But But But I'm into women...

[Ayame]

I feel two things happen, one is that people tie gender and sexuality together even though they are different, another is people flaunt their liking of women as if it makes them more normal, like they will say something, and then finish by saying "but I"m into women". Am I the only one that notices this? Wondering what other peoples opinions might be on this.

[Shananigans]

Yeah, I feel you. It gets even weirder when you try to explain your sexuality as just being attracted to people you find attractive...it's really hard for me to find a PC label for it that doesn't make people roll their eyes. I've always felt that it is best to keep things on a "need to know basis." I just find it a little weird that gay, straight, bi, whatever is part if our everyday identifiers. I mean, you're basically just walking around announcing the type of people that you will and will not have sex with...and, it seems a little TMI in most contexts. I think this might be the basis of your conundrum...why is it that we feel the need to share that information with people that we probably aren't going to end up having sex with? I mean, it's kind of how society operates...so, I think we all just play along...but, it's a little strange when you really think about it.

[Marleena]

Yeah some people constantly let us know they are straight. Then there is another one that loves to tell us that most MTF's are gay or bi. We have over 6700 active members so for example if 150 people reply they have bi fantasies and 50 of those have acted on them how the crap did they arrive at that conclusion?

The best part is who cares if somebody is bi, gay, straight or alien here? I know I don't. All MTF's are in a minority anyways.

[mikiSJ]

people tie gender and sexuality together even though they are different

Not true if the individual identifies as totally male or female. Most applications for anything ask for either sex OR gender, but never both. When the application asks for Gender, it is Male/Female/(sometimes) Decline to Answer.

I realize this is a bit idiosyncratic, but it is only on forums like this where that is important, or when living in a gender not consistent with your sex.

[Ayame]

Not true if the individual identifies as totally male or female. Most applications for anything ask for either sex OR gender, but never both. When the application asks for Gender, it is Male/Female/(sometimes) Decline to Answer.

I realize this is a bit idiosyncratic, but it is only on forums like this where that is important, or when living in a gender not consistent with your sex.


I was talking about sexuality, not sex. I have yet to have an application ask me what sexuality I am. :p

[Amy A]

Yeah, the disclaimer 'but I'm not gay or anything' seems especially pointless here of all places. To be honest, nobody in the real world has ever asked me my sexuality or felt the need to inform me of theirs, but it seems to be something that some on here feel they need to set people right on. But just as you could say that those who believe that anyone who does anything that strays from society's gender norms (such as crossdressing) must be batting for the other side are clearly ignorant of the distinction between sex, sexuality and gender, does someone's constant reiteration that they are straight hint at some degree of predjudice?

[Julie Gaum]

To Ayame:Sometimes there is a very good reason to proclaim which gender you are attracted to exclusively --- like coming out for the first time to one's wife. We all know that the first angry, hurt, resentful (name it) question asked of the now "out" CD is "Are you gay?".
If that CD is BI or gay the conversation/explanation will be far different than if he is heterosexual. A divorce/seperation is still likely with
probably one-third of those SOs hearing this confession but for the balance the results might be supporting, accepting or "I don't want to be involved". So yes, the wife has every right to have all the cards put on the table (Maybe not all at once.). With that said (hate that expression) there are Forum members who volunteer that information without being asked and then one wonders if they protest too much for that statement to be true.
Julie

[flatlander_48]

I feel two things happen, one is that people tie gender and sexuality together even though they are different, another is people flaunt their liking of women as if it makes them more normal, like they will say something, and then finish by saying "but I"m into women". Am I the only one that notices this? Wondering what other peoples opinions might be on this.

Yes, I also have a tendency to think that it's an odd phrase to throw in there. It reminds me of "The lady doth protest too much, methinks.".

[Emma Leigh]

I feel two things happen, one is that people tie gender and sexuality together even though they are different, another is people flaunt their liking of women as if it makes them more normal, like they will say something, and then finish by saying "but I"m into women". Am I the only one that notices this? Wondering what other peoples opinions might be on this.

Prolly cos most view CDers as being gay and they are trying to say they are,nt..personnaly I dont care

[Rachelakld]

TV news here is often about TV prostitutes, so my daughter was correctly worried about my relationship within the family (and the stability it created for her). She now knows not all CD wear underwear and swing on street signs at 2am to earn money.
It was a bit of a learning curve for her, even after seeing Miss Doubtfire movie.

[PaulaQ]

The irony is that I think being gay is generally (spouses excepted) more tolerated than being a CD.

I'd think a little confusion about your sexuality would be normal when you are trying to sort out and understand your gender identity. They are separate issues - yet intertwined to a degree too. In that confusion, I can see someone proclaiming that they are straight because they want at least SOME part of their identity to remain constant. (Which of course many times it will.)

Of course it could also be someone who simply doesn't want to face two different truths about themself at the same time...

[CynthiaD]

I generally avoid talking about my sexuality on this forum, because it just doesn't seem relevant to me. I realize that it's an important issue for some, but for me the whole sex/gender thing is complicated enough without introducing yet another variable.

And yes, it annoys me when people outside our community assume that all crossdressers must automatically be gay.

[flatlander_48]

The irony is that I think being gay is generally (spouses excepted) more tolerated than being a CD.

I think that is absolutly true. People understand (or think they do!) the difference between gay and straight. Crossdressing, however, has MANY different facets. We are hetero, gay, bisexual, transgender, gay or bisexual only when dressed, etc. Society basically has no understanding of all of these various perspectives. They're searching for simplicity, but there isn't any. Instead, they jump on the CD=Gay notion which is only partially true.

[docrobbysherry]

Yeah, I feel you. It gets even weirder when you try to explain your sexuality as just being attracted to people you find attractive...it's really hard for me to find a PC label for it that doesn't make people roll their eyes. I've always felt that it is best to keep things on a "need to know basis." I just find it a little weird that gay, straight, bi, whatever is part if our everyday identifiers. I mean, you're basically just walking around announcing the type of people that you will and will not have sex with...and, it seems a little TMI in most contexts. I think this might be the basis of your conundrum...why is it that we feel the need to share that information with people that we probably aren't going to end up having sex with? I mean, it's kind of how society operates...so, I think we all just play along...but, it's a little strange when you really think about it.
Yes, Shana sexual preference SHOULD be on a need to know basis. However, you will NEVER, internally, have to deal with the fear of the thots that come into some vanilla's minds when they see a man out in public in ladies gear!

When I began dressing, even I thot I must be gay! That may be the first thot many uninformed vanillas have about us. That we're all drag queens! However, these days I'd much prefer that folks assume I'm simply gay as opposed other really bad thots they may have about me! (Child molester, perv, prostitute, psycho, etc.)

I completely understand any dresser saying anything to explain themselves to Muggles!

[Robyn2006]

Maddening sometimes how any human is supposed to somehow fit into a neatly wrapped box. The spectrum of experiences, desires, and cold facts of our lives run wild. Personally, I'm quite sycophantic, maddeningly so. In my everyday life, women drive me nuts. But when crossed over to the fairer side, it's men, men , men, with a longing I'm thinking I need not elaborate. At the end of the day, I wish I had been born a woman and would love to have this as my everyday life. But heterosexuality seems to be my life, my stead, and I just have had to come to terms with this dichotomy. When a man, it's women, when a woman, it's men. So shoot me.

[Beverley Sims]

I think this is a bit of what your orientation is.
There are a lot of manly CDer's out there that think they are women that like women.
Me, I am sure I do not have the same affection for men as for women.
I do not wish to upset the men here but I am what I am.

[sometimes_miss]

<snip> another is people flaunt their liking of women as if it makes them more normal, like they will say something, and then finish by saying "but I"m into women".<snip>
We do that in order to state the opposite of what would be normally assumed, that anyone who dresses up as a sexually attractive female is naturally trying to sexually attract men. I think it's because a lot of us get really tired of being assumed to be homosexual, or in denial about it. So we state it up front to avoid going through that discussion for the ten thousandth time. We know we're not 'normal', but sometimes it's just simpler to put it in our posts, because many people can't be bothered to read the sigs or read anything else about us.

[I Am Paula]

'I'm not gay, or anything'...I've always loved that line. I certainly hope you're something. I specially like it when they finish an already stupid line with 'but if I was, I'd do you in an instant'. Proof that alcohol and testasterone don't mix.- Celeste

If I may add two disclaimers I hate:
I must be a lesbian- not funny, just kinda dumb.
If gay means happy....then I'm gay.- Cliche

[KendraCD2012]

u know, i have to say i'm guilty of saying, i'm not gay here on the forums and u know what, TC and others, ur right about the fact that no one here is asking me if i'm gay or str, so why should i give out info like that. just because i have a friend, who has asked how i'm not gay or bi, doesn't mean when i'm on a forum thats for crossdressers or anyplace that I should say it. and unless i'm personally asked, i won't give it to anyone on here or not online lol. no one here cares because most to all of you understand that cd's can be str or gay or bi, its just what we're attracted to.

[AmyGaleRT]

Ayame, this is so common, it's on TV Tropes: Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today? (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HaveIMentionedIAmHeterosexualToday) And they even mention that this is often used to establish that a character does not conform to stereotypes such as Trans Equals Gay (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TransEqualsGay).

Ultimately, though, people are going to believe what they want to believe, no matter what we say to them.

Of course, on this site, it doesn't really matter, at least not to me. I'm not looking to hook up with someone here; I already have someone, thank you. :) And anyway, on here, we're all just women together, supporting each other, cheering each others' triumphs, or just telling each other how nice our pictures look. :)

- Amy

[Shananigans]

Yes, Shana sexual preference SHOULD be on a need to know basis. However, you will NEVER, internally, have to deal with the fear of the thots that come into some vanilla's minds when they see a man out in public in ladies gear!

When I began dressing, even I thot I must be gay! That may be the first thot many uninformed vanillas have about us. That we're all drag queens! However, these days I'd much prefer that folks assume I'm simply gay as opposed other really bad thots they may have about me! (Child molester, perv, prostitute, psycho, etc.)

I completely understand any dresser saying anything to explain themselves to Muggles!

Oh, I think you'd be surprised on what I know...I feel like I am more than aware of violence from men towards anything they perceive as feminine, weaker, or "asking for it." But, it's not something I can take on and off.

But, as far as violence is concerned, I doubt a declaration of heterosexuality will drastically spark nonviolence in a person looking for trouble with you.

If it is a situation where you are getting hit on by a guy, then it's pretty relevant to tell him that you are only into women. But, in my experience, it's really hard for some guys to understand that you really aren't into men...I think when they see an attractive female that is dressed provocatively, it's just assumed that the whole thing is just a show for the men in the room. And, when you explain otherwise, there is a weird fall in heterosexual entitlement lol.

You know what works the best with getting men to leave you alone after you have explained that you are not interested? Ignoring them. If you have already said that you don't want to go there, end the conversation. I have a theory that hasn't done me wrong...A guy trying to "pick a girl up" is really only focused on that...I can explain that I am not interested and they usually leave at that...but, if they stick around, it isn't because they are really trying to get to know me/be my friend...9 times out of 10, they're just waiting around and hoping that they can change my mind.

So, if it's a situation where you are being hit on after you have said you aren't interested, don't try to further explain your sexuality...you said you weren't interested and that's that. You don't have to give a dissertation and speak for all TG people on the difference between sexuality and gender...that's way too big of a task...simply put, you aren't into him (AKA thanks, but no thanks). The more you stand there talking at him, the more he thinks he has a chance.

[rita63]

Well I'm not gay but... I'm not straight either, I'm just human and sex or non sex relationships are had with other humans with whom I share a strong loving attachment. We all need to relax and just get over the whole gender role nonsense and just be ourselves and accept others as themselves.

hugs rita

[Genifer Teal]

I like the line from the potentially gay kid on the Simpsons. "I'm not gay, I'm nothing yet!" Of course, he's too young. lol For myself, I find I fall into the "I like people" category. Gender is not as important as liking the person. I say this often enough but it is not something I say every time I meet someone new. It depends how it comes up. Generally by the time I mention it, it seems helpful to figure out potential interest.

Perhaps I do offer it too freely as I have learned from several discussions here. I am pretty open about who I am - in the right circles. While I am ok with that, I am learning it is not always necessary, nor is it everyone's business.

[kimdl93]

When I'm out, en femme, I don't feel the need to share any insights into my sexuality beyond the fact that I'm in a monogamous relationship. But it is such a deeply ingrained presumption that its common among people you'd think might know better. For example, one night some months ago, I was hanging out at a gay bar and got into a conversation about gender identity and sexuality with a lesbian and a couple of young gay guys. One of these guys found it hard to understand....really incomprehensible...how I could be transgendered but not gay. (he couldn't even accept "bi") The lesbian was more than willing to accept that I, to use her words, "...was a woman inside, that just happened to be sexually attracted to women".

[flatlander_48]

You know, it's always good to think well of our own tribe, but sometimes they don't have a clue either...


When I'm out, en femme, I don't feel the need to share any insights into my sexuality beyond the fact that I'm in a monogamous relationship. But it is such a deeply ingrained presumption that its common among people you'd think might know better. For example, one night some months ago, I was hanging out at a gay bar and got into a conversation about gender identity and sexuality with a lesbian and a couple of young gay guys. One of these guys found it hard to understand....really incomprehensible...how I could be transgendered but not gay. (he couldn't even accept "bi") The lesbian was more than willing to accept that I, to use her words, "...was a woman inside, that just happened to be sexually attracted to women".