I need your help.

[Theonethatleads]

I have never posted any question out for help...in fact this is my first time to visit a site of this nature or any for that matter. However, recently I have hit a wall that I don't understand completly.
I have read many of your threads and everyone in my opinion does wish to help. So here I go.
My goodness I have been on a 20+ year journey with my spouse. I never had any problem with the cd. In fact, I after some time suspected. My manly man liked my stuff Alot. So, I helped him....accept her. It could have been my confidence in who I am, my great love for him, not really sure. I still remember almost being afraid to "confirm" what I thought because if I was wrong...well...that might have hurt. I still remember him looking at my teddy....eyes all like a kid in the candy store...a kid with no money anyway. I asked him if he would wear it? He kinda acted like ummm no...but I persuaded him it was what I wanted. So, he did! I never stopped him/her. Except I did draw the line on my shoes. (One thing that made me think??? was the fact that shoes fit me perfect one day and a week later were flipping off my foot) We do not do anything in public. For our children, work...yada yada. One family rule always was...Everyone (including children) have a need for privacy. So, once we went to our room we were in our private time. ALWAYS AVAILABLE FOR AN EMERGENCY! Obviously, I attended all said emergencies. We have a personal, private life.
Now here lies my need for advise. We have 4 children. One son is going thru an idenity crisis. I swear this kid has pulled just about everything. Now, he thinks he is gay. Now I honestly don't think so. I think it might be just the same thing...mis understanding that he is gay. I know that I know my husband is not. Yet, he seems to feel to uncomfortable to even talk with him on anything on the subject. I know he chooses to keep this between us. I know that this child has a mouth and "telling him" would be out of the question....however, I don't know why we can't broach the subject with him. In fact we can't really talk about it ourselves. I talk he listens... What could be the problem? We have never had a problem talking about this...I have always understood and been supportive. Yet, can not discuss the possibility that our son might prefer this as well.
Any thoughts? I have spent all these years really understanding...how can he be so shut down to this possibility? The fact of the matter is I don't care if he is gay...I love my family for who they are... He doesn't seem to care if he is gay....but what could this be? I want peace for my son...the same peace I see in his dad.

Thanks for reading my book...and any advice you might have.

[RADER]

First thing is to Welcome you to the Forum; I am sure you will get some answers here.
How old is your son? If he is in High School, He might still have Gender questions.
If he is in grade school, he is still looking for a gender identity. Try your school councilor,
they might be able to refer you to someone that can help you on a 1 to 1 scenario.
Rader

[Theonethatleads]

Well, he just turned 17. He is literally a genious...so, fitting in has never ever been anything that he has experienced. He was a straight A student. I say was because he dropped out of highschool....to get his GED. I was angry with that decision. I won't lie. However, I do see his point about just getting on with his life and just getting to college...it really has been tough for him in school. When your a 1st grader and your at highschool reading level....conversations are limited. I say idenity crisis because in 2 years his "look" has changed dramatically several times. From Jock look, Goth to full suit and tie..you name it I have seen it....except the dress.

[mikiSJ]

Welcome, welcome, welcome

Many adolescents/young adults act in strange ways to hide a very personal problem. Maybe he is gay, maybe he has gender issues, maybe he is bi-polar and you are seeing the beginnings, maybe he is schizophrenic. (My greater family has all of these symptoms somewhere!)

Maybe he simply likes to annoy you! (I did that!)

Love him, pay attention to what he is doing and protect him until he understands what is going with him.

[Theonethatleads]

Thank you...Yes, he does like to annoy me...I did let him set an appointment to talk to someone else...just in case he just didnt want to share with me.

[Melissa Rose]

I feel for you and what are going through. It has to be difficult and having so many unknowns only makes matters worse. It is difficult to get to the heart of matters when some of the parties will not open up or there are no set rules.

Please allow me to backtrack a little to perhaps make my response make more sense, and I apologize if any of it is screamingly obvious.

There are four oversimplified definitions I find useful when treading these types for waters:
1. Biological sex - this is your physical sex which is determined by your chromosomes (male or female, and ignores the rare intersexed person)
2. Sexual orientation - the biological sex you are physically and sexually attracted to. Your biological sex determines whether you are hetero- or homosexual by definition (and ignores asexual individuals)
3. Gender expression - the gender whose appearance and/or behavior you like or prefer to exhibit or express. This is primarily socially and culturally defined, and covers the spectrum from very feminine to very masculine and everything in between or both.
4. Gender identity - the gender in which you more identify or "feel like" (male or female).

Generally viewed, these four are independent of each other, and they manifest themselves in any combinations with some combinations more common than others. The majority of the population is heterosexual with their gender expression and gender identity following their biological sex (e.g., a male who is only sexually attracted to females, who wants to mostly appear and behave masculine, and mostly identifies as a male).

Transsexuals are those whose biological sex and gender identity are strongly opposed. Cross dressers would be those whose biological sex and gender identity are more closely aligned, but whose gender expression is not. This is a bit oversimplified and black and white, but it gets the point across. If you notice, sexual orientation is not connected to gender expression or identity. In other words, your biological sex being opposite of your gender expression or identity does not mean are you gay; just as much as being gay does not mean you identify as the opposite sex or want to express yourself as the opposite sex.

Based on your description, your husband is a biological and heterosexual male and identifies as a male, but likes to gender express as female. Your son is a biological and homosexual male (assuming his self identification is accurate), but has shown no tendencies towards female expression and/or identity. Using the broad definition of transgendered, your husband is but your son is not. Your son's being gay does not mean he is a cross dresser or transsexual. There are hetero and homosexual cross dressers and transsexuals. Current data shows most male to female cross dressers are heterosexual. There is also no data showing a genetic cause of sexual orientation, gender expression or gender identity - they are not inherited or learned characteristics.

Being gay and being transgendered are two different things, and they are not linked. While it is possible your son is a cross dresser or transsexual, thus it being a possible source of his thinking or saying he is gay, his being gay (if true) does not make it true or more likely. A discussion of your son's sexual orientation and his gender expression or identity are different subjects, but intertwined. In expressing your love and acceptance of your son whether he is gay or not, you can combine expressing the same if he is transgendered. A deeper exploration through communication or therapy of his gender status and sexual orientation may bring some more clarity to all. At younger ages, it is not always easy to figure out the differences especially if you do not have similar peers or a trusted support system around you. A discussion of your son's sexual orientation and your husband's gender expression are different subjects. It is possible interjecting your husband's cross dressing may confused or complicate matters. IMHO, only if it would create a better sense of support and acceptance or a better bond should be it brought up as part of the same discussion.

As to why your husband does not want to discuss the possibility of your son being a cross dresser or his own cross dressing would be speculative on my part. If I had to guess, it would be your husband is not comfortable discussing cross dressing because he has not fully accepted it within himself and/or does not understand the source of his desire or need to cross dress. He may be embarrassed, ashamed or afraid in some way or form. Perhaps he believes, contrary to your words or actions, the subject upsets or embarrasses you or would erode your love for him if he reveals his thoughts and feelings about it. It may take time and patience to get him to open up, and it may never happen to the degree you would like. Your husband and son are unique individuals, and their personal issues are also. Like Father - Like Son does not apply in this situation.

I wish you the best through this difficult journey. You may want to check out the FAB (Female At Birth) section of the forum for additional and different insights and to connect with other spouses.

[Theonethatleads]

Thank you...

I guess maybe I should have mentioned the reason I'm thinking cd...He currently "finds" ways or "excuses" to have chosen to express this.
1. Toe nails and fingernails are painted most of the time.
2. Wears eyeliner and lip gloss.
3. Shaves his legs...I kinda knew he was full of crap last summer when it was over 100 degres outside and he was in jeans ans decided he didn't ever want to swim (pool in back yard)...unless he was the only one out there (late at night)so.....I just asked. He said yes...but don't tell Dad. My thoughts were (If you only knew)
4. Asked me if I thought he would have been a pretty girl.
He always has a girl friend, and we do talk open about sex.(safe sex and the emotions that come with it.) Maybe more open than some parents feel comfortable. He did tell me he thought he was gay...I know many cd's find it hard to even tell their spouses without them thinking they are gay...so, I can't imagine a 17 year old and how society tends to label people...what conclussion they would come up with.

[Ariamythe]

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm so new to all this myself that I don't know I could offer any solid advice about how to deal with your son beyond what's already been said: love him and support him and make sure he never feels ashamed to tell you anything. Clearly, if you think he's got some trans or gender issue, as your husband is a CDer it might actually help for him to be the "go to" parent here. Even if he doesn't tell your son, he might be better able to help the kid navigate whatever feelings he's having.

[Beverley Sims]

I am inclined to think CD as well.
Try and get him to open up and share his "secret" with you
You can find some tasteful X dressing literature or article and leave it as bait for him to pick up and read if he is leaning that way.

When he says he is gay, this opens up the lines of communication and you can ask him if he likes boys or girls and in the same sentence,....
Ask him then if he has ever dressed as a girl and did he like it.
This might jolt him into confiding in you.
If you get a positive reply you could buy him a pair of girls pajamas not too feminine for him to wear.
This would ease the relationship even more.

He is probably not ready to share it with his father, there is a macho thing still there that does not have to be destroyed.
He can learn about his father at a later date

[Angela Campbell]

He sounds a lot like me. I was similar when younger. I never fit in. I was reading well before kindergarden and was always placed in the advanced classes. I didn't really understand the other kids and they didn't accept me. I did a lot of things I shouldn't have to try to fit in. I quit school after the 9th grade and got a GED a few years later and eventually went to college on my own. At the time I was that age homosexuality and transgenderism was not as much accepted as it is today so your son has more latitude in experimenting. I think he is just trying to find his place in the world and trying to figure out who and what he is. Support him but still help to guide him so he can be successful later in life. A lot of decisions made at that age can have implications for the entire life.

[larry]

Boy you sound like a classy Lady. I am in no way qualified to give any advice.. BUT ---hehe--I am not sure I see the problem. YOU are the confidant to both of these people.
Just continue being that and supporting without mixing one person with the other. Time will take care of that later..

[Theonethatleads]

He sounds a lot like me. I was similar when younger. I never fit in. I was reading well before kindergarden and was always placed in the advanced classes. I didn't really understand the other kids and they didn't accept me. Support him but still help to guide him so he can be successful later in life. A lot of decisions made at that age can have implications for the entire life.

Agree'd...we have 4 children and it's been very hard. I'm educated, however, he has lost me several times. I found myself "reading up" several times just to communicate with him. He is really that smart. He is doing what he said he would do...he already started the classes...they told him looks like he qualifies for a 2 year full schlorship...based on his test score...which will be nothing short of 100. He wants to be a writer...has a blog...but won't share it with me. Not sure why...he says it's a writers thing. So, although it hurts my feelings...I respect his request.( He has shared several journals and poems that are amazing). You know also, I explained to him(because I know he is sexually active)...that when I was his age I too participated in some activity that he might not believe "Mom" would have ever done. That didn't define me....but I did learn from it.

[Theonethatleads]

Thank you...Yes, I can see where I could come to one conclusion based on just speculative behavior. Your right just being there for my family is the important thing.

[Theonethatleads]

I am inclined to think CD as well.
Try and get him to open up and share his "secret" with you
You can find some tasteful X dressing literature or article and leave it as bait for him to pick up and read if he is leaning that way.

When he says he is gay, this opens up the lines of communication and you can ask him if he likes boys or girls and in the same sentence,....
Ask him then if he has ever dressed as a girl and did he like it.
This might jolt him into confiding in you.
If you get a positive reply you could buy him a pair of girls pajamas not too feminine for him to wear.
This would ease the relationship even more.

He is probably not ready to share it with his father, there is a macho thing still there that does not have to be destroyed.
He can learn about his father at a later date

Yes, the Macho thing is a def....D was class President...football star...Mechanic...all around "PERFECT" Guy that everyone loves ( I say everyone tries to use...js)....older brother..Soccer star...overly confident (actually to a fault...continually had to find balance for that one.) now Army..Infantry. Both sisters are stylist...lol....always practiced on him. So, my answer to his one question was yes you make a very pretty girl. He is not imbarrassed...so he posted on fb his sisters make up practice....this "look thing" over the past few years was in my opinion an easy way to be unpredictable and get little or no response from what "peers" he does have.

[ReineD]

Gosh, I'm really late to this, I was out of the country. But your son sounds like my SO intellectually. He also was accustomed to being unlike his peers while younger, because of his intellect. He now has an advanced degree in a science field and things really only began to come together for him socially once in college, but they really came together for him after he obtained his undergrad degree. My SO began crossdressing at age 12. And it does sound as if your son might be a crossdresser.

If he is like most other young crossdressers, it is likely very sexual for him at the moment and it may involve fantasies of being a woman sexually (which is common), hence his confusion over maybe being gay. And this might be why he is reluctant to talk to you about it. What teenage boy likes to discuss his sexual behaviors with his mom? :p

You could take the bull by the horns and tell him there are men who enjoy shaving their bodies, wearing nail polish, and also dressing in women's clothes, and it doesn't mean they are gay, if this is why he was asking. And also tell him that he is perfectly safe with you, and you are his mother and will love him no matter what, but you do understand if he is reluctant to discuss this with you.

There are many resources about crossdressing, both online and in print. I haven't read it, but Helen Boyd's "My Husband Betty" comes highly recommended as a resource to help understand a crossdresser's mindset ... (although Betty did eventually transition, but this was not in the plans when Helen wrote that book). Maybe some of the members who have read it can advise if this book would be TMI for a teenager?

It can take a long time for even CDers to understand themselves. There is no blueprint for this in their lives, not when they are socialized as males. So it does not surprise me if your son is confused.

It occurs to me that your son has likely been online looking for info. The concern is that he should get the right info. There are many trans-porn sites online with "********" (a derogatory term for transpersons, meaning a female bodied person with a penis) who are having sex with men and you do not want your son to believe this is what the crossdressing is all about.

[Ezekiel]

Thank you...

I guess maybe I should have mentioned the reason I'm thinking cd...He currently "finds" ways or "excuses" to have chosen to express this.
1. Toe nails and fingernails are painted most of the time.
2. Wears eyeliner and lip gloss.
3. Shaves his legs...I kinda knew he was full of crap last summer when it was over 100 degres outside and he was in jeans ans decided he didn't ever want to swim (pool in back yard)...unless he was the only one out there (late at night)so.....I just asked. He said yes...but don't tell Dad. My thoughts were (If you only knew)
4. Asked me if I thought he would have been a pretty girl. .

This does sound CD a lot to me. I recall doing the same thing when younger, except for the shaving. Does he have long hair too? I let my hair grow to the end of my back to look more like a girl back in my teens.

Being CD makes you go through the confusion department of hell itself, its like being trapped deep in a labyrinth with no clue what your next step should be.
Having a parent that is CD aswell could help a lot sorting this out really, but I just can't see why he doesn't want to cooperate with the subject, probably is what Melissa points, he might not be fully comfortable with it. Heck if my dad was CD I would have an easier time...

[Rachelakld]

My daughters just went to our citys gay parade, I've taken the on outing to the city where they see CD TS and all the other aspects of life. They know we support variety and when we see these things we chat in a positive light and defend their rights to be who they want to be.
At the age of 19, I accidently left a clue which my mum found, she washed my bra, stockings & undies and returned them nicely folded, no words required (except - don't let dad know)