Transition Decisions and Hormones

[LeaP]

For those who have already transitioned, are actively in transition, or have decided to transition – did you make that decision before or after you started hormones? And if it was after you started, to what extent did the hormones influence your decision?

This is partly curiosity as to incidence, the thought triggered by someone opting not to transition after starting HRT, as well as posts by those on hormones who do not comment on how hormones influenced transition plans.

It's also due to my own feelings changing after starting.

Seven months into HRT, I'm clearheaded about many things, including gender. Still, I have yet to make a decision. Part of that is fear (what else is new?). Part of that is anguishing over what I can and cannot live with. The hormones have definitely helped with clarifying my thinking in this regard, as I am better able to track down some things attributable to gender – and consequently to problems through my life. On the positive side there is confirmation, calm, even a few surprises. I've spoken before about how strongly my inner perception of myself has reverted to that of my childhood. That is 100% attributable to hormones and is one of the major positives I've experienced since starting. But lately, what comes with that is also re-experiencing some of the hypersensitivity I had as a child, and had brutally suppressed starting in adolescence. It does feed the fear and it does make me wonder about my ability to survive transition. There are many such things, large and small, that make me reflect on transition. Some of them I was aware of, in one way or another, prior to hormones and some I was not. One major difference, however, is how I now perceive them primarily in emotional terms, though the term badly misstates the depth and significance of how it feels.

I offer these few details not as things to solicit advice and commentary, but as illustrations of the way that hormones can change thinking and decision-making regarding transition.

So again, when did you make your decision and how (or did) did hormones influence that decision?

[Laurie Ann]

Lea,

I knew before HRT that transition was important to me to be congruent with my true gender. Hormones did not effect that choice at all I am who I am and to be that way to survive.

[sandra-leigh]

Transition is non-linear and parts of it are not always decisions as such (other than the decision to keep facing the world.) Parts of it are not always even conscious.

For example, I did not, earlier on, make a conscious decision to socialize in a more female role: I just went out into the world in a more female role because I had to, and socialization followed. And that was happening even before I started going to therapy (of any kind.)

I had already come out to my mother and sister as being transgender before I started HRT. Still, I did not start HRT to further transition: I started HRT because I was miserable with depression and gender dysphoria, and I had the hope that HRT would help. Which it did. I'm not saying that HRT cured my depression, because it didn't: my depression is complex and many-faceted, and the HRT helped part of it.

With the mental relief that HRT has provided to me, there is a lot more... space... for me to think about further transition, such as changing name or applying to jobs as non-male. The mental relief is like being (mostly) stopped on a hill instead of barely staying upright as one skids down out of control. Forward or back or hunker down? And I don't see how I can go back.

But in the meantime, transition still goes on undirected. Things that used to be daring or a form of "challenge" against society, such as wearing skirts or dresses nearly everywhere, are now simply what is normal and proper for me.

[Rianna Humble]

I am actively in transition. Because of circumstances beyond my control I was already about 17 months into my RLE before I got the opportunity to start hormones.

I have never commented upon how hormones influenced my transition plans for one very good reason - they didn't.

They are definitely one of the aspects of my transition and I can recognise some of the aspects you mention - in particular clarity and calm - but they are neither the be-all and end-all of my desire for congruence nor are they a determining factor in how far or how fast I proceed along this path.

[arbon]

I made the decision to transition prior to starting HRT. When I made the decision I moved pretty quickly to starting hormones but I was trying to be open to the possibility that hrt would be enough, that it would make things more bearable so I would not feel the need to go further - but it didn't.

[Badtranny]

It never occurred to me that HRT could happen independent of transition. I decided to do it, then I did it and HRT was just another thing that had to be done to get me to the other side of physical and social transition.

I would have never taken hormones unless I was going all the way. If I was going to continue living as a man, then I have no idea what HRT could do for me.

[Nigella]

My transition began when I began to dress 24/7, but in reality I was not, I was presenting in my true gender. It was another 3 years before my GD kicked in, at that point I sought medical/professional intervention. It was another year before I was prescribed hormones. So to answer the question, HRT only confirmed my transition, it was not a part of the process of transitioning at the start of my journey.

[kellycan27]

Prior for me... I began living full time @ age 20 and didn't start HRT until I was 23 almost 24. I knew where I wanted to go. My self imposed... almost 4 year RLE was more by circumstance than by design. I was in college and working full time and trying to save money. I did have help with tuition and books, but food, apartment, insurance, and gas was all on me. My life consisted of work, school and a few hours of sleep per night.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

... i was in therapy 2 years+ ..the whole time i'm sure i knew i was doomed to transition...but i went to fight the good fight...
so its hard to say whether i decided to transition before or after HRT...it was as sandra says non linear...

...i will say that as i started HRT the idea that i would not transition didn't occur to me anymore...HRT did feel like the start of something, and it just went faster and faster...the early HRT days are a fog of emotions..sobbing, wailing, gnashing of teeth, pity parties... i think part of it was the new feelings you mention in the OP, and part of it was the enormity and finality of my decision sinking in...

as socially trained genetic males, its a pretty fricking cruel trick to be turned into a highly vulnerable teenage girl at a time when being smart and thoughtful is more important than any time in your life...

[KellyJameson]

Even though I submerged myself into the LGBT world and particularly the world of T in every form starting in my teens I never related to anyone else so could not find understanding of myself through learning about others like me because there are no others like me.

For myself I believed that my mental state was created purely by environment and I could not accept that I was born this way so if it was created by environment I could uncreate what was created so in essence fix myself by fixing the mistakes of my childhood.

I was living with this thing inside me that could not be fixed even though psychologically I was becoming healthier by addressing abandonment, neglect and attachment issues.

Therapy did not cure the gender dysphoria, it made it worse by removing the layers of psychosis and healing the wounds of childhood so than exposing the dysphoria under it.

I reached a point where what I am became inexplicable psychologically as something created by environment. There were no more layers to peel off leaving behind the raw primitive experience of gender dysphoria which I think of as my "core craziness" that all my craziness was born from or touched by.

It was that thing that must have been there from the beginning so not created by environment.

I pursued degrees in psychology to understand myself and to heal along with the desire to help others, never once believing someone could be born in the wrong body.

I absolutely refused to accept that there was a possibility that someone could be born wrong sexed and that the concept of gender existed. I did not believe in the concept of gender.

I believed transsexuality was a mental illness brought about by trauma suffered in childhood because everyone I was meeting was emotionally unstable just like me and usually there was evidence of dysfuction in their childhoods so my conclusions were supported.

While all of this was happening I was not living as a man or a woman but something inbetween where my body was in this tug of war between two opposing sides pulling it back and forth which I blamed on childhood experiences so changing my body must be an act of self hate even though I did not feel this hate,rage or anger but only anxiety.

My hair has always been worn long and I had what little body and facial hair removed but never with the conscious understanding that I was trying to look like a woman but just what felt "normal"

My subconscious outed me to the world while my conscious refused to see that I had been outed so it is no wonder people around me thought I was mentally unbalanced.

The concept of gender was completely foreign to me and even now I have no understanding of it and will never understand what others mean when they say they are women or men.

For me transitioning was nothing more than trying to put to rest the feeling of being crazy so was an act of capitulation done in exhaustion

For me there is no joy, excitement but just simple relief of no longer being tormented. I wanted to be able to finally breathe easily and feel my body empty of anxiety for once.

I never experienced that intense hate of maleness but only the realization that this maleness was killing me without calling it maleness or understanding the body dysphoria as gender dysphoria.

I was never filled with that loathing of the male that I see in so many transsexuals but only the absence of connection with my body where I lived inside it and enjoyed it but yet was estranged from it so lived with the slight sensation of always having an out of body experience.

Transitioning was the final solution after nothing else worked because I could no longer find anything else psychologically that could be fixed that would account for the experience.

My subconscious pushed me to consciously confront myself.

I had no interest in being a woman because I identified as a woman because I DO NOT and even to this day the idea sounds ludicrous when I apply it to myself.

I do not consciously see myself as a woman but the world and my subconscious does, for me I am just being "me"

Transitioning was an act of capitulation to others who could only relate to me as a woman when they were in my physical presence and that center of my brain, that place that was there first that cannot accept as normal the body it was housed in so relentlessly kept trying to change it.

I tried to ignore the whole thing and hoped it would go away by itself or would try to "think" myself out of the problem or "will" myself to ignore the problem.

I have never lived without that hypersensitivity you mention and with this comes at least for me incedible anxiety but the anxiety lessened with every change I made to my body.

My endocrine system has always been a mess so I have always had that hypersensitivity you talk about along with the intense anxiety.

I have been around woman during a pregnancy and they act remarkably similar to how I have lived my whole life. Very intense, moody and psychologically fragile but yet I never use violence or aggression against others.

For me gender dysphoria is like being pregnant as I would imagine being pregnant is like based on what I have seen.

It is as much a physical experience as psychological.

It is possible your mind will accept your body as it is and you will be able to live comfortably or like me you will live between that fear that comes with the hypersensitivity and the need to change the body as a desire that comes from the same place as that hypersensitivity.

For me that hypersensitivity is the very expression of the female brain structure in the male body.

It is a unique capacity of the transsexual brain

I hope you can avoid that experience because it makes you very indecisive and part of the torment is in this indecisiveness which is not only highly destracting but exhausting.

[melissaK]

This is a cut n paste of my post from Safe Haven this am.
------
FWIW, I started my transition all bassackwards. I didn't really want to be out and transition openly and risk job and family, so I started with the least obvious elements. I started with HRT in 2005.

I did low dose Estrogen only. It actually worked at lowering my GD!!

Then a year or so later GD was recurring at a too frequent rate and I used a bigger dose. It worked!! Life was bearable.

Then a few years later GD was recurring again and I added Spirotone and GD went away!! I grew B cups too. It upset my wife A LOT.

And GD came back!! WHAT???

I concluded HRT alone was not enough transition. At least for me. I was desperately tired of looking like a guy and it was time to do the harder part of transitioning - looking and presenting as a woman.

And that, for what it is worth, is how I got to where I am 8 years later.

Enjoy the GD free days. They feel soooo good. You can actually think, and feel, and smile.

[LeaP]

... For me gender dysphoria is like being pregnant as I would imagine being pregnant is like based on what I have seen.

It is as much a physical experience as psychological.

It is possible your mind will accept your body as it is and you will be able to live comfortably or like me you will live between that fear that comes with the hypersensitivity and the need to change the body as a desire that comes from the same place as that hypersensitivity.

For me that hypersensitivity is the very expression of the female brain structure in the male body.

...

I hope you can avoid that experience because it makes you very indecisive and part of the torment is in this indecisiveness which is not only highly destracting but exhausting.

You make a few interesting points here, Kelly. One that I experience myself is the physicality of this. I've never heard it compared to pregnancy – that's novel - but this whole aspect of being more present, this feeling of inhabiting my body differently, is indeed very physical. When I feel things now, it isn't a detached emotionalism that can be analyzed and treated like a thing unto itself. I'm struggling with a phrase to convey the sense of this … The best I can do is that I experience my emotions physically somehow as opposed to the past, where it was more like thinking what I felt.

One result is a hit to my decisiveness. Interestingly, I have had some some PMs on this point.

Your comments on hypersensitivity and fear express what I'm feeling quite accurately. I don't know about it being characteristic of a female brain in a male body, however. It doesn't seem that everyone suffers from this in this way. I do know that the renewal of this very, very old posture of fear from hypersensitivity and the physical dysphoria are wrapped up in one another. It is a factor in the indecisiveness and feels like it could be one of the keys to understanding what drove me within myself in adolescence.



...

as socially trained genetic males, its a pretty fricking cruel trick to be turned into a highly vulnerable teenage girl at a time when being smart and thoughtful is more important than any time in your life...

I don't know if this is funny or sad, Kaitlyn. Probably both. I don't think I've ever said this on the forum, but I certainly have in PMs and in therapy. And that's there are times when I feel like a 12-year-old girl. A cruel trick indeed.

[stefan37]

It was not long after I started therapy my therapist suggested I try hormones. He suggested i start facial hair removal as soon as possible. I made an appointment the next day and after the first session I felt a calmness I had not experienced in a long time
although she only cleared about an 2x2 inch section. It was not about the time I felt that transition would be in my best long term interest. I started Hormones approx 6 months after my first electro session and immediately my anxiety melted away. I experienced the mental relief so often talked about. I knew then I was making the right decision to transition. I know in my heart it is right for me in that everytime I come to a fork in the road when I take the fork towards transition I feel more comfortable. I can not deny the positive changes I have experienced by my changing mental and physical states. At times like I do now I feel as if I am stalled , but I know I am making small progress and the reinforces my resolve to achieve the goals I have determined to be in my best interest.

[KellyJameson]

One of the things that helped me was learning about the sexually dysmorphic differences between the female and male brain.

Once I stopped thinking about gender identity and the physical body but only the biological differences to the human brain to separate the sexes purely for the act of procreation than things started to make sense.

When I looked at my life and thought about the problems a female brained person would have if they were transfered into a male body all of the unanswerable questions and problems immediately made sense.

My subconscious understood the problem and was seeking a solution to this problem my whole life without me consciously understanding that this was what my subconscious was trying to do leaving me feel like I was crazy.

I was always intensely interested in metamorphosis of any kind but particularly men presenting as women or becoming women and any hollywood movie that showed this I would become obsessed with.

Consciously I thought it was just entertainment but there was a deeper attraction and need that I consciously refused to recognize and this need made me feel fear so I refused to understand this need and pushed it from my mind.

It was the same reason I was attracted to transvestites for understanding.I always had a double motive for everything I was doing.

People who are left handed have a much higher incidence of gender dysphoria and I'm left handed.

People who have anomalous hemispheric dominance also show higher levels of gender dysphoria which I also have.

I can give you a long list of physical attributes that I have represented by physical and psychological behavior including how my senses work similar to women and not men so it also touches the nervous system.

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that my gender dysphoria was created biologically but I just do not call it gender dysphoria because I do not want to intellectualize a physical experience.

The structure of my brain causes the gender dysphoria because my brain cannot create an identity so adopted a second hand identity of those who I experienced as being most similar to me which of course is hands down women.

I have never ever met a man like me and I doubt I ever will and if I do that person would have to be transsexual, it would be impossible for it to be any other way.

I do not mirror many transsexuals and have little in comon with most of them but every once in a while I meet myself in another and everytime they have been a fully transitioned transsexual.

In real life I'm friends with five and their psychological profiles and life experiences are all eerily similar yet childhood experiences are completely different.

For me its the brain and the nervous system and changing the body is the solution.

Men and women now see what they experience so they are not conflicted and my own mind has gone quiet for the first time in my life.

[Kathryn Martin]

I would have never taken hormones unless I was going all the way. If I was going to continue living as a man, then I have no idea what HRT could do for me.

I could not agree more.

[melissaK]

I think I want to state a minority view here.

Starting HRT with no other transition plans can do you some good.

I think it did me a lot of good. I was a nightmare of issues in 2005 and abject fear of complete transition combined with the unrelenting desire to transition, something I had seriously looked into in 1992, split my mind and personality. Nonetheless starting HRT gave me time I wanted and that I needed to come to terms with myself. I would have preferred I had gotten into counselling "before" I split up, but it didn't work out that way for me.

Starting HRT controlled my GD (gender dysphoria) to my long term advantage. I kept a high paying job, and actually the post HRT stability I felt let me take harder jobs and double my income. It also let me keep a complicated blended family together and firm up relationships between us all - something none of us regret, including my wife.

Was I prepared to go all the way in 2005? No.
Did I harbor an inner sense that I was doomed to a complete transition (a la Kaitlyn's comment up thread)? Yes. I've harbored that inner sense since I was 13. I still harbor it.

My experience is HRT is a part of what I think transition is for me. Did I run the steps out of order?? Maybe. But that's only if you buy into the premise that the steps have a predefined order. I didn't buy into that then, and I still don't.

Am I done transitioning? No. The jury might still be out on me. Then again what is a successful transition? Who's yardstick do we use???

And I'll close this by saying what we all have said here - each of us has their own path to follow.

[Frances]

I would have never taken hormones unless I was going all the way. If I was going to continue living as a man, then I have no idea what HRT could do for me.

Same here. I even started hair removal two years before HRT. Once I committed to transition, everything else was a step towards it. I even ended a long-term relationship. There was not going to be any pussyfooting and bargaining with others (or myself). HRT was not needed to confirm anything; it was already settled in my mind. That said, everything about HRT felt right, including what some perceive as negatives, such as the reduction of libido.

[Jorja]

For me the decision was made well before HRT. I had been living as a woman for about a year at that time and had started hair removal even before starting to live as a woman. As a few have said, I knew where I wanted to go. It was just a matter of getting all my ducks in a row.

[Katelyn B]

Seems I'm going to echo quite a few people here.

I knew I needed to transition, so I did,

I started hair removal before living "full time in role"

I was full time (yes, including work, family etc) for 6 months before starting HRT

So hormones had no effect on my decision to transition or not. I came to the conclusion I needed to "do it", and just went and did it, taking it one step at a time. Talking to the therapist before getting the all important prescription, she made a pleasing observation, saying "you've already found your identity as a woman, hormones for you are just the cherry on top".

[Nicole Brown]

This is a very timely topic for me as I just returned form a visit with my endocrinologist on Wednesday where I was told that she was going to prescribe hormones for me. My transition however, to my way of thinking, began some time ago.

I have been seeing my therapist for GD for over two years and he has already provided me with a letter indicating my being diagnosed with GD and his recommended treatment of HRT. He has also completed the necessary forms which allow me to change the gender ID on my drivers license.

I began laser facial hair removal 16 months ago and have been having weekly electrolysis sessions for the past 6 months. My hair is nearly down to my shoulders and I am anxiously awaiting the day when I can leave the wig at home and just go out in my natural hair. I will be moving into my new condo in the May/June time frame at which time I will begin living as Nicole full time.

I have interviewed 6 plastic surgeons for my FFS and have finally decided on which one will do this work for me. My plans are to have FFS done in the 4th quarter of 2013, after I have settled in my new place. Bottom surgery will come in the second half of 2014 when I have completed my RLE.

So I guess you I can safely say that my transition began well before I began HRT.

[Anne2345]

I would have never taken hormones unless I was going all the way. If I was going to continue living as a man, then I have no idea what HRT could do for me.

I am intrigued by the above-referenced comment, and the responses that have echoed this sentiment herein. I understand the words as presented in the post, and their attendant context, but I kinda feel like I am missing out on some meaning that may be hidden perhaps between the words.

I could be completely wrong, though, and the meaning of the statement is clear and evident on its face. Regardless, if any would care to expound upon this notion, I would be very much interested in reading more . . . .

[melissaK]

I catch the difference between bad tranny Melissa, Kathryn and Frances comments (theirs inparticular) and perhaps mine.

They seem to be saying, unless you're going all the way, why take hormones? And they sorta imply you could CD or whatever just fine without them. And they sorta imply you should RLE first, then HRT.

I said I think you can HRT first, and you can delay the rest of transition and delay RLE.

BUT I also said I knew since age 13 I was "doomed" to transition, despite what ever "good fight" I put up as Kaitlyn called it. Thus, I imply the notion that hormones go with being prepared to go all the way.

Thus, I think I am saying the same essential thing, HRT goes with intending to end your time living as a man - it has no other purpose. Indeed it will chemically castrate you (likely reversible but I dont see that guaranteed after long term use) and they grow boobs on your chest (reversible by surgery only).

I differ only in saying I think the sequence for the steps of transition can be varied a great deal and the timeline altered for individual needs. BUT I was careful not to recommend that in my comments, only to say that it's my current path. (There are others like me lurking on our boards).

[Kaitlyn Michele]

thought some more about this..

is realizing you are doomed to transition the same as planning to transition???
if its not, i probably should have waited longer for hrt

...transition is so much easier to understand looking back than looking forward... i have no fricking idea when i decided to transition or when transition started (altho taking hormones is as good a place as any)

i know that when i started hrt i would have signed anything to get it...even tho i'm sure my decision to live my life as a female happened later....its interrelated...

anyone considering hrt should simply be understanding the effects, and learning about the risks..
and then getting blood tests to help monitor things...then they do what is right for them...

people cope differently

Part of the "process" of transition for me was the moment where i reached out for the first time in my life on behalf of my actual self....that was asking my therapist to prescribe hrt..
and if i was told..."Sorry, this is only for transitioning transsexuals" that would have been a bad thing... i would have freaked out and would have said i was transitioning and then i would have ramped up the pressure on myself even more...it would have been a terrible way to start..

instead it felt all good...it was low key and effective ....and over the first three months i recall the feelings in my breasts very well, and i also recall that i started getting serious and started going to group therapy exclusively as "me"...and the i started going out to dinner as "me"...it was all interrelated...

so for ME, it turned out it probably was the start of transition, but i do not beleive i would have honestly said that when i started..

Frances, Kathryn, Mel and others...
I would have paid good money for the clarity of mind that you ladies had when you started HRT...!!!!:hugs:




do some folks start hrt foolishly?? maybe without medical supervision or with improper dosing?? perhaps just to grow a pair of jiggly boobs?? im sure they do....that's their issue...they should do a better job understanding themselves..

[Kathryn Martin]

Kaitlyn and Lea, I went to see my therapist in August 2010 and she asked me what I needed her for. I told her that I was going to transition, that I needed hormones and support during transition. She referred me to an electrolysist, a hairdresser (that is she called them to introduce me), she saw me three times and then told me that she was going to write the letter. I went to see the hairdresser in September (to get my hair started in the right direction), started hormones in October, and the rest is kind of history. But it just sounds easy. ( I did see her many times more of course after that and still see her today)

When I say this, people often forget that this was after years depression, suffering, discontent, despair, and of soul searching. I did not just wake up one morning and wanted to be a woman. In fact I never wanted to be a woman I was one. By the time I saw my therapist I knew who I was (since age 9), how incredibly screwed up I was and knew exactly what I needed to do to heal myself. This was my path and is my biography. It is both highly relevant and highly irrelevant to me now. And while there are specific common themes (which I consider crucial) that I share with transsexuals it is my life not anyone elses. If a few things had gone differently I would have transitioned at age 18 or even earlier.

[Tammy V]

When I went into to see my therapist, on the first meeting I told her I wanted to transition. I beleive the next few sessions she asked me at some point if I wanted to transition and I said yes..she nodded and took a note. So the decision came before the hormones although I still had my doubts for some reason that she would approve me for HRT or that I would pass the doctor's physical, as I had the feeling that I was dying at the time. That feeling has gone away and now I not only feel like I will live a long time but I want to live a long time. 53 weeks after walking into her office for the first time, and a little over 7 months on HRT, I went full time.

[Badtranny]

Regardless, if any would care to expound upon this notion, I would be very much interested in reading more . . . .

Care to? Why I'd love to!

I began HRT specifically because I was transitioning. I didn't know such a thing existed until I was already deeply involved in my cross-dressing experiment. It would have never occurred to me to get on the 'juice' unless I was planning to go all the way. I did not try it to see how I felt, I did it because that's what I thought I was supposed to do.


I catch the difference between bad tranny Melissa, Kathryn and Frances comments (theirs in particular) and perhaps mine. .

We're just coming from different places OtherMelissa. ;-) I am not against testing the waters or going on HRT to alleviate GID symptoms or maybe just to grow boobs! I think people are welcome to do whatever they want and I certainly don't lay any special claim to the process but I also don't want to pretend to understand someone who wants to be on hormones yet not transition. Of course I can understand it intellectually, but personally I can't relate. I think it's important that we not act like a tranny collective and we point out our differences whatever they may be because there are hundreds if not thousands of people reading these words, and they need to understand that there is no ONE way to feel or to deal.

I have to admit that though this forum opened my eyes, it also caused me some stress because as somebody who didn't really cross-dress, I was sure that I couldn't be transsexual because I didn't feel the same way as everyone else that was posting. (as far as I knew) I even brought that into therapy as a reason she needed to talk me out of what I was thinking. We are all very different and I think we too often fail to point out our different points of view because we want to support each other. (here on the TS forum) I do support you, but I'm not exactly like you, that's all.


Frances, Kathryn, Mel and others...
I would have paid good money for the clarity of mind that you ladies had when you started HRT...!!!!:hugs:.

My clarity only came as the result of complete surrender. Basically, I was jolted awake by a car crash and I realized I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life hiding from the world. It all sounds very dramatic and purposeful now but I honestly had no idea what was ahead of me. I just knew for sure that I was going to be honest with myself. I was not going to live another day pretending that I was a cool dude and everything was okay. The transition grew out of that honesty. Today I am still trying to live as emotionally and intellectually honest as I can be, and it's a struggle, ...but it's worth it.

[stefan37]

Facing mortality probably produces more life changing decisions and alleviates more fears than any other occurrence. After facing my mortality and I did not know at that time it would lead me to where I am today. I started to express myself as I felt comfortable and did not care what others thought. It took me some time to not feel self conscious and for my family to adjust to the appearance changes. Fast forward to today, I have experienced many physical changes and I think more mental changes in how I approach the world I live in. It was about 2 therapy sessions in where all my fears about how my life would change disappeared except how my relationship with my wife would be impacted. Now 12 months later we are still together and the dynamics have changed, but my fear about my marriage has also disappeared and what happens will happen, it is out of my control. So for me I have greater clarity of vision for my future than ever in my life without any fears to hinder my progress. The only limiting factor in my progression is financial and I am in the process of developing my business to take care of that particular problem.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Thanks Kath and Mel ...

so the big difference for us was that I started HRT even tho I continued to reject in my conscious mind that i was ts... perhaps i was on autopilot, but when i started hrt i was desperate, i am totally with you BT, it was complete surrender..
but at the same time, i would have still said i was trying to figure out why i wanted to be a woman even tho i was not transsexual.....looking back...it was all very unreal

thats why i come from a perspective that starting hrt is something that people should do IF they feel that need for HRT and not neccessarily because they can state with clarity and surety that they are transsexual women.... i bet a nickel that much more often than not, its the same thing..

[LeaP]

... perhaps i was on autopilot, but when i started hrt i was desperate ... thats why i come from a perspective that starting hrt is something that people should do IF they feel that need for HRT and not neccessarily because they can state with clarity and surety that they are transsexual women.... i bet a nickel that much more often than not, its the same thing..

I can state that with certainty.

Autopilot is a good description. Willful blindness is another I've used, along with stepping off a cliff, a step into the dark, an act of faith, etc. Those around me who know tell me I'm in transition, including my wife and my therapist - yet I don't think about it in those terms. This is very unlike me in several respects. But maybe acting completely out of the feeling of rightness, of faith, is characteristic of the real me. I don't know. Although I've gone through a depressive phase recently, I LOVE how I feel. I feel like I'm HERE.

[AnitaFloridaGal]

I started transitioning several years ago, but started on hormones way before that. In fact, the first time I went to see an endocrinologist, I found out that I had very low testosterone. This probably explains why I didn't have a normal male puberty. Instead, I developed breasts (gynecomastia) and my voice never got deep (I am in the normal female vocal range). I also had a pear-shaped body. Starting on hormones confirmed all of the feelings I already had about my true gender.

[sandra-leigh]

Anita, your description has me wondering about the possibility that you might have Klinefelter's Syndrome, XYX ?

[AnitaFloridaGal]

I think it actually was a hormonal imbalance due to previously undetected thyroid problems, not Klinefelter's.

[Jennifer Marie P.]

I knew who I wanted to be way before hormones and when I started HRT I really knew I made the best desicion.

[AnneB1nderful]

Even though all your stories are unique, I somehow relate to many of them. GD is nestling in more and more every day. I'm not functioning well as a man and I'm finding it very difficult to keep going back and forth. Not quite depressed, but find myself crying at night because I have to wake up and go to work as a man. Hopefully this'll change in the next month or two when I start HRT.

[EnglishRose]

For me the decision was way before hormones, and then I didn't even go out as female for another year.