Anonymous GG Question--CDs only to answer

[Mimi]

A GG asked me to post this question so she could get the CD point of view:


Why is it that a GM who CDs and is out of the closet regarding CDing, and who has an SO that is totally supportive and accepting, would still want to CD in "private?"

[NathalieX66]

Not enough specific details.
Self loathing? Embarrassment?

A girl that I'm now dating loves me, and knows this side of me, but I'm not sure there is complete parity between us. Yeah, nothing's perfect, I know. I just feel like we are on separate bandwidths, but want her as a life friend.

[Pearl]

i guess it depends on what private means. dressing when the SO isn't there? i do that a lot. (my SO doesn't care, but she is really in my corner.) i don't think of it in that was, as private, i just dress at home most of the time, whether she is there or not. it is private, but if she came home i would be glad to see her.

[aalynn88]

maybe the CD is still afraid of being humiliated or insulted out in public.

[Rachelakld]

If a GG went out regularly for coffee and cake, would that means she's not allowed coffee and cake at home.
Actually, while I like the attention while being out, I prefer to relax at home with wife and kids (plus at home, everyone knows I have hairly legs, so I don't have to hide them like I do when I go out)

[SarahLynn]

Just a guess but i see it as the thrill factor. I would also guess the CD'r is new to the activity and as such still gets a phyical (sexual) thrill from the dressing. And to further my view he is embarressed by that thrill. Or he is just embarressed to dress or be dressed in front of her.

SarahLynn

[JenniferMBlack]

I don't understand the in private part. I mean if your a cd and out with an accepting SO then why would it matter if it is private or public? I am going to answer because you want to dress when you want to dress even if you are staying in. If shes means to sneek around then I have no answer for that, because you wouldn't need to.

[MaryBeth1]

because even with a accepting wife i do it at home and a friends house because if we would go out together and someone recogize us or would say anything she would be embarressed. i'm not in the business of embarassing my wife. i'm passable but i don't risk going out. yes i would love to go out and maybe in the future will do it but for now i'm good at home and a friends house which is my wife's bff. Hope that answer your question.

[savvy_fudge]

It's like anything in life. Just because we can go watch a movie at a theatre doesn't mean we don't watch movies at home. I suppose it can be more comfortable, if you grew up used to hiding it and dressing in private it can be a hard habit to break. I dress sometimes when my SO isn't around, it can be easier, I can do and redo my makeup if I don't like how I look without feeling like I'm ignoring my SO. Hope this helps.

[Laura28]

As a crossdresser who's wife knows ans encourges me i still am more comfortable dressing on my own i travel alot and love being dressed in my hotel room, the SO loves for me to send her pics or we skype . even though she encourges me i still feel a little on edge in front of her i know it is stupid.

[Beverley Sims]

Only guesswork here. I CD all the time, I do not necessarily go out all the time so there is a lot of private dressing.

[Crissy Kay]

I just feel more relaxed, and laid back, when I am dressed alone. Even though its Ok with my SO, I still feel a little odd, being dressed up with her around. That may be the case with other cds who prefer to dress private as well.

[Barbara Ella]

Even with an accepting and supportive spouse, there is that lingering nagging fact that support can be up and down without much warning. You read the threads all the time, and my wife is an example. She went from extremely supportive to DADT quite quickly, and i believe it was because I did too much dressing with her, that should have been done in private. It is not always for show, but for inner peace, and who really knows when too much is too much until after the fact.

Barbara

[Julogden]

Living a life in fear of being "discovered" is hard to completely overcome, so maybe there are insecurity issues?

Carol

[giuseppina]

A thread about the acceptance pendulum can be found here: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?12890-Now-I-Like-It-Now-I-Don-t.

[Melissa Rose]

The question is a little ambiguous as to whether out of the closet means only to the SO at home or out in the mainstream public. Looking at it both ways, several reasons come to mind. The CD may want to dress in a way that is in some manner inappropriate for a public venue, want to wear something they do not feel comfortable wearing in public, or wear something they think will be met by disapproval from the SO. This is not meant to be disrespectful or judgmental, but some CDs gravitate towards sexualized women's fashions often less than appropriate for their age or body (e.g., mini skirts, super high heels, fishnet stockings, gowns, sexy secretary). Private dressing, whether in or out of the SO's presence, is a way to wear these outfits not suitable for public view. There is also the possibility of dressing being sexually stimulating, and it is something the CD feels uncomfortable sharing with the SO. As for going out in public, it could be the reasons already mentioned such as fear, embarrassment, humiliation, etc..

[Eryn]

I'm pretty much the other way around. I usually only dress when I'm going out.

However, I can understand why a CDer might prefer privacy. We have our own internal doubts and fears that must be considered. The SO might be fully supportive and accepting, but sometimes the most difficult acceptance is that within the CDer.

[Frédérique]

A GG asked me to post this question so she could get the CD point of view: Why is it that a GM who CDs and is out of the closet regarding CDing, and who has an SO that is totally supportive and accepting, would still want to CD in "private?"

Maybe the GM CD respects the “supportive” SO, and secretly distrusts her alleged acceptance. I know I would. To me, “totally supportive and accepting” is a recipe for disaster. I’m not saying it can’t happen, but I would be suspect. Also, MtF crossdressing does not require participation from a SO (IMHO), so he, the GM, may wish to cultivate his own “space” for crossdressing – if it came about under secretive circumstances, he may feel more comfortable within those parameters...

It’s a fragile situation, I think. The wrong word at the wrong time, or a tell-tale facial expression, could end the relationship. She may be doing all he can to placate his crossdressing desires simply because she needs him, but what if he morphs into something she cannot accept? His privacy may be his way of keeping the relationship intact – he needs her, in other words...
:straightface:

[Cheryl T]

Since my SO is fully supportive and we go out all the time together doing everything, why would it be unusual for me to dress at home???
When she became comfortable with it she told me I could dress anytime I please and I do. Every day when I come home from work I change and I spend most weekends dressed. This is "private", but no different then if I was about to go out....and this way I am ready at a moments notice should we need to go somewhere for something. I don't understand the problem here....

[andrea lace]

Its my first alone time and yes I am dressed. I do dress in front of my wife and today is the first time I have dressed on my own I suppose it doesn't matter to me either way. The only difference is that I don't get any GG tips.

[Joanne f]

There is the possibility for several different answers to this so I do not know if it is fair to guess without more information but you might have a clue for the reason by simply looking at the type of clothing that is being worn when dressing in private , as the more sexually visual type of clothing may mean it is for a different reason than if it is just more in the way of every day type of clothing as most people use different clothing for different reasons but as I say it is only a guess and the only way you will really know is to ask and hope that you get a truthful answer.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Mimi, It's the feeling of guilt and the shame of dressing.

[2B Natasha]

I'm pretty much the other way around. I usually only dress when I'm going out.

However, I can understand why a CDer might prefer privacy. We have our own internal doubts and fears that must be considered. The SO might be fully supportive and accepting, but sometimes the most difficult acceptance is that within the CDer.

I agree here completely. I'm the same. The only time I dress in private is when the wife is out and about and I am wearing a skirt. Most of the time I have it on before she leaves and still on when she comes back. I wear it more like a robe or pj's. I'm not going to go full girly mode just for the sake of doing it. Unless I'm trying to figure out outfits. Even that I do with her to throw ideas out there and get feed back.

While I believe each there own. I do not dress in private. I find it boring.

[ambigendrous]

I'm one of those, I guess. My darling wife is supportive of me and has absolutely no issues seeing me all dolled up. But, she has asked that our kids and grandkids not be a part of this part of my life, and that I don't go out in public. I fully accept those limitations without reservation. I'm perfectly happy being able to dress any way I want at home, any time I want, and since I sport a beard and moustache that I've had for over 40 years I won't be able to blend in out there anyway it doesn't bother me a bit. I underdress almost daily anyway so I guess you could say I do it "in private", although my wife is indeed part of my "private" life.

[~Joanne~]

For me, It's because I am not ready for the whole world to know especially because it's full of closed minded people. It's not really that I "want to" still be private, it's more like I "have to". When I over come a few fears that still linger, and I reach the point where I just don't care anymore or it becomes more acceptable, then I will be able to truly be myself.

For the record, My SO has never been anything but acceptable and supporting and wouldn't have a problem with others knowing, it's all on me right now. I don't have a problem with keeping this private at this time.

[Petra_Briar]

I am with Miss Joanne on this, the rest of the world could be something this person is not ready to face. If you are not ready to have the world know, then staying in a private setting may be the best option in this persons mind. The reason not to go public is for th ereasons everyone else has written about.

[Jenniferathome]

I take this to mean that rather than SHARE the experience with her, the man still dresses privately. In that case, it is shame or embarrassment. He does not have the confidence to face up to what he really is, a cross dresser, in front of his wife. It would be a way to cope with the fear of, "I'm not the man she married." When of course, he is!

[Maria S]

It is a big but well worthwhile step for a CDer to take the plunge and go out being away from his comfort zone.

Maria

[StephanieDragg]

I am most comfortable in womens clothes, I adore going out and doing my shopping, meeting people,dinner, whatever, fully dressed... my family does know I dress, so I am very far from closeted, but I also enjoy just having alone time at home so if the house is empty at times I may still get fully dolled up in something just to lounge around in my leisure, enjoy a movie, cook, whatever

[MsJanessa]

I not really sure what the problem is. Why can't a CD who is out of the closet and dresses in public also dress in private? Am I missing something here? Most CDs dress because we like wearing womens clothes, makeup etc---whether in public, private or both. Think of it like eating a meal--sometimes we like to go out to a nice restaurant with others, sometimes we like to eat at home by ourselves---nothing wrong with either.

[GondorRachel]

I have not read the other responses so as to not sway my thinking. Like GGs, we can be a bit sensitive about how we look, and may not feel comfortable presenting in front of other people, even those that love and support us. It could also be a desire to not be the center of attention, which is what would invariably occur, IMHO. I do not have an SO at this time, so I cannot speak to your point with my own experiences, but those are my thoughts on the matter.

[Dena]

He may prefer to socialize as a guy.

Myself, I put in a significant effort to try to "pass". Once I got a handle on which colors and styles to wear, and colors and application of makeup and hair. I found I liked being recognized as male.

[VickiTheGamer]

For me, I grew up being drilled that that any Heterosexual guy that dresses as a girl is messed up in the head. I still remember trying to see where my family is at on these subjects and how intensely BADLY they responded to it. Same for my best friend. Pretty much all the people I grew up closest to would be more comfortable seeing CD's removed from society. As my mom put it once. "Men who dress up as women are sick and should be shot".

So, even though my SO (or Girl Friend as I prefer to see her) is comfortable with it, I am not ready to face the music and share with the world (which leads to a new topic of my own that I will post one of these times).

[Teddie]

I don't CD in private. Some times my SO is here and sometimes she isn't. She's still better at doing my makeup then I am, and loves doing it.

[Raychel]

CDing has been engrained into my soul as being wrong,
Being taught from a very young age that boys clothes are for boys and girls clothes are for girls.
Society supports that somewhat, there are certain places where it may be OK to just be your self
But on a whole, steping out the door can be a very frightening thing.

I have had enough stresses in my life, I don't really need to add a stress just because I like something.
Stay private and save the issues and possible ridicule.

[sometimes_miss]

Just a guess but i see it as the thrill factor. I would also guess the CD'r is new to the activity and as such still gets a phyical (sexual) thrill from the dressing. And to further my view he is embarressed by that thrill. Or he is just embarressed to dress or be dressed in front of her. SarahLynn
See, I see the opposite. The crossdresser continues to crossdress because it simply feels natural to do so, thrill or no thrill. Perhaps he dresses in private because he feels too much pressure to be better looking than he's able to when in front of his SO.

[jenni_xx]

Cassandra, I don't understrsand why you would turn it around and ask the questions that you have.

Is there any social stigma attached to a woman playing the guitar. If so, then please explain to me what it is. If not, then how does it it work as an analogy.

Yet you still answered your own question nonetheless. You wrote: "answer: enjoyment, practice, relaxation, recharging, exploring"

You then say "take your pick". Is it one, or all of those? Or are all your choices those which encompass your reasons for dressing? If the latter, then maybe for others it is only some of what you say, none of what you say, all of what you say, or more than what you say. So how does your guitar player fit in to that?

As for your final sentence, I disagree completely. Art form? We're artists? I think that's quite offensive actually. One that implies that we're putting on a show. There will be many who only feel the need to dress for themselves, not as spectacle, not to express to others their inner selves, but rather as a form of self-expression intent for the eyes of only the beholder. That does not make an artist, nor does it automatically equate to it being an art form.

You may retort that certain artists feel that way - in that they will never present their work in the public sphere. But I would still disagree. For many, it will remain a lifetime commitment to what they want to do without the need, nor necessity, of acceptance from others. For many, it will be a personal expression of their inner selves, with no need to externally express that to the outer world. (I hear you - some artists may still feel that way so the analogy still applies). But it falls short for me, in the very sense that the canvas in which such people paint is not themselves, but something external to themselves. They may think that they are expressions themselves through their work, but rarely, if ever, will they become that particular work of art themselves.

And the ones that do? They are the ones who express it to the world, irrespective of the social consequences.

[LeannL]

If I understand the question, the CDer is out and the GG wants to know why the CDer dresses in private (at home, with or without her there?).

The reason why we crossdress transcends the location. When the female side of us needs validation, she needs it. We may stop ourselves from doing it where it could be embarrassing but I don't know why we would not do it when there is little or no reason not to.

Leann

[NatalieBliss]

Great question! Thanks for asking!

Quick bio for perspective: I am not totally out of the closet in regards to dressing, however I have ventured out in public a few times. Including outings with each my previous two ex-girlfriends.

Even for the "totally out" in regards to dressing there is still a matter of personal safety. Not to mention there is often a heightened possibility for embarrassing situations. I am sure there are a bunch more on this path...

But not all reasons for an 'out dresser' to dress private are negative.

It is also something to do. In my experience, both personal and as a society, it's a relaxing and/or escape thing. Maybe you play a video game. Maybe you practice make-up. That is to say; Sometimes the benefit is the act, not the audience.

Some rapid fire responses would be: Lazy. I don't feel pretty. Broke.

Hope that is helpful! :)

[Melanie Martin]

I dress all the time having come out of the closet. However the only difference I feel is that when I am dressed for my boyfriend it is to please him and make him happy. My attitude is slightly different when in private as I use that 'Me' time to experiment and change my behaviour and learn how to be more feminine. It's something I find easier to do in private time as there are no distractions - unless I'm doing some online shopping at the same time lol!!

Melanie

[flatlander_48]

My history is that of a bisexual with more male partners than female. However, that was largely situational as I believe my attractions to be close to 50/50. Relationship history is married, divorced and current married. Present wife has known about me completely from the beginning and is very supportive. I'm a member of our LBGT affinity group at work and am out as a bisexual to the group (about 15 people) and to some personal friends (3). However, I am not out as a crossdresser to anyone other than my wife and 2 friends. I live in a small town of about 11,000 and it is dominated by my company. It may be more rare to go out and NOT see someone that you know from work.

While I underdress nearly all the time, I have only been out fully dressed once some years ago. Present wife (before we were married) and I went to a university campus to see Rocky Horror Picture Show and then on to a gay bar for Halloween celebrations. All this was about 45 miles from my home. In the grand scheme of things, I don't believe that I am all that passable, so I don't choose to just get dressed and go out. It would have to be very particular circumstances, but unfortunately that bar that we went to is not longer a gay bar.

Many weekends I will dress completely from the neck down. It is always a unique situation to feel your boobs bounce or hear the whisk of pantyhose. My wife likes it when I dress, so there's no negative impact (other than pushing the envelope regarding my wardrobe budget!). Anyway, dressing at home keeps me connected with my other self and that's a good thing!