"Coming out": Better to show or tell?

[ThisIsBob]

So I'm interviewing for a new job that should (in theory) make my career less in danger should my dressing become general public knowledge. I'm counting chickens before they hatch, but should I get this job, I'll likely talk to my wife about the possibility of occasionally going out en femme during daylight hours. Long story short, my close friend of the past 24 years (or his wife) is fairly likely to eventually run in to me if I do this, as I live in a relatively small town. I'm looking for advice on how to reveal Jamie to him.

I tend to think it's less of a shock to verbally tell someone about cross dressing before getting "in their face" by presenting them with your alter ego. However, I also know that telling someone does not fully make it sink in nearly as much as the first time they actually see your feminine side. Do y'all generally think it's a good idea to "soften the blow" verbally first, or just "rip off the bandaid" by introducing your alter ego and saying "this is what I sometimes do (or who I am in the case of TS folks)"?

[Karen_K]

I would think tell first, then show if asked to, assuming he needs to know in the first place. If you live in a small town, it sounds likely that more than just your friend Jamie and his wife might run into you, doesn't it?

[NicoleScott]

Tell before you show. Based on their reactions, you may decide not to show.

[xdressed]

I've not had any bad reactions from the show before you tell method, although both those times were unplanned. Telling them is always the best method I think, then if things go well organize a time when you will show them

[ThisIsBob]

Jamie is my femme name, not his name. :) And yeah, I'm sure the 3 degrees of separation here (6 aren't necessary in a town this size ;)) dictate that word will probably get back to him eventually. Honestly, he's the only one in this town that doesn't know Jamie yet whose opinion I give a fig about.

Yeah, I tend to think that as far as intentional outing is concerned that it's probably more considerate to verbalize first to give them time to at least begin the mental adjustments, but it sure is simpler to demonstrate than try to find the right time/words to do verbally. :straightface:

[linda allen]

I would tell first, not show. As someone poste above, depending on the ractio to being told, I might decide not to "show".

[Beverley Sims]

Definitely tell before you show.
Test the water first, so to speak.

[ArleneRaquel]

Tell before showing. Showing first may be too much of a shock.

[Chickhe]

I think the best way is to 'show' at a party or something when its a positive thing. Don't explain anyhing, just do it. First impressions count for a lot.

I think of it this way... suppose I wrote a letter telling everyone that from now on I will be wearing only dark green T-shirts. People will object, react to the news. They will think you are different and I guarantee your boss will find some way to make you wear a blue shirt or a tie. But, if you just start wearing the shirt every second day until its full time, there will be little reaction. However, suddenly wearing a blue shirt in a crowd of yellow shirts will get you noticed, so would have to do it in a way that comes off as positive...so I say, jump in when its expected (at a party) and then later on your blue shirts will be old news.

[mikiSJ]

I think the first question to answer is do you trust your friend and his wife not to gossip even if they accept, or don't accept, your disclosure of crossdressing.

If you feel comfortable in them knowing, then I might want to get the two of them together and tell them.

[DonnaT]

If your wife gives you approval to go out dressed, ask her how it would be best to let your friends know, before they just happen to catch you.

She may even want to talk about with your friend's wife, who then may be the one to tell her husband?

Or y'all could invite them over for dinner, then afterwards, while sitting around talking and having a drink, you could bring it up. And possibly have a photo album handy, if they are curious.

Hopefully they will remain friends, no matter what method your choose.

[Rogina B]

Dress your best,go knock on their door and surprise them! In a small town everyone will know soon enough. Seriously,what has your wife said about all of this? That is what matters most for you.

[Kate Simmons]

This has to be a personal decision. Just be prepared to deal with whatever happens as a result of your decision.:)

[Cheryl T]

If you don't want them to find out then go out only in other towns where you won't be recognized.

If you are going to come out to them then I think Tell first and see the reaction before you Show

[Ezekiel]

Tell first if you have to. I've got caught by parents and didn't come out very good. Its shocking for most people.

[Tabitha Storm]

Tell. They may be willing to accept you when you tell but even then they may not want to see. If you show then you can never un-show.

Tab

[Jenniferathome]

...I tend to think it's less of a shock to verbally tell someone about cross dressing before getting "in their face" by presenting them with your alter ego. However, I also know that telling someone does not fully make it sink in nearly as much as the first time they actually see ...

Think of it like this: telling someone is a shock, by your own estimation. Can you imagine it being LESS of a shock to see you dressed? People will understand your words. They will not understand the feeling but showing them will not make it any more comprehensible. Showing is NEVER a good idea for breaking the news.

[Jenniferathome]

... suppose I wrote a letter telling everyone that from now on I will be wearing only dark green T-shirts. People will object, react to the news. They will think you are different and I guarantee your boss will find some way to make you wear a blue shirt or a tie.

Huh? This is your analogy? Really? You are consistent in your horrible advice, I'll give you that. I can't imagine why anyone who shares this aspect of humanity would advise doing the worst thing possible and call it "helping another." You mystify me.

[Stephanie47]

If your wife does not want you to appear en femme during daylight hours or around town, all the advice becomes mute. Whatever you decide to do will potentially have consequences for your wife. I'd check with her before I check with the members of this forum.

[ThisIsBob]

Stephanie: very good point. As a matter of fact though, it's all academic if I don't get the new job anyway, as my current job has me in frequent (if incidental) contact with elementary-age children. That makes it a really bad idea to come out as any form of "glbt" in a conservative community. So yeah, there are a couple of big "ifs" before this really even becomes a concern, but I like to try to reason these things out ahead of time :)

[Jenni Yumiko]

Follow the advice of the wife before us. You mention working with kids, if that is the case and you really want a career around them I would say no. Anything but the norm will send parents over the edge en masse especially something as misunderstood by the masses as crossdressing.

[ThisIsBob]

Jennialy: the wife absolutely has final say in anything involving the public. Basically, I'm currently a computer tech for our local school district (assigned to half of our elementary schools), and the position I'm applying for would make me more of a server admin type that would stay primarily around our office and have little to no contact with kids. Hence why I'd be (somewhat) less worried if I get the new position.

[nhlighthouse]

I most strongly agree with your post Stephanie47!

[Nikki50/50]

Tell. ALWAYS tell. If a "Show me/us" follows, or otherwise comes of it later on, so be it...but it would behoove you offer first right of refusal out of respect.

[Chickhe]

My bad advice worked for me! ... its one of the best things I ever did! Forget all the crap about telling...nobody understands it anyway. I'm trying to say, no matter what you do, its mostly 'how' you do it...not what you do. People remember feelings, not facts...you want them to remember that it was enjoyable for them when you told them. Unless you want to be constantly fighting the uphill battle of acceptance then start at the top where acceptance if a given and take the easy way down where you explain what they accepted in the first place.