Hiding behind gender

[Frédérique]

We had a decent snowstorm in Kansas yesterday, and today I had to shovel out the driveway. My sister admonished me to “be careful” because I “wasn’t getting any younger.” Yes, sis. I bit my tongue, not daring to bring up her unblemished lifetime record of never helping me with the heavy chores, the heavy lifting, or the dirty work that males are expected to do. I began to think that she can hide behind her gender, but I can’t. You can see my crossdressing as a way to re-dress the balance (pardon my pun) and sooth a troubled, restless spirit...

Not all boys and girls are created equal, but in my family girls are girls and boys are supposed to be boys – I somehow escaped my masculine imprisonment and lived to tell about it. I have two older sisters, and they hated to do chores. My father needed yard and garden workers, but my sisters soon learned to hide behind their gender, tie themselves to my mother’s apron strings, and leave dear old dad to his own devices. Disappointed, my father tried again, much to the chagrin of my mother, and I was born, late in their lives, as a boy. Joy! We have a slave...er...worker!!!

As soon as I could stand up, my father handed me a rake and pointed me towards some leaves. He had me driving his garden tractor forthwith, which led to mowing lawns, chopping wood, digging holes, shoveling snow, and all sorts of things that boys do. I was sensitive and emotional, but there was nothing to hide behind – my mother’s apron was occupied, remember, being used to shield my sisters from their overbearing father. It all came down to me, and I could feel the pressure. I was shy, but that didn’t put a crimp in my boyish chores – at least I could somehow create a space for my imagination, daydream about being a girl, and let this impossible idea take root...

Anyway, here we are, many years later. My sister lives in happy idleness, and I do all the heavy lifting. I do the cooking and cleaning, too, if only to avoid open conflict when (or if) I dare to complain how unfair things are. Come to think of it, it saves time. If my sister DID help me to shovel out the driveway, I’m sure she would beg off with an injury within five minutes, and I’d have to take care of her. Sigh. That’s OK, I don’t mind, but she will express her guilt over my boyish work load. I just smile though clenched teeth, knowing full well that I’m on this Earth because she (and her sister) wouldn’t dare use a rake, or a shovel...

It would’ve been nice to have been born a girl, but I’m sure my father would’ve turned me into a tomboy, if only to get the lawn mowed, and I would have developed, stunted, in a parallel universe. Would I have decried my tomboy existence, and sought refuge behind my gender? I wonder. As it turned out, I can’t hide behind anything, but I want to. Desperately. Being male by birth I’m expected to stand out in front, accept my lot in life, and not complain. My hands will always be calloused, with dirt under my cracked fingernails, and my shoulders will always be muscular, like iron bands. Never mind, I’d rather do the best I can, be the girl I never was (in private), and somehow deal with these generational inconveniences...

My need to crossdress, M to F, grew out of my circumstances. I have emotional wounds, like every boy and girl, but I’m not allowed to express my pain. This necessitates some selfish action, which, in my case, involves crossdressing. It would be very nice to be a girl. I think. However, I can slip out of my gender, by way of appearance, and get behind my new “self.” I’d like to be alone, and not be bothered by male things. There’s a lot of female in me, at least that’s a very convenient explanation for how I feel, so I naturally gravitate towards the gender that is never OUT THERE, by my side, toiling in the fields. I’d much rather be inside, away from the drudgery, letting the males do it (whatever it is)...

But, I’m a boy, and I have to “man up” (as TGMarla said). Physical labor does have its rewards, along with a sense of accomplishment (which leads to other manly virtues both good and bad), but it crimps my MtF style, don’t you know. Right now I’m huffing and puffing after my snow shoveling excursion, pouring out my feelings in words, holding out my hand, praying for a gesture of compassion...

It’s nearly impossible to be a male, either hetero or gay, and not feel this gender unfairness, i.e. how come I gotta do it? I shouldn’t complain, I know (I’m a male), but I wish people would recognize that there is a legitimate basis for MtF crossdressing, outside of the "official" reasons. If you’ve worked hard all your life, like I have, it’s extremely wonderful and important to assume the other gender, inside and out, and hide away from being male, if only for a short time. Growing up, I couldn’t hide behind my birth gender because nobody would let me. Therefore, I had to eventually express myself via crossdressing, and carve out a niche for my true self...

Please don’t get upset - I’m just trying to see things from a different angle and explain how I became a crossdresser. Can anyone relate to this idea of hiding behind one’s gender? I’m shy and quiet (believe me), but I have nowhere to hide unless I put this dress on and change the "playing field" in a significant way...

My sister just told me to clean the snow off of the satellite dish so she can watch TV! Yes, sis. Well, she can’t do it – it may upset the whole gender dynamic...
:doh:

[PaulaQ]

Women get stuck with an unbelievable array of unpleasant tasks, traditionally. I *hate* shoveling snow and dealing with the yard, and I realize that I got the better end of the deal, in this case.

I think for a lot of us, being a girl is kind of like going someplace on vacation. Living there is a totally different experience. (Ladies who are fulltime can feel free to correct me if I'm mistaken.)

[tiffanyjo89]

I think this is part of the problems that arise from "traditional" (read: old-fashioned) upbringing of children to think that the yards are the man's domain and the kitchen is the woman's. Also, boys being trained to "not cry" and be rough and tough, then girls get older and wonder why the guy they are dating doesn't talk to them about stuff and doesn't want to listen. Sure, it's partly chemistry related to the sexes, but also partly the man being told that he should not, under any circumstances, express emotions and never actually learned how to listen to a woman.

[kimdl93]

Well, everyone's circumstances is different, as is each person's reaction to those circumstances. In my case, I viewed my many chores on the farm as a way to disguise the other part of me that was clearly not entirely acceptable. I still don't mind doing these things, since I have a certain skill set and physical capabilties that my wife doesn't have.

[Beverley Sims]

Frédérique,
I shovel the snow, chop the wood, maintain my satellite dishes 5 of them, the largest 16' in diameter and repair the house.
I am fortunate I can do most whilst dressed. I avoid the dishes, cooking and housework.
That's women's work and I have one that does that for me.

(Immediately duck avoiding shower of kitchen utensils thrown from the forum.)


I can see what it is like having a sister pick on you, does she know you dress?
Obviously you find solace in dressing and probably not very aggressive, therefore you accept things and meekly go and do it without conflict.

I am not going to say man up because that can be unkind.
If you take a stance do it in little steps.
Refuse the occasional request others will stop and think momentarily and will not tread all over you.
It will take time but it will work.

Your interest in art and beauty has not gone unnoticed by me and maybe the rest of the family lean on you unfairly because of it.
It would be nice if others appreciated what we do sometimes.

[Angela Campbell]

Funny...when I was a kid my older brother did the yard work and took out the trash, while I always helped in the kitchen, did the laundry, and cleaned up.

[Lorileah]

I can see what it is like having a sister pick on you, does she know you dress? Is this the first time you have read Freddy's threads????

[KellyJameson]

Gender is not the reason but your shyness as an attribute of submissiveness, so you submit to the dominant personality and temperament of your sister.

You see this same dynamic often in marriage between men and women where the wife rules the man so "wears the pants"

Something that I suspect is very prevalent here on this forum.

It is not the psychology of gender but the psychology of dominance and submissiveness that decides relationship dynamics.

Crossdressing and submissiveness seems to go hand in hand for many but is labelled as being feminine which shows the discomfort men have with admitting that they are actually submissive not feminine but label the submissiveness as feminine.

Something I suspect that must irritate woman who do not like submissive men but pleases those woman who see the self serving advantages to being able to dominate a man.

[Frédérique]

I can see what it is like having a sister pick on you, does she know you dress?

Yes, she knows I dress… :rolleyes:


Is this the first time you have read Freddy's threads????

That’s OK, Lorileah, I don’t read Beverley’s posts, either (except for this one)… :heehee:


Gender is not the reason but your shyness as an attribute of submissiveness, so you submit to the dominant personality and temperament of your sister.

It’s a younger brother-older (first born) sister situation, but my point is that my sister, for example, will hide behind her gender if the situation calls for it, and use it to her advantage. I could very easily also say that men hide behind their gender so they can avoid being emotional or compassionate – in other words, each person stays within the allotted boundaries of their gender, which makes MtF crossdressing that much more difficult for people of either gender to either accept or understand…

If I wasn’t so tired from shoveling snow I would elaborate! Try me again later on… :whew!:

[carhill2mn]

For many years I have resented the idea that men are expected to do certain things even if they do not want to or like to. The "assuming" that they are supposed to do something is what really bothers me.

[Barbara Ella]

Yes, we seem to be born into things, and we then go out of our way to gain things we were not born into, but actually were. So we bear the brunt of the accepted male behavior which must be taken care of, and is actually a willful exercise for the most part., and it likely goes unrecognized that internally we are dealing with the actions of both that are thrust upon us, and searched out.

Kiss your older sister, and thank her for consistency. An inconsistent sibling can drive one to drink.

As a father of two daughters, who think much like your sister, I appreciate the feelings. Now if I could just get the son in laws to help out the old man.

Oh, and if possible, consider a snow blower, save your heart for the more important efforts.

Barbara

[flatlander_48]

It is fascinating how we can manipulate with the use of gender differences. I'm sure that my ex-wife used these tactics, or attempted to, but for the most part they just bounced off. Not sure if I spent conscious effort in thinking about it (it has been many years now), but on a certain level, it was Shields Up!

I had my first experience with a man 16 or 17 years ago. It seemed pretty clear to me that I wanted the experience from the standpoint of the passive partner. In other words, much like we often think the defined role for women is, sexually speaking. It was a surprise learning as to how easily I could use sexuality to manipulate. Or to put it another way, how willing my partner was to acquiesce to my desires. While clearly unexpected, it was extraordinary insight as to how the process goes. However, as we've seen from Ms. f's description, it isn't a good place to go. It's a deep, dark funky place that is best kept at a distance...