Invalidation 101

[LeaP]

We mention invalidation frequently. In my opinion, it HAPPENS frequently. Have you ever considered how many ways it happens? Here are a few ... what are yours? TS responses only, please and I'd especially love to hear the perspective of those in and past transition.

Wrong pronouns, wrong name

Use of the term "real" (or similar qualifiers), as in real woman

Biological determinism arguments

"Everyone thinks that way sometimes" (responses to describing emotions and conflicts related to gender)

Perjorative procedure terms like mutilation

Pathologization of sex/gender conflict

Assumption of sexual agenda or paraphilia

Assumption of pretense or deception

Assumption of (hidden) gay male sexual identity

Denial of privilege

Accusations of perpetuating stereotypes

"I never would have known you were ..."

Allegations of sinfulness or immorality

Intra-community invalidations (e.g., assumptions of hierarchy or relative "realness")

Consequences - job loss, relationship loss (many factors here, obviously)

"Different" gendering, I.e., not a woman, but trans, or two-spirit, or ...

Assumption of control, e.g., being involuntarily outed

Transphobia tolerance ... Because IT, after all, is understandable ...

Denial of insurance

Legal barriers (gender markers, BCs, etc.)

And the biggie, IMHO - simple denial that one has an innate sense of gender

[Kathryn Martin]

Paying for transitioning in place

[KellyJameson]

The scary thing about your list is that I'm guilty of doing many of those things on it at some point in my life.

[LeaP]

Kelly

Me too. The term "internalized transphobia" exists for a reason.

Such thinking also crop up in unexpected ways. In my last session, I mentioned reading several NHIH study abstracts on white/gray matter brain differentiation in transsexuals. Her comment? That I was looking for justification. I had to think about it, but at some level I was. There's the biological determinism right there, albeit in a different form. I've slipped on pronouns myself and, in one case that I specifically recall, I KNOW it was because I was gendering her male.

I appreciate your honesty, Kelly. It really shouldn't surprise any of us that we are subject to some of the same thinking as everyone else, though.

[melissaK]

Kelly

Ditto. I have long been my own worst enemy, and it remains something I work on. I constantly stereotype, assume, rationalize, judge, rank, patronize, condescend, etc. In counseling just a few hours ago I called one of my TS feelings "silly." My counsellor calls me on these things, but I'm still learning.

I'm new to the being kinda out part of this, and so far I've already been hit by a half dozen on LeaP's list.
Though I thought the "I never knew" comments were tributes to my closet building skill, because I'm not trying to pass as anything at present.

Other that came up for me already were these:
"I just can't understand that at all" (complete dismissal as a subject worth acknowledging)
"How could you lie to your wife like that!" (Just reread the list: assumption of deception)

And some aren't so much invalidating as 'over validating' to result in exclusion, like these:
"You're so brave!"
"So when is your ::snip snip:: surgery?" (Bordering on the self mutilation category)

This journey is an E ticket for sure. :)

(Edit add: Writing this I realize I've been angered by many of these comments, all from close family and friends, and it explains why I've been feeling so militant about me coming out; I really am getting a FU attitude, and harbor delusions of specializing in gender law and lobbying. Like I said, I'm new at this coming out stuff and the emotions that go with it. In my youth I was a big anti-war activist, a role I left behind, but as a professional litigator, that "I don't take crap from anyone" attitude has served me a d my clients well. I can see I'm going to have to work on getting a thicker skin, and developing diplomatic responses).

[LeaP]

The question about surgery is interesting in several ways, Melissa. That people feel entitled to ask such a question is evidence of the sexualization of transsexuality – a type of invalidation in itself. It's kind of shorthand for asking whether someone is complete or real yet. And, it's a double bind. There is a negative interpretation, or invalidation, possible with any answer to the question.

"I never would have known…" may be well intended, but If you restate the comment together with with its unstated assumption, the real meeting becomes clear: "I never would have known that you are really a man."

I should add a few more commonplace and personal types of invalidations, too.

One is the accusation of midlife crisis.

Another is the allegation of obsessive-compulsive problems.

One can have their motives questioned in ways other than sexual, as in "do you really think your life will be better as a woman?"

There is the death of 1000 cuts approach. This consists of every story, every interpretation, every life event, every bit of psychological history being assigned a meeting other than what you assign yourself.

[KellyJameson]

I would be interested in your thoughts on the concept of gender if you ever want to share them.

I have a difficult time experiencing the world in anything but binary as woman and man, either/or , one or the other.

Plus my sexuality has been severely affected by my identity and I would like to know how others have avoided this.

I basically destroyed my sexuality to keep my identity but yet there was not much there to destroy so it was not really hard to do.

I feel like I was born both without a sexuality and an identity but the identity was always there exerting its will and sex was a tool to avoid being alone but a faulty tool none the less because I had to will my sexuality into exsitence.

My life has been one long surreal trip.