loneliness / trans connection ?

[sandra-leigh]

I am wondering to what extent trans individuals tend to feel lonely for large chunks of their life?

I know that my life has been a long sequence of feeling apart from people, of feeling "left out" to some extent, of having few friends.

The story of my life... not being actively disliked by many people, but not being included in much either. An unspoken assumption that I wasn't part of the group and would take care of myself. The sort of person whom you can make party arrangements right in front of without inviting to the party.

My relationship... I regret to say there has been quite a bit of loneliness within it. Like my wife making vacation plans for herself without mentioning first that she's thinking of going.

I really can't tell how much if it would have happened anyhow, and how much of it is associated with people unconsciously noticing my unconscious "doesn't fit as a male" vibe. Women seem to pick it up more readily, and tend to talk to me as if I am not male... but not female either.

Anyhow, time to sleep.

[Megan Thomas]

I'm sure many here can relate to much of what you said.

[Sandra1746]

I too can identify with the condition of "feeling apart" from most people. I fortunately have been able to (generally) convert loneliness to a feeling of solitude, it makes it better but it is still "apart".

Hugs,
Sandra1746

[noeleena]

Hi,

Being lonely.

not being a trans person i cant claim that. i prefered being by myself quite a lot of the time, was that because i was different in quite a few way's . yes very much so.

As the saying goes if i went in to the bush id not be lonely as id talk to the birds insects & what ever moved, & if i did not see any one for a time it would not bother me. if you have a peace with in your self then , theres just some thing there that sustains you. weird nuts what ever,

I know when im around people & after a while i like to just have time out even if just a short time like to reknew your self a bit, or clear the mind,

The other part, women talk with me as a woman or woman to woman, they dont talk with me as being male & thats not happening nore will. , for that you must go back 55 years i knew what i was then. yes different i know yet so what, still female ,

i know what it was , it was about being accepted for who i was, something that was not shown or i did not express myself as i should have as a kid what would i really know then.

as your growing you dont allways see whats going on around you. till after. by then its a bit late, & really it did not matter, what i am now is of more importaince,
& thats about acceptance.

...noeleena...

[elizabethamy]

Sandra,

The feeling of not fitting in is pervasive even when the objective evidence (e.g. what others say to you about yourself) is not there. I've had this all my life and for the first 50 years told myself it was because I had an artist's view of the world as an outsider. Perhaps I did and do, but perhaps it's gender loneliness as well. I think, though am not sure, that the pervasive feeling of not belonging is one of the clues psychologists use to identify GID. At least on this board you don't have to feel alone!

elizabethamy

[Leanne2]

Sandra,
I have always been a loner. But it makes sense. When I was a child I wanted to be a girl. I wasn't a girl so I didn't have any girlfriends. Once when I was six I convinced a pretty little girl my age to get off the bus at our house. We played together and rode tricycles until supper time. My older brothers razzed me about having a girlfriend. I never hung with boys my age. And it is still that way. No Super Bowl parties for me. Now at age 62 I don't have a single guy friend but I have several women that I would like to have as close friends. Society frowns on married men having girlfriends. Leanne

[Marleena]

You are not alone Sandra. I always felt like I didn't fit in anywhere starting at childhood. I've never really had guy friends because I didn't want anybody to find out about me. I had acquaintances but no real friends. Even at work with the guys they noticed I was different so I've always had to do or say something to prove I was one of the guys. I'm not sure how I even managed normal relationships with girlfriends. I was never "ready to go" at the drop of the hat like a guy is supposed to be. I knew what I was in my twenties but buried it deep when I couldn't find help. It's been difficult but makes sense now.

[arbon]

I used to always have this feeling that people were going to figure me out, they would see through me and see my secrets. To some degree I think that did keep me from getting to close to anyone because I was afraid of how I would be judged. My wife was always accusing me of not really being there, that I was closed to her. She says now, and I would like to think it is true, that I am more connected, more present, more outgoing. I certainly feel better anyway.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

how could it NOT be that as we grow up we feel aloneness and lonliness.. I'm sure we interpreted it differently and our own personalities impacted how we experienced this...

one benefit of being fully transitioned is that you have a feeling of being authentic and your day to day interactions are filtered through YOUR lens...you don't feel as isolated even if you feel left out or unable to share because your past is so different...being able to truly get your gender reflected back at you permanently is a big roadblock against feelings that you don't belong..

+++++

just saw arbon's post..thats another good way to say the same thing... "not being there" is exactly what i was accused of...

[Brooke Smith]

Sandra, I think you struck a cord many here can relate to. And as Sandra1746 said,for me it is more of a self imposed solitude. Not that I really feel all that lonely,it's just that I keep my gender issues to myself and consciously avoid situations where my chosen attire would be seen as inappropriate.

So when I choose to go the road alone it's not to be anti-social,but rather to have my own space where I can feel true to myself without making waves.

Obviously my thoughts are those of a non-transitioning gender variant person.

[KellyJameson]

For me I have felt great loneliness in the past when I tried to force myself into the role of a heterosexual male opposite a heterosexual female because she will naturally expect me to fill certain expectations that are impossible for me to do.

It is not exactly about sex but something that goes much deeper that than affects sexuality.

This type of loneliness for me is more profound because you are not alone but you feel loneliness.

I realized for myself that transsexuality makes connection with others difficult unless they are intersexed or fall somewhere on the LGBT spectrum.

Those people who describe themselves as always feeling "different" I almost always am able to form connections with, where those who do not feel different I experience as being foreign to me.

If you think about yourself as the sun and all the planets are in orbit around you and these are the relationships in your life and those who are close to you in orbit should be the ones you have the deepest experience of connection with it, this is the connection I refer to.

It goes beyond simple and casual friendship but where you have a "knowing" of this person that is only possible because your mind aligns with theirs in fundamental ways.

We start many relationships based on the body we inhabit but I think this creates problems for many transsexuals because it is difficult to understand how the body can block the relationship.

We end up with people in close orbit around us who we have no way of connecting with.

In my teen years I had great friendships because I did not chose my friends consciously because at that point in my life it was my "natural mind" which is my transsexual mind that was still making all the decisions.

All my friends were like me and all of us were "different" in our own unique ways. We were the misfits of society because each of us inside felt that we were "off" from the norm and we naturally found each other.

I found these friends very easy to love so love was not "work"

The problem for me is when I stopped living "naturally" and started playing a role that I saw everyone else playing.

The more I stepped into this role the more I felt me slipping away and my subconscious violently pulled me back creating extreme tension inside me.

This forced me to consciously face myself and so I checked out of society to learn new ways of adapting to at the time was this "unknown and misunderstood problem"

Now I only feel loneliness when I force myself into relationships that are not "natural" for me to have, based on who I am.

It is my personal belief and this is a very strong belief that to be happy you must embrace being "different" and step out of the world made up of those who are not and go find your own kind.

We are a completely different tribe of people and to survive you must build relations with those who you are related to.

This does not mean you will relate to all people of the transsexual tribe but within that tribe is where your deepest most intense relationships are to be found.

It does not have to be transsexuals but others who are "different" from the "norm"

The "different" are a minority so to avoid loneliness requires more work because you cannot as easily build deep friendship by just bumping into people at the local pub.

You must be very proactive about your loneliness so that you can have the experience of connectivity.

Being different is painful so it can force you into an unnatural introversion from the natural desire and response of protecting oneself from the pain of being rejected, judged and other various painful and frustrating experiences.

It shrinks your world like you are inside a collapsing ballon being suffocated so you must be very strong and fight back to find and create your place in the world.

You can not afford to be passive about your happiness when you are different because different requires much more work but is also much more satisfying.

[sandra-leigh]

Thank you all for the kind replies.

I already have a lot of solitude. But my professional career has been spent working more alone than not, either programming computers directly or using electronic communications to work with a wide variety of people. Last year alone, I answered over 10,000 technical questions by way of computer. My nearest correspondent was 450 miles away, with the majority being overseas. Thank you's are nice, yes, but the (few) people I can just call up and say, "Hey, do you want to hit a movie?" are 1000 miles away.

[Starling]

Me too, everybody. Wonderful "confessions." 'Nuff said.

:) Lallie