CDing Makes me Miserable Now

[SarahMarie42]

Every time I start to CD now, I want to claw my damned eyes out. I am not content with the result, and I feel like a clown. I wonder why I even do this when I fail so miserably to project an image which is even remotely feminine. Others have their reasons, but unless I achieve that goal, I feel like my endeavors are a waste of time. Correspondence on the forum has only exacerbated this issue. I know that most of you see me as a dumb, drab b***h, and I suppose that's fine, as it only confirms already present suspicions and provides me with some certainty as to my defects. I can do nothing but compare myself with those vastly superior to me, in all respects, endlessly -- until I feel absolutely worthless.

Can anyone tell me why I should even continue when I'm driven so absolutely crazy? Without any sympathetic white lies to attempt to boost my spirits?

[Jessica86]

Sure, I can do that! I think you look great! As far as continuing, it is part of who you are. We are all never completely happy with ourselves. There are always things we would change if given the chance, but the important part is that you are happy. There are supermodel females and model males. I don't know about you, but I know I will never be either. I am way too tall to ever be a female (presented) model, and my male mode is too skinny to be a model. We all can not be a hundred percent happy, or we would have nothing to work for. If you are driven crazy by it, why do you attempt it? It's important to you. Even more important, is accepting yourself. How to do that, I can not tell you. You just have to.

[PaulaQ]

I can do nothing but compare myself with those vastly superior to me, in all respects, endlessly -- until I feel absolutely worthless.

Can anyone tell me why I should even continue when I'm driven so absolutely crazy? Without any sympathetic white lies to attempt to boost my spirits?

... because I believe this is how GG feel much of the time. In otherwords, you would appear to be getting it.

The prettiest woman on earth still has insecurities. That's all you're feeling. Do this because it makes something inside of you feel alive.

[KiwiKate]

Sarah I'm sorry you are feeling that way,and I've been there myself feeling like a idiot with a stupid wig on.Unfortunately for some of us it's just a lot harder to achieve the illusion of femininity,not all of us can be the drop dead gorgeous girl we want to be.Having said all that I think you look cute.Go easy on yourself.Maybe just try and enjoy the feeling of being dressed as opposed to how you look.Hope you feel better.

[mmarmstrong]

I think PaulaQ made an excellent point...many GGs feel that exact way. I recently 'tried' to stop my desire to CD and after a battle, I realized I need and want to do this for how it makes me feel and because it's a part of me. That's my reason...you said you're reason is to achieve a great feminine image. I'd suggest you stop focusing so much on the whole package and pick one item at a time...be it your wardrobe, makeup, hair....good luck!

[Sally24]

There are always things to look at that you feel you are not.meeting your own standards. I am not immune to that either. You have to look at the positives. You are very young. You live in times where the technology and the laws are increasingly helpful to.us. Try to be more realistic in your expectations. I would also recommend trying to get some help with makeup or whatever from professionals. It can really help your confidence.

[Beverley Sims]

Sarah,
what has come unstuck, you present as a wonderful girl, has something upset you, we all have some image problems and most of them are in our mind.
I look at myself in the mirror and I am no longer the blond bombshell I thought I was at 20.
just have to sigh and get on with it.
When you gather your thoughts post them.

[SarahMarie42]

Sarah,
what has come unstuck, you present as a wonderful girl, has something upset you, we all have some image problems and most of them are in our mind.
I look at myself in the mirror and I am no longer the blond bombshell I thought I was at 20.
just have to sigh and get on with it.
When you gather your thoughts post them.

I couldn't quite tell you. :\

Every once in a while, I get a thought like this, and I latch onto it -- never fails to drag me down.

[Miriam-J]

I think you've finally made it to full femininity. I've never known a woman who was satisfied with her appearance ;-)

Seriously though ... I'm sure you've cycled back and forth in your feelings, as we all have. But the key is to accept yourself as you are, warts and all. Once we learn to disregard things that are beyond our control, we can find contentment. Relax and enjoy the beauty that you bring out. From what I can see of your avatar, you do wonderfully - especially when compared to this old goat.

Miriam

[FoxxxyBri]

So in sum, you are insecure and hate your body?

Sounds like a real girl to me. Congrats you've made it.

[KellyJameson]

Have you considered you may be having an identity crisis and are experiencing gender dysphoria?

One of the things that places you at risk is your high intelligence.

Not the contrived intelligence that a person presents to the world but the innate intelligence a person is born with that varies from individual to individual.

This intelligence as ability when combined with gender dysphoria will cause great mood instability.

I would strongly suggest you consider therapy with consideration for possible gender dysphoria.

[RenneB]

From my view point only about 10% of the people I see really care what they look like or what they wear let alone how they talk or conduct themselves in public....

So as I hear you, you are trying to look good and arn't satisfyed.... I can relate.... but I'm not in a position to help really.... find out what makes you happy.... and get good at that. For me it's the persuit of trying to look like a hot ol lady....

Renne...

[Anna Talyn]

Just my personal experience - I found that the further I explored the more was really beneath it all and I was no longer able to convince myself it was just a hobby, or thrill, or way to be unique.The clothes just do not fulfill what I deep down am seeking with this. It still goes up and down and isn't always like that. Hang in there. Self acceptance is the most important accessory you will ever obtain.

[SarahMarie42]

I assume it's mostly in my head :|

I am body dysmorphic after all, but even with the knowledge that I suffer from a disorder which causes me to severely distort my self-image, I still often suspect that the worst of my perceptions are accurate.

I'm not really concerned with being the most beautiful girl in the world -- I'm just concerned with being a girl, period.

[May(be)]

It's a really tough way to go being someone like us (CD/TG/ETC.) because there will always be nagging feelings of inadequacy. I realized that one day and had to either choose to accept it or go nuts and do something stupid. I've done a little of both at different times through this journey. That being said, I understood one day that there must be something to learn about happiness once you realize that you can NEVER be what it is you think will make you happy. There's a lesson to be learned from all of this about self-actualization and valuing yourself. I'm not all the way there, myself, so if you get there first send up a flare or something so I'll know which way to go.

[SarahMarie42]

Being feminine is what makes me happy -.-

Perhaps happiness is just resignation or self-deception? Who knows?

I do know that the only times I'm happy as a male are those times when I'm solving highly intricate intellectual problems -- toying around with general equilibrium models in economics, for example.

[Princess29]

I'm going through something similar Sarah, I don't know how to make sense of it all. Fighting or denying it isn't the way to go yet trying to embrace it isn't working at this time.
Good luck

[May(be)]

the only times I'm happy as a male are those times when I'm solving highly intricate intellectual problems -- toying around with general equilibrium models in economics, for example.

And you're worried that we see you as "a dumb, drab b***h"? Impossible! Those are some really cool interests that go wayyyy over my head, but interest me none-the-less.

I think the body image thing really is in your head. You look much prettier than you give yourself credit for. I've said that to you before, but you refuse to listen.

[SarahMarie42]

And you're worried that we see you as "a dumb, drab b***h"? Impossible! Those are some really cool interests that go wayyyy over my head, but interest me none-the-less.

I think the body image thing really is in your head. You look much prettier than you give yourself credit for. I've said that to you before, but you refuse to listen.

I know :|

But I really do have severe OCD, unfortunately, and, as you may know, OCD is most often alternately referred to as "the doubter's disease"

I can be assured that, whenever anything elicits from me a great deal of concern and interest, it will turn into a nightmarish maze of delusions.

This ranges from my academic pursuits, to my dating life, and all the way to my gender issues.

Since I've been so concerned with unlocking my gender identity as of late, I've almost forgotten that I do truly suffer from OCD, and that my worries really are just neurotic delusions.

[May(be)]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough night tonight with all of that. You just have to figure out a way to get out of your own echo-chamber.

[SarahMarie42]

Perhaps a little computational sociology would do the trick xP

Unless I start to worry about that too x]


Have you considered you may be having an identity crisis and are experiencing gender dysphoria?

And yes, I have considered that, and have also considered seeing a gender therapist.

[Ann Louise]

Hi Sarah - I'm an older girl, and I can understand about not being content with the results of your cross dressing. I had been dressing in secret for a long time, and openly for a much shorter time, but only recently have I come to understand that I'm transgender. As recommended by KellyJ above, I would suggest that you seek gender counsel, and particularly from a specialist that serves our trans* community, not simply a family therapist, or someone who deals with "sexual" matters.

I've been fortunate in having been turned on to a licensed clinical psychologist with a specialty in gender issues, and she is very familiar with "us." Her sessions are lighting the way for me to develop my own understanding of who I am, and that the person I am inside is not based on my clothes, hair, my makeup, my posture or my mannerisms. Those are important in feeling better about myself, sure, but nonetheless, are outward manifestations of who I really am inside this male body. I suggest that you consider the same approach.

Your local LGBT community, or that of the nearest big city near you, will likely have several resources on the net that can point you at a good counselor. Good luck and be strong dear, Elfin

[docrobbysherry]

U haven't mentioned anything specific that your're unhappy about. At first, I thot u meant your look. Now, I think u may mean something else. If it's nothing specific, I urge to see an experienced counselor to get some helpful, accurate feedback!

[SarahMarie42]

It was my look at first, but I think I only care so much because I so desire to be feminine :|

[Wildaboutheels]

Perhaps, because of the various pics and avatars here...

As well as all the "flawless" female faces [and bodies] adorning at least a dozen magazine covers at any given time at any grocery checkout...?

Even supermodels have their shortcomings. Images on magazines or websites may have little resemblance to REALITY.

And besides, there IS more to feminimity than just looks.

Isn't there?

[SarahMarie42]

Well. . . yes. Obviously, feminine qualities involve much more than one's appearance. However, I hate embodying masculinity in any way, shape, or form, AND have the whole BDD issue -- so I sometimes get unduly caught up in looks.

[Valerie Nova]

Every time I start to CD now, I want to claw my damned eyes out. I am not content with the result, and I feel like a clown. I wonder why I even do this when I fail so miserably to project an image which is even remotely feminine. Others have their reasons, but unless I achieve that goal, I feel like my endeavors are a waste of time. Correspondence on the forum has only exacerbated this issue. I know that most of you see me as a dumb, drab b***h, and I suppose that's fine, as it only confirms already present suspicions and provides me with some certainty as to my defects. I can do nothing but compare myself with those vastly superior to me, in all respects, endlessly -- until I feel absolutely worthless.

Can anyone tell me why I should even continue when I'm driven so absolutely crazy? Without any sympathetic white lies to attempt to boost my spirits?
I know exactly how you feel, because I used to feel the same way. I'd get so crazy obsessed with dressing up, then feel like an idiot when I saw myself in the mirror. But then I lost some weight, and started getting a better sense of what clothes would look good on me, and learned how to make flattering poses for a camera (my webcam on a software timer) and eventually it kind of all came together when I got to where I could do makeup well enough to get rid of that awful beard shadow. (and not look like a junior-high girl going out wearing makeup for the first time... practice makes perfect. Also, youtube videos)

I will admit that here there is a tendency to always compliment someone no matter how silly they look, but some of us really are more suited to this than others, at least in terms of physical attractiveness. And here's the thing, girls are the exact same way. You're probably feeling what "ugly" girls feel most of the time, and it's certainly no easier for them. I admit, I have some advantages when it comes to having a pretty face, that others that post here don't have. Yeah, it's supposed to be kind of an insult to call a guy "pretty" but I always felt secretly happy whenever someone said I was pretty. Or as one guy told me in an insulting way "slap a pair of tits and some long hair on you, and I'd think you were a girl". I couldn't contain my happiness after hearing that, for like a week. That was in high school, I think. Anyway, I also envy guys who are shorter that six feet tall and can wear a womens's size 9 shoe. (If only! So many world would be open to me!) Also, guys that can pull off a female voice, or that don't have much in the way of facial hair.

One thing that helped me was defining some goals to make myself prettier (ie, losing weight and getting better with makeup), then decided my objective was to look as good as possible in photos. Since there's often no useful size reference in photos, my height wasn't an issue, and neither was my shoe size (eBay makes that process a lot easier. So does Payless. Thanks for being so crossdresser-friendly, Payless Shies!) Also, I can do all the cherry-picking I want with massive numbers of digital photos, and if I use a low-res webcam, then some of the mistakes and flaws in my makeup are conveniently unable to be seen.

Personally, I think you're feeling all the same emotions that a girl would feel. Unfortunately, they're what an unattractive girl or a girl with body image problems would feel.

[SarahMarie42]

Yeah, maybe I should just keep my sh*t in line and stay a guy, huh? Most people think I'm handsome as a man -.-

I suppose that's what I'm going to take away from all of that, and I apologize -- for some reason it just made me feel worse. I tend to twist things.

[Amanda M]

It's sad, SarahMarie that you feel so torn and tormented. You will be aware that OCD, depression and suicidal ideation often form part of a package. I suspect too that you are something of a perfectionist in most things you do.

I really do recommend that you see a therapist, particularly one who has experience of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and who has experience of gender issues. You'll find it very useful to talk to someone who is not judgemental, who has no axe to grind and who can help you see the wood from the trees.

Best,
Amanda.

[SarahMarie42]

I don't actually think I will now. I think I'm just going to see how much further I can push it all down. I was feeling better earlier too, but now I just feel awful, and I have no idea why. So awful that I can't even sleep.

[Valerie Nova]

I don't actually think I will now. I think I'm just going to see how much further I can push it all down.
Haha, because that sometime works. At least our deviancy is more or less harmless. Imagine being only sexually attracted to children and having a really high sex drive. If God controls the circumstances we're born into, he sure likes to put some of us in awful situations. Both for the self-loathing pedophile and any kids nearby when his emotions finally take over.

If you're trying to get better at crossdressing, I could give you some advice, but I'm usually not that great at providing emotional support.

[SarahMarie42]

Nah. . . I think people skills will suit me somewhat better than makeup tips right now -.-


In fact, I think I'll just try to get this thread deleted. I was obviously wrong to attempt to seek help.

If I can't, I'll just beg to be left alone. I just had to open a whole can of worms, didn't I? I can't even find music or artwork to relate to. I can't even find anything which could possibly serve as some conduit for even marginal catharsis. I just want to break every object near me until I'm too tired to break anything more.

I suppose if any further useful comments can be made, that would be fine. I figured out how to filter out irrelevant responses.

[kimdl93]

Others have said this before, but its worth repeating. You say "CDing" MAKES you miserable. CDing is an action, like making a bowl of cereal or combing your hair. It can't MAKE you do anything. YOU are choosing to respond to your self assessment with this reaction.

There are more productive ways to approach this. First, remember than none of the members here began with all the skils necessary to acheive their ultimate goals - in terms of appearance or abilty to present as female. And like any other skill, it takes time, lots of time to become proficient. So allow yourself time and expect to make mistakes.

But, also you need to have realistic goals. There are lots of guitar players here, and many of them are quite proficient after years of practice and playing. But, I'm willing to bet that there are very few who can play like Eric Clapton. Does that mean they should give up? Hardly. You can take satisfaction from doing YOUR best.