Obsession

[Anne2345]

Today is no different than any other day.

And like every other day, my gender issues have taken front and center stage within my thoughts, emotions, and mind.

I just can’t escape the thoughts. I can’t escape the thinking. I can’t escape the obsession.

It dominates me.

I wake up thinking about it all. I go to sleep thinking about it all.

At work, at lunch, at the grocery store, at the mall, at Chuck E. Freaking Cheese for crying out loud, it doesn’t matter. The thoughts are there. The thinking is there. The thinking is always there.

My brain needs an on/off switch.

Sigh.

[*Vanessa*]

I Anne - yeah I am familiar with those 'thoughts' the brain keeps snapping on as well.

I only want to say that unfortunately there is an off switch that many use and hope the ones thinking about that off switch get help before it's too late for them.

Van

[SarahMarie42]

I know what you mean. . .

I bombed a test on one of my best subjects the other day -- Constitutional Law

A subject I LOVE.

Why? Because I've been too consumed with my issues to even remember to eat -- let alone study!

It sucks, and I'm still just trying to figure myself out -- I'm not nearly as far along.

[LeaP]

I wake up thinking about it all. I go to sleep thinking about it all.



My God - and you're complaining? LOL!!!

[Ceri Anne]

yep, even as a casual Cd, not TG or TS, these thoughts and desires fill my mind always. I think its a good thing.

[aussie cd]

join the club sister!

[SarahMarie42]

I think she means to say that her constant awareness of her gender dysphoria and its incredible intensity are interfering with her ability to even function. It doesn't have anything to do with daydreaming about womanhood, it's more like being torn apart by conflict and worry.

:[

[Kittie]

This is commonplace. I feel your pain. :thumbsup:

Things are moving along for many of us, let's hope we someday reach a point when it an be put out of the mind (if it ever can?).

[Pamela Kay]

Welcome to the club sister!

Things seemed to clear up after I started hormones then after a couple months the static in my head seemed to come back. I have a lot of trouble concentrating and the day's that I feel like I'm making progress and accomplishing something at work are far fewer than the days I just do what I can to get by.

I've been on hormones for 14 months and full time for over 4 months and its still not getting any easier. I hope it does one day soon. If I stumble across any miraculous cures I'll be sure to share.

[Nicole Brown]

Anne, if you haven't already consulted with a therapist, I strongly encourage you do so. I went through what you are experiencing and after working with my therapist I have been diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria and will begin hormone treatment within the next month.

Just working with my therapist has helped me to better understand and accept myself. While acceptance and understanding are not the total solution to my issue, they have helped me face myself for who I actually am.

Now that I understand why I was always having these feelings my life is easier to deal with. Once I began to realize that all of these needs, desires and feelings are quite normal for a woman, or a person who should be a woman, my healing began. The hormones will just be the icing on the cake....

[Rianna Humble]

Today is no different than any other day.

And like every other day, my gender issues have taken front and center stage within my thoughts, emotions, and mind.

I just can’t escape the thoughts. I can’t escape the thinking. I can’t escape the obsession.

I went through this shortly before beginning my RLE, it gets to the point where you can't function for thinking about who you are and what you need to do.

The only on/off switch I know of is more like an "Emergency Shutdown" button. Problem is, it's a devil of a job to reboot afterwards. :eek:

The only way I found to attenuate the thoughts prior to transition was to actively plan my transition, that way for short periods after the active planning, the thoughts receded into background chatter.

Once I had started my RLE, the thoughts faded to a manageable level and starting hormones has pushed them further down.



these thoughts and desires fill my mind always. I think its a good thing.

If thoughts are constantly filling your conscious mind as Anne describes, that is not a good thing, it impairs your ability to function.
Unfortunately, if you have not experienced this level of impairment, it is difficult to understand what Anne is saying.

[LeaP]

If thoughts are constantly filling your conscious mind as Anne describes, that is not a good thing, it impairs your ability to function.
Unfortunately, if you have not experienced this level of impairment, it is difficult to understand what Anne is saying.

:yt:

At its worst at work, I was escaping to a locked server room a dozen or more times per day to decompress. I couldn't concentrate at all.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i regularly took my lunch by sleeping in my car in the parking lot...i couldn't bear talking to people and when i went to the lunch room with a big group of people, it felt almost like an out of body thing..i was that uncomfortable...

---------------------------
you do have an on off switch!!!
unfortunately the "off" switch is labeled transition

...there is also a dimmer but it doesn't always work as well you'd like...

[Sara Jessica]

A friend of mine likened this to the white noise on a television set (back in the day...do they still do this?) when it isn't tuned to a proper station. Some days it is quite loud, others not so much but it's still there all the time to some degree. It may seem simplistic but one's ability to cope with the noise and to function with some semblance of focus speaks volumes about an individual's need to pursue transition.

[SandraV]

The white noise analogy is the best way I've found to describe this. Some days it's unbearable. Some days, while still there, kind of annoying in the background, yet low enough to allow life to go on. Unfortunately those "unbearable" days have become too frequent lately. The impaired ability to function and impaired ability to enjoy even the best moments scares me. I don't know if therapy is the answer, but I am hopeful it will be a step in the right direction. To the OP, all I can offer is say that I'm right there with you...

[melissaK]

It's Monday.
I should be editing briefs for jr associates.
I'm not.
What am I doing?
Obsessing over my own gender issues.
And today sucks.
The weekend was long and discouraging.
My hope for self happiness is flickering in the gusting winds of my life.
I clearly have no aswers for you Anne.

[SarahMarie42]

I'm able to distract myself by intellectualizing and trying to make other people laugh. Sometimes this ability to achieve distraction causes me to doubt any speculation as to possible gender-dysphoria, however, which leads to obsession in all circumstances outside of the aforementioned two. Meh. Who the hell knows? It'd probably be more convenient if the earlier speculation DID turn out to be incorrect, at least.

[Janelle_C]

I just can’t escape the thoughts. I can’t escape the thinking. I can’t escape the obsession.

It dominates me.

I wake up thinking about it all. I go to sleep thinking about it all.

This is the part that's diving my crazy, the more I try and turn it off, the it say oh hell no you don't! I feel like my mind is going to explode sometimes.

[~Emma D~]

It’s there day after day, month after month, year after year. To me it’s akin to the sound of drums in my head being constantly there. Somedays are more pronounced than others and their becoming more and more frequent, and those are the days that I’ve been finding it difficult to deal with.

I’ve hit crisis point twice in 2013 up to now, and I have to make it stop for my sanity.

[Laurie Ann]

I too understand what you are experiencing. My gender issues seem to run like a movie in the back of my mind. I cannot control it it is constantly on even anti depressants of a variety of size shape a d dosage do nothing to help.

[Anne2345]

I clearly have no aswers for you Anne.

As always, Lissa, you know I appreciate you, girlfriend!! But I am not looking for answers, because I already know where the answers are. What I know is that I cannot go back. I also know that the status quo, as always, will ultimately become unsustainable again. So that leaves only one option - to move forward. The answers can only be found in moving forward. So move forward I shall . . . .


yep, even as a casual Cd, not TG or TS, these thoughts and desires fill my mind always. I think its a good thing.

Um, ok. I am happy that you believe it is a good thing for you. But it is not a good thing for me. In fact, it is a very bad thing. It is a debilitating thing. It can be psychologically and mentally crippling. Rianna Humble, as always, nailed it in her response . . . .


join the club sister!

I'm not sure what this means . . . .


This is commonplace. I feel your pain. :thumbsup:

Things are moving along for many of us, let's hope we someday reach a point when it an be put out of the mind (if it ever can?).

Thank you, Kittie! And I hope so, too - for us all! :-)



If I stumble across any miraculous cures I'll be sure to share.

You had better share, or I will hunt you down!! I have my sources, you know!! You will not be able to escape me!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


Anne, if you haven't already consulted with a therapist, I strongly encourage you do so. I went through what you are experiencing and after working with my therapist I have been diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria and will begin hormone treatment within the next month.


Been in therapy over these issues coming up on two years. My therapists have worked absolute magic with me. If you think this post was bad (which it's not), you should see some of mine from a year ago. The difference between now and then is night and day. As for HRT, I'm already on HRT . . . .