What Does Dysphoria FEEL Like?

[SarahMarie42]

Beyond the obvious, of course. It obviously involves discomfort and unhappiness, that's not what I'm asking. I'm wondering how persistent, how intense, and how obvious it is to each person who experiences it. Because. . . what I feel is like. . . removal and awkwardness. I'm constantly thinking about everything I do and have always thought about everything I've done -- "is that a manly enough handshake?" "Am I participating in this conversation as a man should participate in a conversation?" "Am I sitting like a man?" "Is it okay for me to say things like that or will it sound strange and effeminate?", etc. I also feel out of place when hanging out with friends, unless I'm distracting myself by putting on some comical show and serve as a joke machine. I'm afraid to show any affection whatsoever because I'm afraid it will seem effeminate, and that it will cause negative judgment. I'm afraid to show that I like girly things AT ALL, I deny anything effeminate vehemently. I won't even show affection to my pets when I'm around friends, as I'm afraid it won't seem "masculine" enough. To return to the "feeling out of place around friends" point, there are moments where I blatantly recognize "Oh my God, I feel like a woman right now, I'm going to reveal myself as improper if I don't change my actions fast".

Sometimes, after trying to hold on to a masculine self-image, most of the time, actually, I see these flashes of myself as a woman. As I speak, I see a woman speaking; as I move, I see a woman moving, etc. etc.

But I don't always label these feelings as indicating a persistent need to be female -- I'd usually just try harder and harder to be a man. I don't feel like I have a core identity -- I feel like I am defined only by my intellect and sense of humor. I suppose what I'm feeling is a constant discomfort and a constant push, but I don't HATE my every moment as a male so much that I experience a crushing existential depression at all times and never feel proud of anything I do and say to myself, each time, "Yes, this is all obviously because I'm male".

Gah, it's all so confusing. What have your experiences been?

[Anne2345]

Dysphoria is the worst experience I have ever gone through. It feels like pain, chaos, intensity, confusion, shame, worthlessness, self-hatred, self-pity, anger, and depression all wrapped into one.

At least this has been my experience with it in the past. It has brought my down to my knees crying, begging, and screaming in the fetal position on the floor on more occassions than I care to recount. My mind would race, race, race, and not EVER shut the F*CK UP!!! It would go on and on and on until I thought my freaking head was going to EXPLODE!!

There were many times it was too much for me to handle. I completely broke down. I became worthless. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I became physically sick. I could not focus. I lost all productivity. I ceased caring. I hated myself. I hated the world. I wanted to F*CKING DIE!!!! And I railed against everything, and pushed those that loved me away because I thought I was broken and an abomination of society.

When I went through it in my late teens (before I shut it down, ran, hid, and lived the next two decades in serious denial and suppression before it all caught up to me again and kicked my ass all over again), it hurt so bad I put a loaded pistol to my head and held it there for I do not know how long. Thankfully I didn't pull the trigger, but still. I also did very stupid things to "quell" the pain and intensity, such as cutting myself, taking crazy risks, and drinking ridiculous and dangerous amounts of alcohol.

Dysphoria sucks. It is miserable. Should I ever return to how it was then, or how it was last year, I don't know that I can survive it again. Which is why I am now proactively trying to make my life work for the first real time in my life. I gotta make it work. I want to make it work. I love life. And I am beginning to learn that I love me, and I am not referring to the false facade that I have presented to the world the past 20 years. I am talking about the real me, and this fills me with hope . . . .

I would not wish dysphoria on my worst enemy. No one should ever, ever be subjected to it's merciless onslaught and attack.

[SarahMarie42]

Was it constantly that intense? Or only that intense when it peaked? I've had a few crazed fits before too, but I just wonder how much it can vary in intensity, or if it allows for even one good, distracted day.

[sandra-leigh]

I would say that mostly those are signs of "trying to keep up appearances" and not dysphoria in itself. One could, hypothetically, be internally completely female but not wanting others to know it, and so consciously "act" male the way you describe.

Dysphoria can be (1) the persistent discomfort and internal unease with your body not matching what you know to be your gender identity; or dysphoria can be (2) the persistent {etc} with people not treating you according to what you know to be your gender identity. Or, dysphoria can be (3) the persistent discomfort or internal unease with what you consciously interpret as being your gender identity.

Examples: (1) "I'm a WOMAN, dang-it, but I hate that when I look down, I see those dangly parts!"; (2) "I know I'm a woman, but these #$@# jerks keep deliberately emphasizing SIR when they talk to me!"; (3) "I had a rather good time having sex with women but still I feel a lot more like I am a woman, so I'm awfully confused, but how can I be a woman myself if my penis doesn't disgust me?! But somehow it hurts when people call me Sir, even though I must be a guy because how can I be a girl if I don't care so much for children? But I like ballet and I can't stand football, and ... Oh god, I'd rather be a woman but I'm not... or am I... but how could I be... but FURRY DUCK I'm unhappy and I wish this trouble would go away... and I'd rather be a guy than feel like this inside... but wait, if I'm saying that to myself then I'm saying I'm not a guy and I don't even know what I mean by that, but why can't I just wake up a woman, but like THAT's gonna happen, and besides then I'd have to give up going to hockey games and I LOVE hockey, so I must not be a woman but..."

Myself, I get the social dysphoria (not being treated the way I know my gender to be); and I used to have somewhat bad confusion and internal pressure to be different than I seemed to be to me, and I used to need to do things like wear forms for the 20 minute bus ride to work, and take more and more risks, to do risky and crazy things I couldn't explain but "knew" I had to do. Like for months ahead of my last day at work, I was burning a fuse inside me saying "You gotta show up at work in a dress on the last day to force people to acknowledge your REAL gender!" (I didn't, though, as I didn't want to destroy my chance of a reference.) I also had body dysphoria that my breasts were missing (and I feel like cursing and crying now as they are slowly shrinking...)

Before I started HRT... well, if I was in the middle of programming computers, I probably barely knew where I was or what I was wearing. Computers are asexual, and treat you the same way no matter what you are wearing. And books... books can be a lot of escape. But when I stopped and looked down... or when I stepped out the door... or when I was alone on my side of the bed at night... Rust Never Sleeps, but some days there is more salt-water in the rust-wounds than other days.

[SarahMarie42]

I'm sorry, I probably seem like a moron. I'm sorry I'm wasting all of your time. I'm such a stupid, confused fake. I can't even believe myself.

[Rianna Humble]

At the risk of being unhelpful, I think we each experience Gender Dysphoria differently in our own lives.

I can relate to much of what you have described, although at some periods of my life I would not necessarily have given voice to the thoughts.

As you look back over your life, you will find many examples of where your dysphoria kicked in although you didn't necessarily see it like that at the time. In a recent conversation with someone I respect quite a lot, I likened this to my Diabetes. Looking back over the 4 years before my diagnosis with Diabetes, I had had many troubling experiences that I couldn't always explain at the time. Once I knew what to look out for, I could see that these experiences were all early signs of the condition.

In a similar way with my dysphoria, as I look back over my inability to enter the mindset of my male colleagues/friends. At the time of any incident I probably thought "well that's just the way I am, I don't fit in here..." whereas now I see that I had no chance of "fitting in" because they were male and I never have been.

My natural shyness amongst women friends / acquaintances was similar, I often thought "I wish I could discuss xyz with them, but men don't talk to women about that". On a one-to-one basis, I could relate more easily to other women because I didn't threaten their relationship with boyfriends etc.

Strangely enough, on this particular score, the other women were often much more perceptive than me even without truly understanding it. On more than one occasion another woman said to me (pre-transition) "It is so much easier talking to you than to my brother/boyfriend/uncle/... because you are so much more like a big sister, why is that?". Generally for a few weeks after such a remark, I would make an effort to think "how would her bf/uncle/... respond?" but It could only ever work short-term because I could not understand why they would respond like that and would end up thinking "but this is so not me".

I can honestly say that there have been times in my life when I did not hate being taken for a male. However, shortly before acknowledging my need to transition, my whole life had become unbearable to the point where I was able to say very truthfully to the doctor I approached for help transitioning that I would rather spend the rest of my life as a lonely, ugly, old woman than spend another day as the man I have never been.

[sandra-leigh]

I want you to answer this with the very first thing that comes to mind:

Are you a guy or a girl?

Now, give yourself a bit of time to think about and answer this question:

Are you a guy or a girl?

Now, give your some time to think about and answer this question:

Are you happy being what you answered first?

And these:

If there was a treatment that would remove any doubts about what you are, but makes absolutely no promises as to whether afterwards you will feel "male" or "female", just that you would know, would you take the treatment?

If there was a treatment that you knew ahead of time would leave you knowing that you are male, would you take it? If there was a treatment that you knew ahead of time would leave you knowing that you are female, would you take it?

[SarahMarie42]

It really doesn't help that I have OCD and that I question EVERY conclusion I come to in the first place -.-

I come to the conclusion that this is what I want, and I feel the most INTENSE euphoria I've EVER experienced. It's as if someone has told me that world peace has been achieved, I was never going to die, and I had an endless supply of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (which were also 0 calorie). But then. . . those obsessive doubts creep in -- "What if I'm a liar?" "What if I'm trying to escape?" "Why do I want this?" etc. etc.

And I get to where I am now.

Like. . . if I even fail to experience gender dysphoria in situations which are entirely gender-NEUTRAL. Like reading a damned book. I think I'm invalidated. If I don't feel CONSTANT just sitting on the damn couch in the dress and doing a crossword puzzle (after I've been up to it for about an hour), I feel invalidated.

It's like. . . if it's not always there and always obvious -- I doubt it.

It's really hard for me to do that, Sandra. Due to the OCD, a thousand thoughts fly in at the same time. All I know is that, as a male, I feel that, if I don't achieve something magnificent and I'm not the greatest at everything I do, I want to shoot myself, and can conceptualize of no life outside of my career. I can't even imagine having a relationship, I can't even imagine enjoying anything or being anything. . . but, as a woman, I'd be happy with just being a school teacher in a small town even -- it may not be what I'd prefer to a larger goal, but I still see that I have a reason to live, and can still imagine myself being content with it.

When you ask me "Are you a guy or a girl?"

I think "Well. . . I don't know. . . I know that guy is the anatomically correct answer given current reality, but I can't conceptualize of life as a guy, and I consider it a less gender-loaded term than "man", so my reaction isn't as visceral"

If you asked me "Are you a man or woman?" I'd say "WOMAN. I'M A WOMAN, DAMN IT"

If you asked me "boy or girl", I'd again get confused, because I associate that with my youth, and I'd say "I was, technically, a boy", and I'm okay with the term "boy" sometimes, because I associate it with my interests and feelings as a child, which were more feminine. I don't LOVE it, but I don't associate it with anything other than my childhood sweetness, so it's neutral over girl. I don't associate it with my anatomy even. If someone came up to me and said "You're a boy", though, they'd mean something different than I do, and they'd associate those additional aspects with the term, and they'd be using it in the socially common way, so I'd say. . . "No, you s**t, I'm a girl"

I'm really familiar with philosophy of language and formal logic, so . . . I focus a lot on internal vs. external semantics. If you ask me in terms of external semantics. . . it's

"Girl. Girl. Woman."

Internal semantics

"Neutral. Neutral. Woman"

[sandra-leigh]

I suggest you go back to my earlier posting here, as I added more to it after you first read it.

I am reading a science fiction book right now, and I don't give a darn whether I am reacting "sufficiently female" when I read it. It is taking me into the mind of 7 different [fictional] intergalactic species, and how can one meaningfully worry about the gender of an imaginary creature from 20 million light years away? The ideas are neat and lead to interesting thoughts; what's to worry about? Now if the topic was humans and the author was being sexist (don't give me that bunk about why the Lensmen can never be female!), sure gender interpretation comes into it. And hey, if I was on Darkover, I'd rather be a red-haired lenoris than a laranzu any day. But dysphoria doesn't have to be uppermost in my mind all the time.

Dysphoria can be like a rotting tooth: while you are chopping wood, your back might hurt more than your tooth does, but your back is going to ease up with a bit of rest but the tooth is going to keep getting more and more rotten...

[ReineD]

I don't know what it feels like to be uncomfortable with one's gender (I don't have gender dysphoria), but I see in your first post questions more along the lines of what others will think when they see you behave in the way that you feel is natural to you.

You describe having lived your life feeling as if you need to be ... I don't know what word to use: stiff, unemotional, unresponsive .. for fear that others will feel you are "too" effeminate. Having observed many men in my life who are not gender dysphoric (father, brother, ex-husband, sons, other male family members, male friends, male co-workers, male neighbors, etc), I'd like to tell you that I think you have an overly rigid view of how males are "supposed" to behave. This may be because you suffer from internalized transphobia (http://tgmentalhealth.com/2011/03/25/internalized-trans-phobia/). At any rate, the range of behavior for the average male (past the teenage years :p) is wide indeed. Both men and women get emotional, they are caring, they are tender, they can express sadness, they like babies and little kids, they pet dogs and even cats, and husbands even express preferences for things like what type of couch to buy, what color to paint the walls, and whether or not they like their wives' dresses, hair, or lipstick color. Men even color their own hair to get rid of the gray, have well manicured nails, and dress well (if they want to).

I think the rigid roles come into play more during the high school years in the male locker rooms, as young males try to establish their places along the universal male pecking orders. I've seen this behavior among my sons. But, with good friends and especially as they aged and became confident adults, they were and are always themselves. They could be there for one another when they felt down. For example, one young friend found out about his parents' divorce and he came over crying. My sons and his friends were all there consoling him and no one thought less of him. The behavior and activity preference range is very wide, especially in the last generation since the gender gap has narrowed in the workforce and in the home, where both men and women need to share caring for the kids and doing the household chores.

My own SO felt there were many things that she couldn't do "as a guy" and she said it was her feminine self that gave her permission to begin enjoying art and collecting it, and take ballroom dance lessons. Yet, many men who are not trans do these things without thinking anything of it, and these men also do not fear that enjoying these things make them appear to be gay (if they are not gay).

You don't have to "try" so hard to be the stereotypical male. Just be who you are and you'll be fine! You don't have to do anything to be particularly magnificent. You are great just the way that you are. If you feel uncomfortable walking around looking like a male, however, then that's something else. This is the textbook definition of gender dysphoria: the feeling that you have the wrong body, that you are not male, and the discomfort you feel in having male body parts and presenting to the world as a male gendered person.

[SarahMarie42]

The more I start to let things out, though, the more it starts to progress. First, I start sitting the way I prefer to sit. Next, I start wearing the things I like to wear. Further, I start presenting myself to the world in the way that I prefer to present myself. etc. etc. etc.

When I think of all of the things I'd tweak. . .

I always end up at "oh look, I'm a girl now"

I progress piece-wise from "I'm going to take little steps to be me" to "My name is Sarah, I love to wear skinny jeans, long cardigans, and jewelry, I love being a woman, and I no longer have a penis!"

[sandra-leigh]

So you are a woman, and you feel like you need to show yourself as a man to other people. And you are persistently unhappy with the situation.

Even if that were all there was to your situation, that in itself would be dysphoria.

[SarahMarie42]

Yeah, I just pick at all of the little mannerisms I've learned, and think of the days I forget about gender, and all of the times I've (on the surface) put it behind me and used day-dreaming as an outlet -- though I was still extremely tense and hated myself . . . and. . .I use it as fodder for my obsessions. "Oh, I felt pretty satisfied when someone said 'you're a smart man, you know that?'. I should have been upset because they didn't say "Oh, you're such a smart woman. I should have been upset by that compliment!"

Or. . . "Even though I can't conceive of using my penis sexually, and the thought of being male in any sexual situation disgusts me, I don't want to tear it off every time I go to take a piss. I must not have a sufficient level of gender dysphoria!"

Or. . . "Even though I don't even understand people being satisfied with having a core identity. To the point where I wonder how anyone can admit that anyone is better at anything than they are, because people without core identities can only value themselves for superficial reasons, but understand how they could be content with being who they are when I think of life as a woman and acknowledge myself as a woman. . .I must just be trying to escape my 'responsibility' to try and accomplish on the level of Da Vinci"

As far as the penis goes. . . it's just sort of there? I don't despise it but I don't relate to it too well sexually either? It's just a device used for peeing and the like? I have no desire to put it in anything or anyone or for anyone else to touch it or see it? I do hate my testicles, though. . .that's where all of that god-awful testosterone comes from. I'd put those on a butcher block and chop them clean off right now if I could suture myself back up again. -.-

[sandra-leigh]

So you have body dysphoria as well (and I probably don't mean in the sense of the body dysphoric disorder that you mentioned sometime earlier.)

How about social dysphoria? Do you, for example, get a sagging feeling in your stomach when someone calls you Sir? Do you chafe when you get a form (or sign up to a web site) that wants to know whether you are Male or Female and you know they mean what was originally on your birth certificate rather than what you feel your identity should be? Or do you just feel bad / fake / not "really" transsexual becase you do not feel bad about such things?

[SarahMarie42]

"Sir" and "male" and "bro" don't bother me so much. . . I ignore them and don't feel trapped by them. They're just stupid words, and when people call me "Sir", they're not letting me know anything I don't know already. I don't think "WOE IS ME. THE WORLD PERCEIVES ME AS MALE AND I'VE JUST BEEN MADE AWARE OF THIS" -- I think "Yep, same state of affairs as always. Doesn't mean anything. They just see a guy, which I know they already see, and they're just responding to what they're seeing". Now, if it were to happen to me en femme? -- mind you, it's only happened once after I felt too awkward to speak in my female voice and spoke in my male voice -- it would devastate me entirely. I'd throw a tantrum and bawl for hours.

[sandra-leigh]

You know you are a woman. But you seem currently preoccupied about whether you are transsexual enough. But "enough" for what purpose? Is there something this doubt is holding you back from doing but which you feel you want to do?

My intellectual / work life has had many many instances of my working through something in layer after layer of detail, establishing that I took everything reasonable into account and choose the best solution to match particular goals. I would not, for example, just take a vendor's word that their equipment was comparable to another vendor's: I would work through the capacity mathematics, read specifications, read reviews, write accounting programs to calculate our current usage, and trace our historical usage, I would read about forthcoming technologies and survey our users to find out whether they needed those technologies in a reasonable time frame, and take the information back to make usage projections -- and get down and dirty and test if I could get some in hand. Inch by inch, step by step, Niagara Falls, I would show that my preferred solution was the best possible solution in the situation. So I am absolutely no stranger to mulling around everything in my mind and trying to prove to myself that I was one way or another, or trying to find the right algorithms and weights and conversions to find a way that it could be proved.

But no matter how much I tell myself that, for example, rationally I have a better chance of getting a job if my gender wheel doesn't squeak audibly, the pit of my stomach when I think about living through that tells me that rationality is going to have to take second place to what I need for reasons beyond rationality.

[SarahMarie42]

Me too!

<----- mathematical economist xP

And I'm only doubting it obsessively because I know it makes me happy, and I'm afraid of never getting to be that happy xP

Also, that feel when your female friends refer to your group as "us girls" and refer to you as "chica"?

AMAZING FEEL!

[Ezekiel]

OCD is obsessive compulsive disorder? Well that can make you go insane sometimes because I'm myself one too. You overthink everything, even the simplest task and try to come out with infinite variables and "what if" questions all the time? For me its like this, my head sometimes feels like its almost going to explode and go nuclear really.

[SarahMarie42]

It's absolutely terrible, and you've described it perfectly. Sometimes I just want to beat my head against a wall x[

[Ezekiel]

Yes and it aggravates when theres something that truly bothers you, because you think about it for 24 hours, you can't even sleep, you get anxiety and its really unpleasant as if you don't manage to solve the problem that bothers you, it can happen that you are stuck in that situation for months and even years. Pairing OCD with depression is the worst really, I've been through it, don't even know how I survived that.

Back on topic, the way Anne describes dysphoria is very similar to what happens to someone with obsessive traits, the way its there all day in your head and how miserable it makes you feel. When I was younger I thought I could be many things, including transsexual, but for me it got very clear after suffering through much that I just wish the female image with all the characteristics except for gender. But yes, it can be really really confusing, if you are feeling like this perhaps Sarah you could try a good therapist to sort you out? I don't know its just an idea.

[ReineD]

Or. . . "Even though I can't conceive of using my penis sexually, and the thought of being male in any sexual situation disgusts me,

Then it's a lot more than fearing you might appear "too" feminine if you pet your dog in front of your friends.

Have you considered speaking with a gender therapist?

[SarahMarie42]

I am considering it. The only reason I thought that I might not be trans is that I thought that the euphoria might just be some way to escape my problems -- to forget about life as a male -- but I've cleared that up.

I'll STILL be disappointed if I don't do my doctoral studies at a top-tier research university, but, you know what? I won't want to blow my brains out because there will still be something to live for. I still have problems, I'm just not cripplingly depressed.

[Chickhe]

Wow great thread! ...I went through much of what you described. Looking back, I don't know if its disphoria or just not connecting to others on their level. What I discovered was that most of my life I felt guilty about not fitting in (not just CDing related). As you say, I often felt like I was putting on a show, acting...just to fit in. After learning about depression and really trying to figure out the whole gender thing, I finally decided to overcome all of my fear and just deal with it...I had to experience what it was like to go out... it took time, but in the end I overcame my fear of CDing which also seemed to benefit my attitude towards not fitting in....basically I'm a lot less introverted and my extraverted now. I don't care that much if I fit in anymore, I'm more concerned with how I feel and less how others feel and as a result, I seem to fit in better. It seems odd, but once you truely feel good about yourself, life gets better (its a chicken and egg thing, first lie to yourself and convince yourself you are valuable just the way you are...it will build on itself). I don't claim your gender issues go away, but once you realize that you are normal and almost everyone else is crazy, it becomes less of a concern. It seems that we spend too much effort trying to hide everything...open up, let loose a little.

[ReineD]

I am considering it. The only reason I thought that I might not be trans is that I thought that the euphoria might just be some way to escape my problems -- to forget about life as a male -- but I've cleared that up.

Well, there's that too and it cannot be dismissed. Sad to say, but many people who are not TS convince themselves that they are because the euphoria is just so strong. Unfortunately the only way to discover that it was euphoria and nor GD is often after the fact when it is too late. Hence the importance of finding a good gender therapist.



I'll STILL be disappointed if I don't do my doctoral studies at a top-tier research university, but, you know what? I won't want to blow my brains out because there will still be something to live for. I still have problems, I'm just not cripplingly depressed.

IMO, go for the gusto when it comes to your career. If you're headed for academia, the field is becoming increasingly competitive due to changes in higher ed and it would make it easier for you to transition in the long run (if you are TS), to get a top tier PhD in order to have an edge on tenure track positions.

[SarahMarie42]

Yes, but I'm really just euphoric in imagining simple things, I'm not made euphoric by the fact that I look like a woman or can talk like a woman -- just comfortable. A buzzing discomfort which bounces around in the middle of my chest and the pit of my stomach all day and every day finally just GOES when that happens. What makes me euphoric is knowing that I can have a romantic and sexual life and a robust social life as well! That I can finally be me and enjoy life! I'm happy that I don't want to die! That I get to have the friendships I've always wanted! That I can finally feel comfortable enough with myself to have a love life! When I imagine these things, I become EXTRAORDINARILY happy.

[ReineD]

I'm not analyzing whether you are TS or not, really it's not for me or anyone else in this forum to say. Just saying that sometimes people believe they are TS when they are not and this is why it is crucial to find a good therapist. If you are TS, then eventually all doubts will disappear and you will not regret any decisions taken. In the meantime though, I would focus just as much if not more on your studies. The window for this is fairly short and this is what will give you the financial security in the long term to achieve what you want to achieve if you are TS ... and then the world can be your oyster. :)

[LeaP]

To your basic questions, i.e., how persistent how intense etc., it obviously varies by individual and it varies in how it manifests. I love Rianna's answer because it shows how pernicious dysphoria can be, how it masquerades. The latter is part of the problem in sorting through gender issues. Dysphoria is associated with a large number of conditions (including OCD). Moreover, dysphoria associated with other conditions can manifest itself (falsely) as a gender issue!

Sometimes I think dissociation and an internal dialogue are one of the strongest markers of gender dysphoria. It has been with me since early adolescence. And, like Rianna, I did not recognize it for what it was. Looking back, the key was not the effort to fit in – which any boy would strive for – it was in knowing, even at that time, that I could not fit in and that I had to pretend. Thing is, a kid just doesn't know any better, and it sets the lifelong pattern for the internal dialogue. Its companion is having the girl kicked out of you, meaning the constant comments, ridicule, and slap downs associated with correcting expressions of sensitivity and connection. That leads to a profound dissociation.

I also love Anne's answer as to intensity. When people are compressed within themselves in the manner above, when it is popping out in all kinds of ways like OCD, depression, anxiety & mood disorders, anger, etc. - when you peek under the lid, the pot explodes, starting a brutal process of self-examination and discovery. Not everyone experiences the discovery of gender dysphoria (specifically) in this way, but it is quite common.

I can't say that the constancy changes. The inner dialogue is with me all of the time. But the intensity has lessened somewhat, and it has become more focused.

You asked what it feels like. I (figuratively) had a bomb go off in my house in adolescence. I have been scraping the mess off every wall, floor, ceiling, surface, and nook and cranny for the last year or so. Now that I have it all gathered into one big sticky, filthy pile in one place, I still don't quite know what to do with it. The mess may not be everywhere I look any longer, but I know it's there all of the time, it nags at me, and it gets in my way, interfering any time I move about. Unfortunately, it seems that local regulations forbid me disposing of the mess. So I must either live with it or move to another house and leave it behind.

[melissaK]

OMG. If we could just let everyone "know" and "experience" this feeling for an hour no one would ever doubt any of us or make fun of any of us again.

My 2 cents on describing gender anxiety or gender dysphoria:

Its an intense desire to immediately be the opposite gender, but you can't, or won't.
Its about intensely wanting to do something that's absolutely essential, but being denied permission to do it.
Analogies:
It is like claustrophobia - you want out of the tight space and can't get out.
It is like being held under water - you want to breathe but know you can't.
It is like being held at gun point and commanded to give up your money or be shot - and you have no money to give.

Its a desire to be the opposite gender that grows in importance in your "to do list" climbing to the top 20 - to the top 10 - to the top 3 - and to the number 1 spot - and you can't ever get it off your to do list.

It goes away when you are highly distracted. We all have times where life sweeps us up into an escape. When it's a good movie, its fine. When its drugs or alcohol that provide the escape its not OK.

It goes away when you act like, live like, and become like the other gender.
It goes away when you take steps to become the other gender, but comes back when you stop taking those steps.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

OMG. If we could just let everyone "know" and "experience" this feeling for an hour no one would ever doubt any of us or make fun of any of us again.



perfect....i shared this thought with so many cisgender people...yes i usually got blank stares but I felt it was the best i could say to help them understand how real this was...

you hit lots of the other analogies too....feeling trapped is the most common one...


sarah i hope you can avoid comparing subjective levels of a "feeling" with your own feelings........

... you should take comfort in knowing that many of us fought very hard for very long against these feelings and we are still here...some fighting, others transitioned...

i'm a math person too

even if you could measure levels of dypshoria you would probably still want to downplay it because of the way it just keeps coming and coming...perhaps the most analytically precise way you can think of it is to compare today to yesterday to last week..etc...
if its not getting worse and worse thats a good sign that whatever gender expression you are doing now is helping you...and just leave it at that...

(un)fortunately if you are transsexual, it will not be enough over time, and you will be able to tell because whatever that feeling you have right now today is, in the future it will be worse..

[Jorja]

Everyone experiences the dysphoria at different levels. I can only tell you what I felt. For me it was an intense burning need. I felt totally out of place. It came in waves of ever increasing strength. It would not leave me alone. I could not get my mind off of it because it would not allow me to forget it for one second. I had to find a way to make myself right or else.

[elizabethamy]

I'm sorry, I probably seem like a moron. I'm sorry I'm wasting all of your time. I'm such a stupid, confused fake. I can't even believe myself.

SarahMarie, you are wrong on this one! I guarantee you there are dozens of people, if not hundreds, on here who want to know the answer to your basic question. In fact, just yesterday I wrote a post creating a thread with the exact title as this one but hit a wrong key by accident and it disappeared, then a phone call obliterated the time I needed to rewrite it.

Anyway, for me it's not quite so direct as for sandra-leigh. It's not so much "why am I a man" but "why do I think about this all the time?" "Why can't I concentrate on what I need to be doing at work, at home, in my life?" "Why do I feel unmoored from my gender, why am I observing men in groups and in public and thinking, these are not my people, who are these people..." It's partially about acting, as you say -- then asking my self, am I ACTING like a male for propriety's sake or acting like a male because I am (sort of) one. Yet why am I happier when I (secretly) act girly, put on a girly bracelet? Why do I find myself converging toward female dominated professions and social settings? Yet why am I still comfortable at a basketball game? Why am I always evaluating everything through the lens of gender and how I'm acting? Why can't I just put on a dress? Why do I feel so good when I do put on a dress? Why didn't I know about this earlier in my life when I could have done something about it? Why am I not doing anything about it now? Will I ever do anything about it and if so what?

and so on...that's how it feels/is for me. Sometimes it's not so verbal, though. Like one time I woke up in the night knowing on some primitive level that I had to go get my bracelet and put it on so that I could sleep. What the hell?

And then there are times when I don't have all this dysphoria, when I'm just going through life, but these are relatively short periods, unfortunately, and I have to be mightily distracted by something very absorbing -- tense movie, brilliant concert, important work event in which I play the lead role -- to stop the torrent of gender-thought.

SarahMarie, you are SO not alone! Don't apologize -- it is what it is. And you might be confused (welcome to my club) but you are not stupid and you are not a fake. Peace,

elizabethamy


I want you to answer this with the very first thing that comes to mind:

Are you a guy or a girl?


The first thing that comes to mind is: I DON'T KNOW AND IT'S KILLING ME.

Which makes the other steps in your admirable process hard to follow.
Anyone else in my boat?

elizabethamy

[SarahMarie42]

Its a desire to be the opposite gender that grows in importance in your "to do list" climbing to the top 20 - to the top 10 - to the top 3 - and to the number 1 spot - and you can't ever get it off your to do list.

Omg. This. This is what it's like for me, in a lot of ways -- it has grown in intensity (the first derivative allows for falls but the second derivative allows for fluctuations in an ever higher range, really). It peaked once when I was 12 or 13 . . . I wanted to wake my mother in the middle of the night. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't go through puberty and become a man. It has to be stopped and I had to become a girl -- but I decided against it because I was too frightened. In fact, upon deeper contemplation, I realize that the only times I haven't wanted to be a girl are those times I had thoroughly convinced myself I could never be one -- that it was just some stupid impossible fantasy, and I would have to beat back my depression some other way and work harder to find something to enjoy about masculinity. That proposed solution has never worked, and the desire has grown.


And then there are times when I don't have all this dysphoria, when I'm just going through life, but these are relatively short periods, unfortunately, and I have to be mightily distracted by something very absorbing -- tense movie, brilliant concert, important work event in which I play the lead role -- to stop the torrent of gender-thought.

For me, I can keep it off of my mind by continually engaging in highly absorbing personal projects. CONSTANTLY solving equations, researching, and theorizing tend to reduce it to a quiet buzz. I can also distract myself in social situations by putting out a sort of show (telling a whole bunch of jokes or playing a part for everyone's amusement, but never really connecting with them.

Kind of hilarious that I've been able to write all of my feelings off to something else for soooooo long. I've always found some excuse -- "Oh well. You're just socially awkward" or "There's no such thing as a REAL, CORE identity of which to be proud. All the people around you are deluding themselves into thinking that it's okay not to be magnificent -- that not being the greatest is okay. There's really NOTHING there" or "Your obsession with anything which smacked of cross-gender themes was just a strange little interest of yours, it doesn't mean anything. I'm sure a lot of people would think that's cool" or "You're just afraid to be a man. TRY HARDER."

-.-

[SarahMarie42]

This thread has been so helpful. I want to thank all of you for your input so far. <3

What confuses me most is that I can often cope by reclaiming the androgyny of boyhood. . . if only for a while. I can see myself as a girl if I make myself look like a boy and have no particularly mannish features. I tend to comb my hair forward and let my bangs lay on my face, wear a beanie, wear a pastel-colored t-shirt, wear women's jeans, and a cardigan. When I do that, I'm really in that still-feminine-but-kinda-boyish "Ellen Degeneres" zone, and I can deal with that xD

I suppose that inhabiting the gender-neutral zone, at least temporarily, does not make me want to blow my brains out.

If I have to get another crew cut at Sports Clips, though. . . I will beat my face into the wall into I die. x[

[SamanthaC]

Hey Sarah. I wanted to reply last night, but couldn't find the words, and GD had me backed into a corner making me whimper and all dysfunctional again.

And that's how it is now... Some days are like a corporeal hell, some are better. Distractions are used wherever possible, and I'm taking as many steps as I can in transition, but it's always there beating on my door, NEVER SHUTTING UP! It will be there until the day I'm complete. I cannot put into words the degree to which I hate it.

As echoed in many of the posts, GD had ruled the roost for most of my life. It utterly destroyed vast portions of my younger years. I was fighting something I didn't understand, so how was I supposed to combat it? At one stretch I was depressed for a solid 5 odd years, and contemplated separating mind and body more times than is healthy. And there's no 'fighting' GD in the end. It's either GD's way ( being who you're supposed to ), or the highway. You know what I'm saying.

However, now, for the first time in my life, I know how to quell this insidious beast. Strangely, GD wants the same thing I do, only it wanted it 30ish years ago. Geez.... it could have just talked to me.... ;)

One glimmer of hope is realising that GDs days are numbered. Doesn't make it any more bearable in the mean time, but still good to remember. And that's what this is all about, staying one step ahead. You know what GD will do to you, if you let it.

[SarahMarie42]

It's definitely something that has to be dealt with in one way or another.

Lately, I've been questioning why I haven't had much of a desire to dress. . . but I think it's that I don't want to keep searching for those masculine inconsistencies in my presentation as a woman. Whenever I notice that I still seem to have strong arms or thick eyebrows, I just want to tear all of the clothing off and go pout. I feel like I've failed. I think that, as an androgynous male, I can focus exclusively on the little features that do make me feminine, but when I'm fully presenting as female, I seem to be hypersensitive to all of those features which make me seem masculine. Who the hell knows, really? Gah.

[Ceri Anne]

Sarah, I cannot say I have experience with disphoria, but as a manly man and a femine woman, I do not worry how I come across to others when male. I have female actions and male actions intermixed, I am me, myself. While I purposly express certain characteristics in particular roles, I never hide the expressions I am feeling. One thing to bear in mind......it takes a real man to openly express his emotions, to pets, friends or others without feeling ashamed of them. Society, not us, is responcible for those feelings of inadaquacy. Live your life as who you are, no fear, even if you have to keep some aspects closeted from those with lesser minds.

[SarahMarie42]

I've realized that I no longer like dressing because I can't shake the feeling that I look so much more like a "sir" than a "ma'am".

And every time I see that? I know I don't look as I visualize myself or who I want to be, and I want to break everything in the house and bawl. -.-

[Rianna Humble]

One of the cruel ironies of MtF transition is that we have to be prepared to start out looking like "a man in a dress" in order to let our true gender shine forth.

At the same time, we tend to become much more aware of this discrepancy because Gender Dysphoria doesn't want to give up without a fight.

I compare your current dilemma to the difference between comeliness and true beauty. Far to many people mistake the first for the second. They are looking on the outside for something that can only ever come from the heart of a person. I know someone who is very pretty and yet an absolutely self-centred 24 carat b**** - she will never find true beauty until she can look beyond her ego. Conversely, I know someone who would never feature in any "miss xxx" pageant, but whose beautiful nature shines out of her eyes like a 50 megawatt searchlight.

In a similar way, when you look in the mirror, you are not seeing the real you. What you are seeing is the outer shell of someone you never really were. It will take time before you can look beyond the shell to see the beautiful woman who is in there and trying to shine out. Often it will take someone else to make you see her.

[SarahMarie42]

I tend to see things that aren't there too. . . I go from thinking I'm enormous to thinking I'm small to thinking that I have the strong jaw of an action hero to thinking that my face is round and boyish. To thinking my shoulders are as broad as a linebacker's to thinking they're in proportion. And so on and so forth.

I hate it. -.-


Body dysmorphic disorder sucksssss.

[KellyJameson]

It shocks me how similar we are and also scares me for you because I only survived by shear luck.

Lets break the problem down into pieces but before that an understanding and acceptance must be reached.

You will never be able to intellectually prove that you have gender dysphoria so at some point there must be a leap of faith that results in making a choice.

The only way to prove it would require dissection of your brain and even than the science is mixed on this.

Step back and think about women and men as groups but each group is made up of individuals and no two individuals are alike so what defines the group is usually based on reproductive organs but a woman who is born with xy chromosomes and androgen insensitivity looks just like any other woman except she is sterile.

Is she a he?

Many people are born intersexed with mixed or ambigious genitalia so if the genitalia are all that is used to determine whether someone was man or woman than they would be both or neither.

What causes confusion is thinking that the body decides the experience of gender as man or woman but we are more than just a body.

Your opening thread was very insightful because it shows you have learned to suppress your natural emotional behavior and adopt the role of acting "masculine" I did this as well and many many transsexuals have confessed to this same behavior.

You are trying to turn off your brain because you have learned being natural brings consequences from both the men and women you associate with.

This could be my life story except I could not turn it off because it caused anxiety but not turning it off also caused anxiety but only because of how others treated me when I acted "natural"

It also caused OCD because I was obsessing over what was wrong with me.

It also caused depression when I did turn it off because something inside me died but it also caused depression because when I did not turn it off everyone responded to me like I was a freak.

For me gender dysphoria is nothing more than something was left out of my brain that would have made me like "99 9/10" of the men in the world and ....

Something was put into my brain that makes me like the vast majority of woman I encounter.

It is like the parts of my brain got switched around with pieces put in and left out by nature making me "different"

Gender identity is only possible when you can make comparisions and if you lived on an island without people, never having met people you would not have gender dysphoria as severe but there is another reason you still would have it (maybe)

The biological influences that create gender dysphoria also gives the person a "delicate constitution" but this does not mean delicate in health but only because the nervous system seems to operate on a much higher sensitivity. (like most women)

I have a very difficult time with my senses because my sense of taste,touch and hearing are extremely acute so I experience much of the world as painful. All of my senses are overly sensitive.

The part of my brain that was left out that would have made me like other men resulted in a heightened sensitivity to EVERYTHING !

This basically drives you crazy because life IS TO MUCH.

My relationship to my own body is also partly driven by this same sensitivity so I'm strongly attracted to or repelled by tactile sensations.

The sense of touch rules my life and much of how I communicate with life is through touch. I absolutely cannot stand hair on my body because touching my skin with hair feels "weird" to me and only smooth skin feels natural but I like hair on other people and find it equally sexy when both men and women have body hair (within my own esthetic tastes)

I also do not like hard angular surfaces so having breasts as a tactile experience feels natural so breasts are not symbols for me but preferences of what feels right for me just as not having body hair.

Psychologically is another huge area where I have never pursued a woman like a man would but I enticed them into my world exactly how a woman would with a man.

My flirtation habits are exactly like a womans and this is instinctive not learned.

For whatever reasons my brain experiences and behaves like a female brain naturally does and I have always been this way.

Everyone uses liking dolls over trucks as a child but the experience is much more nuanced.

For me my brain structure and nervous system insisted on creating a world that I could comfortably live in because otherwise I found life unbearable.

I do not identify as a woman or a man and do not care about identity but I have been taught by thousands upon thousands of experiences that my brain and nervous system is "female" as an experiencing, behaving, organizing,thinking organ and this made me "identify as female brained"

In my opinion a person would have to be insane to "want" to be a woman because life is in general better for men but I was forced to after many years of trying to avoid it.

I only did it because I could not "fit into" my body or society because the experience was an assault on my senses and psychology that prevented me from living fully.

You will know how bad your gender dysphoria is by how much you feel "locked out of life" by it.

You will not be able to connect with people and you will not be able to connect with your own body.

Gender dyshoria is a sadists dream come true for torturing someone if you want to slowly drive them insane.

Forget about the label of being a woman because in my opinion that is a mistake and instead notice how you experience the world compared to woman, not all but some.

I do not think I'm a woman but that my brain and nervous system is that of a woman.

Keep it simple or you will drive yourself mad looking for proof

[Kathryn Martin]

What does dysphoria feel like?

To answer that question you must first know what dysphoria is. Dysphoria is: a feeling of emotional and mental discomfort as a symptom of discontentment, restlessness, dissatisfaction, malaise, depression, anxiety or indifference. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysphoria) That essentially describes what dysphoria feels like if you want the clinical description. Most of the time it is a depressive or hyper anxious state. Given your description I would say you lean more to the anxious side of things. However, again from your description your anxiety is focused on presenting as man to ensure you are recognized as such. I am not at all sure that they are actually the kind of dysphoria that transsexuals or even gender variant persons experience. Core identities are not defined by gender in any event, they are as the name says "core" identity, that is your own brand of being human not gendered.

Gender variant persons experience dysphoria as a conflict of gender, that is their ability to express who they are does not match their outer appearance. Transsexuals experience their conflict as one of sex, that is their brain sex does not match their physical sex. In each of these conditions there are degrees of intensity. Depending on how intense the conflict is experienced the intensity of dysphoria will be. High intensity gender variant persons may wish to transition often at great cost to their lives, families and financial security. Higher intensity transsexuals (Type V or VI) will always transition because they must. The need to be healed from their disfigurement and need to be whole is so intense that they will do it. The intensity is often so high that they kill themselves if they cannot achieve being healed or the time it takes to get there is too long.

[SarahMarie42]

I'm actually starting to regret posting this now -.-

I'm getting so many different answers that I'm more confused than ever. I have no idea what the hell to do, and I think I'm going to go cry now. I feel like I'm being pulled in 800 separate directions, to the point that I'm going to be horse-quartered. I can't deal with it. I'm done dealing with it, and I am so sick of all of this. I don't even know what the hell I am anymore. For the first time I felt like I wasn't a character in a damned story. A gray blob thrown in among a whole world full of whole and real people. Maybe I am just trying to escape the possibility of career failure, even though I recognize it would be a disappointing possibility either way. Maybe I am! Who the hell knows?! I can't even imagine a life 10 years from now. . . I doubt I'm even going to f**king have one. This is all a big stupid mess, and I'm done. I'm going to go back to trying to be perfect, to trying to fix myself with something, and, if I fail, I'm just going to do what I'd originally resolved to do and go.

You know, maybe it isn't that I'm SUPPRESSING someone or HOLDING BACK something that I really am. Maybe I'm just a whole s**t-ton of nothing. Maybe that's just what I am. Maybe I don't have a core identity at all? Maybe I was just born a big, empty hole. That's probably it, I think. I'm just nothing to begin with. I am a void without definition. A machine who can fake being human and has a couple of decent qualities like being able to tell jokes and being able to intellectualize. Outside of those two things, I must have been born a void. A big, black, empty nothingness.

The reason I feel I must die if I fail in achieving my goals is that there is nothing outside of those goals. I am not a person. I am an instrument dedicated to a specific cause. A machine. And just like all other tools which fail to perform their duties admirably, I should be decommissioned if I fail. There is no reason for my existence beyond that cause, and I should not exist if it is not fulfilled.

[SamanthaC]

I've realized that I no longer like dressing because I can't shake the feeling that I look so much more like a "sir" than a "ma'am".

And every time I see that? I know I don't look as I visualize myself or who I want to be, and I want to break everything in the house and bawl. -.-

This is a toughy... I think many of us experience the same when starting out. And Rianna hit the nail on the head. We've got to expect to start out looking like a man in a dress.

I can't ( and thankfully will never need to ) place myself in the position of someone with more pronounced masculine features. But I can guarantee you that our relationship with our bodies is just the same, just as dysphoric, just as hateful. Having said that, I honestly don't know how other people cope if they're unfortunate enough to have those very pronounced masculine features.

Perhaps like you, I still feel externally out of place when appearing fully female socially in public ( only around strangers, it's fine with other TS/Gs or friends ). Don't get me wrong, appearing female feels completely natural and normal inside, but I do get hyper-sensitive about my external appearance. I'm told that I look the part, but I still can't see it.... yet. Again, Rianna touched on this. And I'm still new to presenting differently to the world ( only 2 outings in public so far ). It's only fair that it will take time I suppose. My therapist tells me this is normal too.

Now, I really don't understand this well, but I liken it to an onion growing, there are layers of confidence that are being added to constantly. Be it from GD, or something else, I'm not fussed. Just happy that it's happening. I just went out shopping for a smaller handbag or clutch for a night out tonight. But I couldn't bring myself to walk out the door appearing masculine. So I wandered out appearing more andro than I ever have before, and consequently ate up all the stares and glances from people trying to figure out what I am.

I badly wanted to wander out fully female, but currently feel too fragile to deal with ridicule if I don't pass among complete strangers. Again, I don't understand why there's a difference. A night out appearing female with familiar company? Sure! Absolutely! But a trip out to the supermarket or department stores appearing fully female, or public transport, that scares the bejeebers out of me. I suppose it's the last real hump to get over...

I'd appreciate any insight into this too... I observe that many start this way.

[SarahMarie42]

And now I'm back to thinking that everything I see is real. Great. Once these threads start to get past a certain point, they end up doing insane amounts of harm instead of good. I'm just. . . No.

[stefan37]

For myself I experienced constant and persistent anxiety. Do not think about labels and how you might fit those labels. (I myself have gone through many different stages to get where I am today) I think you may be putting too much pressure on yourself and how you should present or act. Relax a bit and see what you can do to help alleviate what you are feeling. Experiment and explore to find what may make you feel more comfortable. The reason you are getting so many different responses is dysphoria effects all of us differently. Some of us get depressed, others experience anxiety, etc. There is no cookie cutter to this.

I know it is not easy and there are external pressures added to our internal pressure to be one way or another. It took a fall off a roof followed by colon surgery that propelled me to disregard what others thought and follow my heart. and even that took a few years before I saw a therapist to finally start to figure it out. Do not give up we are all here to support you and the road to self determination is rocky and rutted.

[Debglam]

To me it is kind of like static or white noise that I hear all the time. Sometimes it is painfully distracting and sometimes I don't notice it. Another way to describe it is a constant awareness of gender that I guess CIS people don't feel. I believe it was Julia Serrano who wrote that she never approached a bathroom without looking at the sign/symbol on the door and contemplating which one was the "right" one and which one she had to use. A minor thing but when I read that it was something that I do all the time. Something that I would guess a CIS person never thinks twice about.

[SarahMarie42]

That actually helps a lot. . . that's kinda what I feel.

Anytime I take on the masculine role, I always feel these forces pushing me away from it. It's like trying to push the corresponding poles of two magnets together. You can forcibly hold it in place, and you can get each of the poles to touch, but you will always feel resistance. Only, in this case, the resistance grows stronger and stronger over time.

I'm sorry I occasionally go off like an M-80. This problem is consuming me.

But, you know what? I think the best way to solve the problem is to continue to experience life, and place myself in those situations which force me to come face-to-face with my feelings. To feel that constant resistance and never have any doubt, but know that I'm working toward a stable life and constructing a platform from which I can journey to become whatever it is I decide I am.

Update: Right now, though . . as I feel that I have been labeled as definitively male by a friend of mine. . . and I fear that I won't be seen as anything else. . . I literally feel like tearing my own body apart with my own hands. Ripping it away. -.-

[sandra-leigh]

A couple of days ago, I had to describe what a variety of physical pain felt like to me. There weren't any words, and I had to approach it very indirectly and poorly.

I wore a denim skirt to my dentist yesterday for my root canal. I did not have to, and if it had had been a nasty cold wind outside I would have worn my thicker (women's) jeans. But the skirt was comforting at a time of stress, just to have it on even through I wasn't thinking about it. And what would have bummed me out big time is if I had felt that I "had to" look "male".

Early on, once I had bought forms and wig and makeup, I went out a few evenings with the intent of looking like a "desirable" woman. Definitely not trying to "pick someone up" or even "lead someone along", but I wanted people to look over and smile and think I was "attractive". (I had gone through decades of people using me for my brains and disappearing once their question was answered, and I needed to exert that I was a "sexual being" with human needs, not just a robot.) Well, in response I got a couple of polite compliments, but it was also clear that people saw right through. A couple of women I knew vaguely came over to talk to me when they never had before. And so it was that I began the process of facing up to the fact that no matter how much makeup I wear or how well it is done, no matter what wig style, no matter whether I trade my glasses for a different style, no matter what the clothes, that "I" am easily recognizable from a good distance away, even in poor light. And further, something I never ever expected, that people like me better and are willing to socialize with me more when I am in femme mode or publicly transgendered mode rather than when I was being a guy.

I cannot make any promises at all that when you are fully enfemme that people won't say or hint something that indicates they have seen the male body underneath. A few lucky people have "got it", almost no-one recognizes them or sees the male body. I am at the other end of the extreme, that very few do not see the male body at a glance, even though my features are pretty in-between (except maybe my nose. And hair line.) But what I can say for me is that once I got past those first disappointments of a guy saying "sir" when I was vamped up, I realized that my life was better when I went out where I wanted the way I wanted, better if I was blended-me all the time, instead of trying to compartmentalize into "woman must be hidden" 'him' and "I am NOT a man!" 'her'.

"Transition" has different aspects for different people. For me, a lot of it has been about trying to become one person all of the time, whom-ever that person turns out to be.

In the city I live in, the biggest response by far that I get as I go out in a skirt or dress, is non-interest. Not "I'm not going to look!!" or "Weirdo! but I don't have to deal with him", just ... background. Just another person. And if one is going to be "just another person", one might as well be the kind of person that suits you.

[Rogina B]

Its a desire to be the opposite gender that grows in importance in your "to do list" climbing to the top 20 - to the top 10 - to the top 3 - and to the number 1 spot - and you can't ever get it off your to do list.

It goes away when you are highly distracted. We all have times where life sweeps us up into an escape.

It goes away when you act like, live like, and become like the other gender.
It goes away when you take steps to become the other gender, but comes back when you stop taking those steps.
Very well put and describes some of us that are nontransitioners.As long as some of us have the freedom we need to "act like,live like,and become like" then we don't have a meltdown.This is why I feel strongly that a "possible TSer" has to be out to their immediate family[household] in order to even experience enough of it to know how serious they really are toward actually transitioning and all that comes with it.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

sarahmarie

try to look at all the disparate answers as one fundamental truth...which is that gender dypshoria is a very difficult thing to deal with, and as UNIQUE INDIVIDUALS, we all feel it differently, and we even communicate what it feels like differently, and we COPE with it differently...

what you describe is consistent with what others say even tho there are lots of differences...focusing in on too much at once is common among us and its counterproductive...
it will cause you to misremember things and cause you to judge yourself which i can notice in some of your posts....

do not let yourself down that path

...you are a totally normal and totally unique person

...try to be kinder to yourself and allow yourself to express the true you in whatever form she takes... you can be yourself, whatever that entails...start slow, take it day by day...give yourself some well deserved warm fuzzies and see what happens..

[SarahMarie42]

I've just realized that everything I've expressed is consistent with what lesbians feel, and to deny the validity of anything I've expressed could only come with ignorance of the existence of the broader gender spectrum -- I fall on the female side of the spectrum, but I've historically been a bit of a tomboy, and I'm still into girls. It seems that those mtf transsexuals who deny the validity of feelings like mine ignore the existence of all women who don't fall into a perfectly feminine, cookie-cutter mold, as they themselves feel they fall into that mold. Firstly, I've never been aroused by simply imagining myself as a woman. I'm aroused by the thought of relating to myself as a woman sexually, understanding the bodily needs I have and how I want to feel, OR (and lesbians report this frequently themselves) the idea of assuming the role of another woman. This is all consistent with the feelings of cisgendered lesbians. As for "failing" to display consistent "girlish" behavior during childhood? Not being obsessed with princesses and castles and glitter? NEITHER ARE LESBIANS, IN MANY CASES. If we were to assume that my birth gender were female instead of male, the amount of gender non-conformity I'd show would be equivalent to that of a relatively effeminate lesbian, not, say, a transman.

I need to stop falling prey to the ignorance who are incapable of recognizing any "queerness" outside of their own and follow my feelings.

There are transwomen who are, outside of their transsexuality, just bread-and-butter straight girls with no ancillary "queerness" whatsoever. However, there are also transwomen who are not bread-and-butter straight girls and do have some ancillary "queerness". They're women too.

Long story short, this thread was a misguided attempt at reassurance. It was simply an insecure attempt to match my experiences with the experiences of others in order to achieve some kind of certainty. I don't really give half a damn about who in what community thinks my feelings are valid or invalid or what social concept of the "community" it imprints in the minds of others, or how that's going to make the topic more complex than it would otherwise be if all transgender/transsexual people grew up as bread-and-butter little girls who were obsessed with ponies and princesses and wanted nothing more than a dashing, loving husband to sweep them off their virgin-white slippered feet in marriage someday -- or how it will enrage all in that category because they don't want to risk any messiness when they are known to be transgender. I really don't. I think that all of those things are childish.

I don't know why I worry about the interpretations of the rest of the trans-community when I'm better at breaking the relationships between verbal and non-verbal concepts down than pretty much everyone I know, and can separate gender as an identity and core-foundation from gender as a social construct -- because I have subtlety of mind.

Long story short, my insecurities about my feelings are stupid, and, while I came here seeking help and reassurance, and appreciate everyone's time and effort in attempting to advise and consult with me -- no one knows my feelings NEARLY as well as I do, and it's possible that I don't exactly have the words to describe them to you all in such a way that you would understand them perfectly.

So, I won't

-Sarah-