For those whose SO didn't accept -

[PaulaQ]

When were you sure that they'd never be OK with your CD?
What was your first hint?

Sorry, not a very fun thread. But pertinent for me, I expect.

[RADER]

My first wife was dead against me wearing anything Fem. I got hurt at work once, and
had to wear a back brace; It was a lot alike a corset with strings to pull tight. This was
custom fitted by a doctor, and I had to go back every 4 weeks for a refit. They would
re-bend the steel boning in the back to fit the contoured of my back.
Well I liked it so much that when I did not have to use it anymore, I still continued to use
it. My wife got so mad, she through it out on me. So I ordered a all in one shaper, and
when she saw that, guess what, she through it out also. After 9 years of marriage, and 4
years of trying to wear a girdle; we got divorced. Dressing in part was just the tip of the
reasons, but it was a sore spot for her.
Rader

[Julie Denier]

I was sure by my wife's reaction when she came home earlier than expected one day and discovered me dressed. Stopped dressing for a year-and-a-half, drawn back to it, being more careful now. Secrecy sucks, but the desire to dress is a stern mistress ;)

[katlee]

She has told me a few times that she will help get me clothes, but she never wants to see her man dressed as a girl. I have my own drawer of stuff that she provided.

[Julogden]

My wife was never accepting and refused to even think about any sort of compromise. Before we were married, she dressed me up as a girl for Halloween, and often would put nail polish on my toes, or would spray me with her perfume, messed around with my hair, and I took those as signs that she might be open to my dressing. I told her my secret after we were engaged but several months before we were supposed to get married so that she could back out of the marriage if she didn't like it, and she was initially slightly upset but didn't go nuts. She asked if I had any photos of myself dressed as a woman, and I naturally did, and she asked to see them. That was the turning point. She expected me to look bad, but I didn't, and she commented that she didn't like them because I really looked like a girl in them. That was when she lowered the boom, no dressing again, ever, not even partial dressing. I foolishly went along with her, thinking that being married would make a difference, but of course, it doesn't go away. After going without dressing for a couple years or so, I brought the subject up again, wanting to join Tri Ess, and she just dug in her heels, and it all fell apart over the next couple years after that, ending in a divorce.

Carol

[DeeGirl]

My wife had no acceptance but after our divorce every woman i have met since has been accepting and does not care. they are out there trust me!

[RenneB]

My first hint was when she yelled to me from the bedroom "who's boots are these?" They were a really nice pair of over the knee 4" heel black boots that I just happened to leave out on the bed by mistake..... this led to almost a confession but was pre-empted by "well I'm glad there not yours" she said..... Since then Renne's stuff is hidden.... very very well.....

Renne......

[Stevie]

My wife knows. She wants nothing to do with it. She realizes that my desires are not going away. Right now I'm allowed to dress on certain terms. Not all crazy about it but grateful for the time when I do dress. Of course she is not around.
My first hint was her telling me that she doesn't agree with it.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Paula, My wife of 49yrs. knows that I dress but just don't want to have to see it you know a DA DT kinda thing.
nothing hidden everything in three closets.

[mmarmstrong]

My wife had no acceptance but after our divorce every woman i have met since has been accepting and does not care. they are out there trust me!

I know you're telling the truth...I still can't really believe it though. :)

I once wore a pink g-string with lacy detailing for a special occasion as my underwear...when my SO and I were fooling around and I took my pants off, she was very surprised but not at all in a positive way....not impressed her man was wearing something so feminine. Needless to say, I was pretty disappointed but sadly not surprised.

[Dann12]

I had a series of pics of me dressed that I had told my (now ex) about. I told her where on the computer she could find them. I told her that if actually seeing me dressed was too hard and she felt that maybe easing into it was easier, there were these pics she could look at. They weren't all racey and stuff. Not a bunch of lingerie shots. Just me in some of my favorite outfits. 4 years after being out of the cd closet, and living the "keep it out of my face and we'll be fine" arrangement, she finally worked up the guts to peak one day alone. She said it made her sick to her stomach. Ironically, what made it hardest for her was 3 things: 1) how comfortable and happy i looked, 2) the fact that it wasn't me in some "fetish" clothes...confirming to her that it wasn't just some sexual thing, 3)my clothing size. This conjured up MAJOR self esteem issues for her because i fit into things she couldn't.

[Dann12]

My wife had no acceptance but after our divorce every woman i have met since has been accepting and does not care. they are out there trust me!

Indeed they are.

[JenniferR771]

The first hint was the string of profanity when she came home an hour early and I was wearing her clothes.
She is the dominant one in the relationship. But she has gradually mellowed slightly. She knows where I keep my stuff because she forced me to move it outside to my shed. She seems to be Ok if she is gone and I dress and take a few photos. One some occasions I can go to support group or meetings, provided I dress at the site.

[Confetti]

I hope its ok to post here,
My dear friend spent numerous years with a person who could never accept he catered to her every whim bought her what every her heart desired just for one day a year he could dress up.But she thought she was curing him because he never mentioned wanting to.He was so unhappy he gained weight piled into work hid from his friends and only confided to me until it fell apart. If a person is adamant about this being a problem get away from them your only hurting yourself. You have to love yourself more and if there are children involved it might very well be for the best not be in a relationship .
I will always question her truly loving him and it bothers me he could not see past all the the things she had to have.

[PaulaQ]

Here's mine:

She said to me: "As long as you aren't like J Edgar Hoover, wearing lingerie under your clothes because you need to feel pretty on a Tuesday - that would freak me out..."

I'd confided in her a little the day before. I don't expect I will do that again. That - that hit a little too close to home. Seemed kinda judgemental too. I realize, of course, that she is reacting on some level too. I think going from there to acceptance though, is a long and fairly uncertain path.


He was so unhappy he gained weight piled into work hid from his friends and only confided to me until it fell apart.

Sounds like a plan to me. Not thrilled about the weight gain, but piling into work - awesome. I'm there.

I greatly underestimated how few emotions I'm supposed to have in this relationship. That's the thing I believe I have overlooked. I am to be strong, and unflappable. I am allowed no crises. I'm feeling terribly hurt right now, although in the end, I know it's my own fault. I am saddened that she will likely never really know or understand me. That too is my fault.


the fact that it wasn't me in some "fetish" clothes...confirming to her that it wasn't just some sexual thing

Interesting. That would also make my wife feel more secure about this, indeed, from the little bit I've let on, that's her assumption.

Not sure what to do. Other than this, my wife is a really wonderful person. We work really well together - but I don't think we will on this. Also, I am not thrilled at the thought of starting life 3.0. I've started over from nothing once before. It was neccessary, but not much fun, and I was way younger.

I'm going to focus on not feeling anything for a while I guess, because I just feel so terrible right now. I feel terribly guilty already for how this is liable to turn out, too.

I appreciate everyone sharing - it helps. Thanks ladies.

[Stephanie47]

Early on in my marriage my wife found me standing in the kitchen drinking a glass of water while wearing one of her nylon nightgowns. She asked me why? I told her the truth at the time. I liked the feel of the fabric. We ended up buying me my own floor length gown, black. And, a tea length pink peignoir. I also ended up with some stockings and a garter belt. At the time it was strictly amorous bedroom play. When our son was born she requested I not wear the nightgowns to bed anymore as our son shared the bedroom (crib) in our one bedroom apartment. Ok, no problem. Years later when my inclinations developed to more than nightgowns, she could accept me buying slips, although there was no more bedroom play. When she saw that I had bought a Vanity Fair red bra and panty set for myself, that blew her mind. Ever since she has not wanted anything to do with cross dressing. So, it is DADT, which is fine with me. I would not want to push my cross dressing in her face.

[PaulaQ]

At the time it was strictly amorous bedroom play.
Yes, this seems to be a hard line for many wives. My wife could probably (barely) tolerate this, with a couple of drinks first, once every year or so.


So, it is DADT, which is fine with me. I would not want to push my cross dressing in her face.
My wife is not a DADT kind of a girl. Indeed, that's likely worse in her mind than just doing something she doesn't like.

[Wildaboutheels]

I don't have a disaproving SO but it is easy to see why so few accept it. Women are not "slaves" to their vision in the way that men are programmed to be after multiple thousands of years of Evolution. Few are easily "turned on" in any way by their OWN vision so they cannot possibly understand. And contrary to one of many Forum MYTHS, Love does NOT conquer all. SOs don't have to "accept" anything from their partner. We ALL have some kind of dealbreaker/s of one kind or another. Why would or should CDing be exempted from "dealbreakers"?

Regardless of the motives involved in dressing, some SOs do eventually come around and become "more accepting" in time. [according to reports here] It makes sense IF a woman is open minded and the CDer is sharp enough to maintain a pace comfortable for his partner. In time, she eventually learns the CDing does not adversely affect the Relationship in any way.

[PaulaQ]

I agree with you on all points wildaboutheels. Anyone who believes love conquers all needs to spend a day at family court.

I currently believe the rate of change needed for my wife to be accepting is likely greater than the remainder of my natural life.

[Rachel05]

Any time anything comes on TV that remotely involves men dressed as women, serious or fun, she can't stand to watch it and this was way before she knew she lived with a cross dresser, she rumbled me about three years ago now and she has not and will not accept me, she tolerates knowing, but she doesn't want to know, but she knows I do dress and doesn't tell me I need to stop, so I guess that is better than some!

[Lacey New]

More than a few times I would put on a pair of her panties and then show her what I had on and I would say things like "Is this what I have to do to get in your pants?" A little humor to lead up to intimacy. Every time, she would screech - "Take those off" "You look ridiculous" The reaction plus her generally conservative nature tells me that nope, it will never happen. So, I will never push the issue.

[michellecd9999]

When we were first married I would put on her panties as part of foreplay (after taking them off her!) telling her I liked the feel of the soft material. One time I put on her pantyhose and slipped into bed while she was in the bathroom. When she returned and we started kissing she felt my legs and freaked out telling me to take them off. Another occasion I put on a long nightgown and got a similar reaction that it made me look feminine and she did not like it. So I have kept it in the closet since then. She also makes negative comments about CDers or TGs on television.

[PaulaQ]

I can appreciate why this is a deal killer and a game changer for my wife. She didn't sign up for this, fair enough.

It is ironic, however, that she feels fine with making J Edgar Hoover jokes about me, but would storm out of the room if someone said something that was a racial slur or a remark against gay people. She thinks she is a very tolerant person. I don't think coming all the way out will be an especially productive conversation. In some respects, I wish I was telling her that I was having an affair, or was gay. I honestly think she'd deal with both of those things more easily. It would still be a *really bad* conversation - don't get me wrong. I think she sees this is worse though.

Of course, what one can tolerate in society, and what one can tolerate in one's own home are understandably different things.

[SandraInHose]

It can be tough for those of us in this situation. My wife and I reached a compromise that I can only wear pantyhose but nothing else...no other items. I went along with this compromise because hosiery is the end-all for me...without pantyhose I probably would never have CD'ed. She did want to see me dressed the night she discovered my secret, but only after many hours of talking, questions, and tears. She reacted not-too-badly, and I was thinking maybe this will work, but after another day or two of tears, etc, she laid out the compromise. She told me that if we hadn't been married so long (17 yrs at the time), and that if it weren't for me being such a good husband and father, that she would have divorced me on the spot.

Unfortunately, I have had a very difficult time not dressing. After a reasonable amount of time, I started slipping on one of her skirts, and would raid the bag of giveaway clothes when she cleaned out her closet. Over the past nine years since she learned of my other side, I have once again accumulated a decent wardrobe, but cannot let her find it or it's WWIII all over again. I feel terribly dressing behind her back, but as we all know, it's not something I can shut off completely. I would if I could, for her sake, but it's too much a part of me to ignore.

[sometimes_miss]

When she came home and told me she wanted a divorce. a week later, with the divorce info for her attorney, and told me to get my attorney to arrange contact. Yeah, that was it.

[PaulaQ]

She told me that if we hadn't been married so long (17 yrs at the time), and that if it weren't for me being such a good husband and father, that she would have divorced me on the spot.

That's really awful. :(


Unfortunately, I have had a very difficult time not dressing. After a reasonable amount of time, I started slipping on one of her skirts, and would raid the bag of giveaway clothes when she cleaned out her closet. Over the past nine years since she learned of my other side, I have once again accumulated a decent wardrobe, but cannot let her find it or it's WWIII all over again. I feel terribly dressing behind her back, but as we all know, it's not something I can shut off completely. I would if I could, for her sake, but it's too much a part of me to ignore.

One of my worries is that I have to believe that continuously lying about something over the course of years is going to corrode any relationship. How can you feel good about lying all the time? And yet being honest is a horrible choice too - she won't feel better for knowing. And at some level, isn't it lonely feeling that at some level, she just doesn't understand you at all, and worse, rejects you?


When she came home and told me she wanted a divorce. a week later, with the divorce info for her attorney, and told me to get my attorney to arrange contact. Yeah, that was it.

"'til death do us part - or something."

:(

[Rachel05]

Paula - that is a very good point that you make about tolerance, my wife is very tolerant in general of all walks of life, she in not racist in any way at all, gay marriage is fine with her, disabilities of any description do not phase her, in fact I cannot think of any other group that she despises like she despises cross dressers and like I say she was like this before she knew she lived with one - you kind of have to see the slightly amusing side of that !!

I was thinking about this last night after reading you original post and to be honest my life is easier now she knows, she doesn't accept and will never be part of it, but I do have more freedom to be me now than I had before and I don't hide my things like I used to, I don't stuff it down her throat either, but she would never want to see me dressed

[brandi.tgurl]

My previous SO found out a few months into our relationship going through my dresser looking for a pair of socks... i said, "top right drawer." she opened top left drawer- my panty drawer. oops. after she freaked out about who's underwear it was, i confessed that it was mine and that i enjoyed wearing them - among other clothing items, and accessories. i knew that if our relationship was going to survive, i had to be honest to myself about brandi, and to her. i shared some pics of me dressed with her, and expected the worst. but, with it out in the open, i felt a lot better. and eventually, my panty drawer became our panty drawer. i think at first she thought it was purely a sexual thing for me, because she would use it to start foreplay - and it was fun to role play a little - we continued that all through our relationship. but, it really was more that i enjoy looking and feeling feminine sometimes. it was a confidence booster for my soul - and really, girls clothing is so much more amazing than guys clothing. she quickly learned to accepted it as part of who i was. which was amazing. during the course of our relationship, she even bought me several nighties for birthdays/ anniversaries, undies, and even a pair of dressy boots in an effort to support it. she was never a big makeup wearer, but we would share tips about makeup once in a while, too.
Now accepting that i dressed, and liking that i dressed are two different things. There was a period where i was dressing almost every night for bed, and would get fully dolled up about once a week. I was never happier, but another conversation led to a small realization. while she supported my "hobby" and accepted it as part of who i was, she wasn't excited about it as i was. a couple of times when i left the house dressed up, she accused me of going out and cheating, when all i really had done was walked to the ATM at the bank down the street, went jogging, or took the car to get a carwash. in an effort to show otherwise, and involve her more in this side of me, i had suggested she join me on some of these outings. which she did. and then nothing was said about it for a while. until, i suggested we go out as girlfriends to a movie one night. to which she replied, she was okay with my dressing, and she knew it was part me. she loved me and if it made me happy she wouldn't stop me, but she said being seen with me dressed was awkward, and she wasn't fully comfortable with me when i was. i was never able to get her to fully articulate what that meant, but it did mean less dress up time for me. she let me continue undersdressing, and even encouraged it. and the reverse role playing never stopped being in our repertoire of bedroom shenanigans. but... i never let her see me in full drag, again. so, i say she was accepting because she allowed it and tolerated it, and aside from this, and one other talk, never said anything negative about brandi and me as her, and we shared our panty drawer all the way to the end. the other negative talk was that she liked my facial hair, and it had to go when ever i fully dressed - and she would comment/complain that i shaved it all again. i never felt like i couldn't dress, nor that if she caught me, i'd be in trouble for it, or she would be offended. I just was more respectful of her time with me, and dressed when i knew she wouldn't be around, and that seemed to work just fine. I would have liked to have her been more supportive of me getting out as brandi, but i was just grateful that she allowed brandi to exist within our relationship.
the important thing was my being honest, and her response to that. as well as her honesty on the matter, and my response to it. its interesting in retrospect, but this was one of the issues we actually found a successful compromise to. the key was learning the boundaries of each others perception of brandi.

[AllyCDTV]

My wife likes the actor David Duchovny. A while back I was watching old Twin Peaks episodes. It turns out that Duchovny's network TV premier was on that show playing a crossdresser. Without giving her any details, I asked her if she would like to see Duchovny's premier. She said yes so I showed her the first scene where he appears in drag. My wife said, "Now you've ruined my image of him" and stormed out of the room. I knew at that point that if she ever new I was crossdressing, she would never look at me again the same way again.