want to blow some steam off

[Barati]

Cannot afford SRS and I will probably never be able to do so.

The time is ticking out. My best years are going to waste...

Very desperate about this.

Even a suicide is far better option than life with this horrible enemy between my legs...

Feeling like stuck in a death camp with endless corruption, poverty, discriminative laws and unemployment rate over 20%...

If I try to escape on foot there will be probably be guards, dogs, rifles, everything. I will end up again in this land where I have no future...

So depressed...

Just wondered if someone feels this way...

[noeleena]

Hi,

Mid twenty year old & time is ticking away & your best years are going....to waste., hmmm & the enemy is still there

i get the impression you dont like your self or your life,

Im wondering where you live, what country the Arab lands or some other depressed land or state . & suicide is far better.

Suicide is not better its a one way out, no come back later, you paint a black pic my ? is have you been there,

Have you lived a life at all. I could tell you some storys & others here can as well.

We dont give up we dont throw the glove in we look at ways to get through the storm or the detail going on till we find a way through it, we allso get help.

What have you been through in life real life injurys surgerys disabilitys going back years & could place me in a wheel chair, in pain continuisly ,

i think we need to look at whats real as to whats percived, & look at the real detail & work on what can be acheved in time & go from there , some times we need to stand back & look at the real pic of our life & see how we can help ourselfs try loveing your body accepting what you have dont fight your self or youll become a bitter person, & you wont be any good for your self long term.

trust me i do know what im talking about, iv a few years on you & i am where i am now because i waited learned & was growing into my self to become the person i am now. if i had bitched about things gone off the deep end id have been useless to my self & those around me, i allso knew my time would come i just waited till then. learn to grow learn to accept & learn to be who you ...can... be , getting there you have to grow first,

Oh, by the way , i would have missed out on 9 grandkids & one more on the way had i gone the suicide way. plus my many lovely neat friends i have now, some 1000 neat people.

...noeleena...

[Barati]

You missed my point...

This is not about giving up, hate, right or wrong decisions...

This is about being completely drained and defeated.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

if your question is only if others have been there, the answer is yes...being transsexual is intensely difficult and feeling trapped is the most common thing people express if they don't do something about it...feeling drained and defeated as you say is also a very common feeling...its not fair..but its the way it is for us...

i'm guessing you are unemployed right now?? i don't know where you live but in philadelphia for example there is a William Way Center which helps transsexuals that have no means and although they dont pay for major things , they do help people get hormones and electrolysis on the cheap... they help girls realize that at least at the start, you can begin changing your life even tho srs is not affordable...and they provide group support which is hugely helpful..

is there such a place where you live?? can you break yourself out of your inner dialog and find something to feel good about ?

[melissaK]

Barati Sweetie! It'll be ok. Really. Suicide, we ALL feel like that at times. But you CAN do what you NEED to do make your life worth living. Really!

If you are the UK: http://www.transgenderzone.com/transpanic.htm

If you are in the US: http://www.lauras-playground.com/chat.htm

If you are really on edge, PLEASE dial 911 and tell them. Or. http://www.suicidehotlines.com/

No matter where you live, Listen to Auntie Kate Bornstein, Gender Outlaw: http://youtu.be/JxhZJJAGjW0

[Barati]

Barati Sweetie! It'll be ok. Really. Suicide, we ALL feel like that at times. But you CAN do what you NEED to do make your life worth living. Really!

If you are the UK: http://www.transgenderzone.com/transpanic.htm

If you are in the US: http://www.lauras-playground.com/chat.htm

If you are really on edge, PLEASE dial 911 and tell them. Or. http://www.suicidehotlines.com/

No matter where you live, Listen to Auntie Kate Bornstein, Gender Outlaw: http://youtu.be/JxhZJJAGjW0

I wish I am in the UK. That could make everything much brighter. But I am nowhere.

Sometimes I feel even too weak for a suicide, just want to stop eating / drinking and wait until shutdown.

And here 911 doesnt't work.

However, this day was quite good and bizarre.

[MsRenee]

We all experience good and bad days. Dont let the bad ones steer you wrong.
If all else fails just pick up the phone and make a call girl. Dont give in to the evil.
Renee

[Starling]

...in philadelphia for example there is a William Way Center which helps transsexuals that have no means and although they dont pay for major things , they do help people get hormones and electrolysis on the cheap... they help girls realize that at least at the start, you can begin changing your life even tho srs is not affordable...and they provide group support which is hugely helpful...

Same with the Los Angeles Gay & Lesbian Clinic, which has a range of transgender services and is a very friendly place. If you don't live in So Cal, they can probably hook you up with services in your own area.

www.laglc.org/ (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/www.laglc.org/)

Let me tell you, Borati, there are people here who can't afford SRS, FFS, HRT or electrolysis, and they still live their lives. Others have medical problems which preclude hormones and major surgery, but they do what they need to get by.

Many transition socially and hope that things will change and they'll be able to complete themselves, while others must find a way to cope without living full time, because of personal entanglements or other circumstances they can't overcome.

Frankly, I don't know whether it's better to be a young or old transsexual, because each passage of life has its own pitfalls; but the young at least have the luxury of time, even if it feels more like a life sentence to you right now. Try to see that time as just a bigger window to escape through.

Don't throw away your chance to be true to yourself. If you don't make the mistake of marrying someone and having children in hopes of "curing" your TS, like some of us did, and are burdened with terrible guilts to go with their GID, your future is completely up to you. Good luck, child.

:) Lallie

[Danielle tights]

You are only defeated if you allow it to happen, I have been where you are so many times but have come to realise you are a long time dead girl so make the best of what you have got now. There is joy to be had if you look for it hard enough. Good luck honey, with heart felt love, Dani

[Nicole Erin]

I know the feeling, i go thru it sometimes.

Thing about suicide - if you think about that - remember - You have probably not yet seen the best movie you ever will, have not had the best sex, not had the best job yet, the nicest car, eaten at the best restaurant, met your best friend,

Best years? Well let me say - every stage of life has good and bad. Young people are always told what to do yet don't have any real responsibilities yet. Old people have plenty to worry about yet no one tells them how to live.

I think , er, I BET what got you down is - you probably saw or read about some perfectly passable 21 year old post-op who has the world by the short hairs. Rare exception, very rare. Even then plenty of online stories like that are B.S.

Why not start living today? Do you decide not to drive cause you have a honda instead of a porche? Do you forego meals cause it is frozen pizza instead of prime rib?

Today is the first day of the rest of your life

[Sara Jessica]

You are not defined by this "enemy between your legs" as you describe. It's what's in your heart and from there it's all about what you make of it.

From what I can tell you are twenty-something. You should have the world by the tail instead of loathing that you don't have it all right now. Think it through, the trans experience is littered with people like me who could have, should have, would have when they were your age but times have changed as has the availability of information. I couldn't fathom giving up because I'm stuck in this forty-something body and failed to see things clearly when I was younger. Alas I have a family which I love dearly. My point is that you don't appear to have these barriers (I hate using that word) to being true to yourself. The future is yours, it's all about what you make of it. It seems you are on a path to social transition anyway, the rest will surely follow.

BTW, I love what Erin said. There is always the sweetness of life that is a joy to behold. I even have to remind myself of that when things seem down & dark.

[GroovyChristy]

Barati, I know these feelings. I am not afraid to admit that I struggle with depression. If at all possible, please talk to a doctor or therapist. There is no shame in that.

I cannot afford SRS either, nor can I afford HRT, FFS, electrolysis, etc. I can't even tell my family about myself. I have told one friend who I knew was accepting of this kind of thing, and that is the only person I feel that I can tell at this time. Barati, sometimes I wonder if all this is an exercise in futility. I am not sure if I could ever "pass," and sometimes I wonder if this is even worth it. I bet this sounds familiar to you.

The answer invariably is this: we have to be true to ourselves. Happiness is possible, even for us. There are people who accept us, and despite how isolated we may feel, we are not alone in these struggles. Suicide is not an option. We owe it to ourselves to pursue peace. And enjoyment of life is possible even in the midst of suffering.

[Beverley Sims]

I think it is good that you are blowing some steam off.
We all get bouts of the world is not going our way.
As you have read there are a number of suggestions as to what you can do.
These are not always things you want but they can be helpful.
The main thing here is everyone supports you and we all want to see a good outcome.
Please post when you feel down and we are here to help lift you out of the doldrums.
Suicide, the death camp, they are not on anyones agenda.
When you do escape, the dogs and guards will not come either.
Remember the grass is not greener on the other side and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
And no it is not a train coming the other way.
Get your two index fingers, put them at each end of your mouth, look in a mirror, now, push your fingers up.
See!

[docrobbysherry]

Barati, u need help. If u do not live in the Western world, u still can get help! This is not about crossdressing or being trans. If u r depressed and feeling that life is not living, u r wrong! And, feeling that way is not natural. Please tell people who care about u. Talk to authorities or religious persons around and tell them u want their help. No matter where u live, there r good people around u who can help u!

U must reach out and find them, tho!

[Barati]

Blah...

Wherever I go everybody thinks I'm female...

But I cannot have a sexual relationship with no one...

I'm fed of being alone and unable to have a normal life just because of some stupid money...

Just want to be a regular girl, not the monster who can pee in standing position.

There is no use of medical persons and their addictive poisons. I will rather die than return to crap such as desoxyn.

[arbon]

Nobody gets a perfect life, you have to make the best with what you have and if you want to improve upon it you have to work for it, but there are never guarantees.

[kimdl93]

Barati, As noted by others, its hard to comment on your living situation because you've provided few details, but if guards, dogs and rifles are involved, it seems you live in a very repressive state. But you're very young and you needn't let the least conspicuous of appendages control your life. Think first about how to be the person you want to be "inside". I know that sounds trite, but if you can be true to yourself in your thoughts, then you may be able to tolerate your present living situation while you plot and plan for a realistic escape.

Best of luck!

[Starling]

I must apologize to you, Barati, because I assumed that your OP was partly an exercise in hyperbole, such as we can often fall into under the influence of GID. In light of the context which I now understand through rereading the whole thread, I regret the fatuity of my first reply.

I wish you all the best under difficult circumstances.

:) Lallie

[kimdl93]

Where are you? If you've been mistake for a female, would it be a huge step to begin living as one. Would it be impossible for political or cultural reasons?

You are presently so focused on the barriers and obstacles. Could yourself to consider the possibilties as well?

[Barati]

I am already living as a female! This is why I want the surgery so badly!

This drives me into breaking point. I am not made of tungsten carbide. No, just flesh and some bones.

[kimdl93]

Ok. I understand a bit more clearly. . If you're living as a woman, you've made a life change that many of us have longed for but never been able to achieve...even into our senior years. Please try to focus on the positives in what you've accomplished and look for hope for the future

[Nicole Erin]

I am already living as a female! This is why I want the surgery so badly!


Well, don't be surprised if life isn't all the sudden perfect when you do get SRS. The "pink fog" could come back for a while but think of this -
Let us say a CD figures out she is TS. Along the way, there are many "firsts". first makeup purchase, first time being called "she", going out dressed, changing name, telling someone, SRS blah blah but the euphoria wears off. Everytime one gets "there, it becomes "here" and they look for a new "there".

I bet even the stealth passable TS have things they "wish". If you are living as ANY kind of a woman, yeah you are way ahead of plenty of folks. Living a dream.

Life is a bitch. Well like right now I am wondering if i will have enough gas and groceries to last until friday. Aggrivating but instead of worrying on that I am concentrating on things that are good right now.

Maybe pick up a hobby that has nothing to do with being TS.

[CarolynO]

Berati,there is nothing i can add to all those who replied covered except this.My life has nearly been as miserable.So many illusions,disappointments,not fitting in,loneliness.Horrible puberty.Been battling depression on and off since my twenties.GD suddenly fever pitch at times at age 56.HRT,FFS,GRS is just not in the cards for me,I don't have the money and doing it all at my age bothers me.My male self feels exactly the same;beaten down and defeated yet I'm still standing becaused I focused on things in life I enjoy that's not to do with Gid.I simply did not allow it to destroy me and keep telling myself there will be alot of good moments ahead of me.

I've been deep in the depression hole many times yet I pulled out of it even when everything in my life seemed hopeless.
I hope you find a good support group ;and think of other things in life you take pleasure in and you never know what great turn of fortune may be awaiting you in the future.

[Barati]

Well, don't be surprised if life isn't all the sudden perfect when you do get SRS..

I am not pursuing any perfection.

Just want to have a proper genitalia and a normal life...

I am stunned by how many of you failed to see the importance and profound impact of this on a my life.

I am not an old closet crossdresser having some thoughts of life in a role of opposite gender. No, I see myself as a 100% female, I live/function as a 100% female, every my breath and thought is a 100% female...

And I want a 100% female genitalia. There is no any other solution or a workaround. The existence of a this horrible disaster between my legs means unbearable torture worse than any death.

Sometimes I feel I am choking. I see no way out (except a suicide)...

And the fact that someone could be in an even greater misery means NOTHING to me. This is just a common, useless rationalisation.

Maybe this could be a wrong place to explain such thing...

[arbon]

I am stunned by how many of you failed to see the importance and profound impact of this on a my life.



Of course it is important, no one said it wasn't. A lot of us are in the same position.... and it does sucks. What is there to explain? You hurt, we understand that. We understand the reason that you hurt. We've all hurt, or we would not do what we do.

The solution? You figure out a way to fix it, or you figure out a way to live as you are. No one else is going to fix it for you. So - what are you doing to try to fix it? What are your options?

[Barati]

The solution?

An illegal immigration?

Bank robbery?

Selling a kidney?

Or just a plain old headshot?

[Xrys]

i have to be honest, if srs was the only thing i had to wory about finding a way to afford i would be thrilled. i cant even afford therapy. i have only a few clothes. and when ever i go out, i get the " omg what is that thing that just walked in the door" stare. have i thought about suicide? every day of my life. i think "it would be so easy just to ..." however, the thought of being burried with those damn things still attached is worse than continuing the miserable existance i am already in. so i continue to trudge on. i work on my walk, my voice, i look up how to improve the few things i can that dont cost money in hopes that if i keep at it, mabey some day i will get there. i guess i am saying the thing that keeps me going is that i would rather live as a freak than die still a man. hope you get through this rough patch and thanks for letting me blow off some steam of my own.