Where am I going with all this?

[Valerie8204]

Hello all
Went to see a gender therapist for the first time yesterday. I had been to see therapists before but had never opened up at all about being tg. I decided to let it all go and bare my soul to this woman I had just met 5 minutes earlier. It was very cathartic and felt really good. I guess now what I'm asking is what's next? Is transition the answer? I've lived with this for 34 years of my life and I don't want to lie to myself. Scared to hell about this journey I'm beginning but also strangely liberated too. I guess everyone here has been there in some aspect, right?

[Rianna Humble]

A single visit to a therapist is highly unlikely to allow you to have asked yourself all the relevant questions to decide whether you are transsexual.

In my not so humble opinion, what's next is that you start to discover who you are and which questions you have avoided asking yourself. Then you go back again.

At the stage you have described so far, transition is possibly one of the questions, but I don't see any indication of why it would be the answer after a single visit.

[Laurie Ann]

I agree with Rianna's eloquent explanation

[Valerie8204]

You're absolutely right the more I think about. I'm definitely going to keep going and see if it helps me figure out where I am. You're also right about the avoided questions cause that's me in a nutshell.

[KellyJameson]

I think the hiding of ones inner world and living in secret not only from others but yourself is part of the harm that we do to ourselves.

There often are huge amounts of shame and embarrassment related to the feelings.

I was shamed terribly in childhood for doing and being what came natural to me so you learn to hide yourself from view thinking that you are "wrong" on the most fundamental and at the most basic level.

Gender is who we are at the core of ourselves so when your gender is violated by being shamed than your core self is shamed so to escape this shame you reject yourself and spend your life living apart from yourself as if your very existence is a threat to you.

I think this is when the seeds of dissociative disorder are first planted.

Therapy may lead you to transition because as you accept and discover yourself the desire to be "real" becomes very strong but the same therapy will also give you a calmness that comes from understanding and relief from your own inner conflict so you will be mentally better positioned to decide what you can and cannot live with.

If you find yourself fantasizing about being a woman ask yourself if this is a male fantasy of owning a woman as a man by turning yourself into one.

If there is any chance this is true than admit it immediately to your therapist and explore this closely.

Fantasy can be a big part of gender dysphoria because you build a world inside to survive the one you cannot live in outside so fantasy can save your life but you want to be sure this fantasy is driven by identity and not male sexuality masquerading as identity.

Gender dysphoria is not about fantasy, it is about identity as the expression of your soul, of your core self.

There is no shame in having this fantasy but there will be great pain for you if you make this fantasy "reality".

I have seen "transsexuals" turn their bodies into performance pieces that are clearly driven by male sexuality born from fantasy.

Stay true to your real motives and you will be safe.

Do not change until you have turned every stone over and looked under it no matter how painful.