Distractions and Coping -- Desperate

[SarahMarie42]

This is not going to be a thread about sorting out feelings. This is not going to be a thread about how I'm wondering if x disqualifies one from being TS or not. That is not what this is about. This is about coping with all of these worries and doubts and finding some way to distract myself so I can go on living life. All of my responsibilities are going unfulfilled. My life is falling by the wayside, whether it is a life I want to live as a woman or not, it's collapsing. These worries have intermingled with my BDD and both have reached such an intensity as to incapacitate me entirely -- every time I think I can't possibly be a woman, or I see something which I view as irreversibly masculine, I literally want to claw my own face and body apart . . . not even joking. I want to dig my nails into my flesh and clear it off of my bones. I can't keep living this way.

How the hell can I distract myself for the time being so I don't lose everything? I don't want to lose those neutral-gendered elements of my life I enjoy too . . . I still want to have a stable foundation to work with.

Any thoughts?


P.S. After reading through the responses and getting some ideas, I think I'm going to take a break from the forum. I need to keep this off of my mind for awhile.


Lorazepam sure is helpful, though >_> <_<

[Michelle03]

I just try to never be by myself. Work, family, friends, anything. I know its hard to want to be around people sometimes but i have always just forced myself to do it. Wrap yourself in something you enjoy. Go at it 100%. Learn about something new. Help someone less fortunate than you. I have found the feelings never go away or get better but this is how i have survived. I cant say if it will work for anyone else. Im sorry people feel this way. I used this meathod since i was 9. I look back and cry thinking that a child was able to survive that. People care for you wether u realize it or not. Just take care of yourself. Xoxo..........Michelle

[Melissa Rose]

Sarah, I am going to blunt and to the point. I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear, or if it feels unsupportive or lacks understanding, but that is not my intention. It pains me to see you struggling so hard, but you are fighting multiple battles which is often a losing proposition.

Based on your other posts, you need to immediately find a professional therapist with some background in transgenderism. Run, don't walk. You are facing and fighting with deeper serious issues and problems that need to be addressed before even thinking about transitioning or taking on any aspect of transitioning. Living full-time, whether actively and fully transitioning or not, is already an extremely difficult and challenging journey with plenty of pitfalls, sacrifices and surprises along the way. If the rest of your life and mental state is not in decent order, the journey becomes even more difficult. It takes all of your energy and fortitude to deal with transitioning especially in the early and middle stages. It is highly unlikely a compentent gender therapist would approve or recommend any form of a major transititioning step until you addressed your OCD and some of the other challenges you are struggling with. Please seek help and get your overall life in order before taking on any more burdens.

[SarahMarie42]

That doesn't lack understanding at all, Melissa, and you're being blunt because you want me to get the message. Only shows that you care.

I agree with you, and plan on taking said steps. I'm really just wondering how I can get myself in line for the time being, so I can achieve the minimal stability necessary to line up these appointments and continue my studies.


And here's the deal: I know i'm a girl, that's just who I am. All I'm trying to figure out is. . . am I a girl who can occasionally pretend to be a boy for the sake of convenience? Am I a girl who can express herself in social situations even if in a boy's body (so long as those around me know me internally as a girl, obviously)? Am I a girl who can still navigate a sexual and romantic life in a boy's body (that one has, so far, been a "No")? Am I a girl who can take on the role of a boy to further her career?

Those are the questions I'm asking now. I no longer doubt that I'm transgender -- I must only contemplate the severity of my feelings and possible courses of action. :]

I need to quash this OCD and BDD crap too, in the mean-time, maybe occasionally pretending would be easier if I didn't have all that to deal with?

I'll only figure this out with a clear head.

[stefan37]

Well if you want a clear head Lorazepam will not help you keep a clear head. I discontinued alcohol and other substances prior to hrt to ensure my judgement was not clouded while I made the difficult decisions. You need to get a hobby, get involved in social or civic groups, or concentrate more on work to help distract you while you sort through these issues. A qualified therapist should be your first priority. Relax and take it easy, you have your entire life to sort these issues and then take action to help alleviate your discomfort. No one said it would be easy, and transitioning will not cure the other issues you are experiencing such as your ocd and it is possible that condition will cause greater discomfort as events fail to unfold as fast as you would like them too.

[Bonnie Lawrence]

I would echo Stefan37's concern about Lorazepam and other similar anti-anxiety medications. They are only meant for short term treatment of anxiety. They are very addictive and not a good long term answer. Most physicians now tend to prescribe anti-depressants that help not only treat the depression but also reduce the anxiety that often accompanies depression. Find a knowledgeable therapist who can also refer you to a psychiatrist who is current on medications and also knows something about transgender issues. Best wishes.

[SarahMarie42]

I must have stirred some anxieties over my use of Lorazepam xD

I have a physician's prescription and its use has been approved by both my psychiatrist and my general practitioner. I've been using the same bottle (qty. 60) for the last several months now -- my psychiatrist actually thinks I'm underusing because I could very safely take it more frequently and further mitigate my anxieties and pain.

[Beth-Lock]

Dear Sarah, Though I have never taken Lorazepam, (I guess I am of the Valium generation, Valium being an earlier minor tranquilizer of the benzodiazapine family), sometimes when you get the sort of psychological tensions you describe, an anti-anxiety medication is quite useful. Valium, being a muscle relaxant as well as an anti-anxiety agent, is useful for to help break-up the vicious cycle of muscular tension resulting from physical tension, feeding back and increasing psychological tension, resulting in the end in bad nerves. I would trust your psychiatrist's judgement, since he has met you face to face -- over random advice from the Internet, from those who only see you through a narrow aperture of a sentence or two of text. Of course there are other medications a psychiatrist can prescribe, but if you have an agitated depression, anti-depressants might not be a good choice, though they seem to be the snake-oil of our time, a seeming remedy for everything. So, again, your psychiatrist may know better. I hope you are keeping him up to date with what you are feeling these days though. You shall be in my thoughts.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I love lorazapam...it improved my quality of life so much..
i carry it with me always... just having it around actually helps me stop the feelings that caused me to take it ....

therapy is your short term grail sarah.

What you are feeling around your gender is not going away. So you are well served to deal with it directly. Other mental health concerns can be independent or related but none of us have any real insight into that other than to say it seems like you are trying to deal with them, and because they are real issues as well, you have ALOT on your plate..

from afar it seems you are doing your best and have a constructive viewpoint..you want to do whats right for you..you want to improve your quality of life

you seem self aware in a good way..thats a very good thing for dealing with your gender issue and its a sign that you will be able to have a positive therapy experience...

therapy can give you the coping skills you'll need to deal with your gender issues... one easy quick coping skill i developed was one type of feminine expression at all times...i let my nails get a little curved for example, and i'd sit in meetings and stare at my hands... i had a fossil bracelet that was a woman's bracelet but could pass for a guys.... that kind of stuff actually did wonders for me in the time period where i felt really trapped...


if you can focus on finding a good therapist and getting in quickly that can also help you mitigate your gender feelings... alot of us have found that the simple act of "progress", no matter how small, can quell the worst feelings and keep you functioning at a high level while you figure things out...and getting into therapy is real progress..

[suzy1]

We can never have everything we want in this life. I want to be young again. I want to be beautiful. I want to be a millionaire. I want to be a formula I driver. I want……and so on.

If you can’t accept this and it gets to you then you need help, especially if it is seriously affecting your life.
Even I support the advice to get help from a professional for your own good!

Or try to accept you as you are. Something we all have to do.

[SarahMarie42]

Well, we may not be able to have everything we want, but we can still have some things we want, and determining what those things are and the healthy steps which we might take in order to achieve them, leads to happiness.

Like. . . even if I do become a prominent mathematical economist, I will still wish that I could have also been an anthropologist, a constitutional lawyer, a physicist, and a pure mathematician, but I can't do ALL of those things. I have to pick one. It's an opportunity cost -- in economics we assume unlimited wants as a given. :]

[kellycan27]

I threw myself into school and work . Full load of courses, worked full time and picked up as much overtime as I could get. School, work and sleep. It didn't leave me much time to dwell.

[Debglam]

Sarah,

My dear friend Melissa is right and by talking this out with someone that "gets" this trans stuff I think that you will find some peace. I also highly recommend an exercise routine. A long run or a long bike ride will do amazing things for your perspective as well as your physical health. I get outdoors and do SOMETHING every day and even the crappiest days are a little better. You have to love those endorphins!

Debby