Valerie Nova
02-17-2013, 04:55 PM
Anyone on who can change my forum name here? I know others have done it. Please? I guess to "Valerie Nova". Leave the last part of the name the same so people recognize me.
I came up with girls' names in the past to call myself, but only when asked for one in places like this one. They never seemed right though. I mean, your name isn't something that you give yourself. It's something that's always been a part of you, and there are few things more closely associated with your personality than your name. Just slapping one on made it seem too fake for my tastes. Like, you're playing a character, and it's not really you. (If you have no idea what I'm talking about, don't worry. The various ways that the yin and yang interact in my own mind means I barely understand me myself.)
When asked for a name, I'd usually say "Andrea", but that was always a kind of weak joke, playing on the fact that the Greek prefix andr- is usually associated with words referring to men or masculinity. I tried using other names, like girls' names that I kind of liked, but again, they felt too fake. The names I'd come up with, like "Julia" or "Diane" were always names I associated strongly with femininity, but even my feminine personality isn't really all that feminine, when I face the facts. They were always about something I wanted to be or was trying to be, not who I really was. Like the episode of the Simpsons where Homer names himself "Max Power". ("I got it off a hairdryer!")
I had just kind of assumed that I'd always feel that way, and that no female name would ever feel like it was really my name, and not just someone else's name that I gave myself. It doesn't help that there are no female counterparts to my real name, like Maria-Mario, Steven-Stephanie, or Carl-Carla. There are some that kind of could be, but I think they all sound really stupid.
But then I finally realized what name is totally appropriate to the way the feminine part of my personality feels. For some reason, I decided that the name "Valerie" seemed totally appropriate. I have no idea why. I don't particularly love this name, but then who out there really loves their given name? Just, that name seemed totally appropriate to the way I felt when I tried to express that feminine part of my personality, more than any other name I could think of. The only Valerie I ever knew was the obese sister of a friend, who during the time I knew her had started dating black men almost exclusively, because they would usually see her large size as a good thing, and would prefer her over girls like, say, Heidi Klum.
This is probably rationalization after the fact, but I do think there's a lesson for me from that other Valerie. See, there was something about her that her potential love interests viewed as a huge (pun intended) liability. Being an obese woman, and thereby considered unattractive by most of society, has a lot in common with being an effeminate guy. You're always trying to change who you are, but ultimately you like what you like, and expending so much energy on trying to live up to what society expects from you is very draining and can ultimately make your life not as fulfilling anymore. But this girl Valerie, she found a way to change her life and habits in a way that turned her rather large amount of body fat into an asset. And I guess there are advantages to being more feminine than most guys. I just have to figure out ways to take advantage of them, like the other Valerie did.
I'm going to try and lose a bunch of weight so I'm really skinny and grow my hair down to my shoulders, I think. A lot of girls like that skinny, androgynous, anime-guy look, I'm told. I just hope at some point I'll only need to express one personality, because that'll be all I need.
:)
I came up with girls' names in the past to call myself, but only when asked for one in places like this one. They never seemed right though. I mean, your name isn't something that you give yourself. It's something that's always been a part of you, and there are few things more closely associated with your personality than your name. Just slapping one on made it seem too fake for my tastes. Like, you're playing a character, and it's not really you. (If you have no idea what I'm talking about, don't worry. The various ways that the yin and yang interact in my own mind means I barely understand me myself.)
When asked for a name, I'd usually say "Andrea", but that was always a kind of weak joke, playing on the fact that the Greek prefix andr- is usually associated with words referring to men or masculinity. I tried using other names, like girls' names that I kind of liked, but again, they felt too fake. The names I'd come up with, like "Julia" or "Diane" were always names I associated strongly with femininity, but even my feminine personality isn't really all that feminine, when I face the facts. They were always about something I wanted to be or was trying to be, not who I really was. Like the episode of the Simpsons where Homer names himself "Max Power". ("I got it off a hairdryer!")
I had just kind of assumed that I'd always feel that way, and that no female name would ever feel like it was really my name, and not just someone else's name that I gave myself. It doesn't help that there are no female counterparts to my real name, like Maria-Mario, Steven-Stephanie, or Carl-Carla. There are some that kind of could be, but I think they all sound really stupid.
But then I finally realized what name is totally appropriate to the way the feminine part of my personality feels. For some reason, I decided that the name "Valerie" seemed totally appropriate. I have no idea why. I don't particularly love this name, but then who out there really loves their given name? Just, that name seemed totally appropriate to the way I felt when I tried to express that feminine part of my personality, more than any other name I could think of. The only Valerie I ever knew was the obese sister of a friend, who during the time I knew her had started dating black men almost exclusively, because they would usually see her large size as a good thing, and would prefer her over girls like, say, Heidi Klum.
This is probably rationalization after the fact, but I do think there's a lesson for me from that other Valerie. See, there was something about her that her potential love interests viewed as a huge (pun intended) liability. Being an obese woman, and thereby considered unattractive by most of society, has a lot in common with being an effeminate guy. You're always trying to change who you are, but ultimately you like what you like, and expending so much energy on trying to live up to what society expects from you is very draining and can ultimately make your life not as fulfilling anymore. But this girl Valerie, she found a way to change her life and habits in a way that turned her rather large amount of body fat into an asset. And I guess there are advantages to being more feminine than most guys. I just have to figure out ways to take advantage of them, like the other Valerie did.
I'm going to try and lose a bunch of weight so I'm really skinny and grow my hair down to my shoulders, I think. A lot of girls like that skinny, androgynous, anime-guy look, I'm told. I just hope at some point I'll only need to express one personality, because that'll be all I need.
:)