I finally figured myself out ! Thank You for all your support

[sweetjessica]

Hi All,

It has been a month since I posted. And I confess to have been a lurker of these forums for the last month. However, I feel I am again ready to post, as my little world around me feels - for the first time in my life - as if it is full of hope and I can really achieve anything I put my mind to.

I had began my HRT journey on December 15. I was scared and happy at the same time. Serious doubts about my transition, really began to creep in around the mid of 2-3 weeks. I discussed this issue with my therapist. But the only advice she could give me was - "Think deep within yourself, and ask your heart if you really want to go back." The thinking is exactly what I did, and needed. I would often space out for hours simply thinking about my life, my past, my present, and the choices I have made. The spacing out and my head so full of thoughts hurt me everyday. But, at least my silent reflection helped me stay away from my bouts of frustration and anger. In one of these fits I was feeling so helpless and angry over my situation, that I smashed my full length mirror.

The only way that I could now look at myself (if I wanted to) was if I clicked snaps. It was one snap that I clicked a few days back that cleared all my doubt. It was like a gush of wind that cleared all the black clouds and my days since have become sunny all over again. I have absolutely no doubts in my mind about who I am. Yes, I was assigned male, but I truly now know that it is a lie. Yes, I am a girl, I have always been female in my mind, heart, and soul. I have absolutely no doubt about this. And yes, about the question that my therapist asked me - my answer is a resounding "NO", I don't want to go back, I just cannot.

In the words of Bon Jovi:

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)

As for that snap which changed my life, it is right here attached with this post. My apologies for hiding my face, as I am yet to come out to many folks around me. But, yes this is me, it's Jessi. She is finally coming out of her cocoon. This single picture made me realize how much I have changed over the last two months. From losing 24 pounds (~10 kgs) to softening of my skin, to my favorite and most amazing - the start of my breasts really beginning to develop.

I am finally becoming me.

Luv you all - Jessi

PS - have attached my pics at months. I wanted to attach my before pic as well, but the sight of it repulsed me, so I deleted it.

[JohnH]

Welcome to the wonderful influence of HRT. If you are anything like me you will feel much better about yourself.

With my experience with HRT I have not found it necessary to transition totally to being female. I have been on HRT for 16 months. I have a softening of my skin, development of breasts, and above all, I got rid of the ugly male smell.

Oddly enough I don't feel the urge so much to dress as a woman other than my nightgown when I go to bed. I do wear a 40 B underwire bra, lipstick, and have a femme haircut, but publicly I wear standard men's clothes and underpants.

John

[sandra-leigh]

Going back...

Before HRT, I was a mess, suffering from near compulsions to wear forms when I could, push my dressing further at work, go out to lots of places dressed, take more and more risks. A couple of times I have compared it to the old Jiffy Pop Popcorn (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jiffy_Pop), just an explosion of internal pressures that were battering me around, forcing me to expand but barely being contained.

After a bit of HRT, I calmed way way down. There was, for example, no compulsion about not hiding my developing breasts at work, or going out lots of places dressed: it just became my day to day reality, and "If people don't like it, screw them."

As the internal pressure went away, it was like turning off the stove on the Jiffy Pop. The female was still there and contained inside me, it just wasn't exploding out anymore. But without that big outward force, the inward force starts becoming a problem. Social pressures. Relationship pressures. Worry about how I am going to get a job and what mode I should use when I do that, and whether I should change my name before that, and ...

With those kinds of inward pressures and with the outward pressures muted, it becomes easy to mentally backslide, to start thinking it would be easier to go back to male, and to think about how maybe it wouldn't be so bad "this time".

When I think about that, though, then especially when I think about working and being in "male mode" at work, and having to go through hiding myself there, and having to get to know all the nearby public washrooms and alley-ways that I can change modes in... when I think about that, I quickly get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I know that I can't do that anymore, and my eyes start to water, and I know then that I can't go back. Gods help me, but I can't. Going to an interview in a skirt scares me a heck of a lot less than trying to live like that again.

[allesha10]

Good for you Girl, you keep going, and keep us updated on how you are doing.