What's with the therapy/counseling?

[Jessica86]

Just a question. I don't get the point of seeing a counselor/therapist. I understand if you are TS and planning on transition, but why are so many of us seeking counseling? For starters, most of the time, people "shop" for one who is gender friendly.....isn't that just picking somebody until you hear what you want to hear?

Therapists are paid. Counselors are paid. They are going to say things to make you feel good so that you keep coming back, unless they are conservative and do not want to talk to us anyway. I'll say it once, and I'll say it again. A person you PAY will NEVER tell you the truth. They will tell you what you want to hear. If you wanted real counseling, you should come here. Counseling in the form of experience from wise members who have traveled all paths of our journey. I have spoken with many counselors. NONE have given me half of the help that the members on here have. This is why most like to focus on "confidence." That is something ANYBODY can improve on. How is it helping someone special....like us?

This is not meant to hurt anyone. Those who choose to take the route....go ahead. I went to marriage counseling.....in my first marriage....which ended in divorce. In my opinion, it's a waste of time. If you are married, you already have someone to talk to about your problems. Whether they listen or not, you should at least attempt it.

[whowhatwhen]

So far most of the negative therapist stories I've read here have been the result of bad therapists who aren't qualified to handle TG issues.
The community can be a great help, but some issues they are simply not qualified to handle or it might not be able to handle the needs of some people.

I'm whiny enough here, could you imagine the inane post output if I had no one else to talk to?
:)

Also, if and when I need to start HRT I would need my therapist to give the OK.

[AllieSF]

I hear you but do not agree with you. So, what you are saying is that anyone you pay you should not trust because you will not get what you pay for. Is that correct? If so, why trust a cop, a politician, a doctor, a repairman and anyone else who we pay to provide a service. Yes, there are some who may play the game to keep you coming back. However, most, and I mean the vast majority, are true professionals who want to help, who have studied hard to earn their qualifications and who will probably not be successful in their chosen field if they just continually feed back what their clients want to hear. A lot of therapists clients come from word of mouth, and patients who get results that last and work have no reason to promote a non-professional. I have had couples therapy and little personal therapy after a very important relationship came to an end, and they helped. They did not tell me what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear, and they helped me deal with my problems at that moment. I am not saying that all therapists are good or will work for a particular individual. But, a good counselor can really help those that want the help and are open to revealing their true beliefs and feeling to a third party. One can only get something out of counseling/therapy if one wants to and is willing to be open and honest and not continually doubting the therapists worth. They are not there to resolve your issues, that is the patient's job. They are there to assist the patient to look at the issue from different sides and try different actions or thought processes to see what works for them. If a therapist is not working, then a change is in order. No one benefits from therapy if they go into it with a bad attitude toward counseling. It is doomed to failure from the start.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

They provide a service so of course they will be paid, just like doctors, barbers, , lawyers, car insurance companies, car repair companies, etc. Of course there is shopping for the right one involved same as with all paid services. It's a personal thing involved if one seeks therapy, regardless of what it's for. I've been seeing the same therapist for years, and it is money well spent. It's helped me to become more self confident, and help a lot in dealing with my "gender issues" which is no small task. There was a bit of shopping around until I found the right one.

I used to be in the camp of why see a therapist, who needs one, it's a waist of money and time. I took the usual attitude of "I can handle this myself, I'm tough, don't need no help, I've gotten through so many problems in my life without a therapist, what's the point in starting now?"

Seeing the therapist was far more successful, and did far more benefit than buying self help books, keeping it all inside, causing my wife to become depressed listening to my problems (gender and non-gender related). In the end a therapist helps because you have a trusted outside source to listen to whatever problems life throws at you. Someone who does provide a shoulder to cry on, self esteem, etc to help avoid one from becoming "the somber, depressing friend, relative, that no one want's to be around because they always have a black cloud over them.":2c:

[suzy1]

I have to say I do agree with you up to a point.

Generally speaking, here in the U.K. people do not use counsellors. It seems to me [and I could be wrong] that using counsellors is far more popular in the U.S.

Also I feel that we should be able to sort our own problems out although sometimes it helps to talk to a close friend, family member or as you say Jessica, coming here.

But we are all different, I would not go to a counsellor, or need to get counselling ever! I am not boasting here I just know me [And I have been through some hard times]
To walk into an office and start to talk about my personal problems to a stranger is unthinkable.

However some people seem to need help from them and if that works for them then that can’t be bad.

[Kate Simmons]

When I went to a therapist, it was because the communication between myself and my wife had broken down. She just did not plain want to discuss anything about my feminine side. That being the case, the reason I went to therapy was to get ideas on how to deal with family members and others who had a problem with what I did. I, myself, was fine with it and I already knew who I was. They are basically good listeners and sounding boards and a good one will tell you right up front that you have to make any and all decisions yourself. In essence, my "people skills" were enhanced by doing this, so I considered it a good investment in the long run. Just another experience I made work for me.:)

[kimdl93]

Therapists are paid. Counselors are paid. They are going to say things to make you feel good so that you keep coming back, unless they are conservative and do not want to talk to us anyway. I'll say it once, and I'll say it again. A person you PAY will NEVER tell you the truth.

This is simplistic and simply not true. Psychologists, psychiatrists and Licensed Clinical Social Workers are indeed paid professionals, but don't for a moment believe that their job is "to say things that make you feel good." There job is to help their patients recognize and deal with problems in a realistic and constructive manner.

People often go to therapists expecting magic in the form of comforting words or a prescription. But the problems we face as human beings are often the result of faulty and self-deceiving thinking, false assumptions, and deeply ingrained but false beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. Marriages fail for a wide variety of reasons. People, especially young people, rush into marriages propelled by their hormones. When the thrill is gone, they begin to realize that they are incompatible. Others people simply grow apart. A marriage counselor may help some couples improve communications, and in some cases that may help preserve a relationship, but its no guarantee and I doubt that any marriage counselor will ever suggest otherwise.

Talking doesn't always work because we fail to communicate effectively. Often, our attempts at communication with a partner are so flawed - either by our own ability to communicate or the partners ability to actually hear what's being said, that we can't resolve a problem or reach an understanding. A counselor can help improve that communication process.

[I Am Paula]

Also, if and when I need to start HRT I would need my therapist to give the OK.

Canadian Doctors are under no obligation to demand a therapists/psychiatrist referral/OK. Most just choose to go that route to avoid liability issues. Find an Asian Doctor. My endo says they understand TG issues much better, and if you show that you are A) Sincere, and well informed B) Not obviously mentally defective C) Consistantly present female, you should have no problem.
I see an endo about hyperthyroid, so this information was given because I present female, and the subject always comes up. Hence, I have not actually GOTTEN hormones in Canada. Just thought I would pass this along.-Celeste

[melissakozak]

My TG counselor helped guide me in identifying what my needs are, coming out (again), dealing with personal relationships, etc. She has been invaluable in allowing me to explore my feelings in an unbiased manner. Navigating a bigendered life is not easy, and there are competing problems with regard to how much physical changes I do to my body, etc. I primarily exist in boy mode at work and with family. Making sure my needs get met, and taking care of my family at the same time has not been easy. Who do I come out to? The list goes on and on and on....a gender counselor can help someone sort a lot of feelings out....

[BillieJoEllen]

I myself have had some terrible experiences with cousellors. I had to see a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because of some CDing trouble I got into. He then referred me to a psychologist I had to see for about two years. Not once was my CDing mentioned. Forward to the mid 80s. My wife knew I was TS and a CDer before marriage. Fifteen years later she no longer wanted me to have anything to do with it. She went to a counsellor in a different city. He told her everything that she wanted to hear (see Jessica86's post above). She wanted to have me 'cured' of this terrible thing that I do. He recommended we see these two psychologists in yet another different city. We had an entrance interview with one of them. From then on we each had different counselors. That lasted about two years. My CDing was NEVER brought up by my counselor. We talked sports and a whole range of other topics but not CDing. When he found out I lost my job he claimed he could not do anything further for me (which was fine with me). Same went for the 'other' doctor. I believe I lost my job because the insurance company complained about my use of insurance for this reason. It happened all the time where I worked although the company always cited different reasons for firing someone. There were some very good employees released because of 'excessive' use of insurance benefits.

I agree with just about everything Jessica said above.

[whowhatwhen]

Canadian Doctors are under no obligation to demand a therapists/psychiatrist referral/OK. Most just choose to go that route to avoid liability issues. Find an Asian Doctor. My endo says they understand TG issues much better, and if you show that you are A) Sincere, and well informed B) Not obviously mentally defective C) Consistantly present female, you should have no problem.
I see an endo about hyperthyroid, so this information was given because I present female, and the subject always comes up. Hence, I have not actually GOTTEN hormones in Canada. Just thought I would pass this along.-Celeste

I had no idea, good to know.
:)


In the end a therapist helps because you have a trusted outside source to listen to whatever problems life throws at you. Someone who does provide a shoulder to cry on, self esteem, etc to help avoid one from becoming "the somber, depressing friend, relative, that no one want's to be around because they always have a black cloud over them.":2c:

However, this is one of the biggest things for me anyway.
I couldn't imagine unloading some of the depressing crap swirling around in my head upon friends and family.

They aren't capable of helping me and it would be ridiculously unfair to dump such complex problems on them.

[Nikki Rich]

I've just started seeing my second counselor ( 4 times so far ) my first one which was supposedly a transgender one didn't help at all , my new one which told me up front she had no experience with crossdressing told me up front she would love to help me with my issues. I don't believe you have to see a specialist in this field in order for them to help , a lot of my problem is the shame and guilt that I carry from a childhood experience with crossdressing. This is what she's helping me work through. Said shame and guilt is causing a lot of problems with myself and my wife.

[Beverley Sims]

I view counseling similar to you Jessica, I make up my own mind and try to get on with it.
In your profession I would assume you are told, that's bad luck for them but grasp the situation and move on quickly.
You can not dwell on what might be.
Some people do need help and I have posted a more comprehensive version of why and why not as far as counseling goes.
When I find the thread I will post the link.

[Elirra]

The last counselor I had didn't have much to say about crossdressing other than he thought it was a lot more acceptable in today's world. He did however have some great advice for following up on some medical symptoms I thought were contributing to my crossdressing tendencies.

As I posted recently in another post, I had all the symptoms of a sexual chromosomal disorder called Klinefelter's syndrome. My insurance company wouldn't pay for the final test(s) needed to confirm the diagnosis so my counselor suggested a local research center (UCLA) that would possibly do the testing for free for scientific purposes. He was right. A doctor I found there decided it was ridiculous that I didn't have a final conclusion with this and ended up giving me close to $4,000 worth of testing...for FREE! Proving that I did in fact have a condition called Klinefelter's Mosaic syndrome (an extra female X chromosome in my body).

The counselor truly had my bests interest in my mind and helped me to do what I didn't think of on my own. Isn't that why someone goes to a therapist in the first place, to offer a different perspective to help you get out of yourself and think outside the box?

Everyone will certainly have different experiences but I think it's safe to say that you will never know until you try.

My two cents.

Cheers,

Elirra

[Jenniferathome]

The point of any third party is to elicit conversation and ideas which the client(s) can't seem to engage or confront. It is also a way to keep the emotions in check while having difficult conversations.

If you have someone with whom you can have open, objective discussion, then you don't need a third party.

[NicoleScott]

If you wanted real counseling, you should come here. Counseling in the form of experience from wise members who have traveled all paths of our journey.

Our experiences are different. Our drives to crossdress are different. The decisions we have made are different. And the "advice" we give to inquiring members are different. How are members, after viewing a few posts, going to advise? Sorry, but your advice (to come here for advice) is bad advice.

[mikiSJ]

I was raped when I was 15 and suppressed the hurt, anger, embarrassment of that "experience" for over 50 years. I started seeing a therapist three months ago and while she has not "cured" me of anything; she has been the cathartic I needed for oh so long.

I crossdress, not because I was raped, but it is a part of me that I get to explore in a very safe and comfortable environment. I can imagine myself being a much different person, a much better more rounded personality if I had been able to confront my demon early on. She has helped me investigate the depression that has held me back, and to acknowledge that it was not me that was the cause of being abused and that I need not fear exposure any longer. She is the surrogate for that part of my wife I cannot talk to.

She IS worthwhile and I hope the psychiatrist she has referred, and who I am seeing tomorrow morn, can give me the pharmaceuticals I need to get rid of this elephant on my chest called depression.

Jessica, I am sorry your first experience with therapy had no benefit for you. I do think you need to analyze why you are so down on something that many of us here reap great rewards from.

[kellycan27]

Don't forget that men don't like having to ask for directions ::heehee:

[katlee]

I originally talked to my doctor regarding depression and perhaps being bipolar. I went to group, depression class and one on one. I sometimes will get nervous breakdowns and I am realizing that I use Kat mode as an escape persona from when I am dealing with something really stressful in male mode. I really like my therapy sessions as they help me keep functioning. I have Kaiser so a ten dollar copay is great to make me feel better about myself.

[Stephanie47]

Jessica, I think counseling may be a good thing or a bad thing----depending on why one is going. I would never to to counseling to "undo" my cross dressing desires. The biggest hurdle was really trying to explain to myself that it was OK to feel and express some of my emotions. If I were to go to counseling with my wife, it would be for HER to understand me and accept what I am doing. Somehow tooooo many women think the cross dressing has to do with some deficiency THEY have. My wife thought she was sexy enough to cure any ill conceived notions SHE has. It finally sunk in with plain talk that the cross dressing has absolutely nothing to do with HER. It's me.

On the flip side I do go to individual and group counseling for the long lasting effects of plodding through the jungles of Nam and wasting people and trying to keep alive. THAT has interfered with my life. In comparison cross dressing issues are a walk in the park. And, donning that dress has been a lot more therapeutic than anyone knows.

Sure, there are many postings of cross dressers seeking a therapist who will validate their feelings. But, what does one expect?? Go to a therapist who will put you on the psychological rack and beat the urge out of you?

[giuseppina]

...She IS worthwhile and I hope the psychiatrist she has referred, and who I am seeing tomorrow morn, can give me the pharmaceuticals I need to get rid of this elephant on my chest called depression.

Hello Mikiarata

Antidepressants may elevate your mood, but, unfortunately, they do nothing to combat the negative thought patterns that go with depression. That is something you have to deal with yourself with the help of your psychiatrist and therapist, and it takes a lot of work. I've been there.

Good luck.

[mikiSJ]

it takes a lot of work

I am up to it. The alternative is a bummer!