Mislead into thinking im a CD, Think I need some help.

[Michelle03]

I was think mislead to thinking I was a CD. The more I explored that idea the less it seemed me. This is not a fetish. Never has been.

When I was young I didn't necessarily want to dress like a girl but do what they were doing and I did. lol. I remember I wanted this barbie that had a horse with it soooo bad for christmas one year. lol. I got it too! Thanks santa! I always knew I was different and when I got to middle school I had no friends and things were horrible for me. I would cry in the mornings not to go to school.

I realized the only way I could get friends was to act like a "normal boy" and thats what I did. Things got better when I did and high school went fine. I kept those feelings inside. Most of my friends were girls and I would be the only guy with like 10 girls. They never knew anything and a few of them tried to date me or whatever they called it. I never told them anything though. I was always with them or on the phone with them.

After I graduated high school things changed. We went our separate ways slowly and the girls all started getting boyfriends and they would always be mad if the girls would be around me or talked to me so our friendships slowly disappeared.

I decided to find me a girlfriend just to try to get that friendship back. 2 years or so would go fine then they would leave me because they said I was never in a relationship with them just friends. We would rarely have sex and I was fine with that.

3 girls later... lol... I met one and decided to tell her about who I am. She suggested I was a crossdresser and she thought that was awesome... I did as well. I had this fancy label and someone who supported me....

As luck would have it she was sexually attracted to that aspect of me. When I was dressed she wanted sex. At first I thought it was ok but I kept trying to tell her that was not who I was. She never understood that I am a woman.

We had a child (the most beautiful girl in the whole world) during that time. Now were "together" but not in a relationship.

I know who I am, but I want everyone to see me that way. Im not sure what label this falls under or if at this point I even want to be labeled at all. I am looking at seeking a therapist now. Maybe they can help me sort through things.

Im just so frustrated with everything because nobody understands. Im not sure if I even understand.

Anyone else gone through this before? Does it get easier?

[melissaK]

Michelle03, Sweetie,
[1] Anyone else gone through this before? [2] Does it get easier?

[1] yes, lots and lots of us. Just keep reading the posts and threads here. You'll find so many amazing accounts.

[2] yes, but it will get harder first. Really. You need to learn a lot about yourself. A flood of us will suggest you see a "gender" therapist or counselor if you can. They can help you figure yourself out.

If a therapist is too expensive check with local transgender groups or cross-dressing groups in your city for leads on subsidized counselors, or free group sessions where you can talk to others with similar issues.

If you are a reader, go to an online bookstore (or get Barnes & Noble to order you in a copy) of Kate Bornstein's "My Gender Workbook." It will take you through the task of learning about gender, sexual orientation, etc.

And maybe ask the Forum moderators to join the under 30 age section group of the Forum.

Then after you have a better handle on "you" you can build the self confidence to lead a life without hiding like you did in high school, and then it gets easier.

Hugs,

[Rianna Humble]

I think that we could almost frame your sentence about nobody understanding even ourselves, and put it on the door :heehee:

Melissa has a great point about joining the 18-30 forum (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/faq.php?faq=pf#faq_ym_18_30)

Hopefully, between there and this forum, you might start to see your path in life a little clearer.

[MsRenee]

Girl you dont need to put a label on yourself.
Be who you truely want to be. Tg ,Ts ,etc are just letters as far as I can say.
Find that special person inside you and go from there, then start at your local Lgbt center and they will help you become her.
Hugs
Renee

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i was told by a therapist that i was a crossdresser when i was in my 20's and then again in early 40's

only you can decide where you belong ...it can be hard and sometimes we look for validation outside of ourselves before we look inside...it hurts less that way... but then of course you have the issue of what's going on with you now..

be patient and you will figure things out for yourself..its very important for you to hear that many many transsexuals viewed themselves and NOT ts for many years...

[suzy1]

Most of my life I thought I was a CD and now I am comfortable in my own skin as TG. [The penny finally dropped with help from this forum]

My guess is you will get to that happy stage in life when you do understand yourself although others around you might not.

You look young in your avatar so give it time girl and don’t let it get to you.

[morgan51]

Michelle 03 just don't do any more than you have to. Talk with others here and in a group setting if you can. A therapist was invaluable for me. Good searching. Hugs. M.

[jennifer24]

Honey dont put a label on yourself, labels are just that LABELS. be who you are and what your heart feels.
Seeking a therapist is a good step, it really helped me alot and finding a support group is a must so you can talk to others like you or close.
This forum will really help too.
Godd luck sweetie.

[KellyJameson]

In my opinion your brain was not masculinized in the womb because of a confluence of events related to genetics,maternal stressors and womb environment so your brain retained its original female brain structure.

Technically you have been living with the brain structure of a female.

The brain is a measuring device constantly making comparisions and by design must seek self definition to become self aware

We are not born with the concept of gender. A baby does not know whether the baby is female or male. Gender identity is aquired and this is where the problem comes for those male bodied with the brain structure of female.

In most instances the brain is masculinized in the womb to some degree where you have most men falling on a masculine gender identity spectrum where some are more masculine and some are more feminine but do not have identity issues because the structure matches life experiences.

In my opinion the transsexual brain cannot adopt a male gender identity, it is physically impossible and the more you try the more you will torment yourself.

The reason goes back to the automatic behavior of making comparisons once born. The brain will automatically adopt the gender identity of itself reflected in others that it "experiences as self" so in our case this is other girls.

Not all girls but "some" but boys no matter how similar will be experienced as "different" so foreign. You may like them very much but they will be viewed as belonging to a different world so are outside of you. Look closely at your life long relationship with boys and go deep into your mind about how you have always experienced them and men in general.

Gender identity is not done consciously so by choice. There IS NO CHOICE INVOLVED.

Gender identity is DONE TO YOU but only because the structure of your brain can "receive this identity".

The structure of your brain determines the gender identity you receive by the brain experiencing "environment".

You are not taught gender so people can tell you that you are a boy or girl but nobody can make you feel like a boy or girl. We may "think" what we are taught but we will not "feel it" which is the true reflection of the structure of the brain.

They can force you to call yourself a boy or girl but they cannot make you feel like a boy or girl because the feeling "as experiencing" comes from the structure of the brain.

Read the story of David Reimer where they tried to force him to live as a girl. His brain knew otherwise based on how he felt in relation to others.

Your subconscious has been trying to tell you something about itself which is the physical expression of your brain structure as female and how you are living is a reflection of your subconscious. I see similarities in your life story and mine.

Gender identity lives in the subconscious because it is subconsciously created because it is automatic so never done by choice and no one can create it but your own brain which is a "truth seeker" because truth equals survival.

Your brain learns gender identity on its own, not by what people teach you but by what the brain "experiences as self in others" so the brain looks for those who mirror the self as brain back to itself.

Because others see a boy but the brain experiences itself as female it creates a split between the subconscious which knows "its truth" and the conscious which has been taught "others truth" so you consciously identify (because you have been taught to identify) as "male" but there is conflict between the subconscious that is struggling for expression and the conscious that than tries to suppress this subconscious expression.

This is part of the experience of gender dysphoria.

The other part comes from your subconscious needing to create an external world that reflects its internal world of experiencing so you will want the physical world to reflect "identity as structure" that the brain has learned is "self"

This is why we need to make physical changes to the body to reflect the reality of the female brain structure which has learned based on comparisons to other females that something is wrong.

Look for eccentric and weird behavior in your past that "could be" your subconscious trying to create a female presentation.

Ask yourself about wondering if you are "gay" but yet not seeming to want to be with gay men.

Also look for avoidance behavior in those situations where you dealt with gender identity conflict by avoiding situations that challenged it. This was huge in my life.

You will avoid life to hold onto subconscious identity so you go into a self protective stance against all of life when life experiences create identity conflict, which is just about everything.

Look at your relationship to body and facial hair for clues.

I constantly had straight men experience me as gay and gay men not experience me as gay and this comes from heterosexual men experiencing my "femininity" because they experienced what my female brain structure expressed as "energy"

Also this female brain structure affects sexuality in my opinion so ask yourself how you compare to men (male brain structure) in regards to your own sexuality.

The words I could use for the experience of being transsexual to describe my behavior would be eccentric, odd, weird, off, different, apart, separate,abnormal, all the way from early childhood and up to the point where I understood, accepted and moved to resolve it.

Here is an example of someone who has transitioned who in my mind was born with a female brain structure. She is 100% female.

https://www.youtube.com/user/MeghansLife?feature=watch

[Ann Louise]

Sweetheart, yes, see a therapist - one who specializes in gender issues. In my opinion it's wonderful that you're working this out now and not very much later in life as I have. You're on the right track Michelle, and have the opportunity to live your life without the regret that you never faced your true self, and learned to love who you really are. Be strong dear, Elfin

[Jorja]

As I have said before, only use the label as a place to rest along the spectrum we call the transgender umbrella. This will give you time to explore and figure out just who and what you are. From there you can decide the direction you want to take. I strongly recommend finding an experienced gender therapist to help you figure it out.

[Michelle03]

I was planning on seeing a therapist already and now I feel like Ive had a good push. I was always worried about if and when I should see one but now I feel I need to... I just get bottled up and no 1 to talk to about things. Thanks so much for ya'lls support. It means so much to know Im not alone.

[Emily_Safford]

I've been sitting here for about 2 weeks trying to write about the same post you did to start this thread. for many reasons I could never make the transition...and the depression that builds at times is maddening for me. I did see a therapist for a while, and it certainly does help....if for nothing else you get your feelings out albeit slowly at times; but out and maybe a little clearer in your mind atleast :)

Emi ^.~

[I Am Paula]

If you draw a line on a piece of paper, and label one end CD, and the other TS, you CAN'T put your pencil on some point on the line and say 'this is where they switch'. That's just creating a NEW binary arguement.
You may never know which you are, and it doesn't matter. You are.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you can't draw a line from CD to TS...that's the problem...the line of cd'ing goes from "for a lark" to "loves to crossdress all the time".... and then it ends..it doesn't move one more step to now you are ts..
being ts and transitioning to living as a female is a binary thing...transition maked the idea of gender binary feel normal and good, almost neccessary...

as we grow up, some of us believe (or are told) we are a type of cd because of how we cope with the idea that we are ts by dressing up ....the physical act of putting on girl clothes when you are genetically male is called crossdressing...some of us always knew that was incorrect because of course we are girls...but others of us took for granted our maleness...and made other coping decisions ..including crossdressing and giving up hope that we could possibly really be female.....

one ironic thing for ts women is that the crossdressing may provide relief for feelings of anxiety and depression for a while, but over time its just another reminder that we are living as males..

[Michelle03]

Kaitlyn, those are my exact feelings. I didnt know how to put it into words but you did a great job of it.

Emily, I know how you feel. At this point I am in need of friends and support. Pm me if ya wanna talk. Probably cant offer any advice but can be a sholder if ya need one.

I am going to my first therapy session today and Im excited and nervous. We will see how it goes...Wish me luck! Lol

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. It feels so much better to know that Im not the only one and yalls kindness to post your thoughts are greatly appreciated. . Xoxo.......Michelle

[Emily_Safford]

Aww thanks! :) and the offer goes out to you as well.

Emi ~.^