Stepping out of your comfort zone

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Just a thought i had reading some posts lately.. i was thinking about living how recently i've been living inside my own self imposed comfort zone...

whether its the first therapy session, the first hotel check in to live just one day as a woman, the first "Decision", the talk with a friend in the early days, even the first post is THIS section...

or the tell the boss, start HRT, go to electrolysis, trip to the market, mall or movie as yourself, letting your hair grow and getting more androgynous in the middle part..

or actually meeting people and talking to them, buying a bra for your b cups, showing up for work, showing up in court for a name change, possibly experimenting and considering your true sexuality and of course showing up for incomprehensible surgeries that include getting the bones on your face taken off or your body parts getting filleted like veal(ewwww..) in the later days of transition

and maybe what prompted me to say this, and something i'm realizing lately is stepping out after transition and really really accepting that you really did it, you are a woman, and you deserve to be one...this is something that despite my blabbing i've had alot of issues with...

over the 3 years since my ffs..i've met a lot of people, but i really never tried very hard to make new female friends or date ...

i'm realizing lately that i've become more inner focused, sometimes that's good in some ways.....practicing guitar, day trading, being with my kids..catching up on movies etc...and i have some very close wonderful friends but they are cd's and tg's.....and when i've met women such as their wives, i have a nagging feeling of inadequacy...

recently i signed up for a mindfulness meditition class...its about 30 folks..men and women... and outside of couples, it was obvious the girls kind of sit together, the guys sit together for the most part...after a couple sessions i had a thought of how nice it felt to be with the girls..how i was treated and last week it was special because i guess i said some stuff in the previous week when we "shared" that some of the women really connected with....me??? lil ole me??? i felt very good (affirmed?? i connected with these women w/o trying).. it hit me that this is somehting i was missing...i realized how comfortable i was in my day to day and altho it cut out some stress it was causing me to miss out... days later it feels like a big deal to me in my own life...a really good thing...

so my long point is that no matter where you are today, or what happened yesterday..one of the most important things we can do to create PROGRESS for ourselves is stepping out of the comfort zone...this probably applies to everyone, but given how many difficult steps we take, its most important for us..even getting shot down can be progress...learning is progress even if its learning to deal with a rejection or setback..

what have you done recently that was a big step out of your own comfort zone??
what can you do in the near future??

[Shapeshiffter]

Alot there to think about. Thank you.

[Laurie Ann]

Kaitlyn as usual a very thought provoking post. I have found myself retreating into a shell more and more not able to move forward. The concept of stepping outside my comfort zone is appealing but very illusive for me right now.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

altho i mentioned specific things, its really about EVERYTHING.....even changing your internal dialog is out of a comfort zone...i think its on my mind because of this meditation course..

there was a thread about getting lost in dypshoria....it can actually feel comfortable to stay trapped at some points... maybe its cozy in the giant hole..

but as ts folk, it can be very problematic and something that you don't really notice when you are evaluating where you are in life...you make assumptions about "the way it is" and you don't challenge things...

so many times i read..."i can't" "i won't" "i'll never be able to", "i dont think i can", "i'll never.."... I feel that I have done that alot over the course of my life...and it took many things i never ever thought i could do to feel like i was even living a real life..

[Anne2345]

Fantastic post, Kaitlyn! Except for one thing - veal. I will never look at veal the same after reading your analogy. And damn you, I liked veal! Sigh . . . .

As for comfort zones, I am in the first real comfort zone I have been in for a long, long time. And I am quickly becoming uncomfortable with it. I need to keep moving forward, and I recognize this.

Soooo, taking advice you have given me several times before in the past, I am going out this Monday to a TS support group meeting. Even better, I will be meeting a friend from this forum in person for the very first time! She will be the first forum friend I have met in person, and I am super excited!! And a little nervous, too, to be honest! But all in a good way! :-)

[StaceyJane]

I've been stuck in a comfort zone for awhile. I've done so much but moving forwards seems really tough.

[Michelle.M]

Just a thought i had reading some posts lately.. i was thinking about living how recently i've been living inside my own self imposed comfort zone...

Your post is rather timely for me as this is a topic that has come up lately in some of the circles in which I travel.

Our discussions have been relative to transition selfishness. Now, before I go further, that word need not have a negative connotation in this context. The transition process is, by nature and of necessity, a selfish process. Nobody will ever present a package to you and tell you they have your transition all mapped out, so just sign here and leave a deposit and we'll get you started.

Nope! You gotta grab this thing by the tail and devote all of your time and energy and thought to it. And this selfishness causes us to be extremely introspective and somewhat oblivious to the real world.

It's like having training wheels on your first bicycle. Necessary and useful at first, but at some point further growth will require you to take them off and find your balance and ride freely.

That we eventually get to the point where we contemplate this dynamic is fabulous! This is a very important part of our development as whole persons. It's really the very same thing as when children begin to mature and become more outward-looking and thus learn to become well-adjusted young adults. Regrettably, some trans folks remain cocooned in their own world for too long and this simply hinders their development and transition. It's sad, but I see it happen.

This is the whole point of RLE. This is where we Experience Real Life and all that it means. We experiment with new things. We join book discussion groups (not TS book discussion groups), take yoga classes (not TS yoga classes), go to nightclubs (not TS nightclubs) and make friends who are mainstream folks and not just trans friends.

Oh, sure, I have trans friends, but I have many more who are not. I haven't been to an LGBT-friendly nightclub in years. I attend a mainstream church, get my hair done in a popular local salon and do everything that any other woman my age would do.

My goal from the moment I began my transition was to integrate into mainstream society as a woman and to be perceived by everyone as just another ordinary woman.


what have you done recently that was a big step out of your own comfort zone?? what can you do in the near future??

From the day I began my RLE I aggressively sought to undertake experiences that were simultaneously ordinary and yet intentionally as far out of my comfort zone as possible. I joined a church and now serve on 2 committees there. I began to date, and surprisingly what started out as a simple experiment has blossomed into a full-blown relationship, and a very close and satisfying one. I've been invited to join a women's professional group. I go to Zumba classes, I go places where I can meet new people and I share normal social activities with my new friends. We go to lunch, we go shopping together and we do anything that any average person does.

For me, the method is simple. Identify something I want to do and just go do it. In this way I have found that many things I previously thought were off limits to me until later in my transition (ie: when I'm post-op) really aren't. I discovered I could rock a bikini and I go to the pool and swim whenever I want to. I started modeling. I date a gorgeous cisgender heterosexual man. I live the life I want to, and with every little successful Real Life Experience I've discovered that anything I want to do is easily within my grasp, and my only limits are those I impose on myself.

[stefan37]

Personally for me I have steadily been operating out of my comfort zone and as such I do become more comfortable.
I have been telling more of my friends and family I am transsexual and actively transitioning. I have begun wearing more female attire around my employees including female flat soled female shoes. I play around with my voice more and have begun answering and talking on my phone to business clients and other folks in that way. I went to the store the other day and purchased a B cup push up bra and informed the SA it was for me. Last summer I purchased a nice sundress and wedge heels and told the sa i would like to try them on. I have met some members from this forum in person and have been introduced to another. I try to push myself to move out of my comfort level realizing I will have to confront the issues we encounter at some point in time.
Even with the progress I know i am making, I feel as if I am treading water. I no longer can relate to being male yet I am a far way from being perceived as female. I get anxious reading about those of us further along than myself, or even worse those that have stayed with their wives or partners and my relationship is evolving in a different way.
I have this feeling I am treading water and not moving forward and that tends to cause anxiety even though I know I am making progress.

The one thing I fear most and Kaitlyn touched on it is trading one closet for another. By that I mean acknowledging my transition and acting on it, yet having friends and socializing with only trans centric folks, Do not misunderstand my comment, I truly am blessed to have met those that are more advanced and I thoroughly enjoy the time I interact whether it is in person or by text. But the very fact I have openly contacted and met transitioned or actively transitioning individuals and more importantly acknowledging it to my family was a huge leap outside my comfort zone and one I am very happy to report has been huge success for me and I value their friendship all the more as a result. Contacting a support group and attending meetings informing my wife I was going also went outside my comfort zone.

[Traci Elizabeth]

All of those accomplishment you list are typical of what we go through during our transition.

For myself, connecting with other females came years prior to sans penis. But as you know I had my SRS October 11th and since then that connection to other women has become much stronger. So I can very well relate to how wonderful it is to have girlfriends who ONLY know you as another woman and having us connect emotionally. It doesn't get better than that.

[Anne2345]

so many times i read..."i can't" "i won't" "i'll never be able to", "i dont think i can", "i'll never.."... I feel that I have done that alot over the course of my life...and it took many things i never ever thought i could do to feel like i was even living a real life..

I am certainly guilty of writing such things here about a great deal many things.

My modus operandi was "I can't, I won't, it's impossible, I never will." But invariably, by necessity, I would take that next step, and do whatever it was that I previously thought was beyond me or my cirumstances. Then the next round of "I can't, I won't, it's impossible, I never will" would begin, and the game would continue on without mercy or relief.

Now, though, after learning many difficult lessons along the way, I no longer think in terms of "I can't, I won't, it's impossible, I never will." It's pointess, and serves no legitimate purpose. I mean, how many times does a person have to prove herself wrong before she wakes up to the truth of life? Life is what we make of it it. We can do anything we choose to do. There may be consequences, but that is true of any decisions we make, regardless.

It's funny, but I used to blame society and an unforgiving and hostile world for holding me back. I no longer do so. Instead, I recognize now that if anyone is at fault, it's me for allowing my own fear to dictate and control the terms and direction of my previous life.

So who knows what I can or can't do? Only time shall tell, but I'm not taking anything off the table anymore like I used to do. Forward I shall continue to move, as there is no other direction to go.

And yeah, y'all told me so . . . . :straightface:

[Jorja]

I understand your trepidation about putting yourself out there. As much as FFS and SRS does to make us look and feel like women, there is the mental aspect to it. This is usually the hardest part to overcome for the newly "changed" woman. Myself, I have always been a social butterfly. I am able to talk to anyone at anytime about anything. So it was just a natural progression for me.

Think about joining a women's club. Become active in your kids school PTA. Anything to brake the cycle or "comfort zone" you seem to be stuck in. It is just like anything else, one step at a time. You will not progress if you do not challenge yourself to move forward. The biggest piece of advice I can give is to relax and be yourself the other women don't bite..... much.

[arbon]

what have you done recently that was a big step out of your own comfort zone??
what can you do in the near future??

Last October I was the chair woman for a small weekend convention of about 400 people from around the state. For me that was HUGE! Getting up in front of all those people and being out in front all weekend was way, way out of my comfort zone because I am an extremely shy person plus being so early in transition in an environment where lots of people used to know me as male - it was interesting :) but I was very proud of myself for doing it. It was one of the best weekends of my life.

More recently I will be a volunteer for one of the most prestigious conferences for writers this summer, do stuff for my church, yesterday was asked to be on an ad hoc committee for another organization I am part of, this weekend going skiing with some girlfriends and my daughter....life is pretty good :)

[sandra-leigh]

In the early fall, it became appropriate to tell a professional colleague that I am trans. That was hard. I have not been coming out professionally. "On the Internet, no-body knows you're a dog."

[KellyJameson]

I do not like body pain and I have a low pain threshold, plus everytime I get surgery I figure I'm not going to wake up so each surgery is like intentionally stepping off the ledge of a very tall building and falling into space.

Literally everytime it happens I go into it accepting my own death.

I spent much of my childhood since the age of three in hospitals getting "fixed" so even the smell of a hospital triggers a panic attack. I have an intense fear of surgery but need more.

I think this preoccupies my mind so much that everything else pales in comparison.

I also can see myself always living in what I refer to as the transgendered underground where all or most of your life is made up of others in your own circumstances or being alone.

Sitting with woman as a woman is beyond my comprehension.

I know I will never feel like a woman in relation to other woman but always the "misfit" in relation to everyone else.

Perhaps this is terrible but it does not feel terrible.

I want to be accepted not by social inclusion so much as acknowledgement of my soul that changing my body reflects.

I want to be seen for me.

I marvel at and applaud those who are able to disappear into the world as woman but I will never be one of those. That takes a strength far beyond my own capacities.

My comfort zone will always be about survival at the most primitive level so surviving is expanding my comfort zone.

[LeaP]

Small things, small steps. Recently, interviewing therapists for my wife, as she wants someone independent to talk with ... and identifying myself as a MtF transsexual. Pushing my margins of honesty and disclosure at home. Reaching OUT more at home. Things as simple as dropping my guard when talking to people. All small things to break my self-imposed prison. It already does not feel like enough, but is a start.

Have you considered, Kaitlyn, that you might be naturally more of a home body than you projected in your pre-transition life?

(and fortunately, I DON'T like veal ...)

[CharleneT]

All of those accomplishment you list are typical of what we go through during our transition.

For myself, connecting with other females came years prior to sans penis. But as you know I had my SRS October 11th and since then that connection to other women has become much stronger. So I can very well relate to how wonderful it is to have girlfriends who ONLY know you as another woman and having us connect emotionally. It doesn't get better than that.

I love Traci's reply. Mine is similar in some ways - for me finishing up small surgeries has basically ended "transition". I thought I would have more FFS. So far, just Rhino. But living, being this transwoman ... well, that is all I need. Sure I could look better, but honestly I don't run into probs as I am now. Most people I meet do not know of my past and do not seem to guess at it ? ( or do not care, I don't care which ). I go to work, I date, when lucky I get intimate, I go to whatever events I want to do. I model for artists (nude), go protests, get jobs .. whatever... I do all the things I want to do. THAT's more than I could have ever hoped for. During most of my transition I kept thinking "... if I can just be the town tranny, that would be ok...". Turns out life can be a lot more. So in a way, everything I do is step farther out. What is really exciting about it is I don't yet know how far I can step out ?? I now believe anything is possible. I am losing the fear of discovery and starting to just "be me". Kate'sBack was right, the real work is after the surgeries. The real work is just living a life. The real reward is also that, which turns out to be very cool ;)

{sorry, I think I tilted off a bit here}

[Kathryn Martin]

What most people consider to be transition is physical transition. I spent years having my genitals communicated back to me in a way that completely disregarded who I was. In the grand genetic lottery I am fortunate. I have had no surgery except SRS, I just don't need it. My brows are fine, so it my chin, so are my boobs. My hands are delicate and so are my arms, I have legs to my armpits, am relatively hairless except where it counts. All of these things including SRS are necessary so that the world has a chance to communicate with me, not the lie I was. It is the outermost layer of who I am.

I have, without purposely doing so always behaved like a woman would. But having been born disfigured I received all of the conditioning that boys, men in our society receive. I was privileged, strangely enough because my body lied about me. It was at times a cause for bewilderment for me because the people I most identified with, my kins-people were women, and they did not receive the same treatment I did. I found it difficult to understand because while I felt the same as them, I received preference and often it was hard not to take what was offered.

One of the most striking changes I have experienced is that I am in fact treated like other women now. I do get talked down to by men, ideas of others (men) are preferred over mine, extraordinary efforts I undertake are no longer receive praise as they used to, and I am patted on the head and silenced much more often even though I am no less than before. While there is a very negative connotation in this, as it happened it became an indicator of how much my place in this world has changed and I embrace it. It is one example. There are others, conversations with my friends (most of them women born women) have taken on a different flavor and character. It is not something that can be easily described. It will happen for you or it will not. I am listening and silent when men talk and I keep my own counsel.

There is nothing to discover about me. I have a medical history; and in many ways every person has a medical history. It is neither interesting or relevant. I transitioned in place and everyone knows. The real work was not my physical transition, not the hormones or the surgery, it is that dissolution and disrobing from this false conditioned privilege which was never mine. It is other things I am not prepared to speak about, even more important but losing your privilege is the first work that you must undertake or you will forever be trans-something.

Transitioning did not and could not involve a withdrawal into "things I like to do" or retirement for me. The day after I transitioned I had to meet clients, appear before the court, make phone calls and all the other things a busy professional has to do in the course of a day. Stepping out of my comfort zone, you ask? What is a comfort zone I ask back, other then leading my own life. What is comfort to me, you ask? Being self aware and becoming the best human being I can, each day, every day.

[Nicki S]

Wow Kathryn, that was well written and you brought up many good points, as did the rest of the other women above. I am not as far advanced as the contributors to this thread, but my day for SRS is < 60 days now, and as earlier said, begins my transition.
It is a shame that Kateback is no longer on here. She brought up many valid points and she also received a lot of grief for her rough presentation of her perspective on being a transwoman. But repeatedly, I see reference to her and her views. She was right!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

The real work is just living a life. The real reward is also that, which turns out to be very cool ;)

{sorry, I think I tilted off a bit here}

not at all!!...altho i wouldn't be part of the katesback admiration club myself...

I totally agree.! The real reward is real life itself and how it feels truthful and fulfilling in a wonderful and surprising way..
its interesting that its a very difficult reward to describe because it really is just that simple and just that powerful..

as kathryn says being the best person you can be is its own reward but that's not possible for transsexuals until they embrace who they are fully and completely and do something about it..

and lea yes i'm a homebody...that's kind of my point...after a long stressful career, i was burned out, i was a homebody that worked 60-80hr weeks all over the world..ugh...i transitioned...i settled into to my reverie...i feel great, and i've felt great for years....but i did this one little thing that at first i avoided and found out very quickly that i was missing out on something... a new way to experience that ideal of living out my fully authentic life...it kind of made me think of that whole "being lost in dyshphoria" thread and how people can wander around the issue for years and years and the problem just becomes them...if you see yourself in that statement, then the answer is take a break and do something..anything!!!...

its interesting because the aim of the op was at folks that felt stuck ...there is alots of great feedback from folks that are decidedly not stuck and how when you look back it can seem so effortless(Even tho its not!!) and when you look forward it can seem so hard

[Kathryn Martin]

its interesting because the aim of the op was at folks that felt stuck ...there is alots of great feedback from folks that are decidedly not stuck and how when you look back it can seem so effortless(Even tho its not!!) and when you look forward it can seem so hard

Looking forward seems so hard because we feel overwhelmed by the social implications and physical mountains (hormones, SRS and if indicated FFS) we have to climb. Yet those things are just the foundation on which the real transition can be built. It is the burning of the bridge. But between the river and the city on the hill where your destiny lies is the no mans land of trans-ness. And in this place is where the many get stranded and few are able to traverse. Like the basket of crabs from which hardly ever any crabs escape this no mans land is filled with scrambling, cloying, and escape is almost impossible. It is the place where everyone keeps talking about their history and how it defines who they are. And where everyone yells to everyone you are just like me, so stay here. And in the indecision to finally climb over the edge of the basket, escape the no man land the lives are thrown away. What people describe as transition here is nothing compared to that morass.

There is nothing effortless about laying the foundation or transitioning or traversing the no mans land. Being stuck may be your only protection against what is to come. If you cannot take your heart in your hand and step on that road, and never lose sight of where you belong, don't even try, not even a little. It will be too hard for you.

[stefan37]

I understand a lot of things I have done in the past few months are what we need to do as we transition. As true as that may be they are still tasks that take us out of our comfort zones. i remember the first year after getting both ears pierced 3 years ago or wearing colored nail polish around the same time. Being male and doing those was a period of extreme self consciousness for me. It took a lot of courage on my part to break through that barrier, not unlike many of the mental barriers I am facing today after 56 years of male socialization. I am feeling I am in a place right now where in many respects i feel stagnated, and my progress is at a snail pace. It is also very very hard to fight through the many emotions that plague my days as I contemplate a life without my wife as it is now, and to be truthful it is really the only fear I have left as I transition. I know we will survive this and our relationship will move forward and she is still figuring out her place in all of this.
I know in my heart I am making the right decision for me as I experience positive events outweighing any negative ones.
When those that know me and ask what is different and why am I so happy and what is the reason for the change I just tell them there are some really positive events going on in my life at the moment, and if they are close enough to me I will disclose that I am actively transitioning. So far I have received positive feedback from many friends and those few business clients I have told. Everybody has to live their own life and figure out how best to move along. I honestly would have never thought I would be where I am today. I always thought I would die wanting to change genders, never having the courage or resolve to attempt transitioning. I always believed my family would have had to died or I would have had to move far away.
Well none of that has happened and I find I have a renewed sense of existence and can be a better person for them. My relationship with my wife is evolving and the dynamics of it have changes. What will happen in the future we do not know. We take every day as it comes and I tell her I cherish every moment I have with her. I have walked to the edge of the cliff and looked down and jumped anyway. I am still falling but the descent has slowed and I believe with my increased zest for life and the positive energy it has provided that I will eventually have a soft landing and walk away a changed individual for the betterment of my business, and personal life.

[kimdl93]

Kaitlyn, I can attest to the value in stepping out of one's comfort zone. Each step, either coming out to a friend or loved one, or taking the initial tentative ventures into the public, has been a challenge. I was prepared for the worst on each occassion, but my friends, my family and the world outside have all surprised me. Sure, there have been some uncomfortable moments, but by and large, coming out has been incredibly liberating. I feel so much more confident in myself for having pushed the envelope.

[Nicole Erin]

I guess still working past the whole "worrying what people think, they might laugh" bit.
Sometimes I have bad weeks where I get called "he" non-stop and even laughed at. And christ, people are like really loud about how entertained they are by the tranny.

[docrobbysherry]

Great thread, Kaitlyn! I believe you're either growing and living, or putting the walls up and preparing to die!

Since I'm really old here, I shouldn't be blazing new CD territory. But, I started late. So, I can either start packing up my things to prepare for the BIG SLEEP, or do CD things that scare(d) the crap out of me!

The older u get, the more u want to be comfortable. But, I've found that when u stretch and do things out of that zone, the rewards r greater, too!

We'll ALL be dead soon enuff! Don't waste the time u have! Do the most uncomfortable things u've dreamed about! Most of u won't be sorry!