06-2013, 08:48 AM
I would not discount the idea that you are transsexual if i were you..
feeling trapped and desperate is something ts women live through in male roles...many crossdressers get this way too but don't realize the depth of what ts women endure as males...a crossdresser more options to relieve their stress and they can still get fulfilling male experience in their lives to keep things on an even keel...

you mentioned still enjoying being a male, and you mentioned things males do..
i still play video games, i play guitar with the same group of guys, i still love football(I even stayed in my fantasy football league).... my exwife still has me "fix stuff" in her house!!
see what i'm saying...what you mentioned actually has nothing to do with transsexuality!! THis is a tell to me that you have a lot of work to do..

IT is VITAL to you and your life that you get as much info as possible...it is vital you follow up and meet more transsexuals...and crossdressers too... you need to be eye to eye with someone to guage their credibility and veracity...
sitting with transitioned women focused on you will freak you out..i guarantee it... PArsing through your inner dialog takes an enormous amount of effort if you want to do it right.. focus on facts as best you can... get realistic about ideas like transition and what being a woman actually means...

having no money is hugely problematic for the transitioning transsexual.... no therapymoney? what about electrolysis, hormones, hair replacement, clothes, surgery??...does it impact your chances to make $$ in the future..
no money means low chance of successful transition...if you are broke and want to transition, the actual transition path should start with making and saving money for it...
I have seen transsexuals beg, steal and borrow with no intent to repay... think before you get to that point...

rather than think about the unponderable idea of "am i this or am i that..." try to consider your quality of life...

would transitioning improve your quality of life... some are lucky and their transition quaility of life is very high..whether its keeping jobs or getting family support, passing well as a woman is another big boost.. it can be wonderful...but getting there is brutal, and i'd guess more often than not, jobs are lost, families are estranged, friends melt away,passing is difficult and there is alot of "aloneness" and you simply MUST BE CERTAIN that transition was neccessary...the rewards are wonderful but they are nothing like what you think...

thinking about the difficulties and negatives can be helpful when you are questioning because you need to understand, because its ALOT harder than you think, ther REWARDS are not what you think, and if your quality of life is acceptable to today you risk making your life worse not better...

take off the dresses and the hose..put on the sweats and sneakers, electolysis takes 200-400 hrs at $75-100 an hour and is very painful, wearing a wig everyday is horrible...still sound good to you??

also Consider this...
If you could read some our 1,000's of posts about this subject, the general gist is Transition and is the wonderful transcendent thing we can do as tswomen, and yet all of us constantly harp on people to NOT do it unless you absolutely have too!!!

melissaK
02-06-2013, 02:41 PM
You are not me, and vice versa, but FWIW I first considered transitioning 21 years ago. Then again 8 years ago. Then this year I "had" to. I am early in my transition and its a logistic nightmare I work on a day at a time.

What wasn't ever picked up on by me before this began was this - you will have to come out to your SO and immediate family and best friends very early in the process. You will have to go through the angst of learning if any one of them will be accepting or stand with you in the journey at the journeys outset. It's an AWFUL AWFUL Bon voyage party.

For me my wife IS my best friend and our marriage has been brutally altered. We are still legally married, but our relationship is now a completely new one that is being built by two scared people coping a day at a time. I have no idea where we will end up. And Sweetie, that's just one aspect about my transition.

My life wasn't liveable before I started this. (Suicide was a counseling topic if you get my drift) I have kept my life worth living, but really I didn't. My body did not die, but my life? Its a new second life. My Electra avatar was not chosen on whimsy. Electra died. She was reborn into the same body but into a new life that is different. Its overly melodramatic to say everyone in my life acts like I died, but I know the "image" I am leaving behind and the new "image" I am working on, and I know how my wife has responded, and the idea I died is not that melodramatic.

So, do your homework sweetie! Personally I hope you don't have an event horizon to find. :)

Edit Add: (And Jorga, sorry my post got in rather than Kaitlyns. I join you in the +1 for Kaitlyn' post. It is excellent.)

CarolynO
02-06-2013, 03:12 PM
I hear what your saying Kaitlyn.All the points you brought up i turned over in my mind.I know how arduous,hellish transition can be.I know the tremendous cost involved with therapy,screening process and if approved FFS,electrolysis, HRT,GRS.I would have to hit the lottery to even consider going thru with this otherwise I'd end up in debt,destitute and that's more frightening.I also realise the my family,cousins would not accept or understand.I talked with my sister about this and she does not have a clue what being cd/tg/ts means(thinks it's a choice and not who we are).I tend to be a perfectionist in that I would not go thru with this unless everything was just right( financial,support of others)even if i'm approved rite now as a ts candidate.But living with my GD day after day is sometimes unbearable though.

Thank U for your insight,Kaitlynxxxx

Jorja
02-06-2013, 03:16 PM
You are not me, and vice versa, but FWIW I first considered transitioning 21 years ago. Then again 8 years ago. Then this year I "had" to. I am early in my transition and its a logistic nightmare I work on a day at a time.

What wasn't ever picked up on by me before this began was this - you will have to come out to your SO and immediate family and best friends very early in the process. You will have to go through the angst of learning if any one of them will be accepting or stand with you in the journey at the journeys outset. It's an AWFUL AWFUL Bon voyage party.

For me my wife IS my best friend and our marriage has been brutally altered. We are still legally married, but our relationship is now a completely new one that is being built by two scared people coping a day at a time. I have no idea where we will end up. And Sweetie, that's just one aspect about my transition.

My life wasn't liveable before I started this. (Suicide was a counseling topic if you get my drift) I have kept my life worth living, but really I didn't. My body did not die, but my life? Its a new second life. My Electra avatar was not chosen on whimsy. Electra died. She was reborn into the same body but into a new life that is different. Its overly melodramatic to say everyone in my life acts like I died, but I know the "image" I am leaving behind and the new "image" I am working on, and I know how my wife has responded, and the idea I died is not that melodramatic.

So, do your homework sweetie! Personally I hope you don't have an event horizon to find. :)
oooops! I got Melissa's reply instead of Kaitlyn's.

+1 on Kaitlyn's. This is a great answer. It is pretty much what I would have said.

Jennifer Marie P.
02-07-2013, 09:21 AM
Find a great TG support group therr is alot around or try to stick to the one you alreadt went.It takes time.