why do I care

[Stevie]

I do not dress for anybody but myself. Does that make me selfish. Probably but it is the truth. I am who I am and know how others would feel about me if they knew the whole story. So except for my wife who already disapproves but tolerates it I choose to keep my dressing hidden. I do not really care for anybody else to know since I already know what they will say.I know I'm confused and need to take it slow but sometimes it gets too frustrating.

[Beverley Sims]

Your attitude may change as you grow older.
One important thing towards caring is acceptance by your wife.
You are more likely to cater for your wifes taste for peace of mind.

[Stevie]

I do cater to my wife's needs and she has given me her blessing but I see it in her eyes.the hurt the pain. It does hurt that I can't share my feelings with anybody. I feel like an cage animal. Felt like this all my life. All I want is to be able to fit in and I know that's a dream. I have beenalready labeled everything under the sun and had to learn how to build walls. People can be very cruel.

[Melissa Rose]

Huh? Where is the rule that says cross dressing has to be shared and shown to others, or you have to dress for others, or in way that they specify or approve? If you want to keep it a secret from some or all, it is your choice. If you want to broadcast it for the world to see and know, it is your choice. Why does not sharing it make you selfish? Keeping it a secret on your wife's behalf is not selfish especially when you do not want to keep it a secret. There is a difference between desire and requirement. There is no requirement to share. It may not be a good idea to completely keep it a secret from a spouse or SO, but how is keeping it private only to those you want to know wrong in any way or form?

Your main message seems to be you choose to keep your cross dressing a secret because you know how others will think, but you are frustrated about having to do so. Again, how is that selfish? It is more self preservation and playing the odds or hunches. Unless you are a mind reader and can predict the future, you do not know what others will say or feel. You may be right more times than wrong, but you do not know for sure. Plenty before you have been wrong predicting who falls on what side of the tolerance and acceptance fence. Or are you looking for an excuse to get past your fears of going public (i.e., I'm being selfish and that is wrong, thus I should not be selfish and tell everyone.)

If you are looking for complete tolerance or acceptance by every one, you will not find it. Only you can decide how much you are willing to lose by others knowing, and whether what others think about you can rule your life. When you are in a relationship, the other person's feeling and desires are a big factor also. It is a balancing act and one that has to be worked through. Which ever way it tilts is the way both of you have to learn to live with. Failure to come to peace with it leads to unhappiness and conflict. Sometimes you have to suck it up and live with it for the greater good. But isn't life like that in a lot of cases?

[Annaliese]

I dress for only me, if other like fine, if I get comments that will improve my dressing great, but I do it for me and that is not selfish.

[AllieSF]

Melissa has answered you very well. In my case I dress and go out all the time and interact with everyone I meet. However, I am very much in the closet for my family and friends. I have no "need" to tell them and have more to lose than gain if I did. I am not being selfish, I am being practical and wise! Now, if you were transitioning, then I believe that one needs to be selfish, expect the worst and hope for the best, and be ready to lose some things, friends and love along the way. Just enjoy what you have and based on all of us other members here, you are way ahead of the curve based on your wife knowing and tolerating this. Enjoy, enjoy and love your wife in all the ways that that love means.

[kimdl93]

Of course you dress for yourself. It's human nature, not unique to CDrs. It's only selfish if you put your CDing ahead of your family.

But I have a question. What are you confused and frustrated about?

[docrobbysherry]

The previous posters covered it pretty well, and Kim asked the question I had in mind. So, all I can add is this:

I dress at home and in private to suit myself. Always have, always will! However, I've come to really enjoy the company of other dressers. And, we meet out at various venues. Some vanilla, some TG accepting clubs. That's when I CAN'T dress the way I would like to! Blending, mixing, fitting in, whatever u call it! If u don't wish to offend your sisters, u must compromise your looks!

So, Stevie, if u want to go meet other dressers, then u should. The compromises r well worth the companionship you'll find!

My 2 cents.

[Stevie]

I'm confused about how I once thought all this was going to be simply putting on a skirt and some high heels to the point now I'm researching make up and jewelry. Never realized how much is involved.

I'm fustrated with known that my wife is never truly going to accept or see me the same way ever again. My biggest fear is opening up and having everything I worked for vanish before my eyes.

[Stephanie Michelle]

Stevie, I think that is most of our fears at one time or another about losing everything you worked hard for. A lot of us also thought just pantyhose and lipstick would take care of what we thought we needed. The longer you are into the "world" we all live in the more you will want to do. It never stops. It can consume more time and energy than you ever thought it could. Once you realize this is a part of you and it will not go away, you can learn to control and enjoy it. The big question is your wife and how she will deal with it. Every wife/SO deals with it their own way. You can't change the way they feel, but you can give them all the love and respect you can and educate them about what C/Ding is all about. Go slow and if she can't deal with it you can always DADT and just hope she doesn't catch you. Good luck

[Tracii G]

My two ex wives never knew this side of me while we were married.My second ex I told 6 years after we split and she was very accepting and said I made a darn good looking woman.
Go figure.
I don't think you are being selfish at all.The sad thing is you have no one to share this side of you with.

[Maria S]

It is human nature to progress in what we do. Everything from playing the latest X-Box game to getting promotion at work or meeting a woman, courting her, falling in love and getting married. Most of us start slowly a pair of tights in the bedroom through to some living 24/7. It's a bit of an addiction always wanting more.

Maria

[Stephanie47]

I'm fustrated with known that my wife is never truly going to accept or see me the same way ever again. My biggest fear is opening up and having everything I worked for vanish before my eyes.

I understand your position. Even though my wife and I engaged in cross dressing in the bedroom (Hosiery and nightgowns) she was turned off cross dressing, when she and I both realized my interest in women's attire was more than just play. It was not sprung on her as in the classic sense. No blurting out one day, "Hey, I'm a cross dresser."

It took a long time for her not to display her disapproval. I guess after forty years of marriage, she realizes, except for the cross dressing I'm a great husband. However. she does not see me in the same light as before the realization. My femme time is totally my private time.

I would find it very difficult to remain married if my wife were to openly display her disapproval. If she were to ridicule me every day, I guess it would end the marriage. I've said it many time on this forum, once a non accepting wife finds out, she will never see you in the same light. I envy those who find their wives are supportive. I would never force my interests upon her or "throw it in her face." That's counterproductive.

I wish you well. I responded to your post/thread on taking flak from family members for being a H?H; house husband. Sometimes people are intentionally cruel. It's difficult trying to be the person that you are not.

[Stevie]

My wife has told me that I make a great husband. That means the world to me. But I still feel like a prisoner. I'm trying to be more compassionate and productive around the house. Old me was just the opposite. Change is hard and being inpatient makes it ten times worst.

[Dana L]

Give it time. My wife didn't seem to be real thrilled when I came out to her but she accepted it. Over time she saw I was still me but a softer more sensitive and calmer me. She also saw how much it made me feel better about life. Now she likes me as Dana and encourages me to dress quite offten. I still don't go out in pubic as Dana and I don't think I'm being selfish, just selfconcious about the judjement of others. I went out for halloween as Dana and had the time of my life. I hope to get to the point that I can do that without it being halloween.

[kimdl93]

Stevie, it seems that your confusion stemmed from being new. We don't start out knowing everything about clothes, makeup, hair, and accessorizing. GGs don't either. They apprentice through childhood, adolescence and puberty. So you have a lot to learn, but here's no rush. You'll feel less confusion as you become better skilled.

Your frustration is based on an assumption that may be false. You do not know the future, nor how your wife is going to respond in the long run. You can influence this somewhat by the way you communicate with your wife, the actions you take to reinforce her confidence and trust, and the manner in which you attend to her needs and concerns.

But beyond that you must realize that frustration is only an emotion and you can choose your emotional response to the question of your wife's acceptance. Instead of frustration, you could accept that the two of you may never agree on this. Or you may accept that it is a long and sometimes difficult and undo certain process, but commit yourself to doing what you can to move the two of you towards common ground.