I need some help and advice

[StephanieB]

After years of surpressing feelings and not realising what those feelings meant last week was a revelationary moment. I realised that CD'ing is me, its what I want and its who I am.....and I am suprisingly comfortable with it. I am also happy in "bloke" mode as well and I know I am not gay. I just don't find men attractive at all.

My dawning moment came on Wednesday, on Thursday I told my wife. We have a pretty open and honest relationship and she has always been fairly open minded.

Unfortunately it didnt go well. She feels that she doesnt know who I am, that I have deceived her, she finds CD'ing a real turnoff, she is angry / hurt / upset (and any other negative adjective you want to add). We haven't had an argument about it because she knows that I've not done anything wrong - she actually told me that it would have been easier for her to deal with if I'd had an affair.

I have told her I want to dress, infact I have to dress and I would like to share that with her. However if she cant handle it (which at the moment she REALLY cant) I will be discrete and she wont see a thing. She feels at the moment that she is trapped by two "sh*t" choices, leaving me or staying with me CD'ing. She feels that she cant have a sexual relationship at the moment because she will have images that she doesnt want. I have told her that I will answer any questions she has as honestly as possible but I wont bring the subject up. She needs time, whether time heals only time will tell.

I am lucky, my best friend is very supportive and she has offered to shop with me and help with make up etc. I'd love it if my wife would be the same, but she wont - certainly at the moment. She has a close friend too (also a close friend of mine) who is very supportive and not phased by me being a CD'er (infact has offered to help me become Stephanie too)

Are there any support groups, counselling / therapy sessions that any of you can recomment. I love my wife and she (I know) loves me too - and I really want to get through this, however I need to be true to myself and who I am.

Thanks in advance

Steph x

[Beverley Sims]

I thought I saw this thread somewhere else.
I suggest you drop the subject with your wife temporarily and confide in your friend....
Not shopping but she might be a route to your wife to alter her opinion a little.
I would be careful shopping with your friends as this would seem to be a betrayal to your wife.
By all meand seek the advice and help if possible of your two friends.
Others will reply later and may have support groups you can go to.
I suggest Aylesbury, Milton Keynes, Luton or anywhere close to the M40, M1, or M25 may be in reach.
You may live close to one of these places.

[StephanieB]

Thanks Beverly. I did post in the introductions section. At the moment I am looking for a way I can support my wife without flaunting it in her face. I live pretty close to Aylesbury although I am unaware of any support groups there, you're right though as there may be something in MK.

I am holding off with the shopping at the moment, because I don't want to hurt her, however the support I've had from the two friends in question has been truly heartwarming. I agree with you as well in the fact that I am not going to bring the subject / my needs up with her but let her raise the subject if she wishes. Like I said in my OP, hopefully she will come around - I'm not a bad person, I'm a good husband and father and I do my best to be there for her - I am still me, with a slight twist.

[Wildaboutheels]

Your story certainly aligns with a common prevailing theory here that women... don't seem to have a "problem" with "it". Unless they are married or partnered with the CDer in question.

A few questions...Your story gives the impression that you told your friend before you told your wife? Does your wife know that? Did your friend convince you to come clean with your wife perhaps? And who told your wife's friend?

There are many Forum MYTHS that circulate here. One of them is that "Love conquers all". There are possibly hundreds of members here that will tell you that NO, it doesn't. Just because we love someone and they love us doesn't mean we must accept certain things about them or vice versa. Don't assume or think your wife MUST come around.

I think your best bet would be to try to lay low for awhile and direct her to this site and leave it at that. Then the ball will be in her court. She DOES have to get her own account to post should she desire to. After 10 posts she is granted access to the private Forums that might benefit HER more.

[StephanieB]

I spoke to my wife first, I felt she needed to know. After her reaction I then spoke to my friend. My wife said she needed to speak to someone on the "outside" and asked if I minded, I of course said it was not a problem. The friend that she chose to speak to is very open minded and non judgemental, and equally as important she is very loyal and good to confide in. I am hoping "Love Conquers All", however I am beginning to suspect that it may not.....hence the looking to see if there is support for her as well as me. I've recommended that she joins here and has a look, but at the moment it is far too raw. The friend that she confided in has suggested going to "Relate". Does anyone else have any experience of this....good or bad?

We've been together since our mid-teens you see, and she described it as her world has fallen apart :'(.

[lucy two]

Hi Stephanie, there are plenty of support groups around if you go onto ( rosesforum ) and ( transliving ) and asked the same question. You will find that there are plenty of support groups in your area, there's one in Oxford somewhere just not sure where as I live on the east side. All I can say that let your wife come to terms with it and I wish you the best.I might add that I also find this forum extremely good for information as well, although it seems mainly based in the USA. The other two are in the UK.

[StephanieB]

Thanks Lucy, I'll check those two out. Oxford is not too far away either...

Steph x

[Karen_K]

Hi Stephanie,

Your wife's reaction is not unlike my wife's. When she found out about Karen, she was initially hurt and angry, and felt that she would either have to leave me or require me to stop dressing, and she knew that the latter would not be a tenable solution. She was definite in the category of being open-minded about it in general, but when it was her husband doing it, it felt different. However, with some time and talking and couples counseling, she changed her outlook on it. A lot had to do with her finding out more about what cross dressing is, and what it is not. Our local support group was definitely helpful (I wish I could direct you to one, but I don't know the UK), but we had a lot of help from a regular marriage counselor first. Now, I dress at home when she's not home (by my choice mainly) and go out occasionally to support group events, socials, or LGBT events. She sees me as Karen in those cases.

So my advice is give it time and be sure to communicate everything that she needs/wants, and possibly try to find a good counselor. And don't try to do too much if and when you find acceptance.

Good Luck to both of you!

[StephanieB]

Thanks Karen. How did the counselling work? What did you do? We have Relate here in the UK for marriage guidance or did you use a specialist counsellor?

[Karen_K]

Hi Stephanie,

I initially went to someone who specialized in sexual/gender issues on my own, then she became a counselor for the both of us. The support group was good too, which we found out about after we started with the counselor. There, my wife was able to meet other spouses who she could talk to. If you can find group that offers that too it would probably be helpful. But the main advice is to go slow and be sure to communicate everything.

Best,
Karen

[Polly R]

Hi Stephanie

I'm sorry things aren't working out too well for you. I had similar nearly 40yrs ago. We did go for counselling but it wasn't that good in those days, little was known about CDing except that we were all gay - NOT!! There's much more understanding of our 'condition' these days so you could try Relate - though you'd probably have to wait quite a long time for an appointment.

There's so much help and lovely folk on this forum - can you respectfully suggest that your wife joins too then after her 10 posts, she could have privacy discussing with other GGs?

That's all not much help for you immediately but I know what it was like when I found this Forum and found I wasn't alone / unique...

Good luck

xx Polly

[Fiona K]

Stephanie, you sound like me and I used to live not far from you when still closeted. I tried to send a PM to you as there a LOT of support groups and good people in the Home Counties generally. PM me and I'll be happy to send you links

[StephanieB]

Thanks Karen and Polly. Yes, it seems this is a really excellent Forum. I looked at another before and to be honest it was not really my kind of place. At the moment I am planning on leaving the ball very much in her court. I am going to go slowly, and talk if she wants to. It definately seems that is the way to go. I wish in a way I had spent more time on here and done a little more research before opening my big mouth. I am going to see if I can find some relationship and gender related councelling then that would be perfect. Thanks to everyone who has posted so far.....its reassuring to know you're out there and wanting to help.

Steph x

[Lorileah]

(N.B. Stephanie cannot PM until she has 10 posts.) :)

The rest of the story is a common one. 17 years is a long time to think you know someone and then find out you don't know everything about someone. Give her time to go through all the phases of loss, because that is what she feels right now, loss. My personal opinion is don't even go dressed somewhere else for now. You don't have to give it up but if you do you will be adding to her feeling that you are betraying her. If you must dress in secret, then do it in secret at home (or a safe place) not out. We cannot change what is done but your s is a classic example of hiding in yourself for a long time. Good luck

[StephanieB]

Hi Fiona, I cant PM at the moment....not enough posts!!

[StephanieB]

We've just had another chat (she's just gone to the pub with some friends) and I've said to her that I will follow her lead. She wants to know my true feelings, apparently I can't shock her any more. She wants it as open and honest and then we can pick up the pieces from there. I want to try and be as sensitive as I possibly can, but I want her to know how I honestly feel. I want her to embrace me as Stephanie, for all that I am, however I KNOW she cannot do that certainly now and probably ever. I would settle for her accepting that Stephanie is part of me, not even seeing me dressed would be fine.

[Fiona K]

Hi Fiona, I cant PM at the moment....not enough posts!!

Sorry, didn't realise :)

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Stephanie, Does your wife know about your best friend or will that be the next hoe to drop.

[StephanieB]

Hi Stephanie, Does your wife know about your best friend or will that be the next hoe to drop.

Yes she does and no there is no bombshell to drop there. Just for clarity, she is a friend and nothing has ever happen between us beyond friendship. She read your post BTW and it did unsettle her to say the least.