looking for courage

[cub1]

Hi,

I am new to this site. I am looking for advice and support.

I am a cross-dresser. It feels so good to write it and say it. I am currently a closet cross-dresser, but I have decided to join this site to look for encouragement to go outside. I hope you will share your experiences and let me know what to expect (good or bad).

This is my story. I started cross-dressing when I was 12 years old. I was curious about my mom's and sister's clothes, so I sneaked into their bedrooms to find out what clothes they wore.
I started picking up things and trying them on. I felt very comfortable and I started to feel sexy too. Soon I started to pick up underwear and not just dresses. Eventually I dressed up as a full femme with make up and everything. Of course my fantasies never lasted more than a couple of hours and it was always indoors. I never dared to go outside.

In college, I had roommates so I was scared of sharing my cross-dressing. I never did, but when I moved to an apartment where I had my own bedroom, I started to dress-up again. At that time I started ordering online dresses, lingerie, shoes and makeup. I remember putting all of that on and feeling super sexy. Of course, it still only lasted a couple of hours, so it was still frustrating. That's when drinking became a part of my cross-dressing routine.

Now, I live alone and college is a thing of the past. I have started to cross-dress, but only inside my apartment and I still drink a lot. I feel that if I go outside my drinking issues will go away, but I am scared.

I am looking for advice. Please, tell me that you faced similar issues and you succeeded and now you are happy.

[Julogden]

If you're somewhere near a city large enough to have a transgender support group, get in touch with them and take advantage of the support. Support groups made a huge improvement in my life when I finally started attending meetings and taking part in group activities. Don't get dependent on alcohol, that's just going to make things way worse. You don't need booze to live the life you want to live.

Don't let fear run your life. There are plenty of people out there who are more than willing to tear you down for dressing, so don't help them, don't beat yourself up over this. I know that's not very specific, but that's the basic realizations I came to in order to take the first steps out.

Carol :hugs:

[Davena Doll]

Ya drinking and crossdressing dont mix. I started drinking at 35 and CD at thertyeight. I never mix the two. I hope this helps.

[docrobbysherry]

Cub, I need to ask u this, "Why do u want/need to go out dressed?" I can't pass. So, for me, going out in vanilla land dressed holds no fascination only terror for me. I can shop comfortably and effortlessly in drab. I don't need to worry about scaring SA'a and little children. As I would dressed!

Don't get me wrong. I love going out dressed. But, only to TG friendly venues or to meet other dressers. THAT makes any and all of my fears quite worthwhile!

U need to decide WHY u want/need to go out dressed? When u can answer that, maybe u won't need to drink and dress!

[PaulaQ]

Hi cub,

Your crossdressing probably isn't related to your alcohol abuse, nor will going out en-femme fix that. Alcohol is it's own problem. I know, I've been sober >20 years. I was pretty confused about all this when I was young. (Heck, I'm pretty confused about it now - I just don't drink anymore.) I blamed my desire to CD on alcohol. (This was a flat out lie to myself - a "liar, liar, skirts on fire" type of lie...) I denied it, buried the feelings, drank a LOT, crashed and hit rock bottom. (You know it's bad when your friend comes over and says "you know, I've know drug addicts who kept their apartment nicer than this...") I sobered up (this was hard), but I never honestly dealt with my feelings about crossdressing. Well, they are back, I'm dealing with them now, and it isn't actually easier.

I don't think resolving your feelings about crossdressing will magically make any issues you have with alcohol go away. Unfortunately, you may need to deal with that AND your feelings about your identity. (Believe me I can relate, it is really hard when things are intertwined like this.)


Don't get dependent on alcohol, that's just going to make things way worse.

QFT - there is no problem you have that's so bad that alcohol can't make it worse. It will definitely not help you resolve your feelings, which I am sure are quite conflicted. (Why wouldn't they be? This is tough for many of us!) Quite the opposite, in fact. Anyway, I don't mean to preach at you, and if you want to PM me, I'm happy to talk more. But if you feel you have a problem with drinking, odds are pretty good that, you do. There is lots of help available for this, and it is definitely way better to deal with it sooner, rather than later.

Deal with both, and I can promise you that your life will be heaps better. (Don't be an idiot like I was!)

Take care of your self,

Paula

[Wildaboutheels]

I don't drink. Never have...so my opinion may be worthless...

Your post makes it sound as if you blame your drinking on your frustration?

Are you ashamed that you CD? Or ashamed that you are afraid to go out? Or both?

IMO, you need to give up the drinking or at least separate it from the CDing before you even think about going out dressed. While going out dressed is perfectly safe [despite Forum MYTHS to the contrary] going out dressed while under the influence is just asking for trouble I believe.

I think a more important Q is WHY do you need to go out and WHY do you think this might curtail your drinking? Many here I believe want to go out and "pass" because they are ashamed or feel guilty. IF they can go out and "pass", then obviously they are not "crazy" when they look in their mirror at home and see an "attractive woman". The thing is, just because one goes out and no one says anything, doesn't mean one "passed". "Society" is not out there looking to bust CDers, contrary to another Forum MYTH. ONLY CDers are out there trying to bust people. A "normal" person has nothing to gain by looking for or busting CDers. Many of the CD busters here don't even know one of the simplest and easiest ways to bust a MtF from 100 feet away and no amount of padding or body shapewear can hide it.

I think what you will find, is that you can dress any way you want to any degree you want and go out in public w/o any problems whatsoever as long as you treat people with courtesy and respect. And don't slink around like you have just robbed a bank.

[Beverley Sims]

Don't blame drinking on your obsession to dress, they are not related at all.
If you have a drinking problem I would seek help for that first.

[Jenniferathome]

Well, except for the drinking, you are quite typical. Going out is not nearly as difficult as we make in in our heads. It is far easier to go out with a friend. I promise you that there are people here on this site who are up for a meeting in a purely plutonic way. Just reach out. Once out, act like you belong there. You'll have fun.

[Lorileah]

cub, post an introduction in the intro forum, get 10 posts, then you can join other ares here that can help you with support. I too believe the drinking and CDing are two different issues, but we can help with the CD part

[Angela Campbell]

Drinking does not give courage. It allows you to make bad decisions. When dressing and going out you need to make good decisions. Join a local group and start slow. It is a lot of fun and is safe.

I joined a local group and it has helped me a lot and the outings we go on are some of the most fun I have. It is difficult to go over the threshold of the closet and it is made easier to have others with you.

[BillieJoEllen]

I myself don't normally drink unless I'm dressed. Then its only a glass of sherry or wine.

[flatlander_48]

Now, I live alone and college is a thing of the past. I have started to cross-dress, but only inside my apartment and I still drink a lot. I feel that if I go outside my drinking issues will go away, but I am scared.

I am looking for advice. Please, tell me that you faced similar issues and you succeeded and now you are happy.

One of the things that you will find is that no two of us are the same. Any way that you can think of to characterize people will likely find a match here somewhere. As you can tell, there are some with a fair amount of similar experiences and some that have no similar experiences and some that have a few. In any population, this is how it is going to turn out. However, what is special about this particular population is that we all understand how it is to be consciously outside of society's norms. Sometimes that's OK but other times it is a painful burden. It's just how it is.

Many years ago, I supervised a group of a dozen engineers and technicians. Being an engineer myself, I understand how the technical mind works. We like to Know. We usually can't tolerate a lot of ambiguity and we like things that have a distinct beginning, middle and an end. While I am similar in some ways, I am distinctly different in others. I discovered that I didn't really like telling people what to do. I can if necessary, but it isn't my preferred way of doing things. Instead, I prefer (why, I don't know) to point out what needs thinking about. If I have done my job satisfactorily, folks will come to the appropriate conclusions.

So, if you could choose, what would like your life to be like? Give it serious thought, not just a 15 second fleeting smirk. Think about how you would like to interact with the world. Perhaps not 100% of the time, but if you thought about the things you do in daily life, how do you go about them? If we are standing beside a river and we want to get across, if we can't think of ourselves on the other side, maybe it isn't possible to get there.

Don't underestimate the value of professional help. From what I've read here over the last few years, MANY people have been helped a great deal. Just remember that there is a way through the maze. It isn't easy, but but it is doable.

So, we're glad to have you and hope you hang around for a while...

[jenni_xx]

Hi cub

You will, in the main, find positive encouragement from members of this site, who all share a commonality with you - a desire to dress. Some seek to take this further - to present themselves as female in a public environment. Others may well just say to you, and quite rightfully so, that you should only do what you feel happy with.

I don't want to jump the gun, but you imply that your crossdressing and drinking are now part of the same routine. Perhaps it is your drinking that is giving you the courage, or rather reducing your inhibitions. If so, then this is not a good thing. Whenever you do drink, always have in the back of your mind - would you go out dressed in public if you were sober. Even in a state that is influenced by alcohol you will know the answer to this question. And if the answer to this question is no - you wouldn't go out dressed when sober, then do not go out dressed after having a few drinks.

In my humble opinion (and it is only that - an opinion), you are beginning to associate drinking with your cross-dressing, and thus, perhaps subconsciously, beginning to think that if you do something such as go outside dressed, this will result in your drinking subsiding. That won't happen. At the moment, your drinking is probably resulting in you feeling more confident, and because you are attributing that confidence with dressing, then dressing is now becoming the key to you drinking. Of in other words, a cycle is being created. In your mind, you are wondering if overcoming one (drinking) will result in the other (crossdressing) prospering. That however is an illusion that you are creating in your own mind.

One (drinking) is not related to the other (crossdressing). You are just allowing yourself to get into the psyche of believing that to be the case.

Put it this way - one is good for your health, the other is not. Crossdressing can be a part of you, and can result in lowering stress levels for example. The other, drinking, need not be a part of yourself, and can (and will) result in health problems should you continue. One is a habit that is formed (drinking), the other (crossdressing) is a part of you that can not and more to the point need not be cured (and much more to the point need not be subdued), but simply enjoyed for what it is in it's own right.

I would advise you (in my humble opinion) to form a distinction between the two (crossdressing and drinking). I would advise you to embrace one (crossdressing) and do without the other (drinking). Do not go down the path of aligning the two together. For that will only cause you problems in the long term.

[Helen_Highwater]

Many folks here have reported that their early ventures into the outside involved a night time drive to somewhere quiet where they could experience being outdoors with out the fear of coming into contact with others. Obviously drinking and driving are not compatible so you are denying yourself an opportunity to start overcoming your fears and frustrations. It's how I first ventured out and while I've not got to the point of being fully out in public during the day I have reached the stage where I will find a not too busy (but busy enough to afford a degree of safety) public space in the evening and spend time just walking around.
"Dutch courage" and CD'ing don't mix. Not that long ago having been out (in drab) for a few beers with friends once home that little voice in my head persuaded me it would be good to dress in my new wig and coat, skirt and boots, put on a bit of slap and lippy and go for a walk out from my front door. For someone who is desperate to keep my CD'ing secret from the neighbours this was a stupid thing to do. Thrilling but stupid. Won't happen again, lesson learned.

[CynthiaD]

Hi Cub:

I'm a recovered alcoholic, 37 years sober last Christmas. Deal with your drinking first. The problems you will encounter as a crossdresser are insignificant by comparison.

[Michelle M]

Yup. Stop linking drinking to dressing. I've been down that road, and it's nonsense. Deal with the drinking; if it's not a problem yet, good. Slow down with it and do some gardening or something. If it's a real problem, get some help. It will destroy you. Trust me on this!

Dressing is not the problem. It's not "A" problem, unless you truly don't want to dress but can't help yourself. Have fun with it, just don't break the bank. If you want to go out, one way to start is baby steps. Get a pair of jeans you really like, and wear them out. Then get a femme top, or shoes. Then a necklace. You can work your way into it and your confidence will grow.

[nhlighthouse]

Why waste all your money on a liquid that will only last a short while, you will not remember half the things you do and would want to forget the ones you do remeber.. when you could spend your money on clothes and shoes that will bring many more hours on personal pleasure and you will want to remember what you did and where you went.
Just my opinion and it does make alot of sense!

[suzy]

Give up the notion that drinking is a part of crossdressing. Not so, in fact it hurts way too often. First step is to not mix the two, second is to get drinking either entirely out or way under control and then tackle the issues you expressed with dressing. Good luck sweety!

[Michelle13]

I wouldn't rely on the alcohol for the courage to dress up, but as for other inspirations to dress and go out I can't help you there because I too need help with that.

[AmyGaleRT]

First of all, Cub, welcome to the forums. Glad you came here looking for advice.

Now, the first thing you ought to do is quit the drinking. All that drinking is no good for you, and will ultimately cause you more problems than it solves. Besides, why spend all that money on booze when you could be spending it on clothes? :) (Me, I can't drink. I have gout, and even one drink will leave my feet in as much pain the next day as if I'd tried to run a marathon in my heels! :eek:)

After that, spend more time working on your femme presentation; your dress style, makeup, hair, etc. If you like, you can even post pictures over in the Picture & Video Gallery and get lots of both compliments and suggestions for improvement. While you do, pay attention to how it makes you feel. When you're feeling confident in your appearance, going out won't feel like so much of an issue. That's kind of how it was for me; I had finished doing some photos one night with full makeup and presentation, and there was a bag full of trash that needed to be taken out to the dumpster, so I did! I still remember the clicking noise my boot heels made on the asphalt, the cool night breeze against my legs and under my skirt, the moon overhead softly lighting my way. And the sky didn't fall in. Later, I got to a point where I could go through a drive-through and even into a supermarket. Nothing bad has happened.

But yeah, you gotta do it in that order. Give up the booze first, then work towards going out. I hope you make it. :)

- Amy

[cub1]

Hi again, it has been a couple of months. Thank you so much for your advise and words of encouragement. You are all correct in that mixing alcohol and cross-dressing is not a good idea. I guess it all started because I would dress up and just sit in my living room and drink.
Now, I think I need to slowly incorporate my dressing into my daily routines. For example, I have started to wear panties and tights to work everyday. I will start looking for a support group to share my cross-dressing in that environment.

Some of you asked why I wanted to go outside in public. I guess deeply inside I want to not only feel sexy but have other people, strangers, point it out.

Thanks again and I will post more updates as they happen.

[Danielle8533]

First of all, Cub, welcome to the forums. Glad you came here looking for advice.

Now, the first thing you ought to do is quit the drinking. All that drinking is no good for you, and will ultimately cause you more problems than it solves. Besides, why spend all that money on booze when you could be spending it on clothes? :) (Me, I can't drink. I have gout, and even one drink will leave my feet in as much pain the next day as if I'd tried to run a marathon in my heels! :eek:)

After that, spend more time working on your femme presentation; your dress style, makeup, hair, etc. If you like, you can even post pictures over in the Picture & Video Gallery and get lots of both compliments and suggestions for improvement. While you do, pay attention to how it makes you feel. When you're feeling confident in your appearance, going out won't feel like so much of an issue. That's kind of how it was for me; I had finished doing some photos one night with full makeup and presentation, and there was a bag full of trash that needed to be taken out to the dumpster, so I did! I still remember the clicking noise my boot heels made on the asphalt, the cool night breeze against my legs and under my skirt, the moon overhead softly lighting my way. And the sky didn't fall in. Later, I got to a point where I could go through a drive-through and even into a supermarket. Nothing bad has happened.

But yeah, you gotta do it in that order. Give up the booze first, then work towards going out. I hope you make it. :)

- Amy

I agree. Quit the drinking and then work on presentation. There are people out there that are willing to help. I got a very good local support through googling.

[cub1]

Hi Danielle, thanks for the advice.

It is hard to get rid of the alcohol influence, but I think I am making progress.

I hope I will be able to participate more often on this forum and use this a starting support group.

[AmyGaleRT]

Cub, the underdressing is a good idea if you want to do that. But your full presentation is important if you want to go out into the world, as a woman, and be accepted or at least tolerated.

Since I posted my last message to you, I have been out many more times. I have gotten my hair done, I have shopped at supermarkets and Walmart, I have walked through a mall in broad daylight. I have pretty much been cured of my fear of being out as a woman. I don't worry about whether I "pass" or not; I just go out with confidence in myself and confidence in my presentation. It shows!

I've also started attending a local meetup group with other CD ladies. It's good to see them each month, and nice to be in an environment where I can feel like "just one of the girls." If there's a group like that near you, I highly recommend it. There's nothing like real face-to-face interaction to help you feel better as your femmeself.

And yes, keep posting here! Ask questions, share your experiences, and learn from what you read. If you feel the need to talk privately about something, I or many of the other ladies here will happily answer a PM. Don't worry; we're all women together here, and we want to help.

Good luck to you! Here's hoping we see reports of your first successful outing soon! :)

- Amy

[CherylFlint]

Look, you don't have to listen to me, or to anyone, but obviously there's a problem wth alcohol.
Only you can decide whether you want to continue to drink, but if you want some advice from somone who has been there, done that, just quit the drinking. Stop, like this instant. If you really want to quit, and are not lying to yourself, it'll be piece of cake.
Same with smoking. Drinking and smoking really ages you, really age your skin like you can't believe. Every cell in the body is affected, and it really shows on the face more than any other place on the body.
As far as going out and "passing", my advice would be to find a lingerie store where they sell masdectomy bras and pads and ask for a fitting. I thought I was a "D" but the sales lady sold me a "C" and she was 100% right. I wear Jodee bras, real masdectomy bras with no worry of the pads slipping or falling out.
Call a Mary Kay or some other place that sells makeup, ask at the mall, go in the mornings.
As far as dresses, skirts, try thrift stores to see what works. Go to the mall and see what girls wear that are your age to get a good idea.
Remember, to goal is to "pass", and if you do it right, it's easy. Remember that the more often you put on the makeup, the easier it'll get and the better you'll look.
Get dessed and get an opinion and ALWAYS have someone take pictures of you. A photo is a lot better than a mirror.
When first starting out, you've got to have a girl, woman, saleslady give advice so you can get it right without wasting time and money.
The greatest feeling in the world is your first "passing". Mine happened at a department store when a mature sales lady said "May I help you?" and she really thought I was a woman! Oh my oh my, but was that ever fun!
If you want to stay home and play mind games with yourself, go for it, but if you realy want to do the Cross Dressing the way that gives the most satisfaction, is to get out there and "pass", fool them all. You may not get it right the first time, or even evey time, but it'll be fun trying.
Have fun with it. Relax. Remmber, most people don't pay that much attention anyway.
Good luck. Let us know how you're doing from time to time.
We were all in the same place you are now. It takes a lot of guts to go out the door wearing makeup, a wig, pads and bra, girdle, stockings, heels and carrying a purse while in a business suit, or a skirt and a blouse.
Advice on shoes: novice CD'ers wear too high of heels. I wear 3/4", although I own 3" but never wear them out anymore, except around the house once in awhile.
A CD is an actor, the world is our stage, and we do the part of a woman. If we play our part correctly, we fool the audience.