"He may never be happy with it."

[Kimberly]

Some, or most, reading this post will know of my revelations these past couple of months; revelations for my parents, anyway. Having told them about this part of me, and letting them know what I am and who I really am, I have to live with the consequences.

I've been dressing quite a lot now, since I can safely dress inside my room, door shut, without being found out or stumbled across... I can just say, "I'm dressed up, what do you want?" And the response is what gets me. It's what you'd expect, (this won't be one of those sickening fantasy threads..."They joined me inside my room, and dressed me up!! Full makeup and everyfink!") The response is usually, "Oh...erm..." Very abrupt and confused, to say the least. Mainly on my Dad's part, to say the least. He's not taken it well.

He won't talk to me about it - which helps alot, thanks Dad. :mad: But I shouldn't really be angry, and I'm not. My heart is breaking over this actually, and to think what he must be going through.

My mum has spoken of him being tearful from their discussions of me, (none of them shared with me!! Again, ironic thanks is extended!) And it was one night, of those through-door conversations that really struck me. I could here my Dad holding back something - not tears; possibly anger, when he replied to my "I'm dressed up," remark. (God, I hate that phrase... but it seems to be understood.)

His reply was more the same to what had gone before, but the tone was much different. And it just made me think: He's never going to be accepting. He'll never accept my feminine side expressed in my clothing. I pity him... but without the kind of "higer level" that comes with the connotation. I pity him from the route of my being, and it tears me up, as it must him.

I don't know what to do. Just to leave it, or maybe expose what he is afraid of: show him what I am. My Mum seems unaffected, but doesn't take any active role in the way I live - she hasn't seen me. This is drastic, and probably not worth it, but I don't know what to do.

This isn't a "what do i do?" because I need to find out for myself. I need to talk to him, or my mother, about what he wants to do... I just needed to tell this to someone.

A mild warning to those thinking of coming out to loved ones: you already know how they'll react, if you know them well enough, so go with your instincts. If you long for acceptance, tell those you know and believe will accept you. If you're love is great enough to last, then tell them for the simple reason of the ability to tell the truth for once. Our lives are full of avoided confrontations and half-truths or blatent lies. But think, and more importantly, feel before telling someone. There is no right or wrong way - there is only your way. Especially family: you can't excuse who you are, but you have to live with the opinions about who and what you are, when it comes to family.

Ultimatly, I regret telling them. No, I don't... Oh. Well. There are consequences, is all I'm saying. Live with them, or weigh them up before coming out with your deepest, darkest secret, that society doesn't appreciate: messing with the ideas of gender.

But don't loose hope. These rules and ideas about gender need to be broken and blurred.

I wish you all happy times, make of this post what you will xxx

[Marla GG]

Kimberly,

My heart goes out to you....and yes, to your dad too. From all you've said about him I can guess that his sadness and anger is born of fear that your future will not be the happy one he always imagined for you. In short he is worried about you, and when parents worry they are miserable. :( It is such a shame that he won't talk to you, because if he can't express his fears to you, you can't do anything to reassure him. At least he is talking to your mum about it; maybe she will be able to ease his mind a little and help him reach a point where he feels able to have a conversation with you about his feelings.

Really, it hasn't been all that long since you told your parents. It's only natural that they are still a bit lost and struggling to understand. I mean, you have known for most of your life that you are "different," but for them it is a new concept and it is going to take time for them to get their heads round it.

Thank you for another honest and very useful post. I hope others will keep what you've said in mind and consider the possible consequences, as well as the benefits, of coming out to their loved ones.

[sherri]

Kimberly, would you permit an old-timer a well-intentioned question or two? How is the rest of your life going? How are you doing in school? How's your social life and personal interests?

[Emma Chase]

Kimberly

Here's my 2 pence worth...

You have taken a major step by expressing your feelings and dressing desires to your parents. We all run the risk on how people will react. Even the one who you think could be cool over the situation just freak out and look at you from that point on like you have 2 heads.

From your posts I am to beleive you have had the 'chat' with both your Mum and Dad, although your Mum was accepting your Dad is still in shock.

It might be worth grabbing your Dad and doing a one on one with him, you know he is not coping well only as your Mum has told you that. May be if you sit down with him .. maybe go for a walk or a beer or somewhere out of the house - somewhere quiet so you can talk without being overheard and tell him that your still you, you just wish to express a side of you. Ask him questions on how he feels, what his concerns are, how can you help him to understand and reralise that people that CD are not freaks, harmful to others or dangerous in anyway.

Maybe some one on one time with him - where you communicate directly to each other, will help both of you understand where they other is coming from. Some times its best to look people in the eye and tell them that you still love them and that has not changed regardless of what the current feeling may be towards you.

I wish you and your dad all the best with the current situation and hope you can both find some comon ground to acceptance.

Emma

[Julie York]

You have told your parents. They have not told you that you are sick or kicked you out of the house so they are decent people who are trying to work this out.

I think now is the time to stop being so selfish.

You shook them to their foundations when you told them you are Ts and now you want to rub their faces in it!

If you want to dress up then do it when they are out of the house. That will at least show a little sensitivity on YOUR part to balance their amazing efforts. Stop being so self obsessed and show a little compassion for your parents eh?

[_Janelle_]

Hmm - difficult situation. Too bad there are no "do overs" in life! Since you are living with your parents, I do think that you do owe them some degree of respect in honoring what they would wish you to do in their home. Once you are out and paying the rent yourself, then you can do what you want and to hell with everyone else. In this case since you are still under their roof, I would agree with Julie - no dressing at home when they are home. Would they approve of you having sex in your bedroom and you saying "we're having sex, what do you want?" - this after you confided in them that you're having sex with your partner or whatever.
I know that you only had good intentions when you told them, but you can chalk this one up to experience, and maybe think things all they way through next time.

Good luck

Janelle.

[Adele 2005]

Ouch!

Julie, don't you remember being a teenager? Maybe you should show a bit of compassion and cut Kimberly some slack!

You can't expect a worldly-wise attitude from someone still so young. In such a short span of time you're expected to go from being a carefree kid to a conformist adult, plus deal with adolesent changes, cope with exams, map out your academic and working life, not to mention the intense peer pressure to look and act the way all the other teenagers do. Life changing events and decisions come at you in a rush over those few years. Little wonder teenagers get a bit self-absorbed. Plus add on top all the stress Kimberly's obviously been through lately, dealing with cd'ing and revealing this to her parents. She must be feeling pretty sensitive and bruised right now, and your comments will be quite hurtful.

I've read Kimberly's posts and I think she's intelligent and sensitive, and acutely aware of how her parents and friends feel. If that's not compassion what is? I don't see that Kimberly is being inconsiderate in her behaviour described here, but just having a tough time trying to get to grips with life, and showing a lot of concern, guilt and pain over how her parents are adjusting to what she's told them. Reassurance is what she needs, not a kick in the teeth.

[Dragster]

Kimberley, You've had advice to get your dad into a one-to-one, and I'd agree with that. Pick something you both enjoy doing, a walk, fishing, time in the garden, or if you're really hard up, NFC! A pint isn't a good idea, it's not private enough in a pub. Then when it's quiet, tell him you know he's not happy with some of the things you do, and ask him to tell you what it is that makes him unhappy with it. You know him best, and whether this approach will result in a tirade of "It isn't natural" etc. in which case you haven't got much of a chance. You can only put your side of the arguament, and ask him if he'll read about the subject and have a discussion with you before he really makes his mind up (have some material ready). But tell him that if he still rejects that part of you, he is rejecting all of you, because you are you, and CDing is an integral part of you, for better or worse. Tell him there may be some things he does, and stands for, that you disagree with (think of some first!), but that doesn't stop you loving him as your father. What's the difference? You may have to leave home (you'll have to sometime) to avoid the confrontation, on the basis of "out of sight, out of mind", but that is not really solving the problem.
Unfortunately, I don't speak from experience, and it's taken me a long long time to get my wife to the point where she says she'll read about it and have a discussion with me, but progress is progress. You may also be in for a long haul. Good luck with whatever you do, but give him loads of time. He deserves it if he's been a good father to you so far. Try to see it from his point of view, and act accordingly.

Tony

[Julie York]

Ouch!

Julie, don't you remember being a teenager? Maybe you should show a bit of compassion and cut Kimberly some slack!

She must be feeling pretty sensitive and bruised right now, and your comments will be quite hurtful.

Reassurance is what she needs, not a kick in the teeth.

It was never intended as a kick in the teeth. It was intended as a good smack round the back of the head.

Everyone else on this forum is very good at the 'poor dear' thing, and so there will be no end of reasurance. What is often lacking however, is someone willing to stand back and go...."Just look at this from over here will you?"

It is like Janelle said....It is making the parents feel as uncomfortable and as embarrassed as if Kimblerly could hear her parents having loud sex and thinking that's no problem because they TOLD someone they were going to.

If you are offended Kimberly then I apologise.


If you are not then...come over here.....(SMACK!)



:D

[VeronicaMoonlit]

I've been dressing quite a lot now, since I can safely dress inside my room, door shut,

Don't shut the door unless you normally do. It makes it seem like you're ashamed. And you don't want your parents to have the feeling that you're ashamed of yourself, that's too much negative connotation.



when he replied to my "I'm dressed up," remark. (God, I hate that phrase... but it seems to be understood.)

Try, "I'm en femme" (explain what that means if necessary) or "I'm wearing my pretty clothes" and then say, "come on in if you want" If they would normally come in to talk. You want "it" to seem ordinary.

As for coming out of your room dressed, that's slightly different, I think you "need" to, but whether you "should".....I'm unsure. Maybe, if one says, "Kimberly I need your help putting away groceries", then you can say, "I'm wearing my femme clothes, I'll come help if that's okay with you."

And you'll probably need to have a continuing dialog over time, communication is important. (And it's something I need to do more too)

Take Care.

Veronica

[Christa]

Kimberly,

You're clearly a kind, senstive and thoughtful person. You've given a lot of thought to the relationship you have with your parents. And it's my guess that you've been more honest with them than most of us here have been with our own parents. For all those reasons you should feel good about yourself and take whatever is posted by others with a grain of salt. You're the best judge of what's right for YOU.

In the end, your dressing might be something about which you and your parents can't find common ground. Or, who knows? Maybe it will work itself out.

You've got a great head start on knowing who you are. Rest assured that someday you'll find a person (or a bunch of them!) with whom you CAN share this part of yourself.

:thumbup:

[Julie]

Kimberly, for someone your age you're wise beyond your years. You'll do very well in life.

As someone on the other side of the fence, a TG father with unaccepting children, I can't completely relate but I know my dad would have had a very tough time accepting my TG personality. I never told him because, like you said, we already know how others will react and I knew he wouldn't be able to deal with it. He's passed now but my mom is still here and all she can say is, "I don't understand your lifestyle." To me it's not a lifestyle, it's my life.

Since you've already come out to them and you're still living at home maybe printing out excerpts from things you can find on the Internet and letting them read them when they're ready. Most of the intolerance comes from ignorance. The mainstream public has such a skewed and totally incorrect image of us thanks to a media that is more interested in the bottom line than the truth. A good place to go is Rainbow Trail (http://www.rainbowtrail.info/directory.html). There's a lot of good articles there. I'm sure if you did a search you'd find articles that could fit exactly your situation. If there's ever going to be acceptance it has to begin with correcting any misconceptions. You might also consider putting your own personal feelings down in writing too. This would give them the opportunity to deal with it when they're ready and hopefully they'll understand you better.

I had a long talk with my daughter last night. We hadn't talked in several months. That's never happened before so I knew something was bothering her. She said she couldn't talk about it. Last night she finally told me that she's been trying to accept this part of me but just doesn't want to. She wants the dad she grew up knowing. She doesn't want to know anything about my 'other life'. She's done a lot of research into this. She's talked this over with understanding friends. Her school has a week every year where they celebrate the GLBT communities and preach tolerance, acceptance and love. But she has decided she can't pretend any longer she is okay with this in her dad. I never saw this in her. I even have a picture of us together when I was dressed and I can't see any sign of her being uncomfortable. Maybe it's just a time in her life but maybe it's for good. Whatever it is, I have to respect her wishes and put Julie away when I'm talking to her or with her. That saddens me but sometimes life doesn't go the way we want.

Only time will tell if your dad will ever come around. Maybe you will have to put Kimberly away until your out on your own. But I think giving them the opportunity to learn more about this and how it effects you is the next step. Their reaction will tell you if it's going to go any further. Good luck.

[celeste26]

At this stage in my dressing there wasn't an Internet for chats like this and I wasn't even as open as you are Kimberly so dont get too depressed about it all. I had to drive nearly 100 miles to find some shop that would work with someone like myself.
Now there is a growing literature, and films and such, the whole issue is open for discussion in society (if not your family) so it is not impossible to find a friend who accepts this in you.

We're here for you whenever you need us. With or without the advise.

[Kimberly]

If you are not then...come over here.....(SMACK!)
Julie, I fully felt the smack, but it was entirely appropriate! Thank you for bringing fresh perspective to me. Thank you ALL, really.


Now there is a growing literature, and films and such, the whole issue is open for discussion in society (if not your family) so it is not impossible to find a friend who accepts this in you.
I have plenty of friends who do accept this - and that's great. :) Some who have taken an active role in helping me develop my female expression, and some who have just enquired about it, and never really spoken of it again (I don't think they're that bothered!)

Times are changing drastically... My parents are around a couple of generations older than I, so I completely understand why my father is like this: he was brought up in a family which was very 'closed' and what you did in life was, as a man, get a job, have a family and then grow old and annoy your children until your death - expecting grandkiddies on the way. ... Well, all of that really ain't me. I may say differently in a number of years, but now I don't see kids, or even a lifelong partner with me. It hasn't worked out before, and it probably won't work out in the future.

I digress: ... times have changed; I learnt a few days ago, of a guy who is very open about his TVism in the college that I attend... so he's out - and has told people about going out with his GG friends to gay clubs and the like. This astounds me, but it appears to have worked; I believe the guy to be in good favour with his peers... But I don't believe I could do this, (his year are wacky-er than ours... wish I'd been born a year earlier ;)) This is great... After the Christmas break I may seek out this guy, and see if he wants to get together and go out - possibly en femme, maybe to just talk about CDing. Whatever.

Strange that it should happen so close to home! But then again, there are probably a huge number of CDs in my area, most of them, like me, in the closet.


? How is the rest of your life going? How are you doing in school? How's your social life and personal interests?
Thanks for the personal interest, Sherri. :) The rest of my life is going fine, and the career in Directing theatre seems to be very much establishing itself ;) ... I got a job, (voluntry,) working as an Assistant Director at a local theatre. School/College really does suck - but it's just the whole ethos of the place I hate... no more to say about that really! Keeping busy is gooooood!! And I am. Probably too busy, in fact. But you have to make the most of it.

Thanks for all the sobering words, girls. Much appreciated xx

[DonnaT]

I've been dressing quite a lot now, since I can safely dress inside my room, door shut, without being found out or stumbled across... I can just say, "I'm dressed up, what do you want?" And the response is what gets me. It's what you'd expect, (this won't be one of those sickening fantasy threads..."They joined me inside my room, and dressed me up!! Full makeup and everyfink!") The response is usually, "Oh...erm..." Very abrupt and confused, to say the least. Mainly on my Dad's part, to say the least. He's not taken it well.

Here's what I don't understand. They know you go to your room to dress. Yes? So why do they come knocking on the door?

If not, then let them know you are going to your room to be alone for a while, and then ask them if they need you for anything before you go.

This will show you are considering their feelings, and hopefully they will respect your need to be alone to do what you need to do.

Once you've asked them if they need you for anything before you go, and they have nothing for you or you've completed what task they may have, stop, look them directly in the eye and say. Thanks, I love you both.

[Kimberly]

I think the problem is, Donna, that a lot of stuff is not being said in our household. I do need to talk to my parents more, individaully and I thank you all for your opinions on this topic: a lot to think about. :)

[Darlena]

Dear Kimberly, I truely empathize with your situation. However, don't expect that degree of freedom until you are under the roof of your own making. As for your dad's acceptance.., be patient with him as he is like most fathers. Raised to be a "real" man. One that never cries. He who feels no pain. But oh so afraid of his own innermost feelings and tendencies. You see, Kimberly, when we were forming within our mother's womb our physical characteristic were for the most part ambiguous. The sex organs are there alright, but male & female at the same time. By time you are born they have taken on their lifelong form due to that one more or one less chromosome.(you have no choice over this) Who knows when it starts but when we are very young we identify with one sex or the other not really knowing that it can and does steer us toward our orientation. That is why fathers have difficulties because they can't under stand why their sons would rather be like Mom instead of Dad.(we have no real choice over this either) Your father needs to understand that humans are a very diverse lot. And sexuality is a many faceted jewel of yours & my being. Thank God! We can't all be the same. I feel blessed to have had the mind to open myself up to sexual experimentation so I could find out who I really am. And now I know. I lead a more fullfilling life because of it. Could you imagine a world populated with Hitler clones? Isn't meant to be that way. As we weren't meant to be daddy's little clone either.Let him read this if you wish. Print a copy and leave it where he'll find it. It would behove him to log on to this forum where he could gain insight and better understand his beautiful son whom I'm sure he loves very much. Love & kisses, Darlena:thumbsup:

[closet joanne]

"Strange that it should happen so close to home! But then again, there are probably a huge number of CDs in my area, most of them, like me, in the closet."

Indeed Kimberly!

(And I know what you mean about the 'year above' too!)

[Emma_Forbes]

Hi Kimberly,

I don't want this to be misunderstood and for you to take any action based on it - besides which I may be completely off my rocker anyway - but it may be that your dad has had similar tg tendencies in the past and, being of the older generation, has ignored/suppressed them. The resulting resentfulness could manifest itself in all sorts of ways.

I'm not sure whether there is a genetic predisposition to transgenderism but there were rumours that my father had expressed interest in crossdressing and I am not the only person in my family who has faced this issue. Maybe it's closer to home than anyone suspects. If so, how you deal with that is anyone's guess. Just don't make assumptions.

Emma

[TGMarla]

A situation is always easier to see when you're not smack in the middle of it. I have to agree with some of the posts here, though. Julie York is correct in that you can use a little discretion in dressing more when they are out of the house. It would ease things on them a bit. And I also think taking Dad out for a beer is also a good idea. He probably wants desperately to bond in some way with you, and the dressing thing probably makes him think that that will not ever happen now. Whether he shows it or not, and he may not be able to, you are extrememly important to him, and a little display on your part, some attempt at making the two of you closer may go a long way. That's the way it was with me and my father, and I did not make any such attempt. He is gone now, and I greatly regret our unfinished business. After all, if you make no attempt to get closer to him, what chance does he have to ever understand you? He may never get there, but it should not be for a lack of trying. And you don't need to explain yourself to him. You only need to show him that he is important to you. You'd be surprised at just how far parents will go to accept their kids if their kids reciprocate some of their feelings. Try it, but don't push it.

I had another thought here...you know your parents lots better than we do. But I'm guessing that you have more in common with your dad that you may be willing to admit. That makes thing harder, ironically. You're right in that he may never accept you as a femme persona. But it's more likely that he will accept it eventually without ever being real comfortable with it. Eventually he will grudgingly accept it without recognizing it. Perhaps you should not be trying for his acceptance, rather, his tolerance. First get to the point where you allow for each other, then try for more.