Shopping Was Especially Hard

[JennyCD]

As some of you know, I purged almost a year ago and haven't dressed since. Never changed who I am inside, but, well it is what it is.

While shopping in Wal Mart last night for some essentials, Aveeno shaving cream, razor blades, and L'oreal aftershave balm, I happened across the cosmetics aisle totally by accident (yeah, right). I spent several minutes checking out the various shades of nail polish thinking "this would look very nice on my toes" and other such things.

I managed to pass on the polish. On my way to the grocery aisles I had to pass by the women's clothing. I made myself pass by quickly but several items still caught my eye, like the gorgeous sweaters, fall skirts (I love plaid skirts), and the most adorable jumper I'd seen in ages.

I was in a really foul mood when I left with the items I actually purchased. While I have often looked at things while shopping, this was the first time since my purge that I was actually irritable because I made myself pass these thing by. GRRRRRRR

I can't dress in public where I live, and I feel like I can't take the chance of dressing fully at home, so why do I bother thinking about it? I'll admit that I would love to polish my toenails and have a nice nightgown to sleep in, but feel like if I go there, I won't be able to keep from going further again.

Why do things so simple as clothing have to be so complicated? I can think of a really morbid thought to insert here, but not going there either.

[Kierci]

Jenny I think I had the same mornid thought to fill in there but I'll keep it to my self also LOL I have to agree with you on the clothes I really want to buy more I am not exactly like you as I can dress here any time and I will probably never see any of the people I see again. My problem is cash flow, I have been unemployeed for 3 months now and still have to put food in my daughters mouth and keep clothes on her back before I can spend on my self, I cant explain the increased stress level when we cant buy or cant justify buying may be more appropriate. Keep up the will and strength hun.

[Faye Emmette]

I feel for both of you as I've had the inability in times of my life to be comfortable.
Jen, in Az do they have many Goodwill stores or Red Cross? If you can do the shopping, the prices are right and there is a great range ( or in Waukesha Wi there is I know).
Jenny in Fl, does your wife ever go away for a weekend to the in-laws? or something like that? Can you have a secret cupboard with a bag of clothes and hairpiece/shoes? This is how I lived for many years and most of my photos are from those joyous times.
I am saddened now and this is the annoying part that society doesn't let us be who we are.
Jenny, just look at the clothes and dream and if your imagination is strong enough, you can be the woman you want to be. :rose2:
XXX
Faye.

[JennyCD]

I'm not married and live alone. My problem at home is more one of having my mother close by and likes to drop in unannounced fairly often.

Jennyaz, sorry about the unemplyment problem. I know how that feels as I was laid up for over 7 months this year. Hang in there, it just has to get better.

[Lisa Golightly]

Fit a security lock and don't give her the key. My mother knows about me, she thinks I'm as mad as a particularly mad hat, and I've been honest with all my partners... God that sounds like there have been hundreds, but there haven't... I'm very particular.

As for the curse of unemployment, well I've been there (but without the family). That's when I taught myself dress making, a very useful skill to learn ;)

[Devilgal]

Jenny
I am here... You always have some one to talk to.. about the good emotions you have, and all the fears and the turmoils.
I might not totally understand many things. I wont pretend to.
All I know a dear wonderful friend of mine whom I love dearly....is hurting and I want to help and be there for him...UNCONDITIONALLY and that is not just a word its meant from my heart!!

[Sarahgurl371]

Jenny,
I absolutely know how you feel. I had to do some grocery shopping last night at Walmart as well. Well, it would seem that I can never just go in and get the groceries. I always seem to have to walk past the ladies clothing department, and quickly eyeball all the lovely clothes. let me rephrase that. I can go into a store and not look, but what would be the fum in that. At least I can dream a little, right?

This time of year is a good time for us to be able to walk freely thru the ladies department. And be able to actually look, and touch stuff. I recently bought myself a very nice skirt and some beautiful sweaters at Walmart. Just carried my Christmas list around, complete with sizes, just like i do every year for my wife and female family members.

Don't beat yourself up. Its your life, make it into what you want. As far as mother dropping by. I keep everything closed up and don't answer the phone when dressed. Besides, its kinda rude to just drop by someone's home unannounced, you wouldn't do that would you? I know I always call first. You never know what you may walk in on!!!

[Kierci]

Yes we have em but I cant justify spending anymore money for now on any clothes even male UGHH

[Faye Emmette]

Jenny,
I have friends arriving in a flash but I can at least hear the car and I dash for the bathroom. We know the time it takes to frock-up, but once in the bathroom everything flies off in a minute and I yell out, "Wait on, I was about to have a shower". One mate who likes to drop in a lot for lunch time beers at the club once said 'geeze Mate, you have a lot of showers'.
But it can give you that bit of space and time to throw on some shorts and a T-shirt. Don't forget the Tshirt cause your strap marks will show.
Please don't suffer; buy yourself a bra for Christmas. ;)

[Jillian310]

I was in the Fashion Bug yesterday. I saw a nice 2 piece jumper/top set and a great sequined evening skirt - both drastically marked down. I was in a bit of a rush, on my way to meet another girl for coffee, so I asked the clerk to hold them for me. Today I tried out a fantastic black tight over my satin panties, and dressed in drab and went back to the Bug. I asked the clerk if it was OK to use a fitting room. She was very sweet, and walked me gack to the largest one. Both items looked smashing with the tights - black ones. I bought them both at a fantastic discount, and wore the jumper all afternoon with a long sleeved tee. I do sympathize with our sisters that are strapped at this time of year when so many clothing bargins are available. And just wait until the after Christmas sales! I have my eye on a few items! My problem is stashing the items at home. The collection is growing, and is heavy to tote when I take them with me for a dressing date, etc. Keep your chins up girls, the world will turn and your turn will come!

[JennyCD]

Thanks Devilgal. :)

It's not so much a question of a lack of locks, Mom doesn't have a key, but more of never knowing when she'll visit. I always call before "dropping by", but sometimes Mom just doesn't think to do that. I can't pretend to not be home, and after all she's been through battling cancer and all, I can't bring myself to tell her to not come over unless she calls first. I probably should, but just can't hurt her feelings like that. After all, she took me in and cared for me while I was recovering from the car wreck and couldn't walk or take care of myself.

Eventually I'll buy myself some nice private things like a night gown for sleeping in again, but dressing fully, makeup, and all of that is out of the question *sigh*.

I am basically just torn right now between the desire to dress and the desire to remain purged and live a "normal" life, whatever that's supposed to be anyway.

Just being yourself shouldn't be so complicated. :hiding:

[Jesse69]

Jenny - don't be afraid of mom. My mom has seen me in drag and has seen all of my clothes. It doesn't bother her. You can't hide stuff forever and once you have a big collection of stuff how can you hide it? I have a small room full of stuff.

By the way, in your avatar pic - is that a wig or your natural hair?

[JennyCD]

It isn't my hair.

[Raychel]

Jenny, I would not be afraid of mom either. My mother knew that I liked to wear womens underwear, and she was totally cool with it. Maybe you should start telling her slowly that you desire to wear womens clothes. Maybe you could share your precious time together shopping. Instead of living in fear that she will come over to visit at the wrong time.

Just a thought. If it were me I would tell her.

[JennyCD]

I would love to be able to tell my mom, but that isn't going to happen. She is very old fashioned about that sort of thing, and while she wouldn't disown me or anything, it would break her heart.