Questions as to Validity/Invalidity in Regards to Self

[SarahMarie42]

Recently, I've begun to speculate that I may identify much more as a woman than I do a man. There are several reasons for this, and I may eventually go into them, but given my current confusion, which has been brought on by my family, they're hard to even remember right now :|

I don't want to be considered another one of those members who simply "fails to understand" what it is that you all go through, or what it is that you experience. On the contrary, I am here for the sole purpose of gaining understanding. I want to continue to explore womanhood to come to a conclusion as to whether or not I truly need it in its entirety. Whether or not I was right when I wanted to wake my parents and declare my need to be a girl all those years ago, and wrong to decide against it. I want to better understand why it is that I feel like a human "whole", a being with feelings, genuine attributes, and fundamental value, rather than just a list of accomplishments or an occasional generator of jokes and nothing more, when I am a woman.. Why I end up feeling that life will be worth living even if I DON'T achieve my grandiose goals.

However, when I discuss this with my family, all events from my past and childhood which suggest any masculinity are relentlessly accounted to me -- confusing me and discouraging further exploration of my feelings; causing me to feel nothing more than delusional or insecure. . . They (unintentionally) harass me with questions as to why I didn't know already, why it isn't there all of the time (it always has been, in a way), why I wasn't constantly effeminate as a male. In those situations, I feel invalidated and confused, and want to cry.

My question to you is: just how flexible is the mold? Am I truly invalidated by my lack of CONSTANT outward femininity? Am I invalidated by my not explicitly and relentlessly declaring my womanhood from day one? Or is there more to this?

I really need guidance in this right now, and it would be greatly appreciated :|

-Sarah-

[Rianna Humble]

Hi SarahMarie, there is no one-size-fits-all definition of how a transsexual should grow up nor even for when they should finally realise what has been wrong all of their life.

When I first came out, numerous people said to me that I was the last person that they would have expected to say this, yet recently they accept without hesitation that I am a woman. Over the years, I managed to build a fairly convincing outer shell of male identity and I could emulate a number of masculine behaviours quite well, but that was not me on the inside.

Depending on your age, when you were a child there probably were not the resources available to understand about gender dysphoria or its out-workings in regard to transgender or transsexuality, so please don't beat yourself up about not having spoken to your parents at a young age. I know that I didn't have the words to tell them what I was experiencing.

I am not a professional therapist, neither am I medically qualified, but that feeling of being whole when you are a woman is one that resonates strongly with me.

We will be happy to discuss our experiences with you, and we will want to be here for you as you discover the real you, but I think that the best guidance I can offer at the moment is to seek out a qualified therapist who has experience with gender identity issues so that (s)he can help you to ask yourself the right questions to determine for yourself whether you are TS. Only you can say for certain, but you may not know the right questions to ask yourself at the moment.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Its all about ... knowing ...what or who you are, I knew from age 10 & there was never a ? about this, I was different then & later it was picked up by a few people who knew me , & told me 4 years ago & they were not surprised at all. Other friends who have known me over 55 years accepted with out ? . & nothing has changed since then. in my being accepted by many people .

Being different knowing your different goes a long way in accepting your self for who you are, to me its not about clothes makeup or any thing else that may give you an appreance of being who you are , take the clothes away whats left, its then you know who you are, & when you accept that you can go on . you need to love your self & that means your body regardless of what it looks like or feels like,

My Mum was pretty good to me she never forced me in to a role wether male or female ,I had free rein to make my own mind up in many things, for me there was never a male or female it was joined to gether, i did not seperate the two. well i could not any way, part of what i was / am,

As i was growing up i did not express myself as most normal people do i was shut down , so it was much later i was able to by then there were changes takeing place, & i knew things would be different for me , i did not transtion as many do from male to female or female to male because im both & cant change part of my difference, yet there were many changes that have taken place, one is i express my self how i should & that has been a major for me , iv grown as a woman or in to one & that has been a really neat thing for me.

How i was percived by many people was not the all of who i was growing up, a side of myself was hidden except to a few,

A few details happened that made me sit up & take note that what i was being asked or told to do was not who i was / am so i rebeled against that this was part of my growing & was i just going to go with the flow, no , because the changes that were takeing place were internal & how i was to see things that would change my life ,

it was like i had to take a stand & be true to who i am as a person. so every thing that was nessersary for that to take place has,

Im a very strong woman who has grown as i should , my past is a part of who i am & has helped me so much to get were i am now,

You talk about your masculinity, some thing i know nothing of im not a or was masculine, strong , yes quick fit yet in keeping with a female in many ways, so , ill say was , i am over 65,

Femininty Hmmm, we dont all come with that i dont, i dont have the facial features, yet im still female just not in all aspects,

To explore womanhood , youll need to grow & theres a difference in wonting to be a woman from being one,

This difference will become apprant, from many i know who like to say well im a woman now because i wear womens clothes & get dressed up. yes they can look pretty beuityfull even act like a woman. & fool others, & be mistaken for women.

The difference is in being a woman , is being born female or for some who are trans, or us, those like myself, i never wonted to be a female or a woman. i was born with that part of myself ,

So yes you do have some ? s , What i would do is ask your self , are you a woman well one who needs to live as one & that means growing in to one, concerns for your family , you need to take onwership for your self as to what ...you... need to do.

Can you say with out any doughts at all this is you & live life fully in my would of women, every day, through thick & thin .

Yes some of us go through ...hell... & count on it, the mind games, changes in ones body with meds, & or surgerys, some fly through it others its very hard & tough road , & many changes do take place, how your accepted or not ,

so friends may just stay with you. all of mine have, plus i have many more, family is different because thats really close to home, remember many can accept though will never understand, they cant unless they are like us, so another aspect to our changes.

hope you can gain some insights from this that may help.

...noeleena...

[LeaP]

...

However, when I discuss this with my family, all events from my past and childhood which suggest any masculinity are relentlessly accounted to me -- confusing me and discouraging further exploration of my feelings; causing me to feel nothing more than delusional or insecure. . . They (unintentionally) harass me with questions as to why I didn't know already, why it isn't there all of the time (it always has been, in a way), why I wasn't constantly effeminate as a male. In those situations, I feel invalidated and confused, and want to cry.

My question to you is: just how flexible is the mold? Am I truly invalidated by my lack of CONSTANT outward femininity? Am I invalidated by my not explicitly and relentlessly declaring my womanhood from day one? Or is there more to this?


There is no mold. And while there are common patterns of coping behavior, there is nothing that is universal.

In coming out, you threaten others' understanding, their ability to see reality. All of us project what we expect and want to see onto others, but those who are close base their lives in part on such things. People marry because they believe deeply in what they see and experience. When you turn and tell them that, figuratively, 1 + 1 = 3, they often CAN'T believe it, certainly initially, and maybe forever. And no-one who hasn't experienced this condition will ever really understand it.

Back to common patterns ... Behavior is a mix of things learned and inborn tendency. Virtually ALL (MtF) transsexuals, aside from those who come out strongly and persistently in childhood, exhibit masculine behavior, sometimes hyper-masculine behavior. Psychologist Anne Vitale cites patients of hers such as a nuclear sub captain. My own therapist, in my last session no less, cited patients presenting as "lumberjacks, with beards down to here ". Her words.

Sometimes it's over-compensation, sometimes just natural interest ... after all, very little in life is truly gender-based ... Other than gender identity itself. With time and work, I have been able to attribute [I]some things in my psyche to my gender identity, but for the most part no-one else could predict them. And there is much where I cannot - it's simply me and frankly doesn't matter.

Except, of course when it comes to other's expectations. And this is when you find out just how wide and deep those expectations run! Most of these are unthinking, things in the culture, in one's upbringing, etc. They are assumptions, social conventions, role-based behavior and attitudes, and more. People like to think they are tolerant, that they are broad-minded. Yet when you upset the applecart of their (largely) unexamined belief system, they feel invalidated, betrayed, angry, even outraged. Many of us are fully credible and trustworthy in every area of life, yet find ourselves accused of delusion, self-serving behavior, and worse when coming out. You are confronting people at the most fundamental level. One that invokes visceral reactions, even if expressed in reasonable-sounding rational, emotional, and psychological terms.

It is a firestorm and will confuse you at times. After all, you trust these people in your life, too. Take your time and work through it.

[Aprilrain]

Really good post Lea! I have nothing to add.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Don't beat yourself up..

and btw...I got the same comment as Rianna..
YOu??? of all people i would never have thought you!!!!
.... many people said it to me... in my own mind i thought "how could they not have seen what a fraud i was??"...

i did NOT identify myself as a transsexual for manymany years..i did have a literally nonstop fantasy in my mind of becoming or transforming into a woman... i later realized this was about my own personal way of coping...this is what the others have touched on.. transsexuals cope until they transition or they just cope forever...therapists told me that i was a crossdresser, i took their advice but only by looking back can i see how empty that felt to me...at the time i was deeply relieved !! i could keep my life!!!

clearly you are going through some internal struggle and your feminine side is making its move
...your challenge will be to get all of your honesty and confidence at maximum levels so you can parse through what can be a very confusing and vulnerable time for you...

listening to others and their opinions can be very helpful, but here in a forum you cannot assume 100% honesty in how people identify, and much of that is because people have a hard time being honest with themselves!!!!

ironically a person that is dogmatic about their identity as a ts, but ultimately is not , is simply invalidating him/herself, and vice versa..

saying you have a male side, embracing femininity and delighting in the idea of going all the way, saying you feel better in female mode than male are things cd's tend to say...
saying you can't survive as a male , saying you fought this feeling your whole life, saying you feel trapped and desperate, are things ts women tend to say..

of course its only ...tend to say...!!! things change...realization grows...facts are learned and remembrances bubble and swirl...

so you will hear the mantra get into therapy...that's the ultimate thing you need to do..you will share your current feelings, you will explore your past rememberances and a person with experience will help you by parsing thought it
. its especially helpful to meet some ts women and transgender people as well...sharing personal contact with people can give you new connections that open your eyes up to what a transsexual really is, and what can be done about it..comparing your feelings directly and personally with another , learning about the specific details of transition, and hearing the coming out stories filled with the issues faced can be very cold water, but it may also make you think about what is possible as you hook up with more people that persevered through difficult times...

[melissaK]

Hmmm.
questions as to why I didn't know already, why it isn't there all of the time Well, there is no answer. So the answer to that much of your question is blowing in the wind.

And this one:
I want to better understand why it is that I feel like a human "whole", a being with feelings, genuine attributes, and fundamental value, rather than just a list of accomplishments or an occasional generator of jokes and nothing more, when I am a woman.. Well, again, why does anyone feel anything. Nerves, genes, X chromosomes, Y chromosomes, extra dna, missing dna, different dna? Again, no one yet knows the reasons why. So the answer to that much of your question is blowing in the wind too.

But are you allowed to "Feel" that happiness you claim to feel as a woman? Enough people thought happiness was so important that they put it into a Declaration of Independence: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--" You might recognize that language. Feel free to quote it to others.

And for us TG/TS/CD/GQ/etc's, we are minorities and the rest of the world is a majority, and it is a battle for us to live our life in pursuit of our happiness even though it differs from the majority's view.

The Eagles gave us great advice a zillion years ago when they sang:



Well I know it wasn't you who held me down
Heaven knows it wasn't you who set me free
So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key


So, I've been no help I'm sure. I've said there's no answer except that you have feelings and you are entitled to them. You hold the keys to unlock yourself from the chains of others opinions, and to go find your own happiness.

And as others above have posted, it will scare others that you are unlocking your chains and changing without their permission, and over something they can't easily understand.

I am reading Kate Bornstein's "My Gender Workbook" and its been well worth my time. (I think it's worth everyone's time). Here's a quote from p. 76:



"Can we expect to break the [cultural] laws or violate the taboos of a culture, and then be rewarded by the culture in the same coin the culture uses to pacify those who don't disturb the status quo? I don't think it works that way. We do get punished by the culture whose laws we break, whose taboos say "Don't study this forbidden knowledge, and certainly don't use it."


This is what you are up against. Your family, despite bonds of love, are part of a cultural majority and they are socially conditioned to favor a sexual binary with clean neat boundaries. Until they let their bonds of love for you pull the blinders of their social conditioning off themselves, they won't understand and they will undermine your efforts to be happy.

For me there is some biological imperative in me to act openly as a woman, to be perceived as a woman. And it makes me happy in my soul. And reason and logic can't erase or overcome that.

So maybe, you heard the 1991 song "One Way" by the Levellers:

There's only one way of life
And that's your own, your own, your own
There's only one way of life
And that's your own, that's your own, that's your own


Well, its up to you to decide:

To live your own life or not.
To stand up for your feelings or not.
To accept the consequences or not.
To risk the love of family or not.
To risk the friendship of others or not.
To risk your employers disapproval or not.

Maybe small steps at first. Let me explain:

I'm "out" and my life became a tempest of despair as my wife was terrified I had put everything about our life at risk, and I had put my relationship with her at risk because she had cultural ideas of what a husband and life partner is, and I was going too far from them. Who can blame her? Not me. But she had to know, so I told her. Told our adult kids too.

I also told them any transition takes a long time, and mine will not be an exception. It's small steps: grow my hair long; look into transplants (I got quotes, $10,000.00 - $12,000.00!! Damn male pattern baldness); start rogaine, propecia; I am on HRT, I already have B cups under my sports bras under my shirts; pierce an ear or two; shift wardrobe to girl jeans, and a few girl tops. I don't know - I don't have an exact plan. I am improvising.

In my way, I am reducing my risks. I am giving everyone around me a chance to continue to like "me" and grow accustomed to gradual changes. I have no freaking idea if it will work. So far, my wife has kept me around and stayed around, and my kids are all on board with my goal of "happiness". In fact they said it to me - "as long as your happy dad." And my bosses think I'm channeling my inner hippie as part of a mid-life crisis, and since I show up and do my job, and then some, they haven't said anything.

So don't think you have to leap the whole gender divide overnight.

So, was that any help? Probably not.

[SarahMarie42]

Thank you so much for the input so far, it has been helpful, and I look forward to any further input that any of you are willing to provide. Most of the time, I suppose I seem like something of a gender-neutral "eunuch" to those around me. When focusing on matters which are purely gender-neutral, like my interest in economics, political science, law, or my sense of humor, the dysphoria isn't quite as prominent. I sometimes feel that this also invalidates me, but I know that dysphoria will presumably avoid presenting itself in those situations which have little to nothing to do with gender. In those situations which do relate to one's sex and gender, though, such as intimate situations or social situations which transcend brainy discussions of differential equations and social structures, I do not feel comfortable as a male -- I am forced to acknowledge that I am a male. Intimacy, in particular, is very difficult. I am attracted to women, but am primarily asexual in my day-to-day male dealings, as I cannot conceptualize the sustenance of any sort of relationship. However, when I assume the role of the woman or the female, and place that role in the context of an intimate and romantic relationship with another female, my sexuality tends to show itself. I feel much more attracted to women when I am a woman than I do when I am a man. The masculine role, in a relationship, is utterly foreign to me, though I have attempted, perforce, to "properly" assume it. I have not been intimate with a woman in ways that involve reference to or the necessity of use of anatomical elements related to my biological sex. I have only provided the woman with pleasure and never received that personal pleasure which might exceed kissing or groping -- I couldn't bring myself to do it, as it made little sense to me. In social situations, I can generally get by as "one of the bros", but there is an awkwardness and emptiness which accompanies the whole of the experience. I have to put myself through all of the motions, I have to train myself to mimic their mannerisms, and a "good time", when it does not involve intellectual discussion (gender-neutral) or the kicking around of witticisms (again, gender-neutral) -- is not usually a good time.

I don't know, I thought I'd provide a bit more information.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

genetic women take on all kinds of masculine traits for all kinds of reasons...
there are all types of people...i'm not talking about gender queer women, i'm talking about women that would heartily endorse a gender binary and yet still feel more comfortable in roles that males tend to inhabit..

try to totally and completely silence the little gremlin in your head whispering to you about invalidation...that is you talking to yourself..

in the end, for most of us...you just know... the more you can experience in real life and the more you can honestly parse through it without shame, guilt or even feelings of invalidation, the closer you will get to saying that you just know too...

[elizabethamy]

SarahMarie, Here's a vote in support of finding your own path from one who still hasn't found hers. I started dressing when I was in my 50's after no earlier clues that I understood at the time (though they make a lot more sense now in the rearview mirror). I tried to stop multiple times, I took testosterone pills, I changed jobs, towns and states to try to change what was in my head...to make it all go away.....it's all still in there, of course. The people on this forum have literally been a lifeline to me at my worst moments and at other times a clarifier (on issues like superficial clues of masculinity such as sports and beer), and often a nag ("you're just in denial. Wake up!"). From this forum, and from therapy, and from ANYONE I've consulted, I've been desperate on some level to be told what I am and therefore what I have to do. I could never have imagined that I would be here virtually every day for a year and a half and STILL not know my path. It's not for lack of trying. But the truth is, no one is going to hand me (or you, or anyone) the answer.

What I'm trying to say is that everyone's path, destiny, and timetable is unique to that person. It would be so great to know beyond a shadow of a doubt, TS or No, transition or Not, etc. But if you have the kind of personality like mine, where it's often hard to decide what to order for lunch, of course a decision so fundamental is going to take time and a multiple of avenues, bodily, mentally, spiritually, to figure it out and to arrive at a destination. Try not to be too anxious; I trust Kaitlyn when she says that at some point "you just know." But how and when one gets to that point is not really in our control, I'm afraid. Which is why the girls who say "enjoy the journey" are onto something.

peace,
elizabethamy

And now I notice that you've been on the board longer than I have and with almost as many posts! So you are living the frustration of the slowness of the answer. In Jenny Boylan's "She's Not There," there's a moment when Jenny (as Jim) is three or four and tells his/her mother while she's ironing the dad's shirts that Jenny "won't be wearing those."

To have had that kind of clarity! I mean, if you were going to have gender issues why not at the beginning?

(elizabethamy wallows in indecisive jealousy -- yet remembers that for 20 years Jenny Boylan did everything she could to be Jim Boylan -- fatherhood, marriage, all of it -- until she gave into the destiny that had once been so clear).

So not only can you find your path, you can find it and then lose it and then find it again, I guess.

It'll be interesting to look at this thread when we both have a thousand posts and who knows how many more years here?

e.a.

[SarahMarie42]

I'll share with you something, which now seems extraordinarily obvious, that I've just realized. When my response to being "invalidated" is "I suppose that means I'm doomed to be a man, and feel like an empty shell of a person", it seems to contradict some of the fears of invalidation I've been having xD

I want to continue forward on my journey until I just "know", until then, I will continue, as I have been, to integrate more and more feminine elements into my personal and social life. Presenting as a woman more often, going out with my GG friends, and even saying "screw it" and allowing the associated mannerisms to burst forth even when presenting as a male (though I've much androgynized my appearance recently in an attempt to deal)

[KellyJameson]

In the past when someone would accuse me of being effeminate I would lose it and get in their face and be ready to fight.

I could not understand why the word would make me so angry but I now realize I felt it as an attack against my femininity as female as identity which is what I am at my core.

The word was a caricature of something unreal that was created by others as a label for others but I was not the others they were talking about but different but could not understand how at the time.

I also find men who act effeminate as slightly annoying because I experience them as false like they have adopted a role that is really not them but a way to communicate something about themselves.

Somehow that behavior seems like a betrayal to the self and I see what they are doing as not being good for their mental health so I do not trust them.

It almost seems like efffeminate men have allowed others to define how they should act so have lost themselves

That word will always be emotionally charged for me because I have worked so hard not to lose myself.

The word is a label for a feminine man which I am very very much not.

It can cause a great deal of confusion because people are projecting their idea of what is feminine and masculine behavior on you but behavior can be a very slippery slope toward understanding if you are transsexual.

For me being transsexual transcends everything so it is when you strip away behavior,thoughts, emotions, beliefs and find that center point inside you.

It is that thing that was there first before everything else was added and you will know it when you find it.

Very observant and knowledgable people can spot it in a child because it is this thing that was there in the beginning that affects how the child interacts with their environment and this interaction decides the degree of conflict.

Some environments are more supportive and others more hostile to the childs natural identity.

Liking the color pink does not make a child transsexual. The experience is much more nuanced than that in my opinion unless the childs identity is being attacked and than they will defend it to the best of their ability and move very strongly toward feminine symbols to build a fortress around their identity.

I had practically unlimited freedom in childhood so I automatically avoided anything that caused conflict with my identity and my environment so to look at my childhood as an indication that I was transsexual for proof would not work, but if you look at how I controlled my environment within the limits of my powers as a child, that is where the proof is.

Bascially I refused to associate with anyone who thought in terms of gender which was all adults and most children. I ran into fantasy and books and never ever bonded to anyone who caused conflict within me by not seeing me as the person I knew I was.

It only became severe as I was pushed more and more into society and as the hormones hit my brain causing it to implode.

Absolutely do not associate being effeminant with being transsexual or being attracted to dolls over other toys. This hugely oversimplifies a very complex subject.

No one in your family and probably no one outside of other transsexuals or those who closely associate with transsexuals will be in the position to define you.

It is far to subtle to be understood by the casual observer.

I have been living with it my whole life and I have barely scratched the surface of understanding.

It is a very very complex experience and subject.

Think about how difficult it is to identify behavior that is specific to men or women that is not based on their body and multiply that by a hundred fold.

[kimdl93]

Nothing 'invalidates' as has been said so many times in the preceding posts, there are no absolutes, no mold, no litmus test. And we all don't fall at exactly the same points on the gender continuum, nor do we necessarily stay in one place all our lives. Some people insist that they just like the clothes...perhaps. Some of us find a comfortable or atleast tolerable place between the two gender poles, either by androgyny or alternating male and female presentations. And some of us, even quite late in life decide, after a lifetime of self denial, to make the transition to full time. All paths are equally valid.

My only hope is that you don't deny yourself something you genuinely need...for fear of not fitting the mold.

[Xrys]

the only "mould" is the ones that society defines for how males and females should act. as we all know, there are concequences for breaking that mould. in elementry and middle school i was teased mercilessy because i did not fit said mould. that is when i started hiding my real self and started acting the role of boy. i pretended to be what i was expected to be, and never told a soul that it all was an act. i burried my true feelings deep inside me and locked them away. and so i carried on for years until finaly, during an emotional breakdown caused by a number of unfourtunate events, it all came rushing to the surface. i had hidden them so well, my mother was completely floored when i finaly worked up enough courage to come out to her.

why did i never say anything when i was younger? because i was afraid of not fitting in with evryone else.

why am i the last person people expect to be ts? because i am a damn good actor and i drew my audiance into believing i was the charecter, and not just an actor. " all the world is a stage", some of us are good at acting out our parts, but at the end of the day, it is still just an act.

so why the deception? fear of not fitting in.

Why the change now? because i am sick of this costume, and sick of this mask, and sick of this play. the actress is ready to retire from a role she never liked playing.

those are the questions i was asked and the answers i gave when comeing out to my mom. we are all different but i can atleast tell you how it is for me.

[ColleenA]

Sarah,

Looking at your OP, my question to you, is: why are you even discussing any gender dysphoria or identity crisis with family members? None of them, I expect, have any training in these issues, so they have no ability to help you sort through anything of the sort.

Instead, as you indicate, they take an adversarial stance to challenge you and make you doubt what is going on inside you. It would seem then that they have a vested interest in encouraging you to maintain the status quo of your life. This can come from any number of reasons, but the crux of the matter is they are not trying to help you.

Your questions deserve legitimate consideration, not offhanded rejection. You may be TS, you may not be - but you should be working on finding your answers, your truth with a trained therapist, someone who can remain objective and offer real guidance as a knowledgeable professional.

Your life is too important to relinquish authority to family members who do not seem concerned with your real needs.

Colleen

[melissakozak]

Family members and friends have various responses to us.

1. Outright rejection.
2. Don't do this around me!
3. Curiosity.
4. Mild acceptance.
5. Full acceptance.
6. And some think they are actually therapists and can fix you.
7. Teasing behavior.

This list is, unfortunately, pretty long, and most people don't react with a positive response. That is reality.....

[Beverley Sims]

Sarah,
If your avatar tells the truth, I see a lovely girl there.
Your and your parents grew up together and they would be used to your feminine appearance and mannerisms as a man.
They would find it hard calling you a woman as much as I have difficulty calling a long time male acquaintance by a different name because he decided to change it.
If you dress around home do not remind them of who you want to be do not ask them to call you by any other name or gender.
Left alone they will judge for themselves and slowly accept you just as HRT will change you over time.
With new friends it is easier they see this nice exciting young girl with an outgoing personality that is going to make their life brighter as well.
Do not tell them your troubles either as they don't want to know.
I do not know how feminine you are, but if you are like a man in a dress you still have further to go.
I judge your appearance on your avatar. I do not feel that you need to shout "I am woman" to everyone either, work on it and let them decide.
When they come around, you have made the grade.
Others may have different views.