where to belong?

[Carlene]

I have spent more time reading in the Transsexual forum lately than in the MTF. I'm not sure why, except to say that I don't feel like my dressing is grounded in fetish, I don't have any need to know what colour of panties everyone is wearing, and being out among other crossdressers in a party atmosphere is not something I want to do.

I'm not sure where I fit. I just know that my behaviour is not a choice, but rather a need. Transitioning is not an option for so many reasons, but still, I want to embrace this feminine part of me and let it grow. It is sometimes difficult to do this alone, though.

Long story short..........thank you all for being here. Your life stories and experiences are very comforting.

Carlene...:daydreaming:

[Inna]

Belong to where YOU feel comfortable!!!

As I observe, the further one travels into TRUTH, easing off of the denial, the clearer the conceptual understanding of oneself becomes. This however, will not reduce anxiety over dysphoria, but will make for more direct decision making while on the path.

Transition may encompass surgical procedures, but it does not have to. Transition seems to be a metamorphosis, an act of seeking congruity between body and mind. HRT does wonders, spiritual journey uncovers beauty within.

If you seek the truth and knowledge to explain your own self, then I believe this here sections are yours to explore, for here is the place of no pretend, and truth does hurt sometimes in the most beautiful serene way, uncovering layers of repressed self.

Welcome to the family!

[Jorja]

Hello Carlene, and welcome. This crazy thing we call being "trans" can certainly cause a lot of problems. For now, pick a spot someplace on the scale to start. This will not mean that is where you end up. It just gives a place to rest while you are figuring it out. I would suggest finding a support group and talking with other TS/TG individuals to gain some real life examples of what being TS/TG is. Look for an experienced gender therapist to help you figure it out. The more you explore the more the answers will make themselves known.

[melissakozak]

Carlene,

Welcome to the forum. Yes. This is a place to help you explore yourself, and I think you will find people from all walks of life along the spectrum of what I call transgender behavior and living. Embracing yourself will make you happier, and who knows where you will land.....all of this is very personal and individual. I chose to live a bigendered life, and no, it is not easy, and I don't think anyone on this forum has an easy go of it, but at least all of us are on a path of exploration and self acceptance and dare I say this, a touch of pride in who we are.....:)

[Angela Campbell]

I know how you feel. I am not sure where I belong for the same reasons. For me it is not a fetish, the clothes are just that, no excitement for me....well a little right after I buy something....lol...but I do not think I am a fit for TS either as I am not going to transition (for various reasons) but always knew I wanted to. I have very mild GD and have been able to live with it over 50 years, So I am not a crossdresser as many on here, but I am not going to go all the way either. In my mind I am a woman, but was born with some male attributes and some female ones.I guess that leaves me as a TG? Whatever.

[KellyJameson]

Not knowing where you belong probably means you belong here.

I would recommend you do not automatically avoid the CD section unless it just holds no interest for you because there are some great people you may meet in that section.

Enjoying fashion does not automatically disqualify you from being transgender and place you firmly in the CD'er world.

Do not let the clothes define you!

When you no longer are able to identify with the clothes because the clothes are not you and you experience the clothes as freeing you from one prison while locking you in a different prison than you know you are not a CD'er but are experiencing "repressed identity" or "unformed identity"

Much if not most of Cding is about men fantasizing about being woman which I do not personally find offensive and actually see men that do this as being kinda cute and funny so I must admit I have a warm place in my heart for men that CD but I went through a period of hating, resenting and being disgusted by them, which was about me and not them.

At first the crossdressing seems to offer an answer to a question but it is not a question you are able to articulate and you are using the clothes to create something and to free yourself from something else but it is a tease that dangles the answer just out of sight of understanding driving you madd with frustration.

I had a love hate relationship with CD'ers because I found them cute but also being disrespectful and I thought it was being disrespectful against women but what really was happening is their existence threatened me directly and I experienced them as a direct attack against me as "me" that I projected onto my concept of femininity which was really my "identity" so crossdressers attacked my "identity" not by what they were doing but because they existed as men in dresses.

This than made me a man in a dress which scared me out of my mind and made me feel corrupted and even more abnormal than I already felt like when I desperately wanted to feel normal because I had never known the experience.

Crossdressing almost killed me but it was also very necessary.

When I first met crossdressers I felt momentarily normal which attracted me to them because here finally was my answer but the more I associated with them the more I felt once again "abnormal" and it was difficult to let go of the life preserver of CDing and back into that world of being abnormal.

Watch for this so you do not become trapped trying to stay a "normal crossdresser"

One way to learn about who you are, will be observing your emotional reaction to crossdressers and crossdressing and I recommend you keep a journal of your thoughts and emotions on the subject.

As you evolve so will your relationship to them. They are a sounding board for discovering who you really are and that is why in the beginning I think it may be wise to associate with them.

Pay attention to negative thoughts and emotions you have toward crossdressing and explore where they come from.

That was a weird time for me as I tried to wrap my head around these contrary feelings but I'm back to seeing them as funny and cute even though sometimes I feel sad when I see how it causes problems for them in their lives.

Also be careful not to let your sexuality define your gender. Set this aside regardless of what it is but at some point in my opinion you will want to explore your sexuality deeply with a therapist if you decide to transition because there are many land mines related to sex and gender and how sexuality can influence gender identity.

I think there is more sexual fluidity among those who are transgender so even if you have experienced the clothing, so yourself as erotic it will be subtly different and softer than the hard knive edge of masculine heterosexuality with that intense animal lust for the female image as erotica.

One of the most important ways we learn about who we are is by learning who we are not so spending time in the CD section will allow you to experience them contrasted against yourself.

There is a distinctly different energy between those who identify as men who CD and those whose identity is "fuzzy" where they see themselves as a mixture of both genders and I think of them as transgenders.

I was never able to be "fuzzy" in my experience of self and my own gender identity has always been set in stone, I just did not want to accept it and kept trying to sculpt this stone into what everyone else wanted it to be.

I envy people who can live with a "fuzzy" gender identity and if you can, consider yourself one of the lucky ones and embrace it with all your heart.

So you will find yourself somewhere between being "male gender" , "fuzzy gender" and "female gender" and that will decide many of your choices.

No matter where you are at it is all good.

[Carlene]

:daydreaming:Kelly,

Thank you so much for that post.

Fuzzy is whom I believe myself to be. It isn't so much about the clothes, but rather, more about embracing a part of me that I have denied for too long. The results of this new self-acceptance will unfold over time, I suppose. I must say though, that as I welcome femininity into my world there seems to be emerging a much nicer, more understanding and tolerant whole person.

Once again, thank you so much sharing your thoughts and advice.

Thank you to all who responded.

Carlene...:daydreaming:

[Donnadcd]

I definitely know where I want to be - its the getting there part that has me stalled. Too much havoc would result (or maybe I'm just imagining it) if I was to transition. I see so many others transitioning - granted not all of them are able to do it without turning their home lives (and marriages) upside down. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be one of them.

So for me its not a matter where I know I belong - its a matter of when.

[Sara Jessica]

Carlene, what you are describing is the middle-of-the-road existence that many of us have chosen to embrace. Perhaps you are in fact TS but have made it clear that transition is not an option for you. And whether that is a sustainable decision is a discussion for another day. I'm in a very similar boat as I am defined by a decidedly male life that I have built over the years as much as I am defined by the femininity that has been in my heart since my earliest memories.

My solution has been to embrace the fulfillment I am able to find on the guy side while cultivating a distinct female existence which also brings me much joy & happiness, a fulfillment that is just as powerful yet much different for obvious reasons.

A quote was passed along to me second-hand, originally attributed to Betty of "My Husband Betty" IIRC. And I'm probably butchering it in this paraphrase but it went something along the lines of transition is doing as little as possible in order to be happy. This is something I fall back on often because that is my life. I have done much that some might say places me on a road towards transition, or at least it involves some of the advance prep that is often suggested, yet I have stopped short and have no intention to go any further at this time given that I am in fact able to find fulfillment on both sides of the gender fence.

You mention panty threads and "being out among other crossdressers in a party atmosphere" in the same breath. These are not one in the same when examining where you are on a TG spectrum. Yes, avoiding the panty threads is something many of us choose to do but to avoid making friends in the community is an entirely different matter. Friendships have actually allowed me to develop this social presence that is at the root of the fulfillment I have found on the female side. You don't have to "party", just get out there and make friends. I'm not even big on the party/club scene but there is a fledgeling group that has formed in my neck of the woods that occasionally hits a club. I don't go because I like clubs, I go because I adore this group of people and the diversity they represent across the gender spectrum. And it also happens that many of my best friends from over the years have been very similar in mindset & experience to myself, that being married, children, career, etc. in the face of a daily struggle with gender issues to varying degrees.

So my advice is really simple, it is not all about one or the other, TS or CD. There is much to learn in both sections.

2/19/13 edit: The Editrix of my friend's blog peeked in to offer a bit of clarification on the paraphrased item above. It is more like "...it's smart for us to do the absolute minimum that makes our gender issues bearable. (In other words, transition only if there is no livable alternative.) " Same difference, these words represent a concept that I find to be very important in my life.

Thank you Erica, my check is in the mail ;)!!!

[Barbara Ella]

Carlene, I began not long ago as what I thought would be a strict CD life, not fetish at my age, but it just felt right. Well, that became fuzzy really quick as my female presence overwhelmed me, and now it is in control and I know who I am. I will not undergo surgery due to age and family, and likely not transition to 24/7 given unforseen changes, and it hurts at times to realize this. I am forcing myself back into a somewhat fuzzy existence for my wife. Given our age, and her lack of libido, HRT does not pose a threat to her, so I have hope for the future. You have gotten some great advice about the fact that there is still relevance to the CD section. Now it is not my end all place to post because my mindset and questions are very different from the mainstream, but there are similarities that if studied can help you examine yourself and make better decisions about where you are.

And don't really worry about where you are going. Do your utmost to make today enjoyable and to make sure you fit well with your here and now. Tomorrow will get here someday, and then you will be there, hopefully prepared, but at least more aware.

Barbara