Little confused in need of oppionons

[sonna]

not really sure how to put this. so here gos. im usually really good
about figuring things out for myself but lately i have hit a wall so
to speek.....

heres were im stuck!

i want to be a girl,woman,lady but at the same time i don't

and it just keeps rolling around in my head.
any thoughts and oppionons would be helpful
it is getting to the point to were i cant sleep at night
so if any body is going through the same thing or has
been there i would really love the input.. thank you in advance

[scarlett112]

I know exactly how your feeling. I also am going through the same thing. I feel like I'd be happier as a woman but it's always back and forth.

[Rianna Humble]

Sonna and Scarlett, that could be gender dysphoria, but it could just as easily be what the cross-dressers call "pink fog".

I would like you to ask yourselves some questions:


Why do you want to be a woman? What difference do you think it would make to your life?

When you look in the mirror, what do you see? How does that relate to your ingrained knowledge of who you are?

Why do you think you would be happier as a woman? How would that affect how you relate to the world in which you live?


At the risk of sounding harsh, I think that I ought to point out that MtF transsexuals don't "want to be a woman", we are women who can no longer take the pretence of maleness.

If there is anything or anyone in your life that is more important to you that bringing your body into conformity with who you really are on the inside, then transition is not for you at this point in your life. In fact, I would go so far as to say that in my not so humble opinion to transition under those circumstances is more likely than not to lead to an unmitigated disaster.

Despite what I have just written, it is not for me to say what you should do with your lives. I would, however, urge you to see a competent professional and explore those feelings with her.

[sonna]

sorry its not the pink fog that comes and goes this has been naging me for a long time

[Kaitlyn Michele]

if it goes back and forth, then let it...

don't let yourself get caught up the idea of being transsexual...see how that works out for you...explore your femme side...you look like you know how to present...get out there and present.

my perspective is someone that thought i was crossdressing for 30 years..and i never considered how it was overwhelming my life and how my "real life" was just a place marker for when i could "go out"...

only you know for sure...generally speaking when people come to ts forum and ask, the response is often if you have to ask then don't worry about it..

rianna's questions are the ones you need to answer
also
why do you also like being a man too?? ---this is the tell that will cause most ts women to respond about pink fog(hate that word but it works )

[KellyJameson]

You may want to look at the life you have lived and see if you have struggled with life living in the body you are in.

I'm personally a proponent of the belief that the seeds for gender dysphoria are planted in-utero even when it sometimes takes many years for the awareness to come into understanding.

From childhood on, we are all formed differently but we all share the same seeds of this destiny.

For me I focused on the word "different" that has followed me around my whole life.

When I finally learned that "different" equals "transsexual" everything clicked into place.

I say transsexual because thats where I am at now in my life but I do not want to confuse you with the words so you may be more comfortable with transgender.

I use the word transgender to identify those with the seeds planted in them at birth and transsexual as that place when you have and are making physical changes to your body.

Your relationship with your body will leave evidence about who you are but it does not have to be about hate, it could be indifference and neglect which is another form of rejection.

This word "different" describes the shadow that has been attached to my life.

Not that the shadow is necessarily bad but it touches everything, particularly your relationships with others.

The psychology of being transgender is interesting because it gives people gifts that you may find in others but are consistently found among the transgendered which for me is further evidence that being transgender is a physical reality and not one simply manufactured in our heads.

Google "benefits of being transgender" and see how many of these same capacities and gifts they talk about that you also may have.

I personally have found that the psychology as "emotional flavor" is very specific to transgenders.

I see myself as belonging to an entirely different tribe of people and even when the process of physical change is complete I will still share this ethnic heritage with all transgenders.

Many of the problems come from forcing yourself to "fit in" so you live contrary to your natural life.

Search for the feeling of being "different" and how this has made you try to "fit in" and how you have not been able to "fit in "

This is what opened up my own understanding so I became "unstuck" and started to move forward.

Being stuck is natural and healthy because it shows you are seeking understanding so you are not just "reacting" to the confusion which can be dangerous.

The process is two steps forward, one step back than three steps back than one giant leap forward, ect... You will be all over the map but you will have the occasional epiphany as your mind begins to understand.

Than one day it will be like someone turned on a switch and you will see the whole thing laid out in front of you.

Do not force the process, stay curious, let go of fear and continue learning.

It is scary because you feel like you have lost your bearings and no longer know who you are but what you are discovering is that you never knew who you were because you refused to face this person and live the life you were meant to. (this is my story and experience but may not be yours)

Thinking about it does not automatically mean you will get SRS.

Your mind will find its own natural balance and you will know because that specific form of being in conflict with life and yourself stops. You will feel a new form of calmness that goes very deep.

[Badtranny]

You either are or you aren't, but that's not really the issue here because if you are, then you always were and the issue becomes what do you do about it?

So? My own personal barometer was coming out. Are you prepared to come out? Once I realized what I was, I had a brief purging episode and then it was full steam ahead. I can't speak to the back and forth, or the cross dressing, or much of anything outside of my own experience. All I can say is I just knew that it was the right thing to do. It was the only thing left that I hadn't tried and I knew for sure that I wasn't happy the way I was.

This isn't a decision in the sense that you weigh one thing against another. It's not rational and it's certainly not logical. It's a calling I guess, a drive to your own true North.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

love your last line ...its a calling...true north...good stuff...

i recall a strange conversation with mymom.... i had finally told her about me, but i told her i loved to crossdress...she accepted and we had lots of conversations...

i will never forget what we said once..
she said that my dressing was nobodies business and to keep it in the family....i blurted out "but i feel like i've been put on this earth to dress"....

i said "to dress"...i was just in denial and so compartmentalized...but the calling was in my mind, my true north was right in front of me...but at the time i still couldn't put 2+2 together for myself...
once i put 2+2 together, like melissa there was never even one teeny little doubt except for when and how..

[Starling]

I never got to talk to my mom about my truth, but I'm out as TS to a dozen or so people, including some family members, and it was a great relief. Right now it's a bit academic, because I'm in a state of suspended transition--but ain't nobody going to be shocked when I start again.

:) Lallie

[melissaK]

Sonna sweetie. Lots of good advice up thread. True north, just knowing, a-ha it makes sense now moments, its just question of how.

I always knew, always thought I was a girl, and when I learned what a transexual was at 13 I knew I was one. But unfortunately I also bought into social conditioning so I thought it was a perverted creepy thing. So I was in denial fighting the inner calling with everything I had for most all my life. My social conditioning lost - I'm following my own compass now.

If you aren't sure if you are TS, or if you are instead maybe TGed and might fit some middle ground better, AND you are a reader, try getting a copy of Kate Bornsteins "My Gender Workbook". It will take you through understanding gender roles and maybe help you sort out what you feel from what you've been taught. It's helped me. But it comes in a pink cover, so if you aren't out, be careful about who gets your mail.

If you aren't a big reader, try counseling with someone who HAS gender issue experience. I mean when your Porsche needs tires you don't take it to the Freightliner dealer. Same deal.

And you will find MTF TS in ALL walks of life. Once you let go of some stereotyping about guy-girl things (Kate's book is a big help) you might find you can be more girl without transitioning, and you might realize a transitioned MTF, now looking like the woman she has always been, is still doing what you might think of as guy things. (I like fast cars and drag racing, and have found a couple trans woman drivers at the track.)(And there's nothing "guy-ish" about Ashley Force!) :)

[Gerrijerry]

Simply put see a counselor talk about how you fell. Each person is different. Only talking to a professional will help.
People here want to help but none are really qualified to help you.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

maybe we should just have a forum and all our responses can be "go see a professional"...which frankly is a base case and should be done for everybody..

[Ashley D.]

I'll give you my 2€ can you be happy living as a male and cross dressing?
If so do it.
If not work on transitioning. Just do what you have to to be happy.

[LeaP]

There is a broad recognition in the psych community that deals with gender that the Internet has completely transformed transsexual care. A big part of that is forums like this. There are actually people here qualified to help and in several respects. You don't get meaningful help in random responses and threads with 100 conflicting responses, of course. But you do get it from relationships established here. You get it in the consistent repetition of accounts of the hard-won experience from others who have gone before, even outside of those relationships. You get it in references, including to qualified therapists! You get it by broadening your perspective. You get it by learning language and frameworks to help give form to your developing understanding. You get it by using the forum as an extension of therapy. You get it in support – sometimes a shoulder to cry on, sometimes understanding (sometimes the only place to be understood) for successes. You get it in the act of writing itself.

Like any site, and especially one that deals with the topics that we deal with here, there is an undesirable element and a lot of noise. We have our share of posers and fools. But oh my God! Is there ever qualified help here for those who know how to find it and employ it.

[Marleena]

Like any site, and especially one that deals with the topics that we deal with here, there is an undesirable element and a lot of noise. We have our share of posers and fools. But oh my God! Is there ever qualified help here for those who know how to find it and employ it.

I find the postop women the most help as they have experienced all the issues of being trans at one time and the struggles it brings. Besides the advice is free for the members. It can save members from spending money on a therapist if they don't really need one.

[kimdl93]

I haven't taken the time to go back and read your earlier posts, so I have to ask, how far out have you come thus far, how much, if any of your time do you spend en femme, do you go out and live even a part of your life as a woman? It might make it easier for you to deal with your own uncertainty if you gave it a try. Perhaps you'll gain some clarity from the experience.

[sonna]

ok i have gone through and read all the responses and a lot of good questions came up
with a lot of great advice that i havent thought of or dont have the answer for

....so as of now im going to sit on this egg and ponder it, to see what hatches.

for thos that are curois i am a full timer cd outside of work and i am looking for something
different so i can be full time all the time.

i will get back to you to let you know what i figur out if your interested.

[Rianna Humble]

Sonna, I hope that it has been clear to you that all of the responses were aimed at trying to be helpful.

With regard to the questions, you might find that your best answer at the moment is "I don't know right now" - that's OK because it is a valid answer.

It is too easy for this forum to give the appearance of having only one answer to all of life's dilemmas which being to transition. That is a wrong impression.

If your answers to the questions we have all raised leads you to believe that that answer is right for you, then we will be happy to offer our moral support, but it does not have to be the right answer. You speak in the original post of sometimes not wanting to be a woman. Whilst many of us here may not understand that feeling, that does not make it any the less valid for you.

What I believe we all want to see is for you to find the right path for you at this point in your life whether that be transition or not.

[melissaK]

Sweetie, someone in this group is ALWAYS interested. At least I'd be. :)

[Kathryn Martin]

....so as of now im going to sit on this egg and ponder it, to see what hatches.

Sonna, your approach is the right one. You have to take everything said here with a large grain of salt. Consider what people say as an approach not a wisdom. And maybe you can describe why it is that you are looking for something else. That, in my view, is the central question.

And the people here are here because they are interested no matter what their complexion.

[docrobbysherry]

Great post, Rianna! There AREN'T any stupid questions!

However, the answers may be another matter!

[Nigella]

for thos that are curois i am a full timer cd outside of work and i am looking for something
different so i can be full time all the time.



and even that is a form of transition. This is the path that I took, originally believing that I was a CDer, just prefering to dress 24/7.

[vikki2020]

maybe we should just have a forum and all our responses can be "go see a professional"...which frankly is a base case and should be done for everybody..

yeah. I'm at that fork in the road, and not sure where to go. I've realized I've come a long way by myself, but, I'm going to need some help to keep going.At least a travel guide!

[GirlieAmanda]

The "don't want to part" is the part I am concerned about. You must figure that out. That is the key. What makes you not want to? If it is doing guy things, you can still do those things if you transition. You can incorporate all of your likes. You can still be you. There are no rules to being a girl. Just Be You.

[Nicole Brown]

Most all of the responses that you have received provide good honest valid advice and your thought of taking some time to evaluate and process what we have said is even better. I was where you currently are not to long ago. I was spending more and more time as Nicole and found that I was happier, calmer and just felt more like who I am supposed to be when presenting as a woman. I followed some very good advice from a dear friend of mine and located a good experienced therapist who is versed on gender issues. My therapist has helped me to understand and to accept that I truly am a woman who just happens to have been born in a male body.

Having the support and concurrence of a gender therapist is a precursor to being able to get hormone therapy and for GRS. Since this will be needed in the future, if you are TS and want to transition, you might want to consider beginning your therapy now to ensure that you are on the right path. My personal journey will be taking me down the transition path and I can honestly say the I speak from experience.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to and I will be happy to assist you in any way I can. Good luck on your journey.

[FurPus63]

"At the risk of sounding harsh, I think that I ought to point out that MtF transsexuals don't "want to be a woman", we are women who can no longer take the pretence of maleness." Rianna

This is so true. For us who are true transsexuals it's about being a woman. The woman I am and have always been. I can't help but wonder if you Sonna are just going through something as a CD? For me I felt that confusion for a short time when I began to cross dress but it didn't take long for me to conclude what I always knew was true. I knew the minute I put on female clothes for the first time that I was going to end up being "all-in." We all have our own story. But for those of us who are truly trans, I think there wasn't much confusion about who we are on the inside and what we wanted.

It's just getting there that is difficult!


maybe we should just have a forum and all our responses can be "go see a professional"...which frankly is a base case and should be done for everybody..

How true. Telling people "go see a counselor" isn't the reason for these forums and posts. We should all be doing that already, especially those of us who are not post-op. We need to be here for each other. That's what this is all about.


and even that is a form of transition. This is the path that I took, originally believing that I was a CDer, just prefering to dress 24/7.
We all take our own paths. At one point I think we were all cross dressers or we wouldn't be here. Yes I know those of us that are trans were born that way, I'm just saying we all had to "discover" our true selves and for most if not all of us CDng was how we got started making that discovery and/or validating what we thought was going on inside. But how does one live 24/7 presenting themselves as a woman and stay CD?

For me that seems contradictory. A CD by definition is someone who likes being a man/male but dresses as a female. If you've gotten to the point where you're 24/7 that means it's now a permanent part of your life. That just seems real hard to wrap my head around.

Sonna,
I read a lot of these posts. I am a professional counselor have worked for years as a therapist. Yet I'm no more of an expert than anyone else here. In my opinion your biggest problem is the fact that you state you are living 24/7 except at work. Does that mean other than at work you are always presenting female? Do you sleep in female garments? Is there a time when you are presenting male and not working? Just curious. Because to me, that could be what's causing the confusion. I remember it was right around this time last year when I began to live my life as a woman except at work. The constant swinging back and forth, having to "play" the part of a man all day while a woman at night drove me crazy!

I remember being at work and feeling strange. I hated being a man so bad! OMG! It was so aweful. I felt like I was pretending to be someone I wasn't and couldn't wait to go home. I neglected my work thinking about it all the time, but .....at the same time. It really confirmed who I was and what I wanted. I found myself "practicing" walking like a woman when no one was around and/or practicing feminine gestures, etc..... I felt so uncomfortable as a man and wanted so badly to get home and change into my true self...that it confirmed for me exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I was so relieved when I "came out" at work and was given permission to present my true self.

Things went into lightning fast gear after that. I started HRT almost immediately and have been living my life full-time since last May. The overwhelming feeling of pure joy I experienced and still do every day made life so much better! To make a long story short. My transition has been wonderful and the best thing I ever did. I recently have had even more confirmation of my decision to do it...I have been hired on a new job after having lost my original one. I can't believe it...it's so cool. So now I'm going to be working somewhere else as a woman and got the first place I interviewed for as a woman! Incredible! I feel so blessed.

But what about you? From your picture you look pretty passable already. That's great!A good start and a good thing. Looks like you have a natural feminine look to you. So how do you feel when you are working presenting yourself as a man? Is that when the doubts set in? I can imagine that's what's happening but don't know. Maybe you're thinking about the things you enjoy about being a man and can you still enjoy them as a woman? The answer for me was "yes." I still like sports, and still like some things that are stereotypically perceived as masculine or male; but from a whole new perspective.

Anyway; that's what I think.

Paulette

[sonna]

answeres for Furpus63..... Paulette
:you state you are living 24/7 except at work. Does that mean other than at work you are always presenting female? Do you sleep in female garments?
(yes)
: Is there a time when you are presenting male and not working?
(all most never only when my family is over is when i dont dress)(side note ive been making alot of friends and they only know me as elly i dont want any one to think im a shut in)
:Maybe you're thinking about the things you enjoy about being a man and can you still enjoy them as a woman?
(its funny every thing i did in guy mode was my goal to do in girl mode)
:So how do you feel when you are working presenting yourself as a man?
(i dont like it but its what i have to live with right now)
:So how do you feel when you are working presenting yourself as a man? Is that when the doubts set in?
(no there, there all the time)