I can't help you

[Marleena]

When I first joined here I had finally accepted myself as TG. I really wanted to help others accept themselves too, be it CD/TG and now TS.

A recent PM with another member made me realize the only one that can help you is you. This forum is a great place to feel accepted but only you can learn to accept yourself. So I guess this is my reality check that I can't help like I thought I could. We can't change what the world thinks of us or how they react to us but we can try to help you. In the end it's up to you to take the information and advice given here and use it or not.

Reality check over.:)

[Annaliese]

Ya but we can be there for each other.

[Marleena]

Ya but we can be there for each other.

Yes that is important Annaliesse, but I keep seeing the same people stuck in the same rut with the same issues. We can lead them to the water but we can't make them drink.

[Kate Simmons]

It begins with self acceptance my friend. After that it's up to us as you say to really get to know ourselves and utilize all of our experiences and resources to help us move in a positive direction. No one else can do that for us.

[April_Ligeia]

I agree, Marleena. If things were as bad for me as some posters describe, I would move. Then again, sometimes if you move, you bring your problems with you. You can not help someone who feels persecuted because the response is that you couldn't possibly understand, or that you are one of 'them.' It is a shame, but like Roger Waters wrote, "It's not easy banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall."

[whowhatwhen]

When I first joined here I had finally accepted myself as TG. I really wanted to help others accept themselves too, be it CD/TG and now TS.

A recent PM with another TS member made me realize the only one that can help you is you. This forum is a great place to feel accepted but only you can learn to accept yourself. So I guess this is my reality check that I can't help like I thought I could. We can't change what the world thinks of us or how they react to us but we can try to help you. In the end it's up to you to take the information and advice given here and use it or not.

Reality check over.:)

You helped at least one person.
:)

[RADER]

For the longest time, I felt that IF there where others that enjoyed what I do, they
where very few and far in between. I saw Drag Queens in Australia, but that was an act.
I did not think they would go out dressed beyond the stage.
I did find a few magazines that showed CDers, and TGers, and I still had doughs on
just how prevalent the Whole Dressing Seen was.
I found this site by accident a few years back; It opened my eyes more than I could even
imagine. No longer was I the lonely pebble on the beach, Instead I was in a gravel pit,
among many friends; all who in there own way like to wear woman's clothes.
Yes this Forum has a great place in our lives, if nothing more that to have a place to
converse with like minded people.
Rader

[Marleena]

You helped at least one person.
:)


Why thank you Corrine, but you helped yourself then.:)


Oh and yes Rader this is a wonderful place to fit in.:)

[Melissa Rose]

So true! There is a saying that states "change comes from within".

It can be frustrating to encounter someone who complains about, has been hurt by or is angry about a problem or issue, but who does nothing to change the situation when it is under some form of their control. You can support, comfort and try to help, but, as stated, it is up to that person to ultimate do something about it. Sometimes there are legitimate or rational reasons for the inaction, but often putting some self effort into it can go a long way into creating a change for the better. It does take courage in some cases, but the Wizard cannot give you the courage to make the changes and accept the consequences. It often takes a lot of effort and comes with risk, but so do a lot worthwhile things in our lives. Whether it is risk versus reward or cost versus value, no one can make that decision for you. There are no magic pills or rarely simple solutions to most problems or issues. Relying only on others to help you is often a recipe for eventual failure. Having someone to encourage, guide and support you is wonderful, but the ultimate responsibility for action lies within.

It is a bit painful to read a post or hear comments about someone wanting or seeking approval, validation or acceptance from others (friends, family, society) when it is apparent that person is lacking it in themselves and not realizing it has to first come from within. IMHO, the more self approval, validation and acceptance you posses, the less you need it from others. It is still nice to receive it from others, but it becomes less of a need. It is analogous to the saying about having to love yourself before you can truly love someone else. Helping yourself and loving yourself goes a long way in receiving help and love from others and makes it easier to give them back in return.

[Jaymees22]

Yes, Everyone has to be able to help themselves. Trying to help someone here would be difficult at best, everyone seems to be at a different stage. You might end up hurting more than helping? The best thing here is realizing you're not alone. Hugs Jaymee

[AllieSF]

Marleena, I think I understand what you are saying and agree that in the final analysis one has to take actions to help themselves. However, I think that we all can and do help a lot of people. Our suggestions on how to deal with an issue, how to look at themselves from a different set of eyes to get a different view of things, all this helps a lot. Some help gives quick results and one can say, "I helped that person because I can see they have change because of my participation." Other help gets added to others' help to eventually aid the person to take the needed steps and action to make use of that third person help

[ArleneRaquel]

IMO if we make people think, make them smile we are being a big help.Asmile, a laugh, or a kind thought can really help one get thru the day.

[MsRenee]

Tdis is a great place to place a question that you may have about yourself and issues rhat may he affected by dressing.
Almost all the time your gonna get several different views and its foing to be their choice on which way to approach it.
So as far as I see this place for us gurls to come to for help and advise its a god sent. Longago there wasnt such a place and most of just hid and rhoufht we were one in a million as far as there wasnt anyone even close to doing what we were hiding in the closet.
Renee

[Bootsiegalore]

We can lead them to the water but we can't make them drink.

That is the problem! Lead me to VODKA..... I'll DRINK!

[Marleena]

That is the problem! Lead me to VODKA..... I'll DRINK!


Lol..I'll drink to that!

[Foxglove]

Marleena, I think I understand what you are saying and agree that in the final analysis one has to take actions to help themselves. However, I think that we all can and do help a lot of people.

I'd agree with Allie on this one. (I'm not saying you're wrong, Marleena. You're never wrong.) But there is such a thing as helping others to help themselves.

I know this forum has helped me in that respect. When I see others accepting themselves and getting on with their lives, then I wonder, "Why can't I do that, too?" So I do it.

Monday and Tuesday I was in Dublin for some shopping--ear-rings and stuff like that mostly. But I also tried on a slip in the changing room. Then I had experiences like the one in the ladies' room where I was standing at the mirror doing my hair and lipstick just like everybody else.

Do you think I'd have been doing stuff like that a year ago? No way, Jose. So you can help others to help themselves. I rest my case.

Annabelle

[Marleena]

I'd agree with Allie on this one. (I'm not saying you're wrong, Marleena. You're never wrong.) But there is such a thing as helping others to help themselves.


Oh I have been wrong and will continue to be wrong at times Annabelle.:) I agree with the above but I need to stop making it a mission I'm on. Besides plenty of you others give the same advice out.

[Foxglove]

Oh I have been wrong and will continue to be wrong at times Annabelle.:)

I'm sorry, Marleena, but you're wrong about this.

[Maria S]

Accept yourself and what you are regardless of those around you and then you move up to the next level in CD heaven.

Maria

[Jennifer Marie P.]

We are all here to help each other.

[KellyJameson]

I like that Jimmy Stewart movie "Its a Wonderful Life" because that movie showed the value one human life has to touch others and what happens if that person never lived.

The thing about helping people, you do not want to approach it as if it is your job to "fix them" because you may than feel like you have failed them or the frustration of them not getting "fixed" creates annoyance in you for them.

You have a generosity of spirit that seems boundless at times and I can almost feel you vibrate in your love for others. It really is amazing to watch but this also could leave you feeling hurt like your gifts have been rejected.

Life is the problem and it never really gets "fixed", the only thing that changes is what needs to be "fixed" as a problem that must be confronted and hopefully transcended.

Sometimes the way a problem is transcended is by just accepting it and learning how to live as full a life as possible within the limits that life imposes on us.

The limits we impose on ourselves is another matter and this is always a personal voyage regardless of how much is shared with others.

A life is defined by the persons relationship they have with themselves. It is really never about others but always about that person inside us that we live with.

This is the relationship you are confronting when you try to help others.

Be careful not to hurt yourself while you are trying to help others because than you will hurt them as well

Share your story and in this sharing those who need it and are ready for it will take it and make it their own.

[Beverley Sims]

At the end of the day we can only advise others according to our personal opinions.
If they do not wish to take that advice so be it.
If their condition keeps deteriorating and they do not seek guidance elsewhere we can only be tolerant and endeavour to help in other ways.
I do not propose we pester them, or give up either.

[AllieSF]

Marleena, there is nothing wrong with your self elected mission to help everyone. That may be just what the big guy or gal up above wants you to do. Sometimes your help will show immediate results and sometimes not. Sometimes your help is received and other times rejected. If you like to help, please never stop that because deep down inside that is who you are, along with all that other stuff that you are like a good worker, married, an attractive person not only on the outside but also on the inside, and a person dealing with your own issues.

[paulaprimo]

BUT YOU DID HELP ME!!

for whatever its worth and whether you know it or not, you personally, and this site has helped me tremendously. i did drink the water!! but you led
me there. you are one of my favorites here, and i enjoy your comments and threads so much. you have helped me in many more ways than you will ever know. i remeber buying my first pair of jeans, after reading a thread you started. i think i did send you a message about that too.
never in a million years did i ever think or plan on getting out of my closet!! the door on my closet has been ripped off! the confidence i have in myself now, even shocks me. i do go out now, probably more than i should...lol but i both love it and enjoy it and only wish i started going out sooner.
so the bottom line for me, is that i took the advice and info and ran with it! AND I THANK YOU FOR THAT :)

[RenneB]

Same here... YOU actually helped me. We chatted and you and some others gave me that little bit of encouragement that I needed to get out and about.... little by little with a bazillion baby steps, I made it. Passed the front door and haven't looked back.

Thank you.

Renne.....

[kimdl93]

Valid point, Marleena. It's just like therapy...learning calculus or to ride a bike for that matter. Well meaning people, like us, can offer advice, share our experience or insights and offer encouragement. But if a person hasn't learned to accept herself, no amount of kumbaya will help.

[Frédérique]

A recent PM with another member made me realize the only one that can help you is you. This forum is a great place to feel accepted but only you can learn to accept yourself.

Maybe YOU are actually seeking help, but publicly expounding a declaration of acceptance to show everyone how it must be. Yes, self-reliance is important, but few individuals have constructed such a well-maintained pedestal to stand upon. If you have truly accepted yourself, I think your stoic presence here is helping everyone…

Have you helped me? Let me check...um...hold on...er...ah...YES! :battingeyelashes:

[Tracii G]

Marleena your post have helped me quite a few times so thank you!
All we can do is try to help guide each other and give support when we can.

[Marleena]

Ah crap it seems this thread has gone wrong. I'm not seeking praise but thanks for the nice compliments.:) This was my feeble attempt of self realization that I can't change the world as much I'd love to.

I think Kelly said it best when she said we touch each others in ways we aren't even aware of or expect.

[AmyGaleRT]

But you do help me, Marleena. You and all the other ladies here help me with every post I read. Each one is another opportunity to laugh, or to think, or to offer words of encouragement, or to share my experience, or to share in another's joy, or simply to crank up my feminine empathy and feel with that person.

I have tried to offer my own help in kind. The feedback I've seen indicates I'm succeeding to an extent. :)

- Amy

[Beverley Sims]

Marleena and Amy,
I reiterate my previous reply.
Do not take it personally that people do not reply.
Even Tamara was upset once by the perceived lack of response from someone she had helped.
Now there is a tough babe, I would not want to mess with.
She is obviously human too.
I am sorry we just have to move on if we are to progress.

[Angela Campbell]

Yes that is important Annaliesse, but I keep seeing the same people stuck in the same rut with the same issues. We can lead them to the water but we can't make them drink.

This is true. But some need to know where the water is to begin with. I like a line in a song I heard once

"no I don't need a miracle but I could use a push in the right direction"

[kimdl93]

This is true. But some need to know where the water is to begin with. I like a line in a song I heard once

"no I don't need a miracle but I could use a push in the right direction"

I don't think we can provide much push. I think the pull, the attraction of possibility, as demonstrated by others, can sometimes help overcome the inertia. But at the same time, I see what Marleena is talking about. Many of us have deeply ingrained emotional issues and behaviors that stand in the way of personal growth. You can think of many recent posts by individuals lamenting their situation, but feeling trapped. They often express envy and wish their lives could change...to be more like those they admire. But I'd first remind these individuals that every person, even those who seem to be living the dream, still face the challenges of daily life. And second, each of us who has experienced growth or realization of living some or all of our lives as women, each of us has faced barriers and found the resolve to overcome them or circumvent them. It's the doing...drinking the water...taking action that makes the difference.

[donnalee]

Just to play devil's advocate amid this festival of sweetness and light, let me add this comment.
Altruism is, in essence, a vice; do not think that anyone will thank you, reward you or even notice that you have made any contribution at all. Remember that no good deed goes unpunished and punishment is cumulative and always severe.
After recognizing and thoroughly understanding the above, induldge yourself! I will applaud you, think highly of you and stand by you to take on the world if called upon; this is a vice in which I have frequently indulged in a long and checkered past. Just understand the likely results and you won't be dissapointed.

[Foxglove]

Just to play devil's advocate amid this festival of sweetness and light, let me add this comment.
Altruism is, in essence, a vice. . .

Spoken like a true cynic. No telling how many times in my life I've said something similar. I must be mellowing in my old age, though. A friend of mine just did me a very great service, and I left her in no doubt as to how grateful I was. And will I ever repay my debt with acts, not just words? I've already offered. And I meant it.

Annabelle

[Wildaboutheels]

Only a small percentqge of members, actually participate here to help.

OR to learn.

With the expectant result.

[Melissa Rose]

Altruism is, in essence, a vice; do not think that anyone will thank you, reward you or even notice that you have made any contribution at all. Remember that no good deed goes unpunished and punishment is cumulative and always severe.

Wow. I am glad most people do not feel this way. My experience is to the contrary so I will continue to help where and when possible. If altruism is a vice then it is one I am proud to have and, unlikely many vices, one that will not lead an earlier demise. True altruism is not about receiving anything in return, keeping score or getting recognition.

If it is a dog eat dog world then don't wear Milk Bone underwear.

[NicoleScott]

A little hard on donnalee, I think, who was just offering a reality check.
There are some people who won't do anything charitable without recognition. I remember years ago a celebrity who went to visit wounded soldiers in a hospital. The camera crew was delayed about an hour. Instead of beginning the visitation without cameras rolling, he sat iin the waiting room fuming over his stolen spotlight.
But I agree that real altruism isn't about getting thanks or recognition.
Here, we can't push help onto others. We tell our stories. Sometimes it helps others, sometimes we are helped by reading others' stories. Unfortunately, there are some here who, having finally figured it out for themselves, think they have the answers for all.

[CassandraSmith]

I can help you.

However, I'm trained in it. Most people are not. Most are really working on their own stuff when they try to help people. I know not to work harder on the client's issue than they are are. I have boundaries. I know about self care.

Here's a simple test... if you'd rather be [fishing,skiing,Youtubing,walking,riding,surfing,et cetera] than helping, you are in the right frame of mind to do some good.

Cassy

[Shelly Preston]

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