Why do I feel the need to dress.

[Stevie]

I am confused. My wife a I got into a heated argument today. It started over a misunderstanding of our agreement we made together about my dressing. During the argument she told me that her dignity was compromised. I told her that I'm taking the risk by telling her about my dressing. We went back and forth about that and then she asked if its ok to dress then why do I hide it. I am at a lost for words. I love to dress, how the clothes feel on me, and my heels feel like they were meant to be on my feet. But coming out in public in not a option for me. Even though I feel comfortable dressing another part is embarrassed. If it was ok then why don't I share it with everyone. If I can't share it then why do I think this is fine to do. I can't answer this and really have no one to talk to about it. I know that more than likely the people around this stereotypes cding as being gay and perverted. I am neither but to my wife I'm putting myself in that category. She knows I'm straight and love her but she can't understand why I'm doing this. This puts me in at a crossroad. I want to dress but I want to make my family happy too. If I can't dress in front of them then why do I dress. I don't understand.

[PaulaQ]

Why does there have to be a reason? Its just something you feel very strongly, there is a part of you that needs this.

As for hiding it - that's easy, not many people over 40 accept this, and to come out often means being ridiculed, and starting your life over, whether you wanted that or not.

BTW people would be more understanding if you were just gay or bi. I firmly believe this.

[Stevie]

There has to be a reason to justified it. Yes a part of me needs this and never felt so strong about it. Otherwise I would have never brought this up to my wife. So if it was more accepted in public then there would be no issue. But it isn't and yes I'm over 40.

[ReluctantDebutant]

I don't know whether or not you consider yourself a fetish cross-dresser or if you just get caught up in the sensual feeling of the clothing. I can only tell you the conclusion that I came to when I had this existential crisis. I was feeling confused as to why I seem to love wearing these clothes but I could not bear the thought of sharing this with the world. One day I looked in the mirror and it dawned on me that it for as much fun as of the clothes provided for me this is not how I truly wanted to express myself to the world. For being at home and in private this was perfectly acceptable for what I desired from the clothes. It is just simply my private fantasy and it is quite perfectly natural to leave it as such. To not go out among friends and family enfemme was not out of some fear but because I knew that it wasn't how I wanted to express myself to them. It would just have felt wrong as a representation of me to the world. I don't know if this helps. But there is nothing wrong with keeping fantasy separate from reality often times fantasy is simply not for public consumption.

[PaulaQ]

There isn't a reason. It is simply how you feel. There are lots of things that happen for no reason, if you really think about it. Maybe we'll understand someday, but not today.

Emotions are not subject to reason. They simply are, and having no good reason to do this changes nothing about your feelings. There are heaps of good reasons not to do this, it isn't easy.

Perhaps your answers will be different, but for me, as I've looked at this in myself honestly as I can for the first time, there is no reason. It simply is.

[Being Paige]

My wife is not that supportive even though she accepts my dressing to some degree. We also have made some agreements that have been misunderstood at times. I look at my situation as that of being a teenager all over again only being a CD instead. I know that there are times when I push the boundaries and am called out on them. That is why you must always communicate, get the miss understandings dealt with.

[Lovepython]

For me this isn't a option. I suspect you are the same.

The first time I touched the forbidden fruit was when I was around five. I put on a pair of nylon stockings. This wasn't a big moral decision I made. It felt right and I did it. I don't know where this comes from but I consider it a part of me. I have every right a GG has to express my feminine side.

Now as far as sharing it with the world, this is a different matter. Much of the issue is I can't present a pretty version of me. It looks strange and there isn't anything I can do about this. I'm happy with my male body but when it comes to making it pretty it doesn't work. I'm not prepared to embarrass myself or those around me. This isn't something I'm going to share with the world except maybe at Halloween. Same with family. This isn't a part of me I'm prepared to put out there. This has nothing to do with feeling guilty or wrong about expressing my feminine side. It just doesn't look attractive and it's like watching a train wreck. You can't help but stare and say "oh my."

Unless some miracle happens and I find a passable pretty version of me (or maybe an androgynous version), I'll keep my feminine side at home where I can openly express it or in public by underdressing.

I don't think you should feel weird or guilty. There are masculine and feminine people in the world and for many it coincides with the sex parts they were born with. Then there are the gray areas. People like us who although we are born male, there is a compelling feminine side that needs (dare I say demands) to be expressed. The goal is to enjoy it, get comfortable with it, and accept it.

Best wishes to you and your SO. I know it can be challenging and difficult. At least it's out there and you two are talking.

[ReineD]

Even though I feel comfortable dressing another part is embarrassed. If it was ok then why don't I share it with everyone. If I can't share it then why do I think this is fine to do.

Because you've been socialized as a male from the time you were born. You began diffentiating and disassociating from females as early as grade school, when you and your friends convinced yourselves that girls had cooties, and you had clubs with 'no girls allowed'. This continued until your teenage years when you would havd DIED rather than do anything girlie in front of your male friends, let alone admit that you wore girlie panties.

That's why. You knew at a deep level that other males would not respect you and would make fun of you if they knew. You feared that girls would not like you if they knew. And also doing this caused a degree of internal conflict (between your own male identity and your feminine proclivities) as well. So it's really hard to wake up one day in your 40s and 50s and decide to tell the world to go stuff themselves, and you will begin to go out in a dress publicly. There is a great deal of bias against men who wear women's clothing in our society and there can be strong negative social consequences for dressing.



She knows I'm straight and love her but she can't understand why I'm doing this. This puts me in at a crossroad. I want to dress but I want to make my family happy too. If I can't dress in front of them then why do I dress. I don't understand.

I was immediately supportive of my SO when he told me, simply because as luck would have it I already knew someone who was married to a CDer and I knew their marriage was happy. Yet despite this, I also could not understand. How could I since I have no clue what it feels like to experience gender conflict or to want to present in a gender that is not my own? I joined this site in an attempt to understand, and 5 years, 16,000 posts later, I still do not think I will ever be able to understand. :p

You should ask your wife to join the forum and participate in the FAB (private Female At Birth section). She can read about it if she clicks on the ***announcements*** link in the FAB section on the Index page.

[Stevie]

I don't know whether or not you consider yourself a fetish cross-dresser or if you just get caught up in the sensual feeling of the clothing. I can only tell you the conclusion that I came to when I had this existential crisis. I was feeling confused as to why I seem to love wearing these clothes but I could not bear the thought of sharing this with the world. One day I looked in the mirror and it dawned on me that it for as much fun as of the clothes provided for me this is not how I truly wanted to express myself to the world. For being at home and in private this was perfectly acceptable for what I desired from the clothes. It is just simply my private fantasy and it is quite perfectly natural to leave it as such. To not go out among friends and family enfemme was not out of some fear but because I knew that it wasn't how I wanted to express myself to them. It would just have felt wrong as a representation of me to the world. I don't know if this helps. But there is nothing wrong with keeping fantasy separate from reality often times fantasy is simply not for public consumption.
It started as a fetish but has changed over the years. I don't have any desire to share this with society. I try to explain this to my wife but it keeps coming up if I can't tell others then how can say this is ok. I already told her that I only want to dress in private but it's not enough.

[Stevie]

Thank you Lovepython I agree with what you say, but my wife is throwing everything at me to make this as unpleasant as possible. I realized this is me and I enjoy it. Wish I can feel better about it. It's not fun with all the arguments.

[PaulaQ]

It started as a fetish but has changed over the years. I don't have any desire to share this with society. I try to explain this to my wife but it keeps coming up if I can't tell others then how can say this is ok. I already told her that I only want to dress in private but it's not enough.

Sometimes people are unfair and you have to lie to protect yourself. There are plenty of historical examples of this.

[Stevie]

Because you've been socialized as a male from the time you were born. You began diffentiating and disassociating from females as early as grade school, when you and your friends convinced yourselves that girls had cooties, and you had clubs with 'no girls allowed'. This continued until your teenage years when you would havd DIED rather than do anything girlie in front of your male friends, let alone admit that you wore girlie panties.

That's why. You knew at a deep level that other males would not respect you and would make fun of you if they knew. You feared that girls would not like you if they knew. And also doing this caused a degree of internal conflict (between your own male identity and your feminine proclivities) as well. So it's really hard to wake up one day in your 40s and 50s and decide to tell the world to go stuff themselves, and you will begin to go out in a dress publicly. There is a great deal of bias against men who wear women's clothing in our society and there can be strong negative social consequences for dressing.

You should ask your wife to join the forum and participate in the FAB (private Female At Birth section). She can read about it if she clicks on the ***announcements*** link in the FAB section on the Index page.

Reine you are correct. That's why my mind is in a tailspin right now. That did happen when I was growing up.
I can't show my wife this site. She will take it as going behind her back. That will make it worst for me. We both feel counseling will be bad too because we don't want people around here to know what I like to do. I do communicate the suggestions I get from here they have been helpful.

[nhlighthouse]

Very well put and I believe you hit the nail on the head!

[Jenniferathome]

I am confused. I want to dress but I want to make my family happy too. If I can't dress in front of them then why do I dress. I don't understand.

THAT is the conversation you need to have with your wife. There is not one answer. By the way, there can be no misunderstanding of the agreement if you really discussed it in detail. Go back to square one. Discuss the boundaries SHE can abide.

Good luck.

[ReluctantDebutant]

I don't know if there is any external source of justification that would convince your wife that this is something you have to do. This whole crossdressing thing can look crazy to someone who doesn't have anything similar going on inside them. All I can say is to try and better illustrate how this thing called Cross-dressing can make you feel. Explain to her that it is driven by emotion and not reason and in private and not out in public is as far as the emotion will take you.

[Jenny Gurl]

It almost sounds like she does not want you to be found out as it would embarrass her, so she tries to embarrass you enough to make you want to stop. When she asks why you don't go public it sounds like she is asking you to consider how embarrassing it would be for you. Some women get part of their identities from their husbands. Example, when they introduce their husband they like to use their titles. This is my husband the "doctor" "architect" "Pilot" etc. A woman in contrast does not wish to be thought of as less of a person because their husband is less of what society considers a "man". They would be as embarrassed for us to be found out as we would. I have never heard a woman introduce their husband as "this is my husband, he likes to wear women's clothing". There's an old saying, when you tell someone you are in the closet and ask them to keep your secret, you bring them into the closet with you. They then feel the need to hide these things too. I would respect the fact that she doesn't want to be embarrassed by you going public. We all know society does not yet accept gender variations nor do they understand it. This is why you chose to keep it secret. If you lived in a place that was heavily accepting and had many more public cross dressers, it might be less of a problem. A place like San Francisco or Key West Florida and you might have less of a problem. A place in the bible belt and there is much more pressure to conceal your dressing desires. They are real, they are probably permanent, and they can be harnessed for your benefit.

[Stevie]

THAT is the conversation you need to have with your wife. There is not one answer. By the way, there can be no misunderstanding of the agreement if you really discussed it in detail. Go back to square one. Discuss the boundaries SHE can abide.

Good luck.

Thanks Jennifer that's what started this. I asked her to dress on outside our agreement and when she said no I was ok with it, but one statement led to another and the next thing I knew we were arguing. I am not a good communicator. Otherwise I would be able to address this issue better. Needless to say I didn't break the agreement, but frustrated on her reaffirmation on where she stands.

[stacycoral]

Stevie, listen to Reine you can always help, truely hugs.

[Stevie]

Thanks Jenny Gurl. She has explained that exact thing to me. She told me that she can't talk to her friends about me and when she does she embellished it. When she told me that I felt like crap. I want her to be proud of me and wanting to dress is not helping. Living in this area has a lot of hypocritical people here.

[allesha10]

Stevie, I am not the smartest girl in any group, and each one of us has to deal with the discussions about our need to dress. I too am at a loss as to whether or not I really want to go out, but I believe I will never know the answer to that question until I do in some audience? Now is my wife OK with me going out, I do not know, we are just in the infancy of me coming out to her and talking though it all. I doubt there are too many gender girls that would truly understand the feeling and need we feel for dressing, even though they might be very nice and supportive. I too am like you I do not discuss Alesha well, but i have a very supportive wife, who I told about this site. The end of my rant is this, you are already working on this issue with your wife by asking all of us fro help, there are some great girls on here, many of which have already responded here, keep seeking the advise.

[bimini1]

Its just a tough one. Often the toughest issues a man can have. It feels so right, but to everyone other than us it is so wrong.

[Heather Daniels]

Its just a tough one. Often the toughest issues a man can have. It feels so right, but to everyone other than us it is so wrong.

Truer words have never been spoken.

[Beverley Sims]

You need to dress to satisfy an urge that only you have.
If you cannot share it with others keep it to yourself.
If you have come out to your wife you have at least shown some honesty.

[NicoleScott]

Because you've been socialized as a male from the time you were born.

Yes, exactly. Why else, when we first tried on that first piece of womens/girls clothing as a young child, did we do it behind a closed door?

[CD_DIANE]

I know that when I dress, I feel complete. I look in a mirror and it seems "right" (not GOOD, but right for me ).

In a way, some of your actions are done to protect you wife, family, (and you ! ) from the illogical ideas of society.

Diane

[linda allen]

I am confused. My wife a I got into a heated argument today. ................

That was your first mistake. Nothing gets solved by a "heated argument". You have to be able to back off, stop arguing, and then talk about things calmly at some point in the future.

We all feel bad to some extent about our crossdressing because society thinks we are mentally ill for wanting to dress as the opposite sex, yet we continue to do it for reasons we often can't explain.

Crossdressing in private hurts nobody. Now if you start prancing around your neighborhood in a miniskirt and heels, that may hurt your wife or children. It may affect your job.

We all have to figure out where to draw the line.

Try to stop arguing with your wife. Have calm discussions and if they start to get out of hand, end it and try again later.

[Stevie]

That was your first mistake. Nothing gets solved by a "heated argument". You have to be able to back off, stop arguing, and then talk about things calmly at some point in the future.

We all feel bad to some extent about our crossdressing because society thinks we are mentally ill for wanting to dress as the opposite sex, yet we continue to do it for reasons we often can't explain.

Crossdressing in private hurts nobody. Now if you start prancing around your neighborhood in a miniskirt and heels, that may hurt your wife or children. It may affect your job.

We all have to figure out where to draw the line.

Try to stop arguing with your wife. Have calm discussions and if they start to get out of hand, end it and try again later.

Linda you are correct. I stopped arguing and we picked up the conversation the next day. I really don't have any desire to show society how I look and she seems to bring that up. And what I'm having a hard time with is I don't want my son to see me dressed so how can I say it is ok. Part of me feels that this is wrong. As Reine said we are programmed at a early age. He already knows the difference.

[MysticLady]

Hi Stevie

I feel your pain my friend. My wife was the same for the 8 months after I told her also. She finally decided she couldn't deal with it and wanted a divorce. Needless to say that I feel betrayed and was lied too on my wedding day.(for better or worse,remember).We TGirls also have feelings about our special day. Anyway I decided to move out and be myself. I can't repress the woman within anymore so Im letting her blossom and Its feels so right. My wife would also tell me the same thing regarding coming out and telling everyone if it felt so right and I felt like that was a cheap shot since this was a personal and private matter and something I only shared with her. Oh well,life moves on

[Lacyfem]

This whole discussion just supports my decision to not tell my wife. You must have thought it through before you did knowing she would disapprove to some point but now listening to you I guess not. From most of societies point of view she is right as we are not a wholely understood group and I've heard my wife say men who like to dress as women are sick people. You must try to put yourself in her shoes and not literally. In another life I might not have gotten married but I did and I love my family and don't want to hurt or embarass them and seems you are in that position now. I don't think your wife wants you to come out to the world and you don't either so she's really trying to force you to "fish or cut bait". Your only hope now is to join a group or go online and do some research which somewhat goes into why we do and feel as we do. I enjoy being a man who enjoys being a gurl and think that's tough for many wives to understand. Good luck sweetie!

[Stevie]

This whole discussion just supports my decision to not tell my wife. You must have thought it through before you did knowing she would disapprove to some point but now listening to you I guess not. From most of societies point of view she is right as we are not a wholely understood group and I've heard my wife say men who like to dress as women are sick people. You must try to put yourself in her shoes and not literally. In another life I might not have gotten married but I did and I love my family and don't want to hurt or embarass them and seems you are in that position now. I don't think your wife wants you to come out to the world and you don't either so she's really trying to force you to "fish or cut bait". Your only hope now is to join a group or go online and do some research which somewhat goes into why we do and feel as we do. I enjoy being a man who enjoys being a gurl and think that's tough for many wives to understand. Good luck sweetie!

I did think this through and felt telling ber is better than lieing about it..I knew the risk and made my choice. Whatever the outcome I felt this w as the right thing to do.

[Maria S]

You may want to keep it private not because you are embarassed but you are unable to cope with others not being able to cope and showing their negativity. Why do you crossdress? It's just a part of your personality that cannot be withheld and should not have to be.

Maria

[Amie Marie]

I think the only thing I can add to all the great advise is be patient. Just the way we were programmed to act like boys, girls have cooties, and "take your sisters bra off that's immoral". Your wife grew up in the same society being programmed the same thing. just try and remember that what you are unsure of and why you do it she is also wondering why but has had a shorter time to wrap her mind around this. I wish you luck in your outcome and hope you well.

[Lovepython]

I was thinking about your situation a little more and had a couple of other thoughts.

Something I haven't seen is much detail on why your wife has issues with this. The coming out issue is a bit of a smoke screen that isn't addressing the root cause. There can be several deeper issues and if you and the SO can talk about these it might help her come to terms with this.

Some common issues SOs have that I know of are:
1. You want to become a woman.
2. You are gay.
3. She's feels like a lesbian because she loves someone who dresses like a woman.
4. She has to compete with you.

Number 1 & 2 are very common. Almost the very first two questions a GG asks.
Number 3 can be addressed in that you are still a man, just in womans' clothes.
Number 4 is more interesting and can be a little more subtle even for the GG. Let's look at this in more detail.

As we grow up from boys to men we are taught (by society and our parents) to be drawn to the feminine. The problem for us is we are not to experience it directly. The proper path for us males to experience the feminine side of life is through a female. Yes we can appreciate and enjoy the silky delicate clothes and even feminine emotions, but only through our girl friends and wives.

Girls learn this too. As they mature they learn these delicate sexy clothes are a way to attract men. It's part of the allure they have as women. When dating girls tend to dress up more and prettier.

So along comes guys like us. We've short circuited the path and for what ever reason we go directly to the feminine items of desire. No intermediary. Where does this leave the average female. Confused and threatened. They are supposed to be the peacocks. They've lost one of their primary tools in attracting men. Sometimes they feel they are competing for our attention (my SO has commented on this competition theme).

The other thing supporting the competition theme is often when we get dressed up it is very absorbing. It is so exciting the rest of the world melts away. We often turn introverted. We might be experiencing ecstasy, at least until the guilt shows up. Even if the SO is willing and accepting this can be confusing. They can still feel left out. I know I did this early on. My SO did complain about her feeling redundant in the whole affair (it's amazing she is still with me and puts up with my stuff).

These are just some random thoughts on some of the issues your SO might be feeling. If you are going to solve the problem you need to look deeper and try to understand how she is really feeling about this. The stepping out issue is just covering up deeper issues (in my humble opinion).

Open discussion is the key. These might be some topics to touch on. You really need to understand her perspective to progress past the hurdles you're facing. Don't get so focused on your side of the problem that you forget her feelings. If you can show her you are genuinely interested in her thoughts and feelings on this it will likely go a long way.

[ReineD]

Some common issues SOs have that I know of are:
1. You want to become a woman.
2. You are gay.
3. She's feels like a lesbian because she loves someone who dresses like a woman.
4. She has to compete with you.

I agree with all of your above points, except the motive behind #4. I never felt that I was competing with my SO in terms of which of us was the "most" feminine, if this is what you meant.



Where does this leave the average female. Confused and threatened. They are supposed to be the peacocks. They've lost one of their primary tools in attracting men. Sometimes they feel they are competing for our attention (my SO has commented on this competition theme).

This is closer, except that I (and I gather the majority of other wives & girlfriends) never felt I had lost my primary tool in attracting men. I always knew that I was attractive and desired by other men. The trouble was, I wanted to be desired by my SO ... who gave me the impression at times that he was more interested in his femme self, as you alluded to further on in your post.

I also very much felt as if I was competing with other women for my SO's attention. My SO gave me the impression that he was mezmerized by other women when we went out, and also with the friendships he was making with other women in femme mode. He kept eyeing them (more than the average male would) and at the time I did not understand that he was either studying their look or was wishing to have it for himself. I thought that he wanted them more than he wanted me, especially when it was combined with what was going on as described in my first paragraph.

So the solution for #4 is for the CDer to continue to make his wife feel as if he wants her, even when he is in a pink fog.

[jodie k]

i hear this word bambied around every once in a while--and i wonder what in the world a fetish crossdresser is--since it sounds dirty or something,

Anyway, i looked fetish up in several places, and i have decided a fetish crossdresser is a crossdresser ...period. Or, crossdressing is a fetish...period:doh:
take yr pick. To me its all the same.

if yr bound and whipped like some in BDSM, when do u decide its only a fetish...do you yell this out as the whip lashes.

[Lovepython]

I agree whole heatedly Reine.

On my side of the CD equation this has been my biggest mistake. Now I'm very much more attentive to my SO and do everything I can to make her feel involved, appreciated, and loved. It makes a huge difference.

We gurls can be quite insensitive when the pink fog rolls in. We become a little self centered and probably the best thing we can do is focus some attention on our SOs. The great part of this is it can be just sharing the feminine side we have in common. Win - win.

[Allison Chaynes]

Jodie, my understanding of 'fetish crossdresser" is someone who does it merely for sexual purposes only.

Lovepython, I like your approach and I have taken the same path. I think it's working quite well right now, time will tell. Acceptance isn't overnight.

[Stevie]

A fetish dressers ties their dressing to sex.
Yes there are deeper issues with my wife and I. My dressing started as a fetish. She didn't like anything tied to a fetish and I kept pushing it on her. Over time I realized it wasn't the fetish I was seeking but the desire to dress. Dressing today for me is not a fetish. . I feel comfortable wearing heels and skirts. So the main issues that pop up is what I did in the past to get to where I'm at today. I went behind her back and lied. I was wrong. So with that and her views she still loves me and is willing to compromise. Today I'm being upfront and honest. Because it started as a fetish it is only natural that she is tying it to a fetish.
The reason I went behind her back was to find answers for why I like the things I like and why she doesn't. I tried to justified it.the problem was I went to the wrong sites looking for answers. Now I found this place to go to I can't sbow it to her because of what I did in the past.

[monalisa]

I would tell her it feels good to you and makes you calm and happy. You are not hurting anyone and do not feel the need to dress and go out. You have a life and deserve a chance to do something that makes you happy too.

[PaulaQ]

A fetish dressers ties their dressing to sex.

It's complicated because frequently our sexuality and our gender identity are intertwined, and trying to tease apart just what is motivating you to want to slip your feet into some pumps is not always possible. It is extremely confusing, and a person has to ask themselves a LOT of questions, and really examine their motives and drives and desires. Separating the fantasy from the reality is hard, too. (I'll get right back to you when I've done all that myself...)



Yes there are deeper issues with my wife and I. My dressing started as a fetish. She didn't like anything tied to a fetish and I kept pushing it on her. Over time I realized it wasn't the fetish I was seeking but the desire to dress. Dressing today for me is not a fetish. . I feel comfortable wearing heels and skirts. So the main issues that pop up is what I did in the past to get to where I'm at today.

Which of the following two statements do you think freak her out the most:
1. I like to dress up because it is deeply erotic for me, and a very powerful fantasy.
2. I like to dress up because part of me feels "normal" when dressed as a woman.

I'm guessing #2 is much scarier for a lot of women, because it opens the door to you BECOMING a woman, at least in their minds, if not yours. It potentially changes the relationship. I'm going to be honest here - statement #2 scared *me* when I admitted it to myself. It still scares me.


The reason I went behind her back was to find answers for why I like the things I like and why she doesn't.

It's hard to tell someone the truth if you don't know what it is yourself. It can be hard for some people to understand something like that - but I think many of us have lied to ourselves for so long that it is hard to know what the truth is anymore. Takes a while to sort that out anyway, least for me.

[Wildaboutheels]

Big Os are "fun".

Os are addictive. Clearly. MEN'S Os ARE what keep Humans on the planet. Having Os with as many women as possible IS a man's most basic programming. Unfortunately, females are not always willing/wanting or handy even IF we have a SO.

Os for men are usually extremely easy to come by ...BUT something MUST happen before the O which is where men's vision comes into play. A man's VISION is what allows him to "get ready" at a moment's notice, literally. Possibly 10 or 12 seconds... Women's vision does not work this way for their own protection.

Porn IS a multi billion dollar business."MEN's" magazines? Wouldn't even hazard a guess as to revenue produced. Both are convenient "avenues" for MEN'S Os... based on men's VISION.

CDing is simply one more avenue for most men to the "promised land". Few here will deny that they have never had "one" while dressed. Not hard to imagine that the O while dressed is where most of the guilt and shame come from, NOT the clothes themselves. The O itself might only last 7 seconds or so but the dressing up/being dressed/staying dressed is a nice way of "dragging it out" or at least being associated with the O. Many of the older members here will attest to this.

All of this ^^^ is easily backed up by merely observing which threads get the most responses. The most popular pics and subject matter are also a dead giveaway. Certainly you have looked at or contributed to the leg pic thread? I have not done any digging but I'll bet there are few if any pic threads on "granny dresses" [at this Forum or any other] or flats?

Polls here would/could simply and easily get to the heart of this "great CDing mystery" The FACT that so few here desire them should tell you something.

[Stephanie47]

Why go fishing if you are allergic to fish? Why do fishing if your wife will not clean it or cook or have anything to do with it? Why fish if it costs a bundle of money? Why sit at the end of the dock with a pole in your hands and watch the sun sink into the lake? Maybe you enjoy it even if there is nobody to share it with.

[Stevie]

[QUOTE=Jenny Gurl;3124450]


Which of the following two statements do you think freak her out the most:
1. I like to dress up because it is deeply erotic for me, and a very powerful fantasy.
2. I like to dress up because part of me feels "normal" when dressed as a woman.

I'm guessing #2 is much scarier for a lot of women, because it opens the door to you BECOMING a woman, at least in their minds, if not yours. It potentially changes the relationship. I'm going to be honest here - statement #2 scared *me* when I admitted it to myself.

I wanted to say both but I told her two and now reading that statement I see what you mean. I did tell her though that I am not gay or have any desire of becoming a woman, but I see where that statement suggests otherwise. That is interesting . What if deep down that is true and I'm in denial. Maybe I'm changing and don't realize it.

[ReineD]

I tried to justified it.the problem was I went to the wrong sites looking for answers. Now I found this place to go to I can't sbow it to her because of what I did in the past.

The quickest way out of your dilemma is to brace yourself and show her this site, specifically this thread. You are laying everything out on the line here. You are not being cagey about anything and it shows. If she reads this, she will feel it too. And if she takes the time to read many of the posts in this forum, she will see it is filled with people who are trying to get a handle on the CDing, trying to figure out how to live with it, trying to determine what is the best way to deal with it in their marriages, trying to find a middle ground ... it is not a forum where people (for the most part) come for sexual kicks.

Your wife could talk to me and the other GGs if she wants to. We will not try to convince her of anything, we won't try to "make" her try to enjoy the CDing. It doesn't work that way. But, we (all the GGs who are members here) have a vast combined experience with all of this and there are questions from a GG's point of view that we can answer. We can share our own experiences. Your wife will not feel so alone.

As much as every crossdresser in this forum is his (or her) own individual with his (or her) own reasons for dressing, there are certain patterns that most all of you go through and so none of you suffers from terminal uniqueness. (... sorry :p)

The members who have been here for a while and who navigate the crossdressing successfully in their relationships (there are quite a few of us ... CDs and GGs) will be more than happy to provide an objective, middle of the road view as to how to handle this. And really, you and your wife can only benefit.

[Stevie]

Thanks Reine. I have thought about it but I'm not prepared for the worst case. Deep down I would love to her her see this but from her reactions to all the other things I've done over the years I don't think she will take it well. I wasted my chances and feel this time will push it over the edge. I wish I can take back all my mistakes but know thats not going to happen. Yours and everyone on this forum has help and guided me though this. I read everything good and bad. Lot of what you said I have used and got positive results but this is one I'm afraid to tackle.
My wife recently reminded me that a woman forgives but never forgets.

[Ellanore G.G.]

I used to do this to my H.
It was the fear, the fear he needed to do this more,
The fear that he would go out, and be seen.
I would ask him why he needed to do this, If he was ashamed to go out.
But really I wanted him to tell me he didnt " need" this, he could take it or leave it.
That was years ago, when I had no clue.
And one day he sat me down and said,
I have no clue, about the whys and ifs,
I just know its something I love to do.
So these days I dont wonder, or ask why ?
But fear is a terrible thing, And I was driven by all the bad things that could happen for a lot of years.
And If my H wanted one extra min, I would freak out, and think it was taking over our lives.
Now the kids are older, there are no boundries...just understanding..

[Lovepython]

The confusion is on both sides of the relationship too. On the CDer side we don't understand it either. Where does it come from? Why do I do it? How often? To what depth? How do I relate to my SO? How do I relate to the rest of the world? Do I underdress or do I go out? Wigs and makeup? Then there are the guilt feelings. Feelings of not quite being normal. Feelings of forcing this on your SO.

If you are in a relationship it's important to come from a position of love, trust, and acceptance. There needs to be lots of communication and flexibility. Boundaries are hard to deal with. It's like walking on egg shells and having to make commitments about something we don't totally understand. It could change a little. If it does then I'm breaking the boundary rules and there needs to be negotiations where the next question will be "what's next?"

Even if we aren't in a relationship, many of these issue are still on the table. It isn't until we accept this as a part of us that we can start to get a sense of what it really means to us. We seem to fluctuate between pink fog and guilt with periods of "normal" (sounds like a weather forecast).

Acceptance, flexibility, communication, understanding, love. Also if we approach it like a learning environment it will help too. Avoid things like making assumptions and having rigid rules whenever possible. This can be an OK thing. I know I love my feminine side and wouldn't want it to go away. It's something I have to share with my SO. There is a level of intimacy that I'm not sure exists elsewhere. I could be wrong.

[Stevie]

But fear is a terrible thing, And I was driven by all the bad things that could happen for a lot of years.
And If my H wanted one extra min, I would freak out, and thinktItalia was taking over our lives.
Now the kids are older, there are no boundries...just understanding..
Yes that was what started this last issue. Wife was away with son and I wanted to dress. Instead of sneaking behind her back I called and asked one thing led to another and to make a long story short I felt she took it as I was going back on our agreement and wasn't happy. Asking for that extra minute was what she feared and now she has to worry everytime I'm home alone. I guess I didn't fully understand our arrangement. Now that I do I have to find the right time to sit down and have the talk again.

[Lacyfem]

The answers here are all wonderful and well thought out, yet apply mostly to the one who has written them. My experience is though we may have started young we usually don't come out till later on in life and by then we are married, have kids and like this discussion it gets a lot more complicated as most of us who are married didn't think this far ahead. Though there are many understanding wives out there, there are more divorces caused by coming out to the wife as well as couples that stay together but she just doesn't want to know about it so dress when she's not around. She'll know you're dressing and you will have some guilt. I'm in my second marriage and in thinking back on it, though I love my wife dearly, I might not have married again and would have given myself a true chance to be gurl I find in side of me. I think only you know how to save your marriage as in your given situation she hasn't come out and said she wants a divorce so perhaps she will live with it. It's take time I'm sure but as much as I like to dress and feel like a woman I don't think I'd feel that way dressed around my wife.

[Ellanore G.G.]

Stevie, my Husband was very fetish at the start.
This was made worse, by the fact that he would "zone out" when aroused and dressed
Years of him doing things behind my back, and torn between his need to do this, caused wasted years of tears, tempers, and discussions of divorce.
My H used to sneak out of the house, drunk, while dressed, and not realise that all actions have consequences. My nerves were shattered, for a lot of reasons.
Lately the porn, and fetish have nearly gone.
So the new fear is, omg does he want to be a woman ?
Is he going to go online and meet up with someone.
A lot of things go through my mind.
because he lied so much, but I can see that he didnt really know himself.
When im away , I panic, not because hes c/ding
but in case he goes into fetish mode, then he does some seriously dangerous things.
I know he wont do this now, but I still feel that panic.
So when i bring up stuff now, he takes time to reassure me
:battingeyelashes: sometimes he has to do this Alot, DEPENDING ON MY HORMONES :sad:....

[NicoleScott]

i hear this word bambied around every once in a while--and i wonder what in the world a fetish crossdresser is--since it sounds dirty or something,

Anyway, i looked fetish up in several places, and i have decided a fetish crossdresser is a crossdresser ...period. Or, crossdressing is a fetish...period:doh:
take yr pick. To me its all the same.


Yes, a lot of folks here and elsewhere distance themselves from anything fetish because it's dirty to them.

And yes, a fetish crossdresser is a crossdresser, because, by definition, he crossdresses. The difference is what drives the dressing. Many crossdress because they have a strong internal feminine identity and want to express their femininity by dressing in clothing appropriate to that identity. Others dress because the clothes and related items cause sexual arousal. Others claim comfort, certain fabrics, styles and colors unavailable in male clothing, etc. etc. Many here said that their dressing started out as sexual but has, over time, subsided in favor of "being natural" to them. The drives to dress are not mutually exclusive: you can have a drive to dress to feel feminine while also having a fetish for a certain item.
Like most other things, it's better to control it instead of it controlling you, no matter what "it" is.

[docrobbysherry]

Stevie, I've been married and divorced. So, I can't give u any helpful suggestions RE dressing and your SO. Whatever workable compromise u 2 can work out is up to u! However, it's plain to see your "arrangement" is not working. And, neither of u have a compatible solution in mind.

U mentioned u don't wish to see a therapist because u don't want it to get out that u dress? That makes no sense to me! A good, experienced counselor will tell no one about your discussions. And, if u need to tell others why u r seeing a counselor, tell them the truth! U r working out some marital issues. A neutral 3rd party mite be the best way to come to a compromise between u 2 that can work!

As far as why u don't want to go out dressed? That's an easy one for me. Altho, I can't answer for u.
Dressing at home in private for me is; a turn on, exciting, stimulating, fun, relaxing, and the complete, uninhibited freedom to dress how ever I like!

Dressing and going out for me is; a turn off, boring(dressing to blend), embarrassing, stressful, nervous, uncomfortable, and I feel like a fake!

Going out in vanilla land dressed? It's not something I'm interested in doing!

[Stevie]

Thank you his wife. My issues were communicating online with a dominatrix and setting up a false Facebook account. Because of them I was in her eyes cheating. At the time I didn't see it that way but later found out there are different ways to cheat other than sex. Amazing she is still with me today if that says anything. Now that I understand is see that I made some major mistakes I don't want to make another.

[CassandraSmith]

Keep in mind that group norming will likely change your values and you may desire to go out in public at least once just to experience the next level of it. However, I'm all for taking your time and whatever level of involvement you enjoy.

[Stevie]

U mentioned u don't wish to see a therapist because u don't want it to get out that u dress? That makes no sense to me! A good, experienced counselor will tell no one about your discussions. And, if u need to tell others why u r seeing a counselor, tell them the truth! U r working out some marital issues. A neutral 3rd party mite be the best way to come to a compromise between u 2 that can work![/QUOTE]
No my wife and I do not wish to see a therapist. They are not going to tell anything that we don't already know. If society wasn't two faced about cross dressing then this wouldn't be an issue.

[Emeraude]

Stevie,

I have been dealing with the issue of crossdressing and the issues it has caused in my marriage for almost a decade. I have spent a great deal of that time reading books, participating in forums, hearing other crossdressers' stories and giving a lot of thought to why I feel the need to dress. I've come to these conclusions:

1. Nobody really understands any of this! That's what all the theories and books and opinions really boil down to, so you would be much better off realizing that and stop trying to figure it out.

2. Despite that, I can't stop trying to figure it out, and I suspect you won't either. But maybe you can stop agonizing over the mystery and try to see it as a mystery.

3. As confusing and difficult as this is for you--it's even more so for your wife. To make it worse, there's no upside for her. You at least get the satisfaction of being able to express your feminine side. There's nothing like that for her (despite what Peggy Rudd may say about the benefits of having a CD husband, I doubt most wives feel that way!)

Here's my suggestion: I don't think your wife really wants you to justify crossdressing. I think she is lost and hurt and confused. What has helped in my marriage is the fact that I finally started seeing things from my wife's point of view, and then I told her I was sorry.

I told her that I was beginning to understand how much pain I had caused her, and that, even though I never intended to hurt her, I knew I had, and I was sincerely sorry for that. I told her I loved her, and always would, and that I was sorry. I told her that this was a part of me that would never go away, but that I was sorry it caused her pain.

You know what she said? She thanked me and told me she would always love me, no matter what.

She also started asking some questions, and I answered them, then I left things alone. I'm waiting for her to bring up the subject again.

Waiting is the hardest part.

[PaulaQ]

Let's say that in the news today, when they linked a particular set of genes to five apparently unrelated mental illnesses (autism, schizophrenia, major depression, bipolar disorder, and attention deficit disorder), that they had instead discovered a genetic cause for crossdressing. So you'd have your "why" - you were born that way, or were at least born with a predisposition, and something in your environment triggered it.

Would that change one thing in your relationship? It might stop your wife from asking you to "change this", but it might not. It likely wouldn't change how she felt about it.

So I ask again - would knowing "why" help your situation in any real way?

[hindy]

I have felt so much like this! Competing with my SO (the other woman). I love my SO! After living with this for many years I don’t really try to be feminine anymore around him. I found the best way was to find the attention I crave from another man, on occasion. It keeps Me feeling like I’m attractive and feeds my feminine side. This way it is easier for me to give my SO what he needs.

[ReineD]

I found the best way was to find the attention I crave from another man, on occasion. It keeps Me feeling like I’m attractive and feeds my feminine side.

There are sometimes consequences in some of the relationships when CDers forget they are married to women who need as much attention as they are bestowing on their feminine selves. And it's sad, really, for everyone concerned unless they have open marriages and both agree that it's OK to have relationships with others.

[Diversity]

Hi Stevie,
I believe that the reason you feel torn about this is that you are caught between societal acceptance pressures and (like a good husband and father) protecting your family from being ridiculed and/or tormented by being associated as a CD'r by a non-accepting society. It does not mean that you (or anyone of us) are wrong, by the way. It just means that we are at the forefront of another change which is yet to occur in society, and that is the acceptance of CD'rs.
My personal belief is that we are people who are 'advanced' as we are seeking a balance within ourselves between our male and female characteristics. At least we recognize the balance needs to be achieved, while others are so lopsided, that they don't have a clue. Our souls are all we take with us when we leave this current life, so it is a much better position for us to have achieved a balanced soul before we go to the next plane of our lives.
Again, I am writing with a belief I have. Many may not agree with this line of thinking, and that's okay. I could be totally wrong, but in my way of thinking, I believe in another life after this one, and by discovering and achieving a balance between our male and female traits before passing on, only sets us up for a better life to come.
Di

[Lovepython]

My heart goes out to you girls. It really does. It can be difficult being in a relationship with us CDers. You deserve a big virtual hug:daydreaming:

I know this has been one of my faults over the years and I learned over time to make sure my attention was focused on my SO and that she felt loved and appreciated. There really is an evolution that takes place with CDing. Almost a maturing. During our early stages we are like teenage girls. We don't quite know what to wear. We are very self conscious. Any little indication from an SO that we interpret as negative sends us into a tailspin. We tend to be inward focused and feel like the whole world doesn't understand us.

With time and acceptance (both from ourselves and our SOs) our feminine sides mature a little. We learn how to relate with our SOs appropriately. This is great cause once this happens we can start to truly share our feminine side. Our feminine sides really aren't much different than you GGs have. When the male ego melts similar thoughts and feelings start to bubble through. We start to look for a prettier version of ourselves (very difficult with a typical male frame). We watch TV and look at what the girls are wearing, not to oggle the girls but to appreciate the outfit. We start looking at nail polish and make up and wondering???

[linda allen]

............... And what I'm having a hard time with is I don't want my son to see me dressed so how can I say it is ok. Part of me feels that this is wrong. ...........

As adults we keep a lot of things from our children. Do you tell your son about having sex with his mother? Do you let him see it? Of course not, but you don't feel guilty about it. You probably keep job and personal problems from your son. He doesn't need to know and wouldn't understand anyway.

Personally, I keep my dressing from everyone except my wife. Family, friends, neighbors, and the general public don't need to know. It's none of their business. And I don't feel guilty about it.

It's going to be very difficult to crossdress with a child living in the home. I'm sure your wife is trying to protect him. Assuming you love your wife and child, you don't want your marriage to end over dressing so it's up to you to work this out. Best of luck.

[hindy]

I think many CD want to be treated more feminine than they treat the women in there lives. Think what you can do for someone else and how they feel. It isn't all about you.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Stevie, It's just who I am and it's what I do.

[sometimes_miss]

Stevie, first you have to realize that women define their lives differently than we do. They see their lives as a series of interpersonal relationships, and they often share very intimate details of not only their own lives, but of everyone else's in routine discussion. She sees this as normal. Except, of course, stuff SHE doesn't want anyone else to know about herself. That's 'different'. Women especially feel they deserve the right to know everything about everyone else, but retaining the right to keep secrets for themselves. They expect complete and open honesty from the rest of the world. But won't give it themselves.

We don't have to share everything with everybody. Your wife is simply grasping at any straw possible to support her belief that what you are doing is unacceptable.

My answer is simply I do it to feel normal, whether anyone else thinks it is or not. I don't care what other people do in the privacy of their own homes, and I don't think anyone should care what I do. I understand that there are uneducated folks who are uncomfortable with people like me, who don't fit strict definitions of what is 'normal' to them, but I don't feel it's my responsibility to educate the whole world on why they should be tolerant of others, but that it's simply the correct way to behave. After all, pretty much everyone is odd in some way, so we should learn to accept others 'oddities' in the same way we have accepted our own.

How's that?

[Stephanie Scott]

Stevie,

This is an interesting question because I have struggled with answering it as well. My wife has said, "If YOU don't believe it's wrong, then why not march into church and talk to the pastor about it?" Or, "so if it's not wrong, why would you be ashamed to admit it to _____?" There is a certain logic to it, and as a Christian, there is an extra component in it for me as well. I argued to her that I don't believe it was sinful per se, and I have solid "evidence" and logic to back my position, but I'm sure most of our Christian "kindred spirits" WOULD also disagree with me and find it to be sinful (due to ignorance and misunderstanding -- not hate or bigotry). The weight of opinion in our circles, therefore, would be that it is sinful and that my defense of it is simply a biased justification for my own sin.

Nevertheless, I sincerely do not believe it is morally wrong, but I know that society does not accept this behavior as normal, and in fact looks down on those who engage in this behavior (funny how it doesn't work the other way around for women doing masculine things). That is why I never did broadcast it to the world and why I didn't want to raise the issue in church or anything -- I already knew how others would feel. But I'm not ashamed of the fact that I like crossdressing and that I used to do it (even though I've now abstained for the last 4 years out of respect for my wife and her views). I love being dual-natured (although not dressing is frustrating beyind belief).

I will say this -- if you are engaging with a dominatrix and keeping a secret facebook page, I agree with your wife about being unfaithful. Heck; I just once told a good female friend (by accident -- I didn't plan to but when in the course of a conversation she made many references to being totally accepting of such things, I blurted it out). My wife has since then treated this as a betrayal of our marriage and as evidence of an emotional "affair." Frankly, I don't blame her -- I shouldn't have done that.

[ReineD]

If you ladies don't mind, I'd like to dispel a few myths about us GGs. Please consider hearing this from the horse's mouth:


Our feminine sides really aren't much different than you GGs have. When the male ego melts similar thoughts and feelings start to bubble through. We start to look for a prettier version of ourselves (very difficult with a typical male frame). We watch TV and look at what the girls are wearing, not to oggle the girls but to appreciate the outfit. We start looking at nail polish and make up and wondering???

In terms of emotions, both your feminine AND your masculine sides are aren't much different than us GGs. Human emotion is not gender exclusive and every individual male or female experiences the full spectrum. Among modern males, I think it is only the macho-est, oaf-like, stereotypical male who needs a lesson in ego melting. The majority of the men that I know who are not CDers are regular people just like us GGs. :)

The only difference between the two sexes apart from the physical differences and biological functions, is sexual preference (speaking here of the 95%-97% hetero population). So if you are coming closer to how GGs feel, then does this mean that you are making yourself sexually appealing to men when you choose to dress in an attractive fashion just like GGs? Fundamentally, why do you think there is a women's fashion and makeup industry?


Women especially feel they deserve the right to know everything about everyone else, but retaining the right to keep secrets for themselves. They expect complete and open honesty from the rest of the world. But won't give it themselves.

This is a harsh pronouncement and rather biased. Both women AND men run the full spectrum in terms of personal honesty levels. And both men AND women run the full spectrum of emotional maturity.

Also, in bad relationships, usually each side has difficulty seeing the other person's point of view and tends to attribute stronger negative motives and characteristics to the other person, than are there.

I'm sorry that you had such a bad time with the GGs in your life. :sad:

[Marie_Antoinette]

people would be more understanding if you were just gay or bi.

People put a label on you. If you behave different from THEIR label, THEY get confused.

[ossian]

Stevie, I hope things are well with you and your wife. My wife and I are, it seems like traveling a similar journey. I wish the best for both of you.

[Nyla F]

If it was ok then why don't I share it with everyone. If I can't share it then why do I think this is fine to do. I can't answer this ...

You can't answer this because it is a false choice. It implies your choices are to be completely out, or to not crossdress. The choices presented to you are designed to limit your thinking, or a result of narrow minded thinking.

You can challenge the premise that we only do things that we share with everyone. Does your wife tell her friends every detail of your sex life? Is there nothing private? Do people who like going to renaissance fairs, comic con, or other special interest events have to share this I formation with coworkers who don't share their interests and might ridicule them? What about being selective about who you disclose your political affiliation to when it isn't one of the mainstream choices?

[EmilyPith]

As far as the question why, there are no two brains that are exactly alike, and so there is no one-size-fits all answer. But there has to be answer for you, just like there has to be answer for me.

I am still searching and will not stop until I figure it out. New data is surfacing every day, new studies in brain science, behavior, new insights in learning and lifespan development, and even genetics.

Each of us is a unique blend of environmental factors, upbringing, chemical and hormone balances in the brain, and even the possibility of food allergies that change and alter our behavior.

I stand defiantly in the eye of the storm, teeth bared, demanding an answer.

This hobby, obsession, psychosis, joy-ride, guilt trip, fetish, true self manifestation, call it whatever makes you feel comfortable calling it – thing-- seems to have plenty of similarities between those who are effected by it, but the differences in each case study make it almost impossible to pin down and say to everyone in a blanked diagnosis “you have this and here is why.”

In fact, this would probably cause more anger and resentment than anything. I totally respect everyone who accepts who they are. I need to know why.

I feel unusual in this whole thing in that my wife is totally cool with it. She claims she knew before I did and was surprised that I was so freaked by it. And continue to be.

I don't think there are two of us that fit the exact same criteria. That shouldn't stop anyone from trying to figure out why they personally want to do this. Until I find an answer that makes sense, I will never be truly content with it.

[Stevie]

Stevie, I hope things are well with you and your wife. My wife and I are, it seems like traveling a similar journey. I wish the best for both of you.

Things are as good as expected. I still want to dress and she still doesn't want anything to do with it. Really hope that no one goes though what I'm going through. If you are my heart goes out to you. Besides that I like to wear woman's clothes. They are far more creative than men's. as for the reason why I doubt if I will ever figure it out.