Maybe you’re wrong, and they’re right

[Frédérique]

Do you ever have doubts about what you’re doing? Do you ever think, if only for a moment, that your situation is patently impossible, and maybe, just maybe, you’re WRONG, and you should start doing things right? I suppose I could be wrong, you know – I’ve been wrong before...
:doh:

This idea, or notion, wafts into my mind on occasion, but I don’t pay too much attention to it. I mean, here I am, a MtF crossdresser, obstinate to a fault, laughed at, isolated, marginalized, and lonely, bereft of any genuine connection with the outside world. I’ve painted myself into a corner, made my bed, and burned my bridges – where do I go from here? I have no choice but to try to live within the cramped space I have carved out for myself, for better or worse...

I see people going about their daily lives, with things to do, places to go, friends and family by their side, while I just sit here. My choice of clothing precludes any notion of having a normal life, and this gets to me sometimes. I could be out there, doing that thing, rather than trying to do the impossible, i.e. go from M to F via reinvention. It’s not easy, but why did I choose this route through life? It WAS a choice, BTW. Why must I always do things the hard way?

Please don’t mistake this as a cry for help. It isn’t. In any event, certain individuals on this site have pointed out, quite clearly, that I am the only one that can help ME. I understand that, and I must say I agree with that “position,” but I would gladly help anyone if I could. I suppose that if I was more normal, or doing those normal things that normal people do, I would feel a sense of accomplishment, rather than this feeling of emptiness...

Instead, I have to defend my decision to crossdress, or, at the very least, protect it. I have no choice in the matter, after all – if I lose ME, I will become one of the walking dead, a legion of non-individuals who assume they’re right. Hmmm... Come to think of it, maybe being “wrong” isn’t so bad after all...
:battingeyelashes:

Are you the master (I mean mistress) of your convictions, or do you doubt yourself? :thinking:

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Freddi, Sometimes I look at that pretty lady looking back at me in the mirror and wondering,

What in the Hell am I doing and then the thought goes away .

[Kate Simmons]

The only thing I can say Freddy is that most people seem to be forever looking for something as if in a fruitless search. Many of us, it seems, have found what we are looking for, loneliness and isolation, etc. notwithstanding. Hey as they say, it's a tough job but someone has to do it, right? It may as well be us.:battingeyelashes::)

[Alice Torn]

Freddy, Conflict about this, does not seem to ever end. It wanes at times. I live a secret life with this, too, and i have very few , if any close friends now. I am a loner, but do help other s a times, and go to a 12 step adult children group. My religion forbids any crossdressing, which keeps me in conflict, and secrecy. I know that i will stop crossdressing sometime in the future, either because of health crises, desperate survival mode circumstances, i.e. homeless, hungry, cold, or death. It is something i do not need to do that often. Twice a month is enough for me, as often i am just too fatigues, and tired to go through the work of it all! I accept my male side, at times, and do fine with it, when fixing the car, or bicycle, or doing other physical work. I admit to being way too self centered, and narcissistic , though, whether dressed in guy mode, or my secret lady mode. There is conflict over whether i would even want to be in a committed relationship, as I am definitely too into myself, especially when dressed up. I hope to start doing volunteer work, someday, after my father passes. I too, feel so out of the normal, when i am around couples, families, groups. So tired of decades being "the loner", and oddball, alone in restaurants, on the bike, and most everything else, the loner.

[Luna Nyx]

Hi Freddi, Sometimes I look at that pretty lady looking back at me in the mirror and wondering,

What in the Hell am I doing .

I had this roll through my mind not to long ago. I was having a bad day and i was spiraling downward. I looked in the mirrior and really thought " im a 27 year old man dressed as a woman. what the hell an i thinking." Then a little voice spoke up and I said. " Bitch, im Fabulous." After that i havent had a moments doubt.

[flogo920]

Crossdressing is illogical, irrational, costly, and can seriously complicate one's life.

It is also intensely pleasureable, enables one to reach escape velocity from the multiple stresses of one's life, and for most CDers I know, there is NO REPLACEMENT-

A taboo is something society cannot replace.

So- what to do ??Most of us are married hetero men- unless you want your SO involved, I would say
try hard to control pink fog episodes and like anything else- do not let it dominate your life either by
overdoing it or wasting time trying to figure out why you do it and trying to stop or by wasting time and energy on guilt.

With life as difficult and complicated as it is, it is refreshing to be able to indulge in ann escape with no toxicity (ie like alcohol or drugs) , no illegality, and no harm to others as long as it is done withoug cost to familyor job time.

My 2 cents

Hugs,

Flo

[Angela Campbell]

In my 50 years of wearing womans clothes, I have tried that argument. What if I am wrong, wouldn't it be easier not to do this? It took years of denying it, trying to ignore it, and pretending it doesn't exist. I finally decided I did that long enough and it is time to let Ellen have a life too. I was born this way. I am this way. I still have a normal life, I can still do the things others do. Sometimes I look like a man when I do it, and sometimes I look like a lady when I do it. Since I just gave in and started embracing it I am a much happier person than I ever was before. I was wrong before when I tried to deny it.

[Lady Catherine]

flogo920

And a fine 2 cents it is. I couldn't have said it better.

[GroovyChristy]

Freddy, I regularly have intense episodes of doubt. It has nothing to do with my convictions though, but rather my bouts of depression. I think to myself, "what is the point? I can never be a genetic female. I can never "pass." Is this all futile?" But I have become increasingly aware that to deny myself would be to live a lie. If I tried to fit into society's rigid expectations of being a male, I would be far more miserable than I am in my periods of doubt. It is exactly the same feeling I have about my music - I am by no means a great musician. But I love making music, and would be profoundly unhappy if I were to stop. We must be true to ourselves. I feel perfectly validated in wearing women's clothes, and this was greatly strengthened by a spiritual experience I had (I won't go into it here, but am happy sharing it in a PM if you are interested) in which I basically began to feel that God supported my decision to embrace this aspect of myself, which is indeed a centrally important aspect of who I am.

I know the feeling of isolation and loneliness all too well, and have always known that my life cannot be quite like the lives of "normal" people (as if such a thing existed). I wish that all of us here could get together in person, but that is not likely. However, we can be here for each other in our times of need. Freddy, and anyone else for that matter, please feel free to PM me if you ever want someone to talk to.



Crossdressing is illogical, irrational, costly, and can seriously complicate one's life.


Flo, I find that this description fits many of the best things in life, to the point that these characteristics, while dangerous, are not undesirable, but often virtuous. :)

[Rachelakld]

Often thought it was wrong and still continued.
One day wife said "did you kill someone?" no.
"Did you hurt someone?", no.
"Did you do something illegal?" no.
"Well if these are our moral guides to wrong, how can wearing a skirt be wrong?"

[Betty_42]

I find it's silly to worry about what others say. "If you're always concerned with what others think, you will never be free." It's a prison is what it is! So in a sense, I suppose you're damned either way! So why the hell not be damned for doing what you like to do?

[Krististeph]

Frédérique: Do you ever have doubts about what you’re doing?

all the time my little Kansas Kitten. All the time.

quote: 'rique; Do you ever think, if only for a moment, that your situation is patently impossible, and maybe, just maybe, you’re WRONG, and you should start doing things right?

OH you are so right, so clever, so true to thought....

but, my dear Frederique, with much love, and even more regret- i'm now going to kick your ass clear into Kentucky... :-) and like all truly profound ass kickings- this one is uber simple:

"doing thing right?"

Frederique- you are not as subtle as you think-- you are steering me right into saying what you want me to say- (and i'm rather impressed by this level of guile, takes some serious practice)

what the f is "right"?

This is by no means the answer- but here is what i did this week: read and responded to a truly crappy hundred pages of modern 'literture', and responded positively and subtly provocatively in class. helped a half dozen student through a 'final' based on serious hard work, yet forcing them to address question outside their bookwork, but appropriate to the real world, and figuring out how to do so while giving them the confidence of a graduate but the questioning of someone who realises ther is much more out there. securing a furnace for less than 1/2 typical install price. researching the appropriate NFPA codes to assure proper install, and doing so, including brickwork. playing with and giving small animals attention consistent with the best care possible. kicking other sutdent's asses for not working hard enough and having them apologise for not doing so and promising to keep working.

so did i do wrong? this is what i really am. the fact i'd rather do so waring a skirt has no impact at all, except to my own detriment, for my various and admittedly probably poor reasons

I act goofy, manic, and odd in class, and no doubt some of my students figure out i'm non-traditional in some way. But they also know i will kick anybody's ass, the dean included, if they interfere with my students' learning. Doing the job with alacrity and forthrightness means showing you put others first, and my students, and clients, figure this out and value it.

i'd bet serious money that 90% of them would not care less if they found out i was a serious crossdresser, and some might even be interested in how wearing a briefer while installing a 10 ton furnace affects the way it is approached...

Are you the master (I mean mistress) of your convictions, or do you doubt yourself? :thinking: [/QUOTE]

of my own? get the hell out of town if you have any question. but am i the master of interaction with the rest of the world? No, not in the top half, not yet. I claim it is due to worry about my position, and our community standing/social position. whether this is the real reason or not, i'm admitting 50/50 that most of you could guess as accurately as me in this case.

I admit i'm a pussy. just be careful about what you think that lets you get away with... sweetie.

good question Frederique...

-kristi (in sheer energy, a long formal ball skirt, and a slinky long sleeve top)

[Wildaboutheels]

Doubt? Never. Since I myself could care less about what other people are wearing. Or the WHY of their clothing choices if it is not "normal". My ONLY concern is how people interact with me so I expect the same from others... and with few exceptions, that's what happens.

There will always be some people who just don't "get it". Who would rather die than to pull their heads from the sand. Allowing THOSE narrow minded people to dictate what one can wear in public is just plain silly IMO.

"We have met the enemy and they is us."

[KellyJameson]

It is interesting how extroversion and introversion play out with crossdressers.

Growing up in Los Angeles, a stones throw from the Queen Mary it never occurred to me that there was such a thing as a closeted crossdresser even though I bet I passed hundreds of them on every sidewalk in america.

Even though I heavily associated with transvestites, I was an introvert with no interest in drag but enjoyed the makeup and fashion behind the scenes and was giving fashion advice to half the neighborhoods rich wives.

It was not until I discovered various forums that I learned there was this whole world hidden from view of heterosexual crossdressers that sometimes are not always heterosexual which at first blush seemed more like me than all the transvestites with the occasional transsexual thrown in who were into men and always had been.

You really get a good sense of the difference between transvestites and transsexuals when you are in close proximity to both at the same time but the transsexuals I was meeting were into men and I was not into anyone so it was messing with my understanding of myself.

The extroverted crossdresser seems to have fewer problems than the introverted crossdresser so maybe it is not the crossdressing but the introversion that causes grief and not only for the crossdresser but the transgender and the transsexual.

The problem with living in the shadows is it stops living because if you want to grow you have to find the courage from somewhere to step out and take risks.

It seems those who live boldly may suffer the slings and arrows but it is in this surviving that makes possible personal growth and exploration.

Kansas is very close to Colorado to take risks, but far enough away to not risk home and there are those on the forum who would enjoy helping you step out into the world if you asked for their help.

Sensitivity is a wonderful thing if it does not build walls that imprison you and it is this sensitivity not the crossdressing that you are protecting. I know this behavior very well and how hard it is to risk stepping into a world that is so ugly with cruelty.

You only want beautiful experiences but we are meant to do more than just experience beauty. At some point we must give something back to life or our lives are wasted.

You do not have a problem with crossdressing but with being hurt by people.

The more we remove ourselves from the world the more our world shrinks and soon it becomes impossible to leave the house.

[Amanda M]

Freddy - you DO have choice, if you want to consider it.

Best, Amanda

[Joanne f]

Defiantly Not,
How can I be wrong for being Me and enjoying things that make me happy just because I may not fit into a specific niche in society , it is something that does no physical harm to any one and in theory it should not do any mental harm but if it does that is because of the way they are looking at it not because of what I am or what I am doing , the responsibly for any thoughts of wrong doing is on there head NOT mine , I have a right to be me as they have a right to be them yet do I pick on them NO so who is right and who is wrong , well I know that I am NOT wrong for being me .

[Annette Todd]

Frederique,
I appreciate your thought provoking posts greatly.
I often question my own motives and ask myself why I am on the path I have chosen. On one hand I want more... to be out and myself and enjoying the freedom to express myself as I wish. Yet, there are several underlying factors that do cause me to question these desires of being myself. These are: I am old, I am fat, and I make for a truly hideous looking woman.
So I ask myself frequently why I want to try to appear more feminine and for me this involves trying to make certain changes to my body. I know that I am a hetero male and have zero desire to go under the knife to essentially change my being. I guess the answer I keep coming up with is that making the effort of caring for the finer details of my appearance helps me to appreciate more who I am.
There are some aspects of my life that have fallen apart; my marriage has ended but all-in-all that is mostly for the best. However, I realize that my current obsession will prove to be detrimental when trying to establish new relationships especially love interests. As an introvert, I have always feared rejection and have always remained distant when I would otherwise wish to embrace the chance to be close to those who attract my attention.
I may not be sequestered in a small town with all of the predjudices and gossip that goes along with it, but I understand that world as I grew up in a similar environment. Today it isn't so much the small town but in the environment of the industry I work in there are most who are very reticent about acceptance of those who choose to live their lives in ways that are considered outside of the norm. So as a compromize I underdress. Although, it is very difficult to hide wearing polished nails all the time and I like dangly earrings that I have decided to hell with them if they don't approve. I do get some forms of acceptance and mostly from women who comment favorably on my nails and choice of color. This does bolster my confidence, though I can't deny my reluctance to take any further steps.
I cannot say that I am the master/mistress of my own destiny because my fears of ridicule keep me bound up in a very tight box as well. I don't know how to break out of this box built around myself. I guees only time will tell.
Thanks Freddie for your ability to inspire introspective expolration.

Annette

[Rogina B]

I think Freddy just threw out a baited hook knowing it would draw action.. all the while,sitting in the cowbarn in Kansas doing a seascape from memory..lol Rogina has never allowed herself to get boxed in.And I believe,from what I see,that it is possible to find a SO[female or male] that will complement the "T" and expand life socially with new friends and activities.However,they probably won't be in the mainstream vanilla world. You have to make your own life if you want one.

[adrienner99]

The terms "right and wrong" don't apply to every aspect of human behavior. Crossdressing may not be "normal" but there is nothing remotely wrong with it. But because it is so different, so misunderstood and I think so feared by straight men who feel they must lash out at it--some loneliness is damn sure inevitable. One reason for wonderful forums like this is to let you connect with people who love the same girly things you do. The same is true for the many support groups and conventions. I'll bet you could PM anyone on this forum and they would be as happy to make contact as you would.

Crossdressing is a struggle. I don't think there is any getting around it. To come out is a risk not just to ourselves but to those who love us...For me, it is somewhat-guilt ridden--though I know that is only giving in to other people's projections of what I should be....I do see photos once in awhile of CDs out in public who look content, happy to be alive and THAT is the kind of girl I strive to be....I have read many of your posts and think you are a thoughtful, lovely girl...We may not have all the freedom and friends we want, but we still get to wear dresses and heels and lipstick sometimes...t he whole thing is ultimately a quest for balance.

[Frédérique]

Frederique- you are not as subtle as you think-- you are steering me right into saying what you want me to say- (and i'm rather impressed by this level of guile, takes some serious practice) what the f is "right"?

I’m surprised nobody (yet) has blurted out, “What is normal?” or “What is right?” That is the ultimate question here, but I’m thinking more about those moments, however fleeting, when you feel surrounded by non-acceptance, knowing it will never change. Selling out can be like a siren’s call – it would be so easy to give in, but, if I did, I know my soul would harden and become brittle, and my life expectancy would drop propitiously. Huh? It wouldn’t be GOOD, is what I’m trying to say…
:sad:


Sensitivity is a wonderful thing if it does not build walls that imprison you and it is this sensitivity not the crossdressing that you are protecting. I know this behavior very well and how hard it is to risk stepping into a world that is so ugly with cruelty. You only want beautiful experiences but we are meant to do more than just experience beauty. At some point we must give something back to life or our lives are wasted. You do not have a problem with crossdressing but with being hurt by people.

I think you have something there. The inherent sensitivity I have is most precious, and my crossdressing flows, unchecked, from this spring of sensitivity. Just being on this site, tossing out ideas or different ways of looking at things, is a way of “giving back,” however remote it may be, but it all reflects back onto the girl who detests ugliness. I find that I cannot join the cacophony going on all around me; in fact doing so would be an act of personal treason. At best, I learn to live with my lot in life, and this necessitates certain miserliness when it comes to sensitivity…


I think Freddy just threw out a baited hook knowing it would draw action.. all the while,sitting in the cowbarn in Kansas doing a seascape from memory..lol

Make that a grain elevator, and I’m painting an expressionistic self-portrait from memory…:heehee:

Throwing out a baited hook? I’m neither fishing nor trolling, rather I’m paddling upstream, against the current, destination unknown, looking for some company…

[Cheryl T]

I doubted myself (and my sanity at times) for decades until I came to accept that this is who I am. I have no idea why I am like this and about 8 years ago I decided that it no longer mattered WHY. Now all that matters is WHO I am and I am happy with my answer.

[Beverley Sims]

Frédérique,
I am wondering if your tolerance level towards others is too high.
Meaning that they say something and you believe otherwise you do not bend their way at all.

I read what I think are thoughtful posts here and do reply, sometimes seriously and some with levity.
I know this is falling on deaf ears as you have marked me as a person not worth reading so my suggestions are going into cyber space.
When I reply with levity I have fallen into a hole as it has gone over your head or you just don't get it.
I am only saying, "lighten up". recognize a joke when you see it.

There is a lot of fun and enjoyment on this board without us getting morbid and morose.
Go to the Lounge and learn how the Brits and "Scotch" dunk their "Scots" biscuits in their tee, no thats golf.... Tea.
(If the Scots don't get that I'm sunk.)
On the other side of the coin those transitioning can find the lighter side of their adventures as well.

To answer the question, I hope to remain the Master/Mistress of my own destiny.
I was convicted years ago.
There is no doubt about me, I am me.

[suzy1]

A bit of a sad post Freddy. I wish I could help cheer you up.

Yes, I am master/mistress of my convictions.

One of the reasons I stay in the closet is so that I can have a full life. [Or lives]
My life as Suzy and my life as someone with a wonderful family and friends all over the country because of the sport I am involved with.
But if I came out of my closet things would not be so good.

So I have no doubts whatsoever.

[kellycan27]

To me it sounds like you are locked up in your own self imposed prison. ..... Just saying

[busker]

Frédérique,
As you have stated many times, your dressing is not about being TG or wanting to be a woman, or doing this 24/7/365, so what is so important about this that you NEED to make this public. If this is a tactile experience, the public isn't going to appreciate it, and you don't need to be at the shopping center to enjoy it. On the one hand, you enjoy your dressing activities and on the other hand, you seem to want to exhibit this activity to those people that you know will trash your world. You wouldn't make a good spy.
It is a bit schizophrenic to maintain 2 worlds but it can be done if it truly is for your personal enjoyment. Outing oneself is also a bit of exhibitionism--look at me ma! Yeah, we're all a bit odd here, but we probably have other oddities about ourselves. I like jazz, and that puts me in the bottom--now maybe 2% of music listeners. The rest of my musical interests put me out on distant planets. But I have absolutely no need to shout it from the rooftops. If you see my record collection, it is obvious what my musical likes and dislikes are.
I often get the feeling reading your posts that you want some sort of public approval for a private endeavor. (ever think of exposing yourself via your art? e.g. painting men in mixed attire) So I guess to repeat my question, what is so important about making this public? If you have not been truthful with yourself, then you have do that first. Why to you want to connect this activity with the outside world? Would this really make your life better?
I have breasts--great for dressing, but this is something I want to hide from the public. It is probably worse for a male having breasts than being a CD, and that is saying something. Thankfully my life is mostly over and I don't interact with the public much anymore. It's my secret, and I intend to keep it that way. I dress in woman's clothing everyday, but I don't femulate. I see that as futile. I crossdress in my own way and I don't worry about it too much. I see this whole business as a biochemical problem--I'm one of nature's side effects. some people are short, some are tall, some are whatever they are. I have accepted the limitations of my shell, the same as if I were born with an IQ of 160.
best wishes in your hunt for answers

[sometimes_miss]

What if I'm wrong.....well, I'm waiting for a better answer. Most all other theories that people have suggested are based on one aspect of my behavior, such as the most often used suggestion that I dress like a pretty girl, so that must mean I want to attract men to have sex with them. And if you only look at that one thought and disregard everything else, I can understand why someone might think that. Sadly, most people are stupid, and want simple answers to complicated questions. It's one reason why we have the rascals in public office that we do.

[Frédérique]

I am wondering if your tolerance level towards others is too high. Meaning that they say something and you believe otherwise you do not bend their way at all.

I could say the same thing about others. I bend pretty well…:straightface:


A bit of a sad post Freddy. I wish I could help cheer you up.

You DO cheer me up – I wish you were around more often! However, it’s been “open” season on Freddy for the past week or more (have you noticed?), so that may explain my state of mind. Just today I got a PM from an individual who insists I have too much time on my hands! Why? Is it because I write more than one sentence at a time? Sometimes I feel like I’m being stoned (in the traditional meaning of that word, I mean), and it can get tiring. Maybe my destiny is to become a martyr for the cause. Sorry – that’s a bit off topic…
:sad:


I often get the feeling reading your posts that you want some sort of public approval for a private endeavor. (ever think of exposing yourself via your art? e.g. painting men in mixed attire) So I guess to repeat my question, what is so important about making this public? If you have not been truthful with yourself, then you have do that first. Why to you want to connect this activity with the outside world? Would this really make your life better?

I make this public because it seems to relate to other, similar posts about confused mental states, i.e. how one FEELS at any given time during one’s crossdressing “career.” If everyone else is doing it, I might as well join in and reap the benefits. Most of the time (99%+) I feel fine about my crossdressing, but I also have those fleeting moments of doubt that nearly everyone experiences. I’m not talking about connecting this activity (CD’ing) with the outside world, I’m talking about giving up on it, forgetting about gender-queerness, and becoming more openly normal (in a conformist sense). In other words, literally stopping the “music,” stepping off the crossdressing merry-go-round, and becoming a manifestation of the possible, rather than the impossible…

BTW, I do reveal my “self” in my artwork, and I hope that doesn’t sound too cute. In my paintings the boys look like girls, the girls look like boys, and they frolic together in an idyllic, imaginary landscape of beauty. When someone questions what it’s all about, I tell them I’m exercising my artistic license, creating the world that I want to see. Exposing myself via art this way is fun, and, since art is just as non-understandable as crossdressing, no one is the wiser. Actually, I feel I get plenty of "public" approval for my private endeavor on this site...
:battingeyelashes:

Was that TOO revealing? :idontknow:

[Valerie Nova]

I've come to the conclusion that someone crossdressing, at least part-time, should be seen as more of an embarrassing hobby, or maybe more like watching porn, than like some huge horrible perversion. I think they do it well in Thailand, where kathoey (ladyboys) are accepted, even if they're often limited in their opportunities, but being that way is considered to be something that someone can't help. So like, they're families will be disappointed, but it's still better than the Christian solution of pretending the problem doesn't exist, and threatening disowning and hellfire when it does manifest. Man, when looked at as an explanation of the meaning of life, Christianity sucks balls. I guess Islam is still worse though, but I kind of like some of the philosophy of Hinduism and Buddhism.

[SarahMarie42]

In my religion, the meaning of life is to construct small sculptures of caramelized sugar to pay tribute to the great god of candy. It's pretty nifty. :]

[Ressie]

Sounds like the difficulty is being in the closet full time? If you are staying home, dressed, afraid to go out in public, you will become bored and depressed. Relationships in the real world are essential to happiness. So the choices are simple; Go back and forth from male/female mode or leave the closet to show your town what you've been up to. I won't say staying home is wrong, but that it's unhealthy.

We all have a part of us that determines what is right and wrong. Some people have a personality disorder that allows them to ignore it. These people usually become criminals.

[suzy1]

but it's still better than the Christian solution of pretending the problem doesn't exist, and threatening disowning and hellfire when it does manifest. Man, when looked at as an explanation of the meaning of life, Christianity sucks balls. I guess Islam is still worse though, but I kind of like some of the philosophy of Hinduism and Buddhism.

Try atheism, then you have no problems with CDing:straightface:

[GroovyChristy]

Is it really necessary to bring religion into this? Christianity has no official position on this or other social issues. Some churches and denominations might, but the Church, Christianity in general, doesn't. I imagine it is the same way with the other religions as well. We shouldn't insult an entire religion based on a few (or even most) of its members, or use stereotypes to justify our aversion to religion.

[Lorileah]

back on subject. Religion does not belong here. (I need a yellow card icon)

[Marleena]

Freddy they're not right. For a CD/TS/TG this is our own reality and it is right for us. It only seems wrong to them because they have not experienced what we do. They need to be educated that there is more to gender than they realize. I refuse to beat myself over the head over this, it's not worth it. I accept that some can't accept other views than what they believe to be true.

[Trishpdxcd2]

Well I can understand how being a crossdresser can affect relationships and end up in isolation. I suppose that is why I am very closeted. I live in two worlds now and wish it weren't so but I like my world when I am out of gurl mode. For me dressing makes me feel very sexy and it doesn't define my life but enhances it. I guess that is my fear of coming out to my so. I wouldn't want it to define me and I fear it would to her. So I understand the conflict and at times think why do I risk harming my personal relationships? At times I think I may come out and drop hints but still stay closeted. For each of us it is different but for me I love my gurl time but it is just a part of me, doesn't define me. Many things do. But I probably won't stop, when Trish looks back at me in the mirror...well you know what that feels like.

[kimdl93]

Its human nature to doubt. I have many attributes that diminish my ability to present effectively and persuasively as a female. And I face social and cultural barriers that prevent me from living full time as a woman. Of course, I can acknowledge that these aspects of live would be easier if I were different.

But the word "wrong" is where I run into a different kind of barrier. If I were performing a task, say adding a column of numbers, and I made an arithmetic error...then I can say, I was wrong, and correct the mistake. If I make a judgment about another person, and subsequent experience proves me wrong, I can acknowledge the mistake and accept a different view of that person.

But, while I've been wrong about people, made lots of technical and judgement errors in may life, I am not mistaken about who I am. I know because I have spent a good deal of my life judging myself in accordance with what I thought was "right" and learned that society was wrong. I didnt chooose to be transgendered. I didn't choose to identify as female. I even tried to ignore, repress and deny this essentail truth about myself. So, someone may tell me I am wrong, or that what I do is wrong, but my experience tells me otherwise.

[Frédérique]

Odd how religion wended its way into a thread with the word “wrong” in the title, eh? Who would'a thunk it? :doh:


Freddy they're not right. For a CD/TS/TG this is our own reality and it is right for us. It only seems wrong to them because they have not experienced what we do. They need to be educated that there is more to gender than they realize. I refuse to beat myself over the head over this, it's not worth it. I accept that some can't accept other views than what they believe to be true.

I feel surrounded by people who cannot look beyond their own gender boundaries, kind of like I’m sitting in a Marie’s Bath, and I’m Marie. So pervasive is this ambient temperature that I can feel it, deep in my closet, and I am being summoned or beckoned, to give up what others call nonsense but I call necessity. It chills me to the bone and dulls the senses, but I persevere. I’m exaggerating this a little for the sake of argument, but you cannot deny that the general direction of the societal glacier is away from experimentation and towards complacency. I deal with these doubts by looking in the mirror and verifying the truth of my desired existence. That sounds a bit ponderous, I’m sure, so forgive me...
:o


Well I can understand how being a crossdresser can affect relationships and end up in isolation. I suppose that is why I am very closeted.

Lack of success with relationships (I can certainly relate) creates an opportunity for crossdressing without constraint – you can look at it that way. I think CD’ing is a precious gift to oneself...


But the word "wrong" is where I run into a different kind of barrier. If I were performing a task, say adding a column of numbers, and I made an arithmetic error...then I can say, I was wrong, and correct the mistake. If I make a judgment about another person, and subsequent experience proves me wrong, I can acknowledge the mistake and accept a different view of that person.

If I was standing in front of someone, crossdressed as I prefer to be, would someone accept this “view” of me, knowing full well that I could just as easily dress according to my birth gender? It takes some compassion to see past prejudice, and few have this kind of compassion. Of course, we all know what we’re doing, and, to a certain degree, we know WHY we’re doing it, but to others our way of doing things is just plain wrong – I can honestly say that I WANT to be right, according to my own precepts, but it can get exhausting at times trying to constantly swim upstream...
:sigh:

[kimdl93]

If I was standing in front of someone, crossdressed as I prefer to be, would someone accept this “view” of me, knowing full well that I could just as easily dress according to my birth gender? It takes some compassion to see past prejudice, and few have this kind of compassion. Of course, we all know what we’re doing, and, to a certain degree, we know WHY we’re doing it, but to others our way of doing things is just plain wrong – I can honestly say that I WANT to be right, according to my own precepts, but it can get exhausting at times trying to constantly swim upstream...
:sigh:[/QUOTE]

I can't control what people think. If someone believes adamantly that I am wrong, but can't offer any objective proof or persuasive reasoning, then why should I let them dictate the conditions of my life. I doubt any such person is going to present any new evidence. So let the think what they want.

[Nikki50/50]

If I was standing in front of someone, crossdressed as I prefer to be, would someone accept this “view” of me, knowing full well that I could just as easily dress according to my birth gender? It takes some compassion to see past prejudice, and few have this kind of compassion. Of course, we all know what we’re doing, and, to a certain degree, we know WHY we’re doing it, but to others our way of doing things is just plain wrong – I can honestly say that I WANT to be right, according to my own precepts, but it can get exhausting at times trying to constantly swim upstream...
:sigh:

Frederique...as we all know, who you are is not defined by how you dress. In the eyes of any given beholder, appearing to them as a male dressed in female attire will be a deviation from expectation. To them, your appearance as a female is an illusory apparition; a deception. There will be a moment of re-orientation of expectation. The question, therefore, would be; Can you, crossdressed as you prefer to be, harbor understanding and 'acceptance' of the beholder's reticent acceptance of you as you are? Remember, you should always give people a chance. They may surprise you.
On the notion that you are swimming upstream in some endeavor do right by your own precepts...I ask 'why?'. It is self-tiring, and with only your own precepts to go by, in the end you will realize that you were only attempting to swim backwards in an upstream current. Quod Erat Demonstrandum; you were doing right by you, all along.
You are one of the more well spoken and introspective members of this forum, Frederique, as many here would agree. As such; in the category of 'Is This Right?', only you can answer that. Only you have that right and privelege, and I suspect the smile that crosses your features when you deliver that answer unto yourself upon asking would light a room quite nicely.

[PaulaQ]

[COLOR="black"]Do you ever have doubts about what you’re doing? Do you ever think, if only for a moment, that your situation is patently impossible, and maybe, just maybe, you’re WRONG, and you should start doing things right? I suppose I could be wrong, you know – I’ve been wrong before...
:doh:



Crossdressing is a feeling as much as it is something one does. How can your feelings be 'right' or 'wrong'. They simply are what they are, and you have them.

What one chooses to do with those feelings might be right or wrong, and how one chooses to deal with this can most certainly be right or wrong.

In general, though, about things that don't conform, 'they' are wrong an awful lot, at least in my experience. 'They' can go pound sand.

To answer your very first question though - absolutely, yes I have doubts all the time and have for years. I've felt this was a shameful secret, and I've hidden it. Being able to talk about it on this forum is a big step for me. I think my situation *is* patently impossible. However, it is not really the only situation I face that is patently impossible. It just seems to be the only one I can't admit "yeah, this is crazy - do something else."

[Stephanie47]

Once upon a time, a long time ago, an educated young man with aspirations and goals and taught to love everyone, was trained to be a killer. Now to ward off the ghosts of those who are not here by my hand I seek serenity, in part, by emulating the women who stayed at home. Was I wrong? Or, who was wrong? Or, who is wrong? Me? Now? Or then?

Right now I'll take the pretty red and white sundress over the olive drab fatigues.

[April_Ligeia]

Many people do many wrong things every day, such as armed robbery or child molestation. By any criteria, there are wrong acts, and I wonder if actual criminals ever ponder the wrongness of their acts. I would venture to say not.
If you think about it, there is a difference between 'wrong' and 'not a good idea,' or perhaps 'foolish.' Sometimes my crossdressing has made aspects of life more complicated, but that is because of other people's opinions. That does not make them right, or me wrong, but perhaps dressing as I wish in some situations is not a good idea.
I can live with that.

[Nikki50/50]

Many people do many wrong things every day, such as armed robbery or child molestation. By any criteria, there are wrong acts, and I wonder if actual criminals ever ponder the wrongness of their acts. I would venture to say not.
If you think about it, there is a difference between 'wrong' and 'not a good idea,' or perhaps 'foolish.' Sometimes my crossdressing has made aspects of life more complicated, but that is because of other people's opinions. That does not make them right, or me wrong, but perhaps dressing as I wish in some situations is not a good idea.
I can live with that.

The perceptions and interpretations of both concept and reality of what is 'good' is blurred/twisted/warped/distorted by those who commit 'evil' acts. Every being in existence knows, on some level; the difference between 'right' and 'wrong'.
The distinguishing variable here, is motive. Reason, if you will. NO-ONE acts in a way EVER, to gain the short-end of the proverbial stick. EVER.
Those who kill for pleasure, those who hurt others for nothing more than the thrill...they are not seeing their acts as evil, only self-serving. It feels good, in other words. They do not exist in a dank cave or evil dungeon/laboratory, rubbing their hands together and say to themselves "What villainous atrocities can I commit today, muwahahahahaaaaa". They are sick, and act on self-serving impulse, knowing on some level, but disregarding the concept of right and wrong.
On the other hand; those who kill for purpose...those trained to "reduce" targets on a battlefield...are fulfilling what they believe to be a higher calling. Allow me to state for the record that I myself do not condone the taking of life. I do, however see it as an unfortunate necessity in some very unfortunate situations. Is Stephanie47 an 'evil' person? No. Was she 'wrong', then? Now? No and No.
And yet she will be haunted by her actions to her own ending days. Is there atonement for her, this person who was willing to act as she did and live with the moral and ethical consequences, so the rest of us could continue as we have, and as we are? YES!
There is a difference between a soldier and a murderer. Stephanie, I salute thee, and may you lay your demons to rest.

[April_Ligeia]

Excellent point, Nikki. Allow me to clarify that I was answering the OP, and my response was a nonsequitor to Stephanie47s post. I was talking about criminals, not soldiers. Stephanie, I also wish you peace and all the best in life.

[Brynna M]

The only standard of right and wrong I see as objective is "was someone materially or emotional harmed" (offended doesn't count) After that right and wrong are pretty useless concepts. Concepts like "who I am" and "what I choose to do" have more practical value. I question whether my choice to crossdress (in the closet) is worth it and truelly necessary but absolute right and wrong don't apply. In the end I cannot escape it so i'm ok with it and enjoy it when I can.

On a side note i hope find a way to relieve your feelings of isolation. You seem to thoughtful a person to be miserably alone.

[jenni_xx]

[COLOR="black"]I mean, here I am, a MtF crossdresser, obstinate to a fault, laughed at, isolated, marginalized, and lonely, bereft of any genuine connection with the outside world.

Are you really though? Or is that self-imposition? You THINK you'll be marginalized, lonely, laughed at? How often do you go out, put yourself out there, for all an sundry to isolate, laugh, marginalise you?

I do that (put myself out there) all the time. And you know what? I never feel marginalized. I never feel isolated. And I'm rarely, if ever, laughed at. I can walk down the street, see from the corner of my eye people do a double take, and yet see from no corner of my eye anyone laughing at me or anyone making me feel uncomfortable, like I don't belong, or that I fall outside of what they regard to be normality, or more to the point, what they themselves would or would not expect to see on their own day out in public.

I have often found that if anything marginalises me then that is myself. Nothing more. Do I think I am wrong in presenting myself in the way that I do? Never. Not once. And more to the point, no one, ever, in my experience, has ever exhibited to me the idea that I am wrong because of how I present myself.

I will never defend myself for crossdressing, because crossdressing isn't something that I need to defend. I accept it. I accept myself. And I'm confident. If someone has a problem with my crossdressing, then it isn't me who needs to defend myself, but them who has to defend their own attitude of having a problem with my crossdressing. They are the ones who have to defend themselves. Not me.

[PaulaQ]

Are you really though? Or is that self-imposition? You THINK you'll be marginalized, lonely, laughed at? How often do you go out, put yourself out there, for all an sundry to isolate, laugh, marginalise you?


Not caring what other people think is the hardest thing to do sometimes. Even for me - and I have years of practice of not caring for other reasons.

I mostly only care what family and friends think. Everyone else? Not so much.

In my normal male drab, I am stared at CONSTANTLY - and not because I'm being admired... I don't even notice it anymore, although my wife does. (Kids are the most honest about this, btw.) Been that way my entire life - literally every single day.

For some reason, though, the idea going out crossdressed is scary to me, although perhaps I'm getting over that, because really, seriously I no longer care, or even notice, what other people think.

You are right though - caring about what other people think is 100% in your head. If you are scared about what other people will think or say, and so you isolate yourself, that really is all you. (It's different if they are actively hostile - but funny looks are surprisingly painless after a little exposure.)

[Krististeph]

my soul would harden and become brittle, and my life expectancy would drop propitiously. Huh? It wouldn’t be GOOD, is what I’m trying to say…

You said it very well, you have a sublime erudition in your rants. Way better than radio talk show hosts... Robert Price (talking about fundamentalism, which is relevant since they are one of the most anti-LGBT entities) says that all of the it is impossible to adopt another person's beleifs at will. That is selling out. If homosexuality was a choice, then the fundamentalist who say this should prove it, by choosing to be homosexual for a period, to show thet it is a chioce. of course they can't, it is not a f--ing choice!!! Duh. Same for whatever level of gender dysphoria we all have.

And if is it natural, it's neither good, nor bad. It just is. (now, grasshopper, try to snatch the stone from my palm...:))

[suchacutie]

Freddy, only an unthinking person will never question, never have doubts, never wonder "what if?". There is a book entitled, "the desease to please". One of the most difficult tasks all of us has as we mature into ourselves (a task some never accomplish successfully) is to move beyond our mentors to realize that they are not perfect themselves. Their flaws can be a link to our growth to maturity.

Even then we will have doubts, but then we won't be afraid to face them and assess them, fix the doubts that need fixing, and rejecting those that have no place within us.

[Kelly Smith]

Existential angst. It comes with living on the perimeter.

"From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone."

"Alone" by Edgar Allen Poe

[ArleneRaquel]

I have not had doubts since 2004 and I have moved ahead and I love my new life.

[flatlander_48]

Do you ever have doubts about what you’re doing? Do you ever think, if only for a moment, that your situation is patently impossible, and maybe, just maybe, you’re WRONG, and you should start doing things right? I suppose I could be wrong, you know – I’ve been wrong before...

Note that as humans, we have been given the gift of intelligence. It is a powerful and extraordinary tool. While clearly it can be used for less than good purposes, when we do use it for good it seems to magnify our original intent. So, you have a sack full of this currency. Spend it wisely and your grasp will finally equal your reach...

[DressForSuccess]

You do not have a problem with crossdressing but with being hurt by people.

I love this statement. Sometimes I doubt myself whether I should be crossdressing but like Kelly said, I am more afraid of what others think.