been awhile

[GabbiSophia]

I haven't postedd in sometime as I have just been reading and trying to understand my own world. Over a month of therapy with a really good therapist (at least for me) has kinda opened up the past. I am starting to put dots together and gain a picture. Here is thing though, I enjoy my male life I don not hate it. I hate the seperate duality of my mind at times and I am trying to meld the two together. I understand that I have done tons to try and fit in with the crowd and that I really do not think like them. I have never thought of gender to be because of body parts, I have always said, having a D*(* doesn't make you a man, lol and I never knew that was because I thought differently.

In reading comments to others on here I do get that everyone has their own road and no two are alike. I like many many things about my female side and think about the complete female body alot. Though I really like my male life too. I am walking my own path and somewhere I want to be able to meld the two into one where I do not lose my male life. I have kids and a wife and mean more than anything to me. She is great and accepts my path but to change my body would destroy what we have. That ok as I want to keep what I have.

Anyways thoght I would put thoughts to pad. I was curious though about something .. as a few have said they liked their male but still transitioned... why?

[LeaP]

There's a difference between liking aspects of your male life, or perhaps taking advantage of male privilege, versus being male.

Why anyone would transition if they don't fully identify as female is beyond me.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I agree with Lea..its really impressive that you can honestly think through this stuff with a good attitude...many people dont

it sure doesn't seem thinking of yourself as transsexual makes sense, and it sure as heck won't increase your quality of life...

i think you are conflating "male oriented activities and interests with actually being male....its not the activities themselves that matter...its your own ability to generate feelings of authenticity and fulfillment from ANYTHING YOU DO, even very femmy and female oriented things...this is a huge issue for people!!! especially crossdressers fantasizing about going all the way... its not what you do, its how you enrich your life from what you do...

it sure sounds from your posts that you should enjoy your femme side more and more and if possible eliminate transsexuality from your inner dialog totally...

[outhiking]

Welcome back to the forum.

[Traci Elizabeth]

As long as you feel you like your penis and plan on using it in your relationship and as you state, "I really like my male life too," then by definition alone you are not TS. TS don't want to be male in any fashion or form because they KNOW they are female. You sound more like a CD'er to me.

[GabbiSophia]

As long as you feel you like your penis and plan on using it in your relationship and as you state, "I really like my male life too," then by definition alone you are not TS. TS don't want to be male in any fashion or form because they KNOW they are female. You sound more like a CD'er to me.

The peg is not always a perfect fit and each person's experiences are different along with the experience of TS they go through or fight with IMHO. As your situation seems to have worked out for you I am happy for you but your experiences might not be the same for me. So I guess I differ in my opinion of my situation.

Lea I can see what you are saying and my male life may not be "being" male but at this moment I associate it with being male. Though I really do "get" what you are saying and it is a new way of looking at a few things.

[LeaP]

You sound like you've gotten to a point of good self-understanding, Steph. It takes hard work.

[Traci Elizabeth]

but your experiences might not be the same for me.

Absolutely, everyone walks their own journey. That's a given. BUT if you are wanting to keep and use your penis like any other man and you want to hold onto your maleness, wear male clothes, and enjoying doing male things with the guys, and you have no desire to replace your penis with a vagina, then I'm sorry but you are not a TS by any definition.

[Scotty]

I am of the same mindset, not willing to hurt/disappoint my family, risk everything.

I have enjoyed 10 years of my own consciousness in finding who I really am and am quite satisfied to be Two-Spirited - and it works for me without any second thoughts.

I too have been gone a while, just ended a 5 year relationship, nothing to do with the female side either. When addiction wins out I run the other way.

[melissaK]

Absolutely, everyone walks their own journey. That's a given. BUT if you are wanting to keep and use your penis like any other man and you want to hold onto your maleness, wear male clothes, and enjoying doing male things with the guys, and you have no desire to replace your penis with a vagina, then I'm sorry but you are not a TS by any definition.

Not disagreeing Traci, but what label would you apply?

[Anne2345]

I hate the seperate duality of my mind at times and I am trying to meld the two together.

I am not sure I follow you here. My mind is of one set, and one set only. Unfortunately, there is no escape or break from my thoughts and feelings relating to gender, unless I happen to be thoroughly engrossed and/or distracted by some activity. Even then the thoughts still creep in, and sometimes much to my detriment, or at the expense of my focus. Admittedly, I am absolutely obsessed by all of this, and it ain't easy. It's been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, in fact. But through it all, there has been nothing to meld together within my mind. Instead, what I have had to do is to peel away all of the denial, the suppression, the fear, the lies, the self-defense mechanisms, and mental barriers I have erected throughout my life. I have had to strip my being and essence bare, view the naked truth of who and what I am, and somehow find a way to come to terms with this in an effort to make my life some how, by any way, work for me just to keep from completely losing my freaking mind and going insane.


I have kids and a wife and mean more than anything to me. She is great and accepts my path but to change my body would destroy what we have. That ok as I want to keep what I have.

I have a wife and child, too. So do others here. They mean the world to me, and I can't stand the thought of losing them. Some here have been lucky and not suffered such loss. Others have not been as fortunate. I know that if I continue doing what I am doing that I will have to address complications and difficulties in the future. I know this, yet I cannot help myself. I continue to press forward, day after day, week after week, and month after month. And I am not stopping. Even as my body changes, and the changes have already begun through HRT, I am not stopping. I want more, in fact. I need more. Even though I possibly risk my marriage and my career, the fact of the matter is that my life sucked before. It was a sham. A falsehood. A lie. Living my life the way I was, where no one knew the real me, including myself, was no way to live. I was dying inside. Just completely dying inside.

Still, though, I will be the first to admit that I also enjoy doing stereotypical "male" things with my dude friends, such as playing basketball and other sports, participating in online gaming fragfests, and watching football, eating wings, and drinking beer with my buddies. And those are things I don't want to give up, either. But it does not mean I am any less female than I am. It doesn't mean I am any more male than I am, either. Rather, all it means is that I just so happen to enjoy those things. Nothing more, nothing less. The bottom line is that I am transsexual 24/7/365. Would that I could be otherwise . . . .

[melissaK]

Anyways thoght I would put thoughts to pad. I was curious though about something .. as a few have said they liked their male but still transitioned... why?

I thought about transition 21 years ago, and didnt. I thought about it 8 years ago and didn't. This year, more deeply invested in my family and in my career than ever, I "had"'to.

My life wasn't liveable before I started it this year. (Suicide was a counseling topic if you get my drift)
By transitioning I have kept my life worth living.

But really I didn't. My body did not die, but my life? It's a new second life. My Electra avatar was not chosen on whimsy. Electra died. She was reborn into the same body but into a new life that is different. Its overly melodramatic to say everyone in my life acts like I died, but I know the "image" I am leaving behind and the new "image" I am working on, and I know how my wife has responded, and the idea I died is not that melodramatic.

[Rianna Humble]

I can't answer your final question, but I would like to repeat what I often say to people who are unsure about whether transition is right for them:

Don't transition unless you absolutely need to. How will you know for sure if you need to transition?

If you are happy being your natal sex then you don't need to transition at this point in time
If anything (e.g. your marriage) or anyone (e.g. your wife and children) in your life is more important to you than having a body that is congruous with your gender, then you don't need to transition at this point in time
If you are not prepared to lose everything - friends, family, job, money even your home - in order to achieve congruity, then you don't need to transition at this point in time

Have you considered the idea that you may not be transsexual but bi-gendered?
Transsexuals are often accused of "buying in" to the gender binary, because for us it is a binary we are born with a body that is the exact opposite of our gender. That doesn't mean that we think it is a binary for everyone.

[melissaK]

Rhianna makes a good point. Sometimes neither binary is a good fit and you can explore middle ground bigendered, genderqueer, or other groups. But middle group members do seem to report they share a TS's dissatisfaction with the Male binary that mere crossdressing doesn't solve. Such an adventure awaits when you leave the gender assigned to you by the doctor on your birthday!!!

[GabbiSophia]

Absolutely, everyone walks their own journey. That's a given. BUT if you are wanting to keep and use your penis like any other man and you want to hold onto your maleness, wear male clothes, and enjoying doing male things with the guys, and you have no desire to replace your penis with a vagina, then I'm sorry but you are not a TS by any definition.

I don't have a crazed sense to go out and cut my male parts off but not being crazed over it doesn't change who I am. I mean you are pretty much saying if I don't meet your requirements then I am on a different bus.... I agree ..different than your path yes... but still our you not just boxing in the gender??


I can't answer your final question, but I would like to repeat what I often say to people who are unsure about whether transition is right for them:

Don't transition unless you absolutely need to. How will you know for sure if you need to transition?

If you are happy being your natal sex then you don't need to transition at this point in time
If anything (e.g. your marriage) or anyone (e.g. your wife and children) in your life is more important to you than having a body that is congruous with your gender, then you don't need to transition at this point in time
If you are not prepared to lose everything - friends, family, job, money even your home - in order to achieve congruity, then you don't need to transition at this point in time

Have you considered the idea that you may not be transsexual but bi-gendered?
Transsexuals are often accused of "buying in" to the gender binary, because for us it is a binary we are born with a body that is the exact opposite of our gender. That doesn't mean that we think it is a binary for everyone.

This is a main reason I have for keeping myself on the same path. I have found something I want more than anything else and it is them. Doesn't mean I don't have thoughts just means they are not stronger than my fam.


Rhianna makes a good point. Sometimes neither binary is a good fit and you can explore middle ground bigendered, genderqueer, or other groups. But middle group members do seem to report they share a TS's dissatisfaction with the Male binary that mere crossdressing doesn't solve. Such an adventure awaits when you leave the gender assigned to you by the doctor on your birthday!!!

Rianna mentioned it too .. I probally am in the middle ground somewhere.. but I am also choosing not to label myself.. I have come to understand that once you label yourself it makes things that much harder... and if I do label myself I just want to be happy and that atm doesn't have a gender on it... yet anyways ..

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You said in response to Traci...
"I don't have a crazed sense to go out and cut my male parts off but not being crazed over it doesn't change who I am. I mean you are pretty much saying if I don't meet your requirements then I am on a different bus.... I agree ..different than your path yes... but still our you not just boxing in the gender?? "

you are in a good place...you are not transsexual..you basically say we are crazed..you say you are in the middle ground somewhere..
you say you don't like labels, you suggest that somehow we would be distressed by being boxed in as females..(thats what being ts is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

and yet you bristle at us when it was suggested that you don't have to worry about being ts..

transsexuals are desperate for their female identity to be labeled and to be embraced...

...if you don't feel that way, just enjoy your femme time, and be yourself..lots of crossdressers feel strongly about their female identity and its just a matter of negotiating with your family around how your dressing and female time are managed..

[Jennifer Marie P.]

Welcome back to the forum.

[GabbiSophia]

You said in response to Traci...
"I don't have a crazed sense to go out and cut my male parts off but not being crazed over it doesn't change who I am. I mean you are pretty much saying if I don't meet your requirements then I am on a different bus.... I agree ..different than your path yes... but still our you not just boxing in the gender?? "

you are in a good place...you are not transsexual..you basically say we are crazed..you say you are in the middle ground somewhere..
you say you don't like labels, you suggest that somehow we would be distressed by being boxed in as females..(thats what being ts is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

and yet you bristle at us when it was suggested that you don't have to worry about being ts..

transsexuals are desperate for their female identity to be labeled and to be embraced...

...if you don't feel that way, just enjoy your femme time, and be yourself..lots of crossdressers feel strongly about their female identity and its just a matter of negotiating with your family around how your dressing and female time are managed..

ooo ok .. i apologize .. I am female .. I choose to acknowledge it ... and let her live in me but I love my life and to become her would take away the things that mean more than her... but by acknowlesging her is doing something for my ts self and it is something for me to learn to walk with .. I am not judging anyone with what they are going or went through .. all are different and I will not label someone elses problems only they can do it.. I am just saying I am learning to meld my two to become one without destroying everything around me... i have no clue how yet but aren't we all just a work in progress?? ... I orginally asked "I was curious though about something .. as a few have said they liked their male but still transitioned... why? " I have gotten a few responses and thank them .. I am trying not to grab onto others experiences and try to make them my own .. I want my own to be my own ..

[melissaK]

Ok Steph, you have me thinking (I love thinking. It's so dangerous). I want to be more clear about my posts. I am so early in my transition that I am in the middle ground between genders. I'm not across the gender divide by a long shot. Getting across was my announced destination, and its been the destination I've indentified with for as long as I've known what a TS is.

But I as I progress through middle ground, genderqueer land as it were, I am reinventorying my feelings. It seems sensible. And since coming out, the mind numbing static of gender dysphoria is gone. And life feels so different. My transition steps have such long lead times (hair transplants, electrolosis, career moves, budgeting) that I can do this inventory and verify my destination, or change it with no adverse consequences to either destination. But like you note, I want this to be MY choice.

But this gender queer middle land is a strange place to be. I dont have a female and male presentation I move between. To others I'm really just a guy in the wrong jeans and tops, not a guy in a dress, so I'm hardly pushing anyone's senses to new limits. I am not out at work, and I pass as the guy I've always been at work, but one whos clearly having a mid life crisis and needs a haircut. :) Well It's a place along the way to somewhere for me.

But to get here, it cost me dearly. Like I said. All my relationships changed profoundly. Just negotiating some CDing time is not easy, and it would be a lie for me to tell my wife or anyone that that I guarantee merely CD is my final destination. And in those types of discussions my final destination certainly came up as topic #1. So the mere fact that the other side of the spectrum comes up, my relationships were immediately changed.