Impatience

[Anne2345]

As I have written over the past couple of months, I have mostly been in a good place lately, and have been more or less at peace with myself.

Recently, however, I have begun to feel small, little nagging pangs of impatience slowly taking shape, growing, and swirling around in my gut.

Try that I might to ignore these nagging pangs, they are becoming increasingly more pronounced, and more difficult to brush off.

The thing is, I don’t know why I am beginning to feel impatient, or even what I am beginning to feel impatient about.

I want more. I know this already. I want much more, in fact.

But more what?

It’s important, whatever it is. And it is beginning to tax my patience . . . .

[Rachelakld]

Told my kids, "If I wanted patiences, I would have been a doctor"

[KellyJameson]

Have you been imagining a life of "what will it be like after" ?

[Silmaril]

"Slow and steady wins the race." Might it be a matter of finding ways to focus on the journey, not the destination?

[Ashley D.]

Good things take time,
I would love to wake up tomorrow and be where I will be in two years.
But I can't I will have to live day by day and take Chang as it comes.

[SamanthaC]

If this is just over being on the other side of the transition hill, then I'll repeat the advice from my therapist... One day at a time. So be kind to yourself, and try to have fun with it. :)

[stefan37]

As I mentioned to you in earlier posts patience is a trait you need to develop and embrace. We all want more and you do know what it is that is making you feel impatient. The problem is that it takes time. Facial hair removal in addition to being expensive is excruciatingly tedious and takes a very long time. Social interactions take time for those close to readjust to your changes.
Physical changes take way longer than the mental changes you have experienced so far, and you probably have anxiety about how this will affect your life. Stay strong and even if the progress you make is small as long as you keep the resolve to reach your goal you will attain it. Progress no matter how small is progress.

[LeaP]

...

Recently, however, I have begun to feel small, little nagging pangs of impatience slowly taking shape, growing, and swirling around in my gut.
...

I want more. I know this already. I want much more, in fact.

But more what?

...

Well, OK, maybe clocks don't go "tick tock" anymore. But it makes such a nice title.

Kathryn used a phrase once that resonates strongly in this context - taking hormones creates momentum toward transition. It's entirely true. HRT is a very strong step and statement about identity. It's a step in its own right - then packs the added punch of physical, mental, and emotional change. In a few cases, it is enough (see a recent example in Safe Haven). But it usually adds weight and steadiness to your progress where before it was a series of disconnected events and decisions.

Resist the momentum and it's like circling in an airplane. It gets old after a while.

You can relieve the impatience and let the momentum carry you without having *the* destination in mind - the step at a time approach - but I rather strongly feel that all roads lead to the same place anyway in this case.

I suspect that aside from the impatience with circling, your latest impatience is due to your recent outing. So the question is What Next?

[kimdl93]

Anne, it seems that if you're feeling impatient, you at least subconsciously are aware of something you want/need to do and feel that its almost within you grasp. Try to figure out what this might be....and do it!

[melissaK]

. . . you at least subconsciously are aware of something you want/need to do and feel that its almost within you grasp. Try to figure out what this might be....

Anne, Kimdl93 makes sense. Coincidentally I have been having pangs of impatience too.

I survived January somehow, with wife and household intact. Changed, but intact. It felt so good to come out and declare myself, and I really want a few months to revel in the moments of what its like to live free of anxiety. I have been busy doing the passive parts of transition planning (shopping for miracle hair loss cures - transplants and pharmacology solutions) and I took a self defense class I've wanted to take for a long time. I changed up my work routine, and took steps to change my connections in the legal community - I volunteered to judge a moot court competition for the ABA Regional and had a great time.

That should go on for months right? No. Not happening.

Sitting with a nice cup of coffee at the SB on the corner and it strikes me I am quite irritated my work clothes are still the wrong gender. That pang for the unfulfilled life has not been snuffed out by recent steps toward transition at all. It's still there. I wish it wan't, the past few weeks have been nice. More transition will lead to more conflict with my wife. More stress about planning the tasks ahead. I just wanted to drift without conflict for a while.

So let us know what you think is underlying the winter of your discontent.

[Kathryn Martin]

Creating your own road map for transition will cure you of impatience. I transitioned fully including surgery in 19 months. However, this was done after years of planning. You have to have your financial house in order, prepare for contingencies, know what is coming after, prepare for contingencies, write your coming out letters, prepare for contingencies, have plan A, B, C, D and E for transition and prepare for contingencies. Unless, of course, you are either very young or very slapdash in which case you just reduced your success prospects by over 60%.

As you proceed through planning, be prepared to move dates up or postpone, actual transition, move dates up or down, control your message, be incredibly discreet so you don't lose control of it.

You have neither time nor energy for impatience. And once you have your plan stick with it (except the date thing which is contingent on contingencies).

[Jorja]

Now let's see, where did I put that magic wand?

[Serana]

>.> Yeah where did you put it? I could really do with borrowing the thing right now.

And to be honest, impatient is really, really normal in my opinion. I can't think of a day in the last nearly two years I -haven't- thought about the surgery. It's a totally natural thing to do, to be honest. I mean, if I go a day without being a bit frustrated that I can't fall asleep and enter a magic timewarp and wake up on the other side of the operating table, (or a few weeks after that lol) then I think I'd consider myself not human.

Impatience on anything in life that you really really want is natural. Sadly, my saying this doesn't get rid of the feeling (or else I'd be saying that to a mirror 24/7).

At the end of it, you have to try and keep the feelings at bay as you go through your life and the changes get closer, and that's how it is. It kinda suck s, but it shouldn't stop someone from smiling, I always thought. :)

[FurPus63]

I can relate to this post/thread so much. Not a day goes by when I'm not imagining myself after surgery. Everything from waking up in those first moments and feeling the pain to "what's it going to feel like the first time I make love with a man?" I'm constantly thinking about it. I love being on HRT and all the changes going within (emotionally) and outside (physical changes). But still there's that little thing between my legs that reminds me constantly I'm quite there yet. So what do I do in the mean time? How do I go on like this if it takes longer than I want to get to surgery? So many questions. So many things to worry about. Yet I keep going on, moving forward, one day at a time. I keep telling myself, "everything will work out," and remembering the fact that so far, it has!

So when we are feeling inpatient. I think it's best to "vent" it here or to someone in our support group (or social circle of TS friends) and keep a positive attitude. It's really the only answer. Anything else will and can lead to depression and we don't want that. Do we?

Paulette