Coming out. One chance.

[Kimberlyfaye]

Say you hadn't come out as a CD, TG, TV (whatever banner you fall under), and you had the chance, like right now, would you? I ask as I am considering coming out. Telling my parents and extended family. My mother already partly knows but not fully. And other family say they have seen pictures. My only worry is that once the cat is out of the bag there's no more closet for me. Also to add to the mix a family member died a short while ago so I don't know if it's right of me to throw this out there at this point in time. Emotions have already been stressed recently. Can I ask your opinions of this?

[Amy Lynn3]

Kim, it would help me give you an answer to your question if I knew just how long ago the family member died.

[Kimberlyfaye]

Basically it was about 2 weeks ago. But I know it's not really the right time. It's more about if I should do it. And if I do I'll wait until emotions have settled. Like a couple of months.

[sandra-leigh]

Unfortunately, "There is never 'a good time' to come out." "The new job's a hassle and the kids have the flu, but it's sure nice talking to you..."

[Jodi Anne]

If you take the chance to come out,you are right, you can not unring the bell once it is rung. I can only tell you that my coming out to my family over the last two months has gone well. I have a few friends who know but the rest will find out when my changes can not be hidden any longer.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kimberly , Just remember one thing , You can't unring a bell once you've rung it.

[marny]

another way to put is ' once the genie is out of the bottle!' I seem to have managed with close family knowing but i don't want to go public. i have business partners that would not be good about it.

[May(be)]

I don't regret one bit coming out to the people I've come out to, but I've been judicious with the people who know and I'm not out to everyone in my family. You sound like it has to be all or nothing, which is probably necessary if you're planning to transition full-time.
Even if that's the case, though, it doesn't have to be everything all at once.
I recommend coming out slowly and in fazes so you can build at each level with a stronger and stronger support system. My advice is don't feel pressure to come out. If it's not right yet, it's not right. I don't think most people come out all at once to everyone in the world. Come to think of it, I've never heard of a real "coming out party" nor heard of anyone taking an ad in the paper to announce it to the world. That's just Hollywood telling stories.

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

I've been out for about 4 1/2 years now, and you're right, there's no going back. I also sort of came out in phases like May suggested above, although that wasn't so much intentional as it was I vastly overestimated how much the news would spread. I had this imagined idea where I'd tell people and soon the world would know but that wasn't the case. In fact just this week I ran into a comic who I've known for years but only occasionally interact with (due to the natural of traveling to perform, comedians have a very strange social web), and I walked up in a skirt and he was like, "Trying out a new look?"

The big question you have to ask yourself is what do you hope to gain by coming out, what it accomplishes for you. Is it just that you want them to know, for example, or is it because you're going to want to start being more open with it and do it more regularly? Those are just examples, there's lots of other reasons to want to come out.

My own experience was that I'm a comedian and my act was turning a lot more personal, and it was starting to bug me a lot that here I was opening up about a lot of stuff onstage but I was holding back on this big thing. I knew I wanted to start talking about it in my act, but I also knew it seemed wrong to me that I would start telling strangers from the stage and not my parents. So I told them first.

I've become more out to a lot of my family in the last six months, cousins and brothers and grandmothers, in the wake of losing my brother to a car accident last summer. I didn't "come out" following that but many of them added me on facebook or started checking out my videos on youtube and began to find out about it for themselves. I had made the decision when they started adding me that I wasn't going to change my content at all or make a big deal out of anything to any of them, but if they asked me about it I'd talk with them about it. So far it has ben okay. I even wore a skirt and tights to my aunt's house christmas eve.

[2B Natasha]

I'm with jiveturkeyonrye or Ryan, if you will. When he says. " what do you hope to gain? ". I am out to allot of people. But they are all people whom I may and in most cases do interact with in my female persona. I have no interest in interacting with my family in that way. So I don't tell them. Truly if it did it could make my life so much easier. My mother should have been a seamstress. She is amazing with what she can do with her sewing machine. She could then alter my clothes for me. If they where to ask I would tell them the truth. But it's there little world. I say that because. I have no issues with walking around with flip flops showing off my latest pedi. Or the AWSOME new nail color on my fingers. I do not remove or try to hide my earrings. So I am not trying to hide.

So. Why do it? If you are thinking your TS or need to wear a skirt to family functions. Then you should. But if there is no benifit to it other then hey know. But are not going to see. Then why?
Cheers

[Amanda M]

I'd suggest that you let the family settle for a while. However, consider this- "partly knowing" is about the same as being slightly pregnant! And if your family have seen your photos, you are out anyway.

Best,
Amanda.

[Chickhe]

It really depends on 'out as what?...for what purpose?'. Most of my friends have seen me dressed, but I wouldn't call it being out...just because there is no lifestyle change. Its something I do that people know or don't know about, but it doesn't really define who I am, so I would never know what to tell them that would really be significant. So, there are somethings better left unsaid if you want most of the people you know to continue to exist as they did in the past (They may look at you differently, is that what you want?).

[Amy A]

I've been toying with the notion of telling my parents recently as well, but we also had a death in the family about three weeks ago so it's gone on the backburner for now. A lot of the replies here have asked 'for what gain?' and I think thats an important point. For me, I'm tired of hiding and would like the support and acceptance of those I love. Anything else that was this important to you, you would just tell people wouldn't you? But like many have pointed out, there's no going back once the deed is done. Only you can guess how people might react; none of us know your parents/friends attitudes to trans people. Also, it depends how strong you are mentally; I'm at the point rght now whereby a rejection would affect me deeply, so if you feel that you wouldn't have the strength to cope were someone to react badly then perhaps it's best to wait until you feel more prepared to ride such things out.

Whilst living your entire life in the closet is an option, I understand the feeling that it's not a very attractive proposition. It would be a wonderful world if I could change my appearance from one day to the next and no one think anything of it. Whatever you decide, make sure it's the right thing for you personally, and best of luck to you! :)

[Joanne f]

The chance to come out is always there it just depends on how much you need it and to what degree you do it , if you are concerned about adding more stress to the family because of other events then do it gradually which will not be a sudden shock for them and you will also be able to judge their reactions and take steps accordingly to keep things at a level which will reduce the stress in them and you .

[sandra-leigh]

Depends on how much you need it... Yes, I agree. In my life, I got to the point where hiding it was costing me more than saying something.

Part of the cost was that I was withdrawing from talking to my immediate family nearly as much, as the most important things in my life were going on inside me and I had to avoid them. I couldn't even say "Oh I'm fine" because I wasn't, but if I said otherwise then my family would want to know what was up (and I mean that in a good way, them being concerned and wanting to help.)

I still don't really talk to my mother much about the situation, but I don't have to be afraid of closeness either.

[Beverley Sims]

What does your mother PARTLY know?
What pictures have the other family seen?
With a death in the family recently I would wait a little longer.
You have said and I am pointed on this one, your mother knows and is waiting for you to confide in her.
I do not know any girls for instance who are partly or mildly pregnant.

[Maria S]

I think I would leave it a while until your family have got over your bereavement.

Maria

[flatlander_48]

Coming out is always a very personal matter and one that requires a fair amount of thought. You have to figure out how to got about it that suits you. If you're comfortable with your choices, that's what counts. Clearly you don't want to bludgeon someone with the information, so the How is important. The thing is, once you decide what you are going to do, go ahead and do it. Just Do It. If you make the decision and keep postponing the implementation, it becomes harder.

[Kimberlyfaye]

I keep changing my mind on whether or not I care if people know. Sometimes I think I don't want to be as hidden anymore. When I say she partially knows I mean she knows I've dressed up and that I do it sometimes for stuff like conventions. But she doesn't know I feel happier that way and that I might be TG. Also the same can be said about the other family who saw a couple of pictures. No one really knows how I feel. And I keep wanting to actually just come out and say it. Maybe it will mean I can dress a bit more or at least know if there are extra people who accept and support me.

[flatlander_48]

It's a complicated thought process and is often a function of the particular people that you are thinking about. The tendency is that people mostly respond better than you think. However, there are always some who will do just the opposite. It's not entirely predictable.

As I've mentioned elsewhere, I'm out as a bisexual to everyone in our LGBT employee affinity group, 3 close friends and my wife. However, as a crossdresser I am only out to 2 of the close friends and my wife. Ir occurred to me that crossdressing wasn't something that I felt should fall into the common knowledge category. Maybe at some point I will change my mind, but I've working around too many macho types and just don't need the hassle. Anyway, the point is that you sort it out as you go...

[xdressed]

My gut reaction is that you're on the right track. Judging from your previous posts I think you'd benefit greatly from being open with your family and maybe getting to dress around them. They obviously have more than an inkling and are unlikely to be particularly shocked. Just take your time with it if you do go through with it

[Jennifer Marie P.]

Kim only your bheart can make a decision like that.

[kimdl93]

I'd let the moment pass. If you're dealing with other emotional issues, this simply isn't the time to add to the stress.

It seems you may be out to some degree, at least to those family members who have seen your pictures. There's not absolute necessity to o farther at this point.

But I'd also like to suggest that although the cat may be part way out of the bag, not all family members may need to be equally well informed and on some occassions you may wish to continue to present yourself as male. Its something you can work into over time.

[Kimberlyfaye]

Thank you everyone. I didn't say anything in the end. I didn't get offered a job but I have been shortlisted for one. I'm going to a interview day where I'll see what their employees do. So it's going ok. I would like to be more open around my family. Hopefully by telling some of them I could be. Even if I can't at least I won't be in hiding.

Anyway thanks for all your wise words :)

Kim x