The Real Me

[AnneB1nderful]

I've been bottled up inside for such a long time, that once I let the Anne out of the bottle, it was like such an explosion of my feminine character. Kinda like in the Disney Movie Aladdin and the Geanie (Robin Williams) pops out with song, dance and incredible color and theatrics of amazement. But, I still have to keep my wits about me. I can't get so overwhelmed that I lose sense of reality and who I really am.

I've got a new therapist. While waiting for my therapist, I find myself thumbing thru pages of fashion magazines (first time ever!!!). And, I'm really interested. I mean before I used to be drawn to the beautiful women on the covers. But now, I was really interested in the fashions. Clothing patterns and styles...color coordinations...makeup...etc. I was engrossed!!!

When my new therapist finally arrives, she's profusely apologizing. She made this appointment outside her normal schedule and completely forgot about it. I wasn't upset. I got to learn some new fashion tips. So, we go thru introductions and jump right in. However, in the middle of our session, she states, "By the way, Anne. You do a terrific job with your makeup and clothing selection. I mean you blend in very well. Most of the t-girls I see, are no where near the feminine sophistication you present. They wear too much makeup or very gaudy/flamboyant jewelry and makeup." My first therapist said something very similar. The thing that makes these comments so important is that they are coming from someone that is supposed to help you discover the most inner parts of who you are. Not try to influence you into being something you're not supposed to be. So, to have both therapists say this is a HUGE validation as to who I really am.

So many things are coming naturally to me. Makeup, mannerisms, voice, walk, clothing, accessories, etc. I really love being a girl. The thing I've been fighting since I was a child. This is who I am.

Here are a couple of threads I've posted that may help describe why I've gotten where I am so quickly:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?184918-Anne-s-Debut-to-the-Real-World&highlight=

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?186271-Unexpected-Development/page3

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?187477-New-Year-New-Hair-New-Resolve&highlight=

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?189046-Anne-s-Adventures-Jan-2013&highlight=

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?189858-Anne-s-Adventures-Feb-2013&highlight=

[allesha10]

Good for you Anne, sounds like you have found the road to happiness, and a great helping therapist.

[Leah Lynn]

You sound like you know exactly what you want. I hope everything works out well for you.

Leah

[Maria in heels]

Anne....you have shared your journey with us, and you have come such a long way in a short period of time. Its wonderful that you are out and about, and how you share your feelings and thoughts with us-thank you...

[Sara Jessica]

Like we've talked about Anne, even though it seems as if you have been moving at pretty much light speed, I think you are going about it the right way. Getting out into the real world, particularly mainstream places, is very important to give you a clue as to whether you can stand the scrutiny of being "special" as we all are. Knowing you can stand the heat will go far in telling you that taking that step to go full time has a chance to be something you can deal with. Keep pacing yourself as you have been doing of late and make informed decisions, this is a journey, not a race. :hugs:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i think you have a great attitude and are taking the right steps...

if i was your girlfriend tho, i'd say slow down....take your time and be smart
you are living in a whirlwind of femininity...that's nice and that's fun...in fact, you are blessed with good looks and good taste, that is awesome..
...but don't let that fool you into an impact on how you view yourself and who you are ...

all the stuff you are going through is consistent with what crossdressers go through..especially attractive ones that get lots of good feedback on appearance...its intoxicating...its also consistent with what some ts women go through too..your challenge is to be open to both possibilities...your challenge is to not judge one to be more than the other...its about just being you...nothing has to happen as fast you are moving...

i only say this because reading through your posts i think you are aimed in one direction like a rocket ship...if you are in good hands in therapy challenge yourself in every way possible..get as much info as you can

does your therapist have group sessions? i found them to be invaluable..there is nothing like talking to people that have transitioned and getting their stories and letting them sink in ...

listen to sara...think journey, think marathon...

[AnneB1nderful]

Good for you Anne, sounds like you have found the road to happiness, and a great helping therapist.

Allesha,
I really thought my marriage was the road to happiness. I felt like my wife "completed" me. I think I lived my femininity vicariously thru her. However, there was still something missing. I did not want to believe that it was that I needed to be a woman myself. Well, hindsight being 20/20, I now realize that's what I was missing. Regardless the final destination, I am much happier on this road.



You sound like you know exactly what you want. I hope everything works out well for you.

Yes, Leah, I do know exactly what I want. The questions that always have to be asked are: "Is what I want really what I need?"; "Is what I want really going to make me a better person?" My answer to both of those continue to be "Yes".



Anne....you have shared your journey with us, and you have come such a long way in a short period of time. Its wonderful that you are out and about, and how you share your feelings and thoughts with us-thank you...

Maria,
Thanks for such a sweet comment. I've learned so much about myself, this trans community, and societal stereotypes in these past 3+ months. I really hope that these postings help others as reading others' postings along with comments on my threads have helped me. I will continue to share as much as I can. I've been told to never forget your roots. So, as I go thru transition, I may have breaks in my time spent on these boards. But, I will always come back here and hope to help others find the path that is best for them.



Like we've talked about Anne, even though it seems as if you have been moving at pretty much light speed, I think you are going about it the right way. Getting out into the real world, particularly mainstream places, is very important to give you a clue as to whether you can stand the scrutiny of being "special" as we all are. Knowing you can stand the heat will go far in telling you that taking that step to go full time has a chance to be something you can deal with. Keep pacing yourself as you have been doing of late and make informed decisions, this is a journey, not a race. :hugs:

Sara,
You are a very dear friend and I always appreciate your thoughts and comments. I very much want to be accepted in the mainstream and feel like that's happening. And, as much as I want to be a woman full-time, I know that to ensure a stable transition, I have to take my time. I know you will, but I want to reaffirm, please help keep me in check. If you see me going too fast, or a direction you think will do me harm, please, please let me know.



i think you have a great attitude and are taking the right steps...

if i was your girlfriend tho, i'd say slow down....take your time and be smart
you are living in a whirlwind of femininity...that's nice and that's fun...in fact, you are blessed with good looks and good taste, that is awesome..
...but don't let that fool you into an impact on how you view yourself and who you are ...

all the stuff you are going through is consistent with what crossdressers go through..especially attractive ones that get lots of good feedback on appearance...its intoxicating...its also consistent with what some ts women go through too..your challenge is to be open to both possibilities...your challenge is to not judge one to be more than the other...its about just being you...nothing has to happen as fast you are moving...

i only say this because reading through your posts i think you are aimed in one direction like a rocket ship...if you are in good hands in therapy challenge yourself in every way possible..get as much info as you can

does your therapist have group sessions? i found them to be invaluable..there is nothing like talking to people that have transitioned and getting their stories and letting them sink in ...

listen to sara...think journey, think marathon...

Kaitlyn,
Everything you're saying is so dead on. I am slowing down, but I don't want to. So, I need these kind of comments to keep me in reality. If I keep going at this pace I will burn out. It's inevitable. So, I have to slow down to enjoy the journey. And there is a possibility my the destination will change. But, with that attitude, I'm less likely to have any regrets.

However, I honestly don't think this is a lingering "pink fog", but I won't be so closed minded to that possibility. I have learned so much over the past couple of months. But, I still have so much to learn. I want to know the good, the bad and the ugly to ensure I make informed decisions, not just emotional ones.

I haven't talked about that with new therapist yet. Thanks for bringing it up. I will next time. One thing I'm doing is working on creating a social support group for local t-girls (CDers, transgender, transsexuals, etc.). I hope to model it after the OC-Girls (Orange County Girls), https://www.facebook.com/groups/orangecountygirls/?bookmark_t=group.

Since you've taken an interest in my journey, I hope you don't mind me asking you the same thing I asked Sara: If you see me going too fast, or a direction you think will do me harm, please, please let me know.

[AnneB1nderful]

It's getting harder to pretend to be a man at work. My feminine character is starting to come out when I don't expect. But, I'm almost to where I want it to. I want to be outed or challenged. I want to tell everyone that I'm really a woman and just pretending to be a man.

Ok. Now reality check. I can't do that. I'm not ready, let alone the workforce. But, as I mentioned earlier I told a GG-friend at work. She's studying to be a fashion photographer and has an eye for flaws. So, yesterday I was hoping for some scrutiny to improve my look and asked her if she wanted to see some pix of me. First time she's seen Anne. I showed her pictures many of the pix you can find on Anne's Adventures (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?189858-Anne-s-Adventures-Feb-2013).

Her jaw hit the floor. She kept saying, "Duuuuuddddeee! You look like a real girl!!!" She actually got excited and said, "We've got to hang out and go shopping!" I said, "I'm there. Only problem I'm 6'4 and you're barely 5 feet. We'd stand out in any crowd." She agreed and said she was felt weird hanging out with her 6' models. So, I'm going to ask if I could hang with her and her FAB models. Perhaps that would be another test of my resolve. I just wonder how I would being around FABs of such caliber. Would that give me the reality check I need to stop pursuing this pipe dream or will it strengthen my resolve?

Whatever happens, will post it here.

[katlee]

Wow it sounds like you are on Cloud 9 :). A fashion photographer friend, hanging out with models, whats next going to paradise in a string bikini :)

[AnneB1nderful]

Katlee,
HAHAHA......One can only dream.....

Really. I don't know if that will happen. But, would definitely be on cloud 9 if it did. Unless, I was totally humiliated or intimidated. Regardless, I will post it somewhere on these boards if the dream becomes a reality or a nightmare.

[Angela Campbell]

You say you are moving at light speed, so I ask how fast is that? Is it only months since you started ?

I ask because I too feel like I am going very fast. I only started dressing fully last summer. Before that I only really dressed from the neck down and even then no shoes. I dressed fully with shoes, makeup and wig only last summer and my life changed in that one instant I looked in the mirror. I have progressed a lot in a very short time but I have really known about this part of me since I was around 4 or so. I am moving very fast indeed but I do not feel like there is a problem, for me it is more like I have finally realized my goal, I have made the decision to go for it, I have made a plan and I am being successful. No I do not plan to transition, but to be able to look convincingly like a woman on a part time basis when I do not have to be a man.

[AnneB1nderful]

You say you are moving at light speed, so I ask how fast is that? Is it only months since you started ?

On October 30th, 2012, I decided to stop fighting myself and for the first time in my life, I fully embraced my femininity. I was accepted as a member of Crossdressers.com on November 2nd and that's when I was basically reborn and have been progressing at "light speed."

I'll send you a PM detailed with more details.

[Angela Campbell]

I think moving at light speed is quite ok. You seem to have a handle on it and are doing great. The worries may be coming from it being so new, at least for me it is.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Embracing femininity is not being a woman ... you don't progress from being a crossdresser to a transsexual..

have you talked to your therapist and some crossdressers about what people call pink fog?? about gender euphoria vs gender dysphoria? are you in a group of ts and cd people that you can talk to about all this?? you want to get live personal feedback..

i realize its hard to get the full story online.. there are all kinds of ways here to miscommunicate, but if you were in our therapy group we would share with you that your expression here and posts here are about things that have little to do with successful transition..

it could be that you have spent timeand resources planning out things and making sure you are doing right by yourself, but you haven't posted about it..

...its all about pics and girly stuff...
you are truly beautiful, natural and feminine and every way, if i were you, i'd consider whether this physical blessing is impacting your thought process...

yes, i am trying to challenge you... are you sure this is about being transsexual...in this forum i hope we can all take posts at face value, so i am not questioning you as much as i am urging/challenging you to more seriously question yourself...

this matters now because disclosing to people is permanent, whether you transition or not... you are disclosing and moving forward too fast...you should be telling almost no one about this...you asked for advice...that's it...slow down..

in any case, you really do have an infectious positive attitude that should serve you well whatever you decide..

[Jennifer Marie P.]

Anne thats good news you found your true self and you have a huge support from your terapist.

[melissakozak]

My bit of advice is to actively engage your counselor about EVERY aspect of your T life to help you make all the right decisions. Last summer, I started seeing a gender therapist, and she has been terrific. We have explored everything about my transgenderism, etc., and since I have been honest with her about how I have felt, some startling conclusions have been made:

1. I am not a fetishist.
2. I have felt transgender since a small age.
3. I enjoy some aspects of male life.
4. I enjoy my transgender, female life.
5. I enjoy being married and love my wife and wish to stay married.
6. I am happy balancing my male life and T-girl life.
7. Probably not TS.
8. I get complements about my appearance in both modes, and I get hit on in both modes by men and women.
9. I have accepted that I am bigendered...not a normal guy and not a GG...I am TG, period.
10. If I was 18, I would transition, BUT I have built a male life for the past 25 years that is REAL, and now,
I don't want to give it up, SO, I live in inbetweenie land.....but present as fully male or female.
11. Life, no matter what we do, is difficult.....being TG adds another dimension to my life.
12. Coming out is a process...best done slowly.....

[AnneB1nderful]

I think moving at light speed is quite ok. You seem to have a handle on it and are doing great. The worries may be coming from it being so new, at least for me it is.
Ellen, I'm trying to keep focused. But, I do feel like Light speed is too fast (except for laser hair removal - teeheehee). I started that last night. Please with results. It was a free sample session. Got to get cleared from dermatologist before I start aggressive treatments. But, they say I could be completely free of body and facial hair in 6-8 months. Cost is another consideration - $5k. Ouch.



Embracing femininity is not being a woman ... you don't progress from being a crossdresser to a transsexual..

in any case, you really do have an infectious positive attitude that should serve you well whatever you decide..

Kaitlyn,

Thank you! Thank You! THANK YOU!!!! These are the challenges I need to help me know if this is the "real me" and not just feeling like it is. I've been looking for a group I can join. There's nothing in my area. But, I'm not giving up. I'm willing to go just about anywhere. Regardless, we're working on starting a group locally. I think there's enough TG girls here to at least have a mixed group of CDers, TS-women, and anything in between.

I'm going to head your advice. I'm going to PM you as I'm not sure if the stuff I'll talk about here would be relevant to other readers.



Anne thats good news you found your true self and you have a huge support from your terapist.

Jennifer, I appreciated the encouragement and I'm going to move forward with transition. At the same time, I want my therapist to help me ensure that this is the path that is best for me, not just agree with me or tell me what she thinks I want to hear. I need to be challenged. And if my therapist doesn't do that, I'll be looking for another one.



My bit of advice is to actively engage your counselor about EVERY aspect of your T life to help you make all the right decisions.


Melissa,
I really want to be an open book to my therapist. I don't want to hold anything back. However, I am human. I have fears. I have memory loss. I have some things I don't want to remember or talk about and may even have mental blocks. So, understanding those things, I hope will help bring expose them so I can ensure I'm getting the best help.


....12. Coming out is a process...best done slowly.....
Yes, slowly and wisely.

[kimdl93]

Alice, how would you describe your situation now? How far out are you and to whom? How much of your life are you living as a woman now? Just trying to get a sense of what your life is like on an everyday basis.

[AnneB1nderful]

......How far out are you and to whom? How much of your life are you living as a woman now?

I've told my sister and my adult children. Sister has seen pix of me and I'm going out with my sister for the first time as Anne this Sunday. My children are not quite ready to see their dad as a woman. But, they said they want to work up to it. I think the rest of the family is getting the gist of where I am. I would prefer to tell them in person. But, gossip may not be contained much longer. If they ask, I'll tell them. Otherwise, I'll wait until I can see them in person and the time is right.

I've got one close friend at work I told. I told my doctors, but still go to appts in man mode. I just started laser hair removal. They know - one of the nurses knows my sister and met me before as her brother. I've decided I won't got to laser treatment as Anne until my facial hair is all but gone. One of my sister's close friends knows and I've talked to her on the phone as Anne. I've talked to my HR department anonymously about transitioning at work. I want to have more sessions with therapist before I pursue dressing/transitioning at work any further.

I go out as Anne more than as a man. I go to Walmart, grocery store, dining, malls, etc. Basically, only time I dress as a man is work, with family, doc appointments, or when my beard is too thick and don't have time to shave (only happened 3 times in past month). Even though I leave my apartment complex dressed, I don't yet use community laundry room as Anne. I slap man drab over girl clothes. Once my beard is eradicated, I believe I'll be ready to go 100% full time. That's at least 4 months away. Meanwhile, just gonna continue to enjoy the journey as best I can.